warning : hey, guess what? it's shit again!
"what is it?" phil mutters, gathering all his energy-or lack there of-and focusing on his tongue, trying to make himself sound disinterested. his gaze is trained on his socks so dan can't see the panic in his eyes, his shaking hands are pushed in his pockets so dan can't see the saturated nervousness dripping from his fingertips, and his tongue is clamped between his teeth gently so dan can't hear how broken he sounds.
dan doesn't reply, softly shutting the door and leaning against it, fingers pulling at tangled hair. being with phil alone makes the bedroom seem smaller than ever before, the walls closing in mercilessly and the floor crumbling apart at the edges leaving no room to escape. he can't hide behind katherine's positive attitude or adrian's laughter, he can't mute phil's voice with the loud television, he can't block out the sight of phil when he is standing in front of him and expecting answers.
"well?" phil pushes. he is no hurry to know what dan wants to say, but postponing the storm won't make it any less harsh. it will still strike, violent, aggressive and unabashed, leaving nothing but staggered breaths and choked sobs in its wake.
"i'm sorry," dan blurts, licking over his dry lips so saying what he feels becomes a bit easier.
"dan we've been over this-"
"no, no, please just hear me out for once," dan closes his eyes, pulling his sleeves over his fists and letting the explanation flow out of his mouth. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry for what i did and i know you can't forgive me but i am not accepting a divorce, i can't live without you, i can't be without you and you know that,"
"dan-"
"i'm not saying that means you can't take a break from me, i understand," dan gulps, pushing the lump in his throat down so he can speak. "i understand you can't look at me or be around me and having me in the house is hurting you. you can take a break for as long as you want, i will not stop you, i will not even try to contact you or try to apologise again, you don't even have to see my face unless you're ready but please don't take away the chance for us to make things better. please don't take a divorce from me, i can't do it, it's-" it's no use, the lump arises again, stronger and it pushes past his lips in a heartbreaking sob, his tears falling rapidly down his cheeks as he tries to catch a breath.
"you are my everything phil, being without you is not something i'll be able to handle, please," dan wipes his eyes harshly with the back of his sleeve. "i'll leave, i'll leave right now but you have to promise me that you will try forgiving me, you have to try moving on from this because we can't end like this,"
"what are you-"
"no, i get it, i know you don't want me here and i'm not forcing you to let me stay, i don't even want you to consider it as of now because we need time away from each other no matter how much we deny it. please don't think this is me saying i don't love you, or i don't want to stay with you because that's not true, i love you so much, you know i do but my mistakes shouldn't be something that ruins this, ruins us forever," and every word that leaves dan's lips adds another layer of figurative cement overtop of phil's feet, chaining him in place and not allowing him to move because this wasn't what he was expecting. he was just hoping for a heartfelt apology, words full of denial and dan forcing him to consider forgiving him almost immediately like this wasn't a big deal, like his betrayal wasn't something that needed time to heal from.
and the worst part is that phil would have believed him, the lies about them working this out in the span of a week, the lies of unconditional love being restored in a blink, the lies of healing hearts and dried cheeks and laughter and kisses. what he can't believe, or rather, accept, is the raw truth of their inadequate relationship, the truth of their dysfunctional marriage, the truth of broken hearts and tears and bitter words and cold distances.
"phil? please say something," dan pleads, he is out of words, out of sentences, out of anything that could possibly make this situation a little less dense. he has said everything he could, he has laid out what he thinks is best for them, he has caged his tongue into place as to not beg phil to forgive him because he has finally accepted how hard it is for phil. he knows getting over this is not easy, and he is constantly making it harder by breathing in the same air as phil. he knows he needs to leave for the better.
phil lets himself sit down on the edge of the bed, pushing his head into his hands and blocking out the sudden reality he wasn't ready to face. what the hell was he supposed to say? everything dan has said is true, yes they need time to recover from this, yes he needs to leave, yes he is hurting phil by staying in the same house but them separating is not what phil wants. he has already established that he would gladly take the heartbreak over and over again if it means for dan to stay right here, to stay with him, and he will completely ruin his sanity with denial if it means for them to pretend like nothing is wrong, if it means that he can hold and kiss and be with dan just like he always has.
"are you okay?" dan mumbles, watching as phil sits completely motionless, watching as his pale fingers disappear in his disheveled dark hair and his breathing slows and picks up all at once.
and then the tears arrive again, making the closure of the two lovers a lot more grim as phil covers his face in order to stop them from falling. they weave their way into his palms, soaking the surface, the choked sobs that leave his lips are muffled but break through the uncomfortable silence all the same and dan fails to comprehend his reaction. he was hoping for phil to be at least a bit more accepting if not happy about the revelation that he is finally listening to phil and deciding to leave. he doesn't know what to make of phil's shaking figure, of his lack of words, of his sudden emotional outburst.
"phil?" but he still makes his way over to the older man, hurriedly sinking on the bed next to him and hesitantly placing his hand on phil's shoulder, letting out a small gasp of surprise when phil pushes his body onto his, phil's arms wrapping tightly around his neck causing dan to stumble from the weight, both of them falling back on the bed.
the surprise of the situation is overpowered by the sadness, the sadness of the fact that phil needs to find comfort in none other than dan's arms even after all that's happened between them. dan puts his thoughts on mute for a while longer as he pulls phil closer to him, phil's body almost on top of him as he shakes with sobs, marking dan's skin damp with tears that fall in accordance with the thought of his departure.
"you can't do this, this should be my decision, i should-i should be the one deciding whether you leave or not," phil raises his voice pathetically, his fingers curling tighter around the collar of dan's shirt and dan buries his nose in phil's hair before breathing out loud.
"i know, but we need this, you know we do," it takes everything dan to believe that phil is only saying this because he's vulnerable. neither of them have ever loved anyone more than they love each other so this sudden distance, this sudden departure has to be torturous in more ways than one.
"what about adrian? what about our family?" phil attempts to pull away but dan holds him in place, wanting this to last as long as possible because he doesn't know when he will be able to feel the warmth of phil's body against his and let phil's scent-cinnamon and mint-comfort him when he doesn't deserve it.
"i'll be in touch with adrian, of course i will, and i'm sure he'll understand, he's a mature kid,"
and the silence falls somewhere along controlled breathing and dan's hand rubbing along phil's spine, somewhere between unsaid words and bitten tongues. neither of them know how to put what they feel in words; dan just hopes that things finally fall into place, that distance and time enriches their relationship and him torturing himself by leaving phil contributes something positive to their downfall. and phil just hopes that this is all a lie, that tomorrow morning when he wakes up dan will be there in the kitchen making breakfast with his mum, that he can wake up just one more day to find brown eyes and darker hair, bitten lips and a dimpled smile right here where they have always been.
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this was supposed to be a lot more heartbreaking but i know you all wanted updates and----well let's just blame the crap writing on exams
happy 2018 to y'all !!
tell me your new years resolutions in the comments and maybe i could take some inspiration from them and be a better person this year !!
also character ask will be out soon ( soon meaning like in atleast a week but stfu )