It's been exactly one week since Justin texted me. I never answered him. He didn't text me again or post anything again.
And now today I talked to Scooter and he said he would go over to my house and make sure Justin isn't there so I can grab some more clothes. I don't know how long I'll be at this hotel. But I need more of my clothes.
It feels nice to be back in my home again. I see nothing changed. I haven't been home in two long months...
I looked around then ran up the steps. I need to get clothes quickly because I don't know when Justin is coming back. I walked into the guest bedroom where my clothes are in the closet.
Justin and I both have a lot of clothes and shoes so it was easier to have separate closets and this room is directly across the hall from our bed room. But once our relationship got rocky and whenever we weren't together or fighting I would stay in here.
I walked over to the bed and noticed a book on the bed. I got closer and noticed it's the journal that Justin just brought recently. He got it because he was running out of pages in the journal I got him for his 18th birthday two years ago.
What is it doing in here?
I picked it up, but I heisted to open it.
Do I want to read any of it? Maybe that's what it's here for?
I sat on the bed and I took a deep breath before opening it. I flipped through the pages and noticed they all have titles and are not full songs. I went back to the first page and started to read. The title was called 'Bad Day'.
'Bad Day
No I didn't think you would let me
Down that easy, oh no girl
And I didn't think it was over
Until you walked away like it was nothing baby
And that moment was so hard for me to breathe, yeah
Cause you took away the biggest part of me, yeah
Life was so unpredictable, yeah
Never thought a love like yours would leave me all alone, oh no
Didn't waste any time
But you had already made up your mind
No sympathy
Cause I was out of line, oh yeah"
Do I want to keep reading the rest? I sighed and read over the lyrics again. My heart already hurts. If they are all like this, I don't know how I'll react. I flipped the page to read the next one.
I read 'Heartbreaker' at the top making me nervous to read more. But I do anyway. A lot of it is scribbled out.
'heartbreaker
So what I'm really tryna say is
And what I hope you understand
Is despite of all the imperfections of who I am
I still wanna be your man
I know it hasn't been easy for us to talk
With everyone being around but
It's just personal, this just, for me and you
And I want you to know that I still love you
And though the seasons may change
Sometimes love goes from sunshine to rain
I'm under this umbrella and I'm calling your name
And you know I don't wanna lose that, cause I still believe
I still believe in love, I still believe in us
I hope you believe in us, the way I believe in us, you don't see
Cause what you don't see is when we don't speak I really don't sleep, I wanna talk to you
And if I'd have the world in my hands I'd give it all to ya
I wanna know if you feeling, the way that I'm feeling'
He definitely put this here for me to read for whenever I came back. Why else would it be in here? I've only read two pages and I'm already at a loss of words. I flipped the page again and continued reading.
'all that matters
Oh oh, just as sure as the stars in the sky
I need you to shine in my life
Not just for the meanwhile, for a long long time
Better believe it
Whenever you're not in my presence
It feels like I'm missing my blessings, yeah
So I sleep through the daylight, stay awake all night
'Til you're back again, oh yeah, yeah
You think I'm biased, to my significant other
You hit it right on the head, only been missing my lover
Got a whole lot of texts in my phone and I don't reply
But the next eight bars tell you why
You're all that matters to me, yeah yeah
Ain't worried about nobody else
If I ain't with you, I ain't myself
You make me complete
You're all that matters to me, yeah yeah
What's a king babe without a queen?
There ain't no "I" in team
You make me complete, you're all that matters to me
Oh-oh, I'm grateful for your existence
Faithful no matter the distance
You're the only girl I see
From the bottom of my heart, please believe'
Again, I flipped the page after reading. I'm not sure what to think or say right now. I feel so lost.
'change me
Girl I'm ready if you're ready now
Oh, as I'm ever gonna be
If you're with it then I'm with it now
To accept all responsibility
I go out of my way to live by the words that you say
I don't wanna be the same, oh
Maybe you could change me
Maybe you could change me, woah
Maybe you could be the light that opens up my eyes
Make all my wrongs right, change me, change me
Don't fight fire with fire
If I'm screaming, talk quieter
Understanding and patience
Feel the pain that I'm facing
Be like serenity, help reposition my mind
Take a chance make a difference, in my life'
At this point, I just feel myself wanting to cry and break down again. I'm just so depressed and a mess. Life has been so weird lately. I never thought I'd get to the point I'm at now. I flipped the page to read the next song.
'flatline
Lately you've been busy, wondering if you miss me
Why did you go against me? I just wanna know
How come you act so different? Just talk to me I'll listen
All the love I'm giving, don't act like you don't know
I was out there on the road, life out of control
She became a victim to my busy schedule
And I know that it's not fair, that don't mean that I don't care
This one's dedicated to the girl out there
Girl you always catch me at the bad time
When I know you probably think it's a lie
I know I told you last time was the last time
How could you pull the plug and let me flatline?
Flatline, flatline
Not breathing, what is it I'm not seeing?
She said she's leaving, damn I can't believe it
It's like my heart's bleeding knowing that you don't need me
Shut my heart down, now I don't know what Ima do now'
And finally, as I saw it coming, I started to cry. This songs are really hitting me. He always puts his emotions into his songs and reading these tells me how he really feels. He's just as heartbroken as I am. I got to the last song and began to read while wiping my tears away.
'alone
We were inseparable
Everything I had to do, I did it next to you
And the memories we made were so incredible
Then our love was interrupted by my schedule
There was nothing that I could do
Cause you fell into the deepest depression baby
And I hate to know I'm responsible
And your heart filled up with so much aggression baby, you got used to
Being alone, alone
I saw it happening
But I didn't accept the truth, I couldn't fathom it
There was so much going on you couldn't handle it
Could have divided my time, I should have rationed it'
There wasn't a lot to that one. He wrote that last part on the bottom of the page so I'm assuming there's more in between he knew he would write. I sat there crying as I read over all six songs once more.
I know he wanted me to read these. It only hurt me more, but it made me realize he knows where things went wrong. He knows he was in the wrong. He's came to the realization that I truly felt done. I packed and left. That was the one thing he thought would never happen.
I put the book down beside me and took a deep breath to calm myself down. I heard the front door shut so I stood up again. I need to grab some clothes now so I can leave. I wiped my face of the remaining tears then walked over to the closet and grabbed a bag before walking back to the bed to put the bag on it.
I heard footsteps coming up the steps. Scooter is probably coming to see what is taking me so long since I said I would only take a few minutes and it's been longer than that. I put two sweaters in quickly.
"I didn't even start-" I stopped talking as I turned around to see it wasn't Scooter. "Justin" I said almost in a whisper.
It was Justin standing there just as shocked as I am. Justin is right in front of me. For the first time in what feels like forever. My heart felt heavy seeing him again. I wasn't prepared to see him today. But there he is, staring back at me. Of course handsome, as always.
"Jamie. What- uh- you're back" He stuttered out. He is really taken back to see me. I put my hand on the dresser next to me.
"I came to get some things" I told him.
"Oh" he said quietly as he nodded slowly. His eyes traveled to his journal laying next to my bag on the bed.
"You left it in here" I said getting his attention. As he looked back at me, I felt my heart beat faster. But I kept my cool and tried to play it off like I was fine. He just stared at me with sad eyes. I wasn't sure what to say to him.
This is my first time seeing him in two months. This has been the longest time I have ever spent away from him and not talking to him.
"When did you get back into town?" He asked me as he leaned against the door frame.
"Two weeks ago" I answered him quietly. He then looked a little confused. I know he knows I've been in town. I mean he wouldn't have texted me to meet up if he knew I was in a different country.
"Where have you been staying?" He asked.
"A hotel" I leaned against the dresser and crossed my arms.
"This is your home too, you know. Even though we aren't together doesn't make it just my home. It's equally ours" he told me. I nodded.
He's right. I can easily lock myself in this room and think and not have to see him. Maybe I should go get my stuff from the hotel. I took a deep breath then walked over to my bag and started to take out the only few things I put in here.
"I'm sorry" I heard him say in a louder voice. I looked over at him again. "I really am sorry. I realized all of my mistakes. I see exactly why you walked away. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I wasn't myself. But I have been doing better on being myself again. A week after you left, my parents came with my little siblings. I spent a lot of time with them that was much needed. And after the kids went to sleep, my parents sat me down, with Scooter, Allison, and Ryan, and cried to me. Begged me to stop everything I was doing. Begged me to stop hating life. We all talked for hours and hours. I know you have tried to help me so many times and I'm sorry for pushing you away and pretending like I was fine. I didn't want you to see me as weak. But these past two months have been even more rocky without you, but I finally feel a little better. The only thing holding me back was you being gone. It pained me so badly to see you walk away. I prayed and prayed for life changes, for hope, and for you to come back home to me. Because I can't live without you and I don't ever want to" He ranted to me as he took a few steps into the room.
"Thank you for apologizing. I'm happy that you finally realized you're worth so much. I figured your family would be the ones to push you to get help" I started to say, but I took a deep breath.
"Can you just stay here? You don't need to be in a hotel. This is your home too. Whether we are together or not" he said to me. I nodded.
"You're right" I said quietly. I sighed and looked over at my bag which was empty again. I guess it makes it easier on me. Expect I have to get my other things. I felt his eyes still on me.
"Uh h-how are you?" He stumbled over like he was nervous. "It's been two months since I last saw you" he said making me look over at him. Two long months since I have seen his face or talked to him.
"I'm okay" I said in a low tone as I nodded. He nodded back then looked down at his shoes. "You?" I asked and he shot his head up to look at me. He seemed surprised I asked.
"I pretty much explained it. I-I don't know. I'm okay I guess" he said back. I nodded again understanding what he was trying to say. I grabbed the empty bag and put it on the floor next to the closet door.
"I have to go get my things" I said without looking at him as I grabbed my car keys from the bed. I looked over at the only other thing left on the bed. The journal. I sighed as I grabbed it then faced Justin who is still watching me with sad eyes. "Here" I quietly said as I held it out for him.
"Thanks" he said in the same quiet tone as he grabbed it. He nodded then turned around to walk away.
"Can I ask why it was in here?" I asked him making him stop in his tracks. I watched as he stood there for a few seconds then turned his body a little so he can look back at me.
"I was writing in there. I, uh, must have forgot it" he told me. I don't believe him for a second. Why would he write in here? He has never done that before.
"In here? You've never done that" I asked.
"You've been gone for a while, maybe things changed" he said before turning around and taking a few more steps till he reaching our bed room then he stopped walking again. I watched him shake his head then turn around completely to face me. "Whenever we would fight or be on a break, you would act like that was your bed room. So I don't know, I just felt a little better in there than our own bed room" he said then walked into the room and shut the door. I took a deep breath and walked out of the room and down the steps. I don't even know how to act. I don't know what to say.