Sometimes, no matter how convinced you are, how determined you are to live your life a certain way, something happens that changes the course of your existence, leading you to places and people you never imagined it would. It could be something small, one of hundreds of everyday decisions you make that cause that ripple effect. You ride the tide without knowing what kind of impact you'll eventually make on others and they on you. Or it could be something big and unexpected, a crazy random twist of fate that one day grabs on and sweeps you in a new and completely different direction. On the way, you crash into other people riding the consequences of their own conscious and subconscious choices.
I think about serendipity a lot. I also think about coincidence, if such a thing even exists. I think about the set of circumstances that put people in certain places at certain times and not some other ones. And I think that oftentimes there's something at work in our subconscious, leading us to make choices that ultimately impact not only the rest of our lives, but others' lives as well.
Living in nature as much as I have, I'm aware of the rhythm of life around me and how all things serve some purpose. Nothing is wasted—not food, not energy, not time. In the wild, everything is inherently linked to everything else. Maybe that's why Jared and I found each other here after that chance encounter fourteen years ago, and this time it was he that needed to be rescued in my environment just like he'd once rescued me in his. Everything always comes full circle. Always.
Jared's calm out here. He's working toward a place of peace inside himself and with me. Just this morning I found him sitting up on a rocky outcropping as the sun rose over the canyon. He sat in a pensive but relaxed pose, serenity almost visibly radiating from him. I watched him from a distance, not advertising my presence. I can see the weight of everything lifting from him and it's a beautiful thing to see. I only wish I could find a way to keep that burden from returning to his shoulders.
I know how much he misses climbing. I can see it in the look of longing he's given the cliff walls around us. I only hope one day he can return to that passion of his. The hike yesterday was taxing enough, and it's a wonder he can manage that much so soon. But he was in a fair amount of pain last night, and once we crawled into our shelter I did my best to soothe away as much of it as I could. Then we made love, slowly and gently, before falling into an exhausted sleep in each other's arms.
This morning, we're going back to the hut further down the canyon. Shelby and I built it solid enough that it should have weathered just about anything. Since we're not going to camp there, we're leaving our packs behind. I sheathe my knife and, after double-checking the safety, Jared tucks my Max in his pocket.
It's a gorgeous and cloudless morning, the temperature in the sixties and climbing. A steady breeze lifts my ponytail and tendrils break free to blow around my face. Just behind me, Jared makes his way on the old trail, his gait slightly stiff, slightly limping, enough to concern me. We've only gone a couple of miles at the most, with a good two or three more to go.
"You doing okay?" I ask.
He throws me his brilliant smile but I can see the discomfort he's trying his best to conceal. "Doing great."
I keep looking over my at shoulder him even though I continue walking. "You're limping."
He shrugs. "I always limp."
I don't let it go. "Is it your back or your leg? Do you need to stop and adjust your brace?"
"My leg's fine. Aches a little, but it's fine. It's my back that's giving me some hell. Probably slept wrong. Walking should help loosen it up, don't you think?"
"Why didn't you say something?" I ask, slowing down. "We didn't have to do this hike today."
Jared scowls. "Don't baby me, Lanie. I won't get better if you baby me."
"You won't get better if you overdo it, either. Before we left, Dr. Lange said—"
His scowl deepens. "Dr. Lange can go fuck himself. I'm doing fine."
"Oh, that's nice. That's real nice." So much for the serene Jared. I know the pain makes him irritable and I try to be understanding of that but for Christ's sake, why must he be so goddamn stubborn? Angrily I speed up, but my whole attention is still on Jared ten yards back, gamely limping his way behind me with a look of determination on his face, and that's probably why what happens next takes me so completely by surprise.
One minute I'm walking, unmindful that I'm descending downhill a little bit, and the next minute my right toe strikes something hard—a rock or an exposed root, maybe—and I'm sprawled face first on the rough ground, gravity and my momentum propelling me forward in a downward slide a few feet before I come to a stop. The palms of my hands sting from a dozen abrasions. I bet my jeans are torn, and I've probably lost a fair bit of skin from my right knee.
"Oh, shit!" Jared exclaims behind me, and I hear his quickened footsteps as he hurries toward me. "Lanie, are you okay? Are you—" the footsteps halt, and he gives a sudden intake a breath. "Oh, my God—Lanie—don't move."
I don't move. I know what Jared's seen because I've seen it, too. I'm frozen in place.
The diamondback rattler is just a few feet away, its ancient, bottomless black eyes looking directly into mine. The snake is coiled tightly, its head upright and drawn back slightly—its striking pose. It's impossible to tell how large it is, but judging by the size of its tail, also stiffly upright and vibrating so fast it's a blur, this snake is a large one. Five feet, maybe more. Not that it matters. Rattlesnakes are lethal whatever their size.
My right hand is nowhere near my belt to get my knife. If I move, the snake will strike before I can get close to it, and laying face down on the ground, I doubt I'd be able to throw my knife with enough power or in the right trajectory to kill it, anyway.
Because snakes strike their prey using their senses to detect motion and scent, if I lay still, if Jared makes no sudden moves, the rattler may lose interest and move on. But this one seems aware of that tactic. It's locked onto my presence, giving no indication that it's going anywhere. We continue to stare one another down in a kind of woman vs. wild standoff. The harsh rattle of its tail fills my hearing, obscuring everything else.
I barely dare to breathe. Every movement of my body causes the snake to tense up further, to draw its head back even more.
Where will it strike me? My right hand and my face are its closest targets. A bite to my face or neck would probably kill me before I can instruct Jared how to administer the antidote, which I don't even have in my possession. It's back at camp in my medical kit. Why the hell didn't I bring my medical kit on this hike? How could I have been so stupid? That kit should never leave my side. Did a couple of months of living in luxurious Hollywood comfort make me forget even the most basic lessons about wilderness survival?
All of these thoughts race through my brain one after the other as I continue to stare into the eyes of almost certain death.
"Lanie....I've got the gun in my hand and I'm going to shoot it. Please, please don't move." Jared's voice is trembling, and I understand why. Because of his own experience, he's terrified of the snake. He's also terrified of the snake biting and killing me, but he's even more terrified that he'll fire my gun, miss and end up shooting me. I close my eyes and remember his vantage point. If he's positioned where I think he is, there's about a foot of clearance over my head. I mentally calculate the angle he'd fire from. Yes, if he's a decent shot, he can hit the snake.
I swallow hard. I have no idea how good Jared is with a gun or if he's even fired one before. The subject has never come up between us, another lapse in judgment on my part. Why the hell have I let him carry my gun without at least having some kind of conversation about its handling? And pistols especially are tricky. The Max is no exception. To hit a target from where I think Jared's positioned, he has to aim the Max's sight slightly down and to the left. I murmur those instructions, my eyes never leaving the snake's.
"Lanie, that's too close to you. I can't!" Jared cries in a whisper.
"You have to," I reply, my voice steady even as terror oozes from every pore. "I'm going to roll to the side to give you some clearance, but when I move, the snake's gonna strike. Whether you hit me or the snake hits me, I'm dead either way. So do it." The snake, detecting my voice, tenses further as I speak and the rattling speeds up. With blinding speed it's going to hurl itself at me any second. I have to time this exactly right. I take a deep breath, brace my right hand on the ground to push myself over, and cry, "Now!"
The instant I give the command, I move, and it all happens in slow-motion. From the corner of my eye I see the snake's head shoot forward, mouth open, venomous fangs sprung into place and exposed. Almost at the same time, a deafening explosion fills my ears.
I lay on my back, staring at the solidly blue, cloudless sky, gasping for air. The sound of the gunshot echoes in my head and reverberates from the canyon wall. Jared rushes to me, kneeling down and gathering me in his arms, crying my name, asking me if I'm okay, his panic-filled eyes looking me over even as he holds me. His words tumble over themselves as he gasps out, "I didn't hit you? I didn't hit you? Oh, God, Lanie—"
"I'm okay." But I cling to him, trembling uncontrollably. Jared's heart is hammering frantically against my cheek, his arms around me like bands of warm steel—so strong, and so comforting. I lean into him, close my eyes and allow the residual terror to drain away before I turn my head and look at the rattlesnake laying in two still-twitching pieces just a couple of feet away.
"Great—great shot," I manage.
"Let's—let's go back to camp," Jared whispers into my hair, and I nod my agreement.
***
Once more, Jared has saved my life. Back at camp that evening, I putter around with making us something to eat while Jared first starts the fire, and then sits in the shade by the shelter, doing something with a bunch of wildflowers he picked at his side, and fiddling with something else that requires his close attention. Every now and then he looks up and over at me, an odd expression on his face that I can't quite figure out. It's a thoughtful one, like he's trying to decide something, but I have no idea what it could be.
The incident with the snake has shaken us both to the core, I know that. It's about as close to death as I've ever come in the wild, and I continually berate myself for being so distracted and ill-prepared for such an encounter. I know better, especially in a place like Oak Creek Canyon.
Jared's fond of saying every fuck-up teaches a person something. Well, that may be true, but fatal fuck-ups don't teach a person a thing except how to foolishly cut one's life short. As the one who's supposed to be the leader out here in the brush, I have to do better than this. My dad would be mortified if he were still around. I taught you better than that, Lanie Jo, he'd admonish me.
A sudden wave of grief swoops in to consume me, and I drop the prickly pear I've been skinning. I bury my face in my hands. Tears burn behind my eyes that I struggle valiantly to control.
God, I miss you, Dad. I miss you so damn much. What would you think of me right now? What would you think of Jared?
"Lanie?" Jared's voice is soft, filled with concern, and very close. "What's wrong? Is it the snake?"
I lower my hands and take a long, quivering breath. "Not exactly. I was just thinking about my dad." I smile up at him wanly. "I was just thinking how much he'd have liked you."
Jared returns my smile. "Because I saved his little girl's life?"
Yup. Twice now. I laugh softly. "Something like that, yeah."
Jared reaches out and wipes my tears away with his thumb. "Come on with me." He takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. His blue eyes leave mine and he nods toward the pool at the base of the waterfall. "Let's go for a swim."
I raise my eyebrows at him. "That water's freezing."
"Uh-huh." Jared begins to remove his clothes. I grin and watch him, my arms crossed. He's going to regret this idea the instant that frigid water hits his vitals. Even the relatively warm pool water at the compound has him complaining about his balls shriveling into hard little raisins. The water here is colder by a good twenty or more degrees.
Jared takes his leg brace off and he doesn't hesitate. With a whoop, he runs, naked as the day he was born, and jumps in the deepest part of the lagoon.
I wince. He's going to come up screaming. That cold water will be hell on his leg and back, too.
Jared's wet head breaks the surface again, but he's not screaming. He's laughing. "Come on in, it's great!" He rolls onto his back, his hair spreading out in a fan around him.
I shake my head even as I start undressing. He watches me, his eyes fixed on my body as I reveal it to him. Naked, I stand on a rock at the edge of the water, eyeing it warily. I know it's cold. I know it's going to hurt. But dammit, if he can do it, so can I.
I take a deep breath and dive in.
Oh, my God. I did a Polar Plunge once and it's like that. I come up, gasping for air and already shivering. "Oh, fuck!" I yell. My nipples are hard little pebbles, my whole body is tingling and kind of numb, but somehow, it feels amazing. And even more amazing when Jared swims over to me, grabs me close, and his mouth crashes on mine.
The water feels warmer already.
I wrap my legs around him as he stands on the bottom of the pool, and somehow, even in that cold water, he's hot, he's hard and he's ready. And oh, God, so am I. I'm more than ready.
As he slips inside me, murmuring my name, with a dim alarm I realize we didn't take precautions. Jared's not wearing a condom. I should be stopping him, but I can't. I can't ruin this moment.
Then my thoughts shred like fine silk as he moves within me, languidly at first and then, as the fire inside us stokes to a roaring inferno, Jared grabs my wet hair in his fist and twists it in the way that I love. I arch my head back and, still thrusting deep inside me, he presses his mouth against my neck, nipping, biting, sucking at the tender flesh where my neck joins my shoulder.
I cling to him, gasping, crying out his name, crying out my love, and then together, we reach a shuddering, white hot climax that leaves us both sated, wholly warm and laughing in between kisses.
We swim over to the waterfall and we look up at the cascading water falling around us. God, it's so magical. Everything about this place is so beautiful, so perfect. It's our own little Garden of Eden here and I dread the thought that in a matter of days we're going to leave it, go back to California, and back to Jared's life in the celebrity bubble. I can't handle the thought of him flying to London and having to parade around with Katia Valkov like he's her toy—which, when you get right down to it—is exactly what he is.
I feel like Shelby did the first night at Jared's, when she looked up at the glowing stars on her ceiling and said she didn't want to go to Mexico, or back to Minnesota, that she wanted to stay there forever. Because that's all I want—to stay here with Jared in this tiny bit of paradise forever. To forget that the rest of the world—Hollywood and Katia and Ivan Valkov and Kristov Belneczek and Jared's team of managers and assistants and lawyers exist. Is that so much to ask?
Of course it is.
Jared combs my hair away from my face. He pulls me close to him as we sit on a rock just behind the waterfall. "I've got something to say to you, Lanie. I hope I say it right."
I look closely at him. "You never have a problem saying things right. I'm the one who opens my mouth and a blithering idiot comes out."
"Yeah, well. This is one of those times that I might struggle with saying the right thing, the right way." He wraps his arms around me. "Today I almost lost you. It keeps hitting me how close you came to being killed, Lanie. You and Shelby mean the world to me, and don't for a minute think I ever have or ever will lose sight of that. No matter what happens."
I close my eyes. I know what he's talking about. I know perfectly well, without him saying it. Hating the insecurity in my voice, in my expression, I sigh and say, "It's going to be so hard, knowing she's there with you, the world thinking you're together, and not knowing if you and she are..." I can't say it. I just can't. I can't even imagine it because if I do, I'll lose my mind.
"I know, Lanie. I know. I can't imagine how it feels, and I know I have no right to expect you to accept this, but please understand that I can't make any promises to you about what will or will not happen. Don't ask me to promise something that I'm not sure I'll be able to keep."
My voice is tiny. "I'm not going to ask you to promise me anything, Jared."
***
It's after nightfall and we're in the shelter. We're warmer now. I'm much warmer as I lay back, my eyes tightly closed and my fingers buried in Jared's hair as he pays homage to every inch of me—with his eyes, then with his hands and fingers, and finally with his tongue—bringing me to a shattering orgasm before sliding up and claiming me completely.
Our lovemaking this time has a frenetic kind of quality, a desperate sense of urgency, a need to convey with more than words our love for one another. Swept up in a wave of feeling, I refuse to allow my mind to dwell on anything else. On my near-death experience, on Jared's imminent trip to Europe, on Katia and Ivan Valkov, on his feelings for Kristov Belneczek that still linger because he's never resolved them. He's here with me now. He's mine, I'm his, and that's all that matters right now.
And so I wipe my mind clear of everything but Jared. I focus my whole attention on him, on pleasing him, on loving him body and soul. Jared seems to be in that same place, his eyes burning into mine as I flip him to his back and ride him, my hair hanging like a curtain on either side of his face, his hands on my breasts as I rock in the rhythm we both love.
Soon, I'm there. I throw my head back and cry out my fulfillment even as deep inside me Jared throbs, he gasps, and his cry joins my own. Then I collapse on him, breathing heavily and raggedly, almost not hearing him when, underneath me, he stirs, sighs, and finally speaks.
"Let's get married."
I freeze, and suddenly I have no breath left in my body. "What?"
"I said, let's get married."
I pull myself up a little and stare down at him. "Married?"
Jared looks back at me, his eyes steady and unblinking in that unnerving way he has about him. "Yeah."
Stunned, I can only stammer out, "You're— you're serious."
Jared nods. "Yeah, I am. I'm completely serious. Vegas isn't far from here. About four hours or so. Let's get dressed, go to Vegas, and do it."
I move off of him and sit up. "Jared, that's insane."
Jared nods again. "Yeah."
"Will you stop saying yeah to everything?" I exclaim. "We can't just run off to Vegas and get married!"
Jared raises himself on one elbow. "Why not?"
I gesture wildly. "Because—because we just can't! That's why!"
Jared raises an eyebrow. "Is that the best you've got? Because we just can't? Why can't we? Give me one valid reason. The only valid reasons I can think of are that you don't love me, or you don't want to marry me. Which one is it?"
"Oh for God's sake." I shake my head. "It's not that. It's—it's because you're a rich famous celebrity, and rich famous celebrities don't just run off to Vegas and elope!"
"Oh?" Jared smirks. "For your information, a lot of celebrities have eloped in Vegas. It's perfectly acceptable."
I sigh. "Vegas marriages are cheap, superficial, and they don't last. I've had one divorce in my life and I have no intention of going through another." I reach for my t-shirt laying crumpled by my pillow and I start to yank it on.
"You're putting that on inside out," Jared observes. I look and realize he's right. With an exasperated sound I tug the shirt off again and turn it right side out, shoving my arms through the sleeves as he says, "Lanie, a wedding in Vegas is no indication that the marriage will fail any more than any other marriage." He puts his hand over mine, stilling my frantic attempts at getting my shirt on. "I want to marry you, Lanie. I see no reason to wait. I don't want a big fancy wedding. You don't strike me as the type of woman who'd want one, either."
I poke my head through the neck hole of the shirt and stare at Jared. Still with that damned calm expression, he stares straight back at me. "You don't have a choice but to wait. There are legalities involved."
"Such as?" he inquires. "In Vegas you just go get the license and do it. No waiting period, no blood tests, nothing."
"How about a pre-nup?" I point out. "Can you imagine what your lawyers, not to mention your family, will do if we come back from this trip married without a fucking pre-nup in place?"
"I don't want a pre-nup," Jared says, sitting up and taking my face in his hands. "To me, all a pre-nup says is that you're expecting the marriage to fail. I wouldn't want to marry you if I thought for a second the marriage was going to fail. I wouldn't marry you if I thought you'd bleed me dry, Lanie. I want to marry you because I love you. I love Shelby, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." His glowing eyes bore into mine before he places a soft kiss on my open mouth. "Marry me," he whispers. "Let's go to Vegas tonight and get married in the morning."
"You're—you're insane," I stammer as I look around for my panties. "Your family will have a stroke if you have a wedding without them. Shelby will be mad, too. Lots of people will be pissed. I mean— your people, my God. What will your people even say?" I locate my panties near the shelter's doorway. I grab them and pull them on.
"Fuck 'em, that's what I say." Jared murmurs and kisses me again. "I've got to get dressed. It's a long hike back to the truck and a four-hour drive. The sooner we go and do it, the sooner we can get back." He pauses, and then slaps himself on the forehead. "Oh. I almost forgot, and I worked on it all afternoon!"
Bemused, I watch Jared scramble nude from the shelter. My mind is a whirlwind of confused thoughts overlaid by shock. But before I can sort out any of it, Jared returns with something in his hands. "We won't have time to get proper wedding attire, but at least you can wear this." He places a wreath he made of wildflowers on my head. "And this."
I look down. In Jared's hand is a ring made of woven thin grasses, intricately braided and knotted. "I had to guess at the size," he murmurs, taking my left hand and sliding the ring on my third finger. Kneeling there, his eyes meet mine. "Marlena JoAnn McCarty, will you marry me?"
My eyes blur, and I close them. It's a magical moment, a moment that I will never forget as long as I live. I have to say the right thing. Opening my eyes, I swallow hard, look down at my hand still in Jared's, and it's trembling. Never in a hundred million lifetimes did I ever imagine this...Jared Leto, on his knees and stark naked, proposing marriage to me with a ring he made out of grass. This is all so bizarre and surreal that I find myself on the verge of hysterical laughter.
Instead I lift my eyes to his, but just in case, I bite my lip to keep the laughter at bay. "On one condition," I manage.
"Name it."
"That no one will ever call me Lanie Leto. That sounds like the name of a cartoon character."
Jared smiles. "You could always use your full name. Marlena Leto." That has a nice ring to it."
"No, that has a horribly antiquated ring to it." I shake my head. "Could I—could I keep—my maiden name?"
Jared studies me. "It's probably a silly, outdated, and maybe even a bit male-chauvinistic way to think, but I've always hoped when and if I ever got married that my wife would take my name. But it's your name, and your choice, Lanie. Completely your choice. No pressure. I just always thought..." his voice trails off as he shrugs and smiles wanly.
In this moment, on the verge of another course my life is taking, I can't help but wonder at all that has happened since the day Jared Leto came so unexpectedly back into my life and turned everything upside down. Back when I was a teenager listening to Jared's music, or watching him fill the screen in one of his movies, I could have never ever dreamed of this outcome. Through the years of marriage to Todd, when in a private moment I'd take out that silver guitar pick and think about the way Jared's eyes locked on mine in the midst of all that chaos. No, I never imagined the twists and turns of life that would somehow lead me to this moment.
I draw a deep breath. "Okay."
Jared's face grows very still, and his gaze intensifies. "Okay, what? Okay, you'll marry me, or okay, you'll marry me and take my last name? You know you can still go by Lanie McCarty if you prefer, even if legally you changed—"
"Yes." Through a blur of tears I smile. I reach out and caress his bearded face. "The answer to both is yes."
Jared pulls me tightly against him and in return, I wrap my arms around him, stroking his bare back, feeling his body and mine melt together. His hand slides up to the back of my head, fingers threading through my hair, and I close my eyes when his mouth finds mine. In his kiss I feel the strength of his love, the strength of his resolve. His kiss tells me louder than words one simple truth—whatever we're going to face in the days and weeks to come, we'll face it together.
And we'll get through it together.
The End.
***
A/N: Stay tuned. The next book in this series, UNFORGETTABLE, is coming very soon! I've so much enjoyed bringing to you Lanie and Jared's story, and I hope you'll come along on the rest of their journey! There's SO much more ahead!
And as always, my deepest thanks for the reads, votes, and comments!!!