"Kapag ang ballpen ay naubos, re-refill-an mo lang ng ink tapos okay na uli, susulat na itong muli.
Parang tayo.
Kapag tayo ay nasaktan, nauubos tayo. Yung para bang may parte ng pagkatao mo ang nawala rin sayo kasabay ng pag-alis niya. Pero sa tulong ng panahon, magiging okay rin tayo kasi may darating upang refill-an yung naubos nating pagmamahal. Tapos okay na uli, magmamahal na tayong muli.
Pero tulad ng ballpen, darating ang araw na mauubos na naman tayo. At mauulit na naman. Hanggang sa marating mo ang dulo ng tinta, ang dulo ng pag-asa, ang pag-asang hindi na muling masasaktan. Pero heto ka't nasaktan na naman. Hanggang sa wala nang dumating na magre-refill, wala nang magpupunan ng pagmamahal sa puso mong winasak na naman.
Hanggang sa wala na tayong maibigay na pagmamahal kasi miski tayo, naubos na rin. Na pati sarili mo, napagod mo nang mahalin."
"Uy! What are you up to?"
Mabilis kong sinarhan ang notebook na sinusulatan ko. Ayokong may makakita ng mga isinusulat ko.
"Wala," I smiled bitterly.
"Anothery poetry?" He said while settling beside my seat.
"Kinda."
Nandito na naman siya. Parang dati lang. Parang nung mga panahong okay pa ang lahat.
I moved a little bit further than him. I just doesn't feel comfortable around him anymore.
"C'mon why are you being like that?" He said. Para namang di na siya nasanay.
"What am I being like?" WHAT THE HELL. I SOUND STUPID!
He chuckled then may kinuha siya sa bag nya. Lunchbox. Our lunchbox. It's kind of a habit na siguro sa kanya na dalhan ako ng lunch.
"You should eat something." He said while he's preparing our food.
"You shouldn't be here." I said while staring at him.
Why am I so lucky? I don't deserve this treatment.
I don't deserve him.
"Stop tapping your ballpen on the table," he said.
His face lightened up when he's about to tell me something.
"Ohh I get it now. Ballpen na naman?" He said.
What?
"Yung sinusulat mo kanina. Ballpen na naman?"
I was shocked. Paano nya nalaman? BAKIT NYA GUSTONG MALAMAN? I'm so confused and pressured right now. Does he knows? Alam ba nya? MAY NAGSABI BA SA KANYA? Oh my gosh! For pete's sake, sana hindi nya alam na my poetries are all about him.
When he realized what he said, I saw a little panic in his eyes.
"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath.
Ano bang nangyayari? Naguguluhan ako!
"Wait here, I'll just get my coat. Alright?" He said then I nodded.
Gaano na ba ako katagal dito? Hindi ko na mabilang. Ayoko na bilangin. Basta ang alam ko, kasama ko siya. Yun nalang ang mahalaga.
Someone approached me. He even reached my arm.
"Hi Mystie, nandito na sila."
"Who are you? Don't touch me!" I said. What the fuck is wrong with strangers nowadays? Bigla nalang silang mang-ggrab ng arms ng di nila kilala then act like nothing is wrong? Stupid!
"It's...me." He said and I almost spared him pity nung mga sandaling iyon. Yung mga mata kasi nya. Parang pagod na pagod na. Nakakaawa.
Huh! Modus ata ito nowadays! Luckily, I hurriedly ran off and hid behind one of the benches around this hall.
Phew! He almost caught me. Bwahahahahahahaha! I'm Mystie the great! No one can fool me. Siya lang.
Fuck. Oo, naloko na naman niya ako. Hindi na naman siya bumalik.
Babalik na sana ako sa room ko but I accidentally heard something. Someone's talking about me.
"Where's Mystie? Akala ko magkasama kayo Lucas?" That's my dad's voice! Oh my gosh!
Tatakbo na sana ako pabalik sa kanila nang makita ko na kausap nila yung stranger kanina. Okay? Anong nangyayari?
"Opo magkasama po kami kanina. But when I wore my coat, hindi na naman po niya ako nakilala."
All I can see is that stranger guy's back and the faces of my parents.
"Lucas," my mom said. What? That guy is Lucas? WHAT?! "Are you getting tired of Mystie?" My mom added.
Hindi nakasagot si 'Lucas' daw but nakita ko siyang magbuntong hininga.
"Wala kang karapatang mapagod!" My mom shouted.
Nagulat ako. Biglang nag-iba ang mukha ni mom and parang nag-hysterical siya while my dad is calming her.
"If you didn't left Mystie, hindi mangyayari to! My god, Lucas! Haven't you realized na girlfriend mo si Mystie for 13 years?! You already have your lives planned out diba?? Right from the start, binalaan na kita. I said that our Mystie is not normal, may psychological disorder siya! She can't experience extreme emotion other than love. But you said that you really loved her so hinayaan ka namin! Pinag-aral ka namin! Pinakain ka namin! Binihisan ka namin! Inahon ka namin sa basura Lucas! Then suddenly iiwan mo nalang siya? Hindi mo alam ang nangyari kay Mystie sa loob ng isang taong wala ka! Bakit mo nagawa sa kanya yon?! Bakit?!" My mom said while crying.
"Bakit? Sa tingin nyo ba hindi pa ko bayad sa lahat ng utang na loob ko sa inyo, ha?! I did. I really loved Mystie! I did everything for her! At hanggang ngayon ginagawa ko pa rin ang lahat para sa kanya! Isang taon lang ako nawala sa tabi niya pero buong buhay ko na yung ipinambabayad ko! I was stucked here in a mental hospital just because of her! I admit, I needed her, I pursued her first because of money, kasi gusto kong umayos ang buhay ko. Pero natutuhan ko siyang mahalin! Pero tangina naman, sinong magpapakasal sa isang pyschotic? Stop acting like you know everything, because you don't!" He said. He finally had enough. He was shouting real hard. They're now causing a scene.
I didn't realized na umiiyak na rin pala ako.
Sinampal ni mom si Lucas. But dad decided to butt in.
"Enough! Tama na! We can't do anything about Mystie's situation. Almost five years na rin siyang nandito pero hanggang ngayon nagsisisihan pa rin kayo! Nagkulang kami, bilang magulang niya kaya nangyari ito. At ikaw Lucas, you're almost 40! You should live your life. Wag ka nang magtrabaho sa ospital na ito. Wag mo na alagaan si Mystie out of guilt. Please lang, wag mo na siya bigyan ng ballpen. Huwag mo na siyang paasahin!" Dad said and with that, Lucas stormed off.
When everything came back in my memory, I burst in tears. I have a psychological disorder and selective amnesia, yup natatandaan ko na, sa ngayon. I also didn't have the capability to bear a child, something's wrong with my body and maaapektuhan din daw ang baby if I'm under this condition.
That's why I broke up with Lucas.
Ako ang nang-iwan.
I pushed him away. Ayaw ko na siyang pahirapan. But sobra akong naghirap after he left. I didn't take my meds, di na ako pumasok, di na ako naka-graduate. I even attempted to kill myself.
Ayaw ko na siyang mahirapan, kaya ko siya pinakawalan noon. Akala nya inaatake lang ako ng sakit ko. One night, noong nakainom siya, he called me that. That word that he spitted out kanina. "Psychotic." He called me names tulad nun. Kaya napagdesisyonan ko na iwan na talaga siya noon. I'm not good for him. At sa mga nangyayari ng mga panahon na yon, he is no longer good for me either.
I love him. But I can't let him destroy himself kasabay nang pagkawasak ko.
I was devastated.
Di ko namalayan na sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, nasira ko na rin pala siya. Either way pala masisira ko rin siya, sana I kept him around nalang.
Ballpen? Why does everybody knows about that thing?
I went inside my room.
Yung notebook na sinusulatan ko kanina, I went through sa mga unang pages.
What am I doing?
I haven't done any poetry.
Paulit-ulit lang yung poem about ballpen.
All of those poems, paulit-ulit kong sinusulat.
It's not mine though!
God knows how much I hate literature. And I know how much Lucas loves them.
And this poetry, Ballpen, he wrote this for me before. Before we broke up.
And now I'm writing this all over and over again, now that I'm still breaking him apart with his ballpen on my hand.