Harry
Manchester quickly doesn't turn out to be the city for me. I know that much after only spending a few days there. It has nothing to do with the people, the food, shops or architecture. It has everything to do with me and the fact that I don't feel my own person there. I've always had a thing for breaking free. It's what pushed me away from my family in the first place and living with my sister is making me consider taking the same risk I took all those years ago when I left home to live in Palas.
Maybe I'm meant to wander the world and not attach to people. Certainly because I always end up hurting them, and I doubt if anyone will love me when they know the whole truth about me. Alex cares about me, I know that because she calls every night to talk me to sleep, but I know that she'll never be able to love me like she did. I fucked shit up too much. And the fucked up thing is that I need her calls like a drug to get through the day. The one thing I can look forward to because the rest of the day is filled with nothing.
There's nothing to do. No dishes, no medicine that I need to get, I don't need to help my mother turn in her bed, there isn't even laundry to do because my sister has a cleaning lady and all. Their apartment has enough entertainment for a day, but after three days of staying inside I don't get how my sister has been able to live here for years although this is of course her home now.
I don't have my own space here, there is nothing to do, and all women look like Barbie dolls. Or maybe that is just my imagination that adds it to the things I don't like about Manchester. All I know is, is that there is no other place to go. I don't have friends left that will take me in their houses and I don't have a job that might help me. Manchester it is for now, and maybe that's why I feel a little bit of happiness at the thought of going back to Cambridge for my mother's funeral. That and the prospect of seeing Alex. It helps me cope with the looming fact that after today my mother is really no longer amongst us.
"Isn't it weird that she's no longer here? I'm so used to not seeing her so much that it hasn't hit me yet, I think," Liz says as she drives us to Cambridge. Her husband in the passenger seat and I in the back like a child.
I only hum, not feeling the need to have a full on conversation. Instead I plug in my earphones and listen to some music as we complete our trip to Cambridge. That way I know for sure that my sister isn't going to reminisce or make me cry on a day that will be emotional for many reasons.
We arrive early and make our way into the funeral home where the service will be. Since my mother doesn't believe in a God she choose this place instead of a church and I'm all for it. It is supposed to be quick and luckily I don't have to speak. I sort of liked doing it at Alex's father's funeral because it felt like a last honor to him, and I know Alex appreciated it. I know that my mother wouldn't, this all is her wish. She wants me to move on. That's why she set up a fund and is trying to give me some purpose. As if she knew that I'd be without any direction by now.
No one else has seem to arrive yet so my sister and I wait outside the venue. After a few minutes of simply standing in the front yard, the lady from the home steps outside. Dressed in a black two piece she looks in proper mourning. The three of us look like we could be attending a wedding instead of a funeral. It makes me look down to my white button up and dress pants, but it is hot and this already feels like too much.
"Hello you three," she says with a cheery voice, "welcome. You are more than welcome to wait inside if you wish. There's also still the possibility of seeing your mother before we close the coffin."
Liz looks to me briefly and I know she wants to do it, but I don't feel like it so I shake my head.
"We will," my sister says, "my brother won't."
"Of course." She gives me a nod before she starts to walk back, Liz and Ben behind her.
The hot weather has died down a bit, but it is still English summertime. When the sun shines, it is hot and humid, but clouds get in the way every now and then. It would be a perfect day for a wedding, but unfortunately we're here for an entire different reason. I wish it was for a wedding. With Alex. I can almost see her in a wavy white dress. Her face glowing and radiating happiness. When I attended the last wedding I went to, I really thought that would be my future. Not Alex walking up to me at my mother's funeral like is happening right now.
My hands start to sweat the moment I see her. She's wearing all black and is by herself. Her hair floats in every direction because of the wind and she's busy keeping it down- therefor not seeing me. It gives me a moment to take her in. After seeing her last in our house I thought that I'd never see her again. Slowly she let me in her life again although we're nowhere being friends. I have no clue how she's doing or what her days look like. All I know is that she's doing better and that she's wishing to stay single.
I can tell that she's doing better by the way she almost looks relaxed. Unlike myself. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. My heart beats out of my chest and my mouth is suddenly very dry. For a second I see her laying in the hospital, her skin destroyed by her own nails and her hands ready to inflict the same physical pain on me as she experienced from my mistakes. But now she's here, ready to walk past me into the funeral home. She doesn't even notice me.
"Alex," I yell, standing up to go after her.
When she looks over her shoulder I know that before she fooled me by looking relax. There's panic the moment we lock eyes.
"Hey," she says, and even her voice sounds different.
We stand still for a moment, not knowing what to do and I feel like I need to take the lead. Like always, her panic makes me the calmer one even when I feel like breaking down myself.
"Want to sit outside for a moment?" I offer and she nods. "You look beautiful."
"Oh," she mumbles, "thank you."
"How was the trip up here? Did it go okay?" I ask, and we sit down on a bench outside of the building.
"Yeah, it went better than expected. No major things."
"What were the less major things then?"
"A million thoughts going through my head, but I actually was a bit productive. Kept my mind of things."
"Productive how?"
She looks a bit unsure to tell me, I can see that from the way she averts eye contact. "I'm going to meet Rob in a week and my therapist told me to make a list of questions of things I want to know. I worked on it a while ago, but finally completed it."
I'm probably missing a million things here as to why she's meeting Rob, the late husband of her mother and former drug lord. The urge to tell her not to go it big and on the tip of my tongue, but I hold back. I realize I'm not in the position to tell her what to do.
"You have a lot of questions for him then?"
"Yes, it is quite long actually. There's just so much I don't know of her and that might help me understand myself better."
"I hope it will help," I tell her, sounding a bit doubtful and she shakes her head one time, showing me that she still hears my tone and is disappointed by it.
"Yeah, well," she pauses and looks ahead. "How have you been? Really?"
The past days when we spoke, we never really talked about either of our feelings. She'd just tell me stories that would erase all the bad thoughts from my head and helped me sleep. Most of the stories were about her father or the very early days of our friendship. No word about my mother or my grief, just like I requested. If it wasn't for Alex, I wouldn't be sitting here as calm as I am. I would have let that darkness in that looms within me. Alex saved me from that although she has no idea about how much her stories helped me.
"Don't have a clue. Restless."
"It hasn't hit you yet, has it?"
"It did the second she passed. I saw it happening and I knew that that was it, but after thirty minutes I sort of felt empty."
"What was it like?" Alex wonders and I struggle to explain.
"Serene almost. We just held her hand and saw her face change. She suddenly looked years younger, and then she just breathed quite heavily for a few seconds and that was it. She passed almost silently."
"She deserved that after suffering for so long. How long do you think she was sick?"
"I think she found out around the time that you came back. When she came to my birthday to talk about the funds, she already knew that she was dying."
"So longer than six months. She must have been very happy to have you and your sister there. That's probably why she was able to pass so silently. She knew you two were alright."
"I'm not alright though. My life's a mess," I tell her. "Well, I don't have to tell you, and I know it is my own fault, but still."
"But you were with your sister who you no longer considered family, and you both were there while she died. If you weren't truly alright on the inside you wouldn't have been able to and she must have known that. She knows that eventually you'll be okay. All that is a mess now will be better one day."
I look over to her, almost feeling myself at ease to hear her say that I will be alright and that my mother knew that. When we drove up here I thought something completely different, and for the past days I felt like shit but Alex manages to make me believe in myself just a little bit more.
"I'm not worthy of your confidence in me," I mumble and she gives me a tiny laugh.
"The fact that I can be confident in you proves that you are worthy of my trust," she says and I thought that I'd run out of tears, but they boil up inside of me now that she's being sweet. She might believe that I deserve her kindness because of my grief, but I know I don't after all I caused her.
I clear my throat and stand up quick, feeling the need to take a breather, but then my sister walks up to me with her husband's arm around her. She's still crying when she reaches us and I feel torn between making a run for it or comforting my sister.
Alex stands up behind me and extends her hand to Liz. "I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thank you so much for being here, Alex," she says through her tears and I'm nailed to the floor when Alex touches my back. It's as if time stops and all that is happening is her hand against the thin fabric of my button up. Her fingers making circles as slowly my entire body relaxes.
"Of course," she speaks and the tables have been turned.
When we started our conversation, I was the calmer one, but right now she definitely is. She's in control of her emotions and panic and introduces herself to Ben all the while caressing my skin.
"Are you sure that you don't want to see her?" My sister asks quietly, but I know that Alex can hear. "She looks beautiful, really. I thought it would be scary too, but it is a nice image to see her resting. I asked them to wait so that if you want to, you can go still."
I give a tiny nod in hopes that she understands that I need a second to think about it and she and Ben walk back inside. Alex stays with me, not once losing contact with my back.
"If you want I can come with you," she offers and it is a tempting one.
"You'd do that? You couldn't stand seeing your father," I remind her.
"But I survived it because of you."
"Is that why you're nice to me now? To repay me or something? Because you don't need to. Like you said, I'll be fine one day. You don't need to fake your kindness out of guilt."
"Harry," she mumbles, and there's so much more behind the way she says my name. I know that she's trying to tell me that now is not the time to discuss this. That I should simply accept her help because she cares for me and not doubt her even when it is my instinct to do that. "You know why I'm nice to you. Don't make me say it."
I take a deep breath and give her a nod. It's because she loves me.
"You also know that to be true, because otherwise I would have absolutely no reason to be here after what you did. So I'm not simply returning the favour, okay?"
"Okay."
"So, shall we go see your mother?" She asks again and her patience with me is surprising. Although I still don't feel like I deserve it, I also know that discussing it is pointless.
"I don't want it to upset you."
"And I don't want you to be upset about it later."
"Okay, then. If you're sure."
She sighs, not responding as she's almost done bearing with me. Still she guides me inside to my sister who explains where we can go see her. The walk there is haunting and I realize that our tempo slows down with every step. Both of us dreading this moment, but I know that I'd regret it if I don't do it now that I'm so close.
Alex's hand stops caressing me and instead wraps around my waist, managing to pull me closer. When I look down to her and our eyes meet, the urge to kiss her lips is big. Just a small moment to forget why we're here. To pretend that she's still my girlfriend and that I'm not a dick, but I don't do it. It would upset her for real. I can see that in her eyes.
"We can do this," she then says and I wish she was talking about the kiss, but I of course know she means going inside to see my mother for the last time.
I nod to her once and then open the door with a creak. At first I'm too shocked to react, but then the only thing I want to do is hold Alex close.
My mother looks eerie, but beautiful like my sister said. The only thing that really upsets me is that she isn't lying in her bed in which I nursed her for months, but in a coffin. It doesn't look real and I have no desire to step closer. I believe it is her, I don't need to make sure.
"Do you mind if I look a bit closer?" Alex asks and she sounds small and fragile and I know she's only doing this for me.
"You don't need to for me," I tell her, but she lets me go nevertheless. I don't like being left alone as she walks forward to my mother, ending up right beside her.
"It only now hits me how much your sister looks like her. They're truly beautiful. And your nose looks exactly the same."
"Does it?"
"Yes, I can recognize your nose from a mile away. Come here, Harry."
I listen to her and step a bit closer to end up behind her. Over her shoulder I look to my mother who looks like she's just sleeping, but her heart no longer beats. I felt it fade away right where Alex is touching her by her wrist.
"Goodbye, Ellie," she mumbles. "Thank you," she even adds softer.
"Bye mum," I stutter, feeling tears boil up once again.
Alex seems to hear it and she turns around to face me. "It will all be okay," she says. "Everything will feel awful for a while, but you'll manage. Use the fund to start your own shop. Enjoy your work again, and then slowly everything else will feel normal too."
"You think?"
"I know," she answers.
Then she wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me for real. Her body pushed against my own as I return it, almost lifting her off the ground. She buries her head in my neck. It seems she's just as eager for this as I am. The both of us not bothered that this is all happening in front of my dead mother. I hope her words will turn out to be true. That one day everything will feel normal again, I just hope that that means that one I day I'll feel as complete again like Alex makes me feel.