3 - Without You (Zayn)
It had been a while since I had pretended everything was okay, I must confess. I had been quite gloomy these past months, after I had found out that Perrie cheated on me. It hit me hard. I am not going to lie about that. I know I am a man, and that men do not cry and all of that shit, but…I loved her so much, I still do. The fact that she thought it was necessary to go to someone else for comfort, for company, it hurts me. And not only my ego, but it stung pretty badly in my heart as well.
I know I may not be the best boyfriend out there. I am barely around and I am quite quiet, I am not up for a couple of things and it is difficult for me to say what I feel. Perrie and I, though, we have always had this chemistry about us. We always found a way to work it out, to keep it running. Maybe it was because she knew what I was going through. Who cares now? It is all ruined, destroyed, and to put it simple unfixable. At least that is what I think.
The past couple of months have been pretty rough. Things have gone downhill deep enough for me not to even visit our pets and take them out for walks or just hang around them. It hurts every day, to be away from her. I thought I would get over it after a few drunken nights and through some graffiti to express my emotions. But none of that worked. So, instead, I started blocking her out completely, at the lack of a better ‘getting over her’ plan.
I had only sucked it up because Kaylie had come, but it killed me inside. I knew how long she had been planning this and after the, to put it simple, scam with Niall, well, she needed me there for her. I honestly had no idea Niall was seeing anyone. Of course, if I had known I would have told Kaylie. It had been a while since I had seen Niall, because of my problems and because he had his own to deal with.
Besides, when we are in breaks, we take a break from everything, including each other. There is only so much time you can spend with people.
So, with Kaylie breaking down over her failed love affair, I had to push aside my conflicts with Perrie. I missed her so much, though. I think that is the worst part. I still love her with all of my heart. All this time, she was the only thing occupying my mind. And I felt guilty over it, because Kaylie constantly came to me for support, and I was not there a hundred percent for her.
Luckily, things seemed to go pretty well for her at the moment. I had my doubts about whether she was truly happy with Tom, but I figured out it was time to step aside and let her make her own decisions. When she said she was coming to London, though, I got really happy. What she and Niall had back then was definitely something, even after we came back home Niall would not stop talking about her. So, I supposed he still fancied her. Going to his place and finding that blonde girl, though, it was a shocker.
I sigh deeply as I sit on the edge of my bed, lost in thought of everything we have to go through when we only want to have a good time while waiting for Kaylie to come and pick me up. I have no idea why, but Kaylie takes more time getting ready than she did two years ago. Apparently, her appearance is more important to her now. Well, at least that is what she told me before commanding me to go to my room to wait for her and literally slamming the door of her room on my face. Damn puberty. I know all about it for living with so many girls. They become unbearable to deal with. And you better not even mention a thing about it, unless you want that to be the last thing you say.
I tap my feet against the floor impatiently, while listening to some music to calm myself down –even if I know it will not work. We are going to Perrie’s place today –talk about awkwardness and nervousness. It is going to be a huge mess, I can just sense it.
Leaving that negative thought aside, Kaylie finally intervened, seeing things were not right between us two, and we are going to Perrie’s so I can talk with her. Well, Prada is dead, so I want to know more about that, obviously. It has been a while since I have not even went over to see our pets. It was just quite difficult for me to see her without wanting to kiss her. I will miss that kitty, though. She was so sweet and cute, always wanting to be petted. I can still remember how much fun we had together with her. We were so happy together. Together.
I laugh bitterly at the memories of two summers ago, when we went to New Jersey to record for our album. I remember how Perrie and I had got into a huge fight before I left and how I was taking out all of my frustration due to that problem and all the others I had on Kaylie. If only things were still as simple as they were back then, when my drama revolved around a fifteen year old…
Perrie and I’s relationship has truly been a rollercoaster, as ironic as that is. We literally fight and make up all the time. The thing is we are both quite different. There are only a few things that bring us together, like music and certain iconic movies. But that is what I love about her, about us. We always find a way to be together, despite all of the differences. Well, at least we did.
“Are you okay?” Kaylie inquired as she popped her head into my room. She had an easygoing smile plastered on her face, but I could see in her eyes that she was nervous for me. It was sweet, how she always worried about me. I liked it; it made me feel like I mattered. And the gods above knew how much I needed that kind of support right now.
“Yes. Just like I was the last time you asked,” I notified with a tired smile. She had been asking the same question since we had decided to go to Perrie’s place. It was the incessant question, and, honestly, I was growing tired of it. I knew Kaylie was doing it because she cared, but it only made me more nervous.
She nodded in understanding and puckered her lips while in thought. “Ready to go?” she asked after a few seconds of just gazing at me in which I limited to gaze back.
“Sure,” I squeaked. I frowned and cleared my throat. “Sure,” I said, manlier this time.
“Come on, Zayn, you can do this,” I mumbled under my breath as I walked after her. She was already down the hallway, as I dragged my feet through my room, trying to delay this as much as possible. There was no use, though. Perrie already knew I was going. She was already expecting me.
Kaylie eyed me suspiciously for a few seconds, as I appeared down the hall. “Don’t worry, everything we’ll be alright,” she assured, her voice echoing throughout the house since I was taking so much time to get to where she was, right by the door.
Laura was out today, again, hanging out with Johnny. Those two seemed happy together, but I could not help but wonder what would happen once Kaylie and Laura had to go back to New Jersey. Long distance relationships were difficult and required a lot of trust and of confidence on the said relationship, and those two were barely starting to date. How would they manage? Well, maybe they would be of the lucky ones who can make it through.
“I know,” I conceded with a tired voice as I finally got by her side.
“Hey, don’t use that tone with me, mister,” she deadpanned. “I’m only trying to help,” she countered next as she got her hands to her hips. She furrowed her eyebrows at me and I crooked a smile, quite glad that it was her I got to share this experience with. I have no idea what I would do without her. Well, first of all, I probably would not even have had the courage to answer the phone when Perrie called –I ignored the calls and messages for almost a month- or arrange a meeting with Perrie without Kay.
“Sorry,” I acquiesced lightly and embraced her in a bear hug. “Thanks for doing this for me,” I commented into her ear as I hugged her tightly, trying to make her understand without words just how important what she was doing for me was, how much it mattered to me.
“You have done the same for me. I am only returning a favor,” she appeased as she disengaged herself from me only far enough to look into my eyes. “You’ll do just fine,” she affirmed with a confident nod of her head and an easygoing smile.
“Promise?” I queried, wanting to hear the so called confirmation I had been denying before. Actually, hearing her saying it brought me peace of mind.
“Promise,” she confirmed, giving me her pinky finger which I eagerly intertwined with mine.
I laughed out loud and followed her out of the house, not even bothering on looking at my reflection in the mirror. I would probably cringe at how crappy I looked, anyway. We walked along, towards my car, when out of nowhere she abruptly stopped walking.
“What?” I questioned, completely taken aback, but already alarmed. Had we forgot something? Did she think this was a bad idea? Did I look that bad?
“I just quoted something…I know it, I just can’t remember what it was!” she shrieked excitedly, actually tearing up and making me frown in confusion at her.
“Kay…just walk along,” I barked as I shook my head in disbelief and shoved her towards the car, since some paparazzi were already making their way towards us.
“Damn it, why can’t I remember where that comes from?!” she groaned annoyed as she crossed her arms over her chest, moving uncomfortably in her seat. The whole drive to Perrie’s place was used to think where that phrase came from, and I was glad it was that way, for I probably would have turned the car around if it had happened otherwise.
Unluckily, at some time or another, we had to arrive. When the time came, I was already shaking my legs from side to side, almost like a dog does to its tail when nervous or excited, just that I was plain nervous. “I-I can’t do this,” I wailed, a wave of panic striking me as I looked at the house down the street from where we were parking.
“Of course you can, stop being a whining baby and come on,” Kaylie commanded as she exited the car. She waited outside for a few seconds, and when I refused to go out, she came to my side and opened the door. “Out, Zayn,” she ordered. Her voice was sweet though, since she knew how hard this was for me.
“Alright,” I sighed as I got out and closed the door behind me. I took a deep breath and got my hands into the front pockets of my dark, baggy pants.
“Are you okay?” she questioned once again and I gave her a pointed look.
I retracted it right away, suddenly feeling like I needed a hug. I opened my arms and she did not need further explanation. She quickly wiggled her way into my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist, bringing me right away a feeling of peace and of serenity.
“Come on, you can do this.”
“Yes, I can.” We walked along the street, until we were face to face with her house. I felt my guts twisting and I started to fidget with the hem of my sweater. It was until I looked down to my fidgeting hands that I noticed my hands were shaking. Get a grip, mate. Alright, maybe I really could not do this.
I let out a shaky sigh and walked past Kaylie towards the door. I lifted my fist to pound on the door. Just that it stayed mid air, frozen. I could hear my heart pounding heavily in my chest and I was sure Kaylie could hear it as well. I just hoped she could not see my trembling legs.
“Are you okay?” Kaylie asked for what felt like the twentieth time today as she grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. I gulped, trying to clear my throat so I could respond to her, but it was as if I had become numb, there was nothing I could do to move.
I knew she was just apprehensive of me, hoping I would not flip out at any moment, because it was clear and beyond obvious the person I would flip out would be the one that was next to me at the moment, and that was her.
I let another shaky breath escape my lips as I just nodded slightly, not even bothering on turning around to see her. It was not that I did not want to; it was that I simply could not. I was sure if I turned around, I would just toss Kaylie the car keys –even if she cannot drive- and run away and never look back. But I could not do that, I had to get a grip of my wrecked self and talk to this girl.
Kaylie said nothing else. She knew this was difficult for me. I was hurt, Perrie had broken my heart and I had still not recovered from it -obviously. But there was not much left my best friend could do for me, I had to accept and give her that. What was ahead, I had to figure out and face on my own.
“I’ll be just fine,” I whispered after a while and it did not require a scientist to know she knew I was telling it to myself, not to her.
“Yes, you will,” she reiterated anyway, making me feel safe.
I sighed and knocked on the big and currently scary white door in front of us. A few seconds went by, incredibly slow and awkward for I was literally shitting my pants in anxiousness. I actually thought the door would never open, that Perrie had stood us up, or just played a joke on us. But just as I thought of that, the door creaked and a fragile, and I must confess, gorgeous as always blonde appeared from behind it.
Her eyes flickered from me to linger on Kaylie for a couple of seconds, and then back to me and ended looking to the floor. “Hi,” she squeaked.
“Hey…” I muttered, scratching the back of his neck.
I was tempted to introduce Kaylie but decided it was best not to, I did not really feel like talking at all anymore. Time went by and nothing else was said for a while, with Kaylie and I outside and Perrie shielding herself with the door. “Please come in,” she finally croaked.
I nodded briefly and walked inside after glancing back at Kaylie to make sure she walked in with me. I could not deal with this on my own. Just being outside of her house had me already feeling claustrophobic and trembling like a leaf in autumn, and that was with Kay by my side. I did not even want to think of how I would feel if I went inside on my own.
Luckily for me, she did not counter; she said nothing and followed my lead, smiling courtly at Perrie as the latter one stared at her for a few seconds before shutting the door close behind her.
“You must be Kaylie,” she murmured. I tried to understand what her voice suggested, but my mind was so slow that it could not even do that. I was using all of my energy on not stumbling or any of that sort, anyway.
“Yep, nice to meet you,” Kaylie said, obviously feeling awkward as well. She crooked a smile to Perrie, which my ex returned with an unsure one of her own.
“Perrie,” she finally introduced herself after a few seconds of tension and extended her hand for Kaylie to grab, which my best friend happily did and even squeezed a bit reassuringly, to calm Perrie, I suppose.
Perrie smiled back, weakly, and then cleared her throat as she looked back at me. “Do you lads want some tea?” she questioned in a strangled voice and I felt a new wave of nervousness hit me as I got lost in her beautiful eyes. Wow, I had forgot how breathtaking they were, how breathtakingly gorgeous she was.
But fighting against my instincts and how my body and mind reacted towards her, I only shrugged carelessly and Kaylie nodded. “I’ll help you,” Kaylie told her and I saw Perrie gaping at the bubbly brunette for half a second before accepting her offer.
“Follow me,” the beautiful blonde whispered, stealing one last glance of me before dragging herself to the kitchen, with Kaylie following close behind after giving me a reassuring nod of her head.
I let out of the breath I did not even know I was holding onto as I looked around, not much had changed in her place, it still looked cozy and pretty much like her. She had always had a strong mind and a defined taste, definite turn ons. Just that I was busy trying not to pass out.