I stood up so quickly my chair went flying backwards and toppled over. I couldn’t hear what my teacher was yelling at me, I was being consumed by the blackness spreading around Ray’s right eye. I shoved the door open so violently that he had to jump out of the way. He held his hand out to me and I took it; maybe the class had seen, but I couldn’t think about them right now.
We ran together to the nearest bathroom where he simply stood and stared at his reflection in the mirror. The look on his face was one of pure hatred and revulsion, but I wasn’t quite sure what he was mad about. He didn’t move.
I grabbed some tissue from the toilet and soaked it in the tap water, knowing that it would be freezing. I held it to his eye but he shook me off.
“C’mon, Ray, let me help!” I begged. He shook his head, eyes still narrowed and locked on his reflection. I tried to put the tissue to his eye once again but he slapped my hand away.
“Don’t.”
I stopped and stared at him, a million questions running through my mind. Why was he being so difficult? More importantly; who had done this to him?
“Ray-”
“Just don’t, Ash. Ok?” he said.
Then he started to laugh almost manically and I started to feel slightly scared.
“I’ve always had this idea that gay is okay, y’know? That it was natural, that it was me.” He shook his head.
“Ray! It is okay, of course it’s okay!” I told him.
“Oh, I know. I just don’t see why other people can’t understand that.”
Suddenly I had nothing to say. I knew exactly what he meant, though. Of course it’s okay to be gay, just like it’s okay to be bisexual and so on. LBGT people aren’t freaks, they- we- are just the same as everyone else. My mum used to tell me that being bisexual just meant I was more open-minded.
I reached out to take hold of his hand but he stayed tense so I let my arm drop.
“Who did this to you?” I asked him. He snorted.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Anger.
“Of course it fucking matters, you twat. I need to know who the hell thought it would be okay to hit you!” I snapped.
“I don’t need you to protect me, Ash. I’m a big boy, I can look after myself. You seem to have it in your brain that just because it’s normal for a guy to stick up for a girl, that’s the way it’s going to be in this relationship. Well, guess what? I’m not a chick. Girls don’t even need a guy to stick up for them, why are you assuming I do?” he argued.
“You know what? Fuck it. I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay. And, y’know what? You came to find me.” I said, and I turned on my heel and walked away.
I could hear him calling my name but I didn’t want to turn round, I didn’t want to respond. I just carried on walking. I walked straight past all the buildings, towards the gates. I dropped my bag in the centre of the driveway and just carried on walking, all the way to town, all the way to the coffee shop. Once inside I ordered a cup of tea, sat at a different table to mine and Ray’s one, put my head down and thought.
I wanted to cry but I… couldn’t.
It wasn’t my fault that Ray wouldn’t accept my help. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know what to say to make him happy. I was still new to this whole ‘relationship with a guy’ thing. It was like I was bloody emasculating him or something; I just wanted to be there for him.
“Excuse me, is your name Ash?”
I lifted my head slightly from where it was resting on my arms. The girl from behind the counter was stood in front of me, a bright but sympathetic look on her face. Her hair was scraped back into a high set ponytail and she wearing an orange polo-shirt with denim shorts and gladiator sandals, everything showing off and complimenting her tanned skin.
I nodded.
“I just wanted to check if you were okay. Where’s Ray? I’ve never seen you in here without him.” she asked. A puzzled look must have crept onto my face because she shuffled from one foot to the other and continued. “I’m sorry to be so nosy. I’m Liz.”
She reached out a hand and I shook it. She was on her break so she sat down on the chair opposite me. She asked me to tell her what was wrong and suddenly, before I could stop myself, I told her about the whole ordeal. She sat and nodded and made sympathetic noises.
“I know exactly how you feel, Ash.” she said.
“How, exactly?” I snapped. I didn’t mean to be so angry and rude but I couldn’t see how she would know exactly how I felt.
Which was when a girl entered the shop and came over to our table.
“Hey babe!” she said, and kissed Liz on the lips.
Okay, so now I feel awful.
So I sat and made awkward conversation with Liz and her girlfriend for a while before both of the girls had to get to work. I sat there and was guiltily served free drinks.
*
Saturday morning I woke up neither late nor early, but I wasn’t happy. I was in an average mood.
Ray hadn’t been in school for the rest of the week. He’d been ill; at least, that was what he’d told the school. He hadn’t told me anything.
As I was in the shower I had the ridiculous feeling I should be singing I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair. Obviously I didn’t, but it felt appropriate.
Mum nearly fainted when I brought in her tea once again, but she just smiled. I went and woke up my siblings and told them to get ready to go out before going back to my room and getting dressed in a Foo Fighters shirt, a pair of skinny jeans and my usual Converses. Black shark-tooth earring in, fringe straightened- I felt like crap but at least I looked good.
Lisa and Bart were so eager to spend a day playing at the park that they were ready even before I was. They were shouting at me from downstairs so I deliberately made my footsteps heavy and slow… and then sprinted past them out the door. They squealed and chased me down the road, never fast enough, obviously.
When we got to the park it was virtually empty. We headed straight for the football field and set up a game- me and Lisa against Bart and then Bart and Lisa against me. Both matches I almost won and then somehow near the end of both the games I just so happened to need to tie up my shoelace when they were near the goal. Damn, just my luck.
“Yay!” they shouted in unison, and I turned to see them running towards Brad, Dylan and Aaron.
“Guys, stop!” I yelled, but it was too late; they had both thrown themselves full speed at the guys. At least it wasn’t me, I suppose.
I sat down on the grass and let them play for a while.
“Hey, Ash.”
I turned my head to see Tanya walking towards me. I smiled and she smiled back. She looked really quite stunning, wearing a summer dress which was light orange with a red and yellow flower pattern, a mint green cardigan and brown gladiator sandals. Her face had a lot of makeup on it, but in a flattering fashion, her bright green eyes outlined to make them stand out, her lips paled slightly. Her red-brown hair had been cut shorter since I had last seen her and it was now in a sleek, layered bob.
“Morning, Tan.” I said as she sat down beside me, and we had an awkward seated hug. She smiled again and began plucking daisies from the ground, making a daisy chain easily with her nimble hands.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Alright, thanks. What about you?”
“Good. I had a modelling job yesterday- hence the haircut.” she laughed a little and then continued brightly. “Have you heard from Ray?”
“No, not yet.” I replied, bowing my head. Her tone softened.
“Maybe he’s just too ill to talk. I’m sure he’ll be better soon.” she said gently.
There was an awkwardness to the air and I got a strange feeling-
“Ash?”
My numbness was shattered and I instantly stood at the sound of his voice.
Ray was standing a little way away, his raven’s nest of hair darker and messier than ever. He flicked some hair out of his large brown eyes and bit down on his lip as he looked at me. He was wearing a Sex Pistols shirt, skinny jeans and Converses. Just looking at him did funny things to my heart; its beating rate increased but it seemed to also melt at the same time.
“Hey, Ray.” I whispered.
Even though Tanya left us to go and talk to the others, me and Ray walked a little further away from them.
“Can I talk to you? Or are you mad at me?” he asked.
“Ray, I’m not mad, I just-” before I could finish he put a finger to my lips to silence me, and then lightly dragged it down, pulling on my bottom lip slightly. He smiled weakly. His black eye had faded to a light yellow now.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted, Ash. I know you’re new to this… but you really can’t treat me like I can’t handle things for myself. I’m still me, I’m still a dude.” he said.
“I’m sorry.” I said simply, but it was enough.
I felt like I should say I love you… but I didn’t.