Two months had passed since talked to Harry. Not even at home had I saw him once, I was beginning to rethink my response to him that night. I was terrified to see him, honestly. To think of all of the things he could do to me, it scared me. He wasn't afraid to hurt me, yet I knew he wouldn't lay a finger on me. He wasn't like that with me, at least that's what I thought.
My parents were away, on "vacation" somewhere, didn't matter where, they were always gone anyway, never felt like they were home much. So I would have the house all to myself. Once again.
Even if I were surrounded by thousands of people, maybe even millions, I'd still feel alone. I could be in a room full of people and still feel so stranded in my own little world, unable to find out what I really wanted to be. I even regret getting pregnant, not knowing who the father was. Although I did have an idea of who it could be, I wasn't going to throw anything at anyone if they weren't ready for it. I guess for now I'd have to assume it was Harry's and be done with it. But no matter what, I could live with the guilt of not telling him, meaning some day I would need to tell him.
I refused to go to school, managing to take my courses online and whatnot. It felt better that way for me anyway, not having anyone ridicule me, I had enough of that already. If my parents had known that I was pregnant, they'd murder me and throw my corpse over a cliff. Especially since they would assume Harry was the father, from which they would be disgusted and disappointed all at once, not knowing that I was being a complete whore and sleeping around with other guys while intoxicated.. Glad they're gone.
--
He barges in the house, immediately making his way upstairs. I follow him up, puzzled. He stomps into Harry's room, then stops and looks around.
"Um.. what the hell are you doing here? Can't you knock?" I ask Niall, standing at the doorway.
He looked messy, as if he had just woken up and slapped on a t-shirt and some random jeans. His hair wasn't as nice as he usually had fixed it, it was all over the place.
"Do you know where it is?"
He lifts the mattress, angrily throwing it aside against a shelf, causing everything to fall and scatter all over the floor.
"What are you talking about?"
He ignores my question again, continuing to rummage through Harry's belongings. I walk over to him and grab his arm, tugging him roughly to face me. He pulls away and slightly pushes me off of him.
"He said it'd fuckin' be in here, and it's not! Fuckin' hell man!"
"For fucks sake, what is it?"
"A tape, it's a fucking tape, Bo. Happen to see one around here?"
Before I could answer, he interrupts again.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. It's none of your business, anyway. Nothing you need to see."
Without another word, he starts to walk out of Harry's room.
"Aren't you gonna clean this shit up?"
"Not my room."
I follow him out, downstairs. He stops at the front door and turns around, looking at me.
"How's the pregnant life?" he asks. I could tell in his tone, he couldn't care less. He was just trying to act like he did.
"I'm fine.. Ready to deliver any moment now."
"Sounds cool." He runs his fingers through his dirty blonde hair, as if that would make it look any better.
"What's with that tape? What's on it that's so important?"
"Nothing. If you see it, you tell me immediately. Don't fuckin' watch it, don't be a reckless idiot, Bo. When you find it, hand it over the second you get it." And with that, he opens the door and walks out.
If it wasn't important, he wouldn't want it so badly. It couldn't possibly be so horrible, he wouldn't want me to see it. I mean, come on, it's a tape.
It made me think of Harry, and what he was doing at the moment. It wouldn't be a surprise if he were passed out on a pile of beer cans somewhere down an alley. But something told me he was going insane, rather than drinking alone, I felt as if he was probably out trying out new drugs and ecstasies. He was a mess whenever he wasn't home for the longest time. Our parents didn't care whatsoever, this place was dysfunctional, so was our family. I felt alone in this home, not having Harry around to keep me in his arms.
I knew what I said was harsh, I only said it because I was angry. It was unintentional and I needed him to know that no matter what, I needed him here with me. At least to get through these days where I can't even control my hormones.
--
I spent the next few days in pain, I knew what was coming and I knew I needed to be at the hospital. What tore me apart was the fact that Harry wasn't gonna be here to witness it. Even if I didn't know if it was his, I needed to know if he truly cared that my baby was about to be born.
The pain was excruciatingly horrid, the only thing I could do was grasp onto anything ever so tightly, I felt like I would eventually break my fingers. I had no idea I would feel like this, and I couldn't stand it. I wasn't going to use any drugs, nothing that could hurt the baby or put me to sleep. I wanted this to be natural, no matter how much pain I would be in. This day came faster than I thought it would. I was just happy that after all this was going to be over, I'd have my body back.. Hopefully. And I wouldn't have to worry about carrying another human being for this long.
But even though I didn't want to drug my baby, and help the pain lessen, I gave in and they finally gave me something.
I lie there, staring at the television. The room was awfully quiet, and I hated it. I wanted it to be filled with at least all of my friends. Maybe even 2. This was stupid.
Somebody knocks on the door just a minute later, and I was surprised with the effort he made to come. In all my years, I never thought I'd ever see Louis here. What was he doing here anyway?
"Heard about you coming here," he says, walking over to me.
"From who? You're the only one here."
"Well, that may be the case, but I happened to hear from one of the nurses I know that works here. Told me you checked in and that you're almost ready."
"I'm tired," I tell him, rubbing my face with my hands.
"Where are the lads? Niall? Zay--"
"I'm here, I'm here!" Zayn shouts as he runs in, panting.
"I just love how you guys are here, but Harry isn't."
"Oh, the baby daddy?" Zayn asks, sitting down next to Louis on the chairs near the wall. "When Louis called me, I called Harry and left him a message.. Mate seems to have his phone off. Niall should be here in a bit, and Ashton as well."
"Oh great.." I say, huffing.
"What? You're not happy to see ol' Harold?" Louis asks.
They were acting different, almost nicer. Well, Louis was different. Zayn was always quiet, sweet. Louis was acting weird, much nicer and sympathetic.
"I haven't seen him in a very long time.. Throughout almost the entire pregnancy."
"Ah, I heard he was, like, out traveling. But people talk shit, I don't think he has the guts to leave you here by yourself-"
"But he did anyway." I interrupt.
Just then, Niall walks in with Ashton, Luke and Lacy.
"Well it seems we have mostly men in here," Lacy comments, glancing at everyone. "I wouldn't mind riding a couple of handsome men at a hospital."
"Oh, you're disgusting," I say, cringing. "They're far too young for you."
"How are you feeling?" Ashton asks me, slightly leaning down to kiss my cheek.
"I'm fine. A little drowsy, but the medicine helps with the pain, I guess. Any word from Harry?"
"Zayn said he called him, and he didn't answer," Niall responds for Ashton. "We need to leave it at that right now. Quit worrying about him, he's fine."
"Oh, fuck you, Niall. Quit it with your 5th grade jealousy act, I don't give a fuck if he's fine, I just think he needs to be here."
Niall shrugs, then sits back on the couch under the TV, slumping back with his legs partly open. Ashton and Luke sit next to him, and Lacy sits on the arm of the couch.
They all talked loudly amongst each other, laughing and smiling. I could feel the pain slowly sneaking back up on me, sharp pains that felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. I could barely say anything when they asked me questions, the pain was consuming and they immediately called a doctor.
The doctor spread my legs, checking me out. I think I heard him say I was ready to start, and I could hear him sending everyone out. They all walk out, waiting outside the door. The doctor calls in nurses to assist.
Everything was moving way too fast, they told me to push and once I was doing so, the pain was 10 times worse than before. I could think about nothing else than to push this baby out of me, and get over with it.
I had been arguing with myself, finally settling on a decision in which I would give my baby up for an open adoption. They could send pictures to me, videos, keep me updated with my baby. It was a final decision, and I hadn't told anybody at all. I knew that they would all yell at me, trying to convince me to keep it. But there was no turning back, papers were signed. I had met the parents a couple of months back, they were sweet. Two people that could take better care of my baby than I would, being alone.
"It's my fuckin' baby, let me in!" a familiar voice shouts from outside the door right before he barges in, pausing as he sees me screaming in pain.
"Sir, you need to le--"
"No, no, I'm the father, I need to be here!"
He runs to my side, grabbing my hand. His palm was sweaty, he was like me now, sweaty and a mess. He was probably running.
"Two more, you can do it!"
No matter how much anger I felt towards Harry for leaving me, I could not be any happier that he made it and that he was here with me. And before I knew it, I was finished pushing, listening to the cry of the newborn.
"It's a boy- oh, my god- it's a boy!" Harry screamed as tears ran down his face, we watched them wrap him up in cloth, cleaning him up, and then bringing him over to me.
"Congratulations," the doctor says to me. The nurses smile at us, cleaning up everything, and before I knew it, they were already outside, and everyone rushed inside.
Harry wasn't himself. He seemed almost so broken as he held the baby, I had never seen him cry so much.. Ever. He wasn't the type to cry over things like this.
"Here you go," Niall says, handing me a white rag to clean the sweat from my face up.
Relief washed over me, and I almost felt at peace for once. I had everybody here, but not only that, I was finally done being.. Well, pregnant. I wanted to finish school and actually make something of my life. But I knew after I told them that I was giving the baby over to two strangers, they would flip out. And so would Harry. I almost felt ill knowing that I had to break the news to them.
"Hi, Andy," Harry says as he gently ran his knuckle over his cheek.
Great.. He already named him, after I had promised the couple I would let them name him. I didn't want Harry to get too attached. I needed to tell him he wasn't going to be ours.
"That's a great name, actually," Lacy comments.
"You like it?" Harry inquires, staring at me. He hadn't changed much, only a bit taller. His style was the same, and so was his hair. He was acting like he had never left in the first place.
"I- I.. I think it'd be best if I told you guys the news now, rather than later.. I just...."
They all stood there, waiting for me to tell them. Harry stood up, slightly rocking his arms.
I sighed, and I began to feel a burn in my chest, and my throat. A tear rolled down my cheek. How could I ever say this to Harry? Yes, he wasn't here for me. But he already created a bond between him and Kian. It was hard to even talk in front of him.
"I signed papers, and it's sort of official.. Andy won't be ours. I met this couple, they promised they'd take good care of him, and--"
"You what?!" Harry's tone was harsh, loud.
"Let me, uh.." Ashton grabs Andy in his arms, taking him out, along with everyone else, leaving Harry and I.
"You couldn't have at least fucking told me? Don't you think I get a say in this?"
"Harry, you weren't there to make any decisions! I did it because I know I can't give Andy a nice life like that couple promised. I need to get a life, continue with school and get a degree. If you hadn't left--"
"If you hadn't told me to get out of your life, you mean."
I couldn't say anything else to him. And even though he was furious, he didn't leave the room. He just sat on the couch, face buried in his hands without saying another word. I did feel guilty, but it was what I needed to do.
--
Almost immediately, I knew maybe it was a wrong decision. But there was no turning back, and I had already promised this couple they'd be able to see their newborn today.
I knew this wasn't easy for Harry, having to give his child to complete strangers, although I did manage to interview them, and get to know a little bit about them, I felt as though they really were strangers either way. I could never imagine how Harry must feel.
He cradles Andy in his lean arms, gently caressing his cheek. The surprising part was he looked nothing like me, mainly Harry. I thought he'd at least have my hair color, but he looked exactly like Harry did when he was a baby, as I've seen from old pictures. I wondered if he would look just like him as he got older.
But on the other hand, I did want to experience his first steps, his word word, the moment he begins walking. I wanted to be able to be the first witness, and I knew Harry did as well. I always thought he wasn't father material, but from what I've seen so far, he's been sweet to him, he's been holding him like he should, talking to him even though he was aware Andy couldn't understand. I found the softer side of Harry, and it was adorable. But I felt like once Andy leaves, Harry's going to leave as well. And I needed him, as much as it killed me to say such a thing because he left me, I did need him to be here.
Everything was going by so quickly, the only thing I could remember was letting her hold him, then the next thing I knew, he was gone. I wasn't present in the moment, and neither was Harry. I saw the look on his face, like he was hurt and there was nothing we could ever do. A promise was a promise. Now comes the hard part.
-
"Jeez, calm down and slow your roll with the talking, Harry," I joke, hoping to get at least a chuckle from him.
He sat there, staring at his phone. He was completely unaffected. I grab his phone and set it down next to me, forcing him to pay attention to me.
"Just please say something. I'm dying here.."
He looks at me, then places his large hands on his face, sighing deeply. This was more than just depressing. Now that I have him back, I can't get a single word out of him, not even a laugh.
I lean forward and grab his left hand, holding it. He sets down his other hand and looks at me quizzically.
"You can't still be mad at me, Harry. I just wanted us to have a fun time with our friends but I can't do that when you're over here, pouting like a 5 year old."
"I'm not mad at you," he finally says. It was a relief to hear his voice again.
"Then what is it?"
"I just.. I wanted to know what it felt like to be a dad for once. You know? Breaks my fucking heart that you did such a thing but what's done is done, and I know I can't take him back but I.. I don't even know."
"I understand but Harry.. Keep in mind that we're young. We have lives to live and stuff to accomplish, we can't be stuck with a child."
"Easy for you to say, huh? You made the deal, but did you ever stop to think about what I thought?"
"Don't do that to me. I had no idea you were even going to show up, I mean, you were gone for so long, I was questioning the fact that you could still be alive or not. You weren't there, therefore it was my decision to be made. You had no say."
"I'm sorry," he says, biting his lip.
"I want us to get back to school and finish these couple of years so we can graduate."
"Are you sure you want to do that?"
"Positive," I answer. "Now, please, don't be a loner and come bowl with us. It's not as much fun when I can't hear you making lame comments."
He chuckles, shaking his head. That was the smile I've been wanting to see. I couldn't continue to be angry with him for not being present during my pregnancy, as long as he was here now.
-
I knew that Harry was longing to hold Andy in his arms. I knew how he felt, the feeling was definitely mutual, but I couldn't shake the relief I felt. And I didn't want to. This was the right thing to do, and at least we'd still get to see him grow through pictures and videos. They lived at least a couple of hours away, far from where we were. It was best anyway.
"What happened to my room anyway?" Harry asks, shutting the door behind him after I walk in before him. He grabs the side of the mattress, placing it back on the bed frame, then fixing his sheets and pillows.
"Uh, Niall came in here."
"Oh, really?" He looks at me, walking closer to me. "For what?"
"Said something about a disk or tape that he needed.. He said I shouldn't worry about it. But what is it, anyway? Can't be that serious."
"Shit," he mumbles. "It's nothing, Bo. Don't worry about it.."
"You can't even tell me?"
"Can you help me around here? He made a big fuckin' mess."
"Why are you ignoring me?"
He picks up his clothes from the floor and stuffs them in his drawer, turning his back on me.
"Harry, seriously?" I walk up to him and put my hands on his waist, turning him around to face me. He looks down at me.
"I need you." He moves my hands from his waist, then places his on my hips, pulling my body closer to his, leaving no space between us.
"Harry, no.."
"It's amazing how fit you still are.. You still have those amazing curves and beautiful little waist. God, I need you, Bo."
He moves his hands down to my bum, squeezing gently, causing me to gasp.
"I don't think we should do this right now--"
"How about we do what I want for once? Listen to me and do what I say." He pushes me slowly towards the end of the bed, forcing me to sit down and lie back.
He unbuttons my jeans slowly, pulling them down even slower, kissing my thighs, and all the way down to my knees. He bites the hem of my underwear gently, then pulls back and lets it bounce back to my skin. He caresses my inner thighs with his large hand, then moves himself back up to my face, hovering over me with his arms on either side of my head.
Before I can say anything, he reaches down and unbuckles his belt, then zips down his jeans and peels them off, then he slides my underwear off, throwing them to the side.
He grabs my thighs and spreads them, pulling me closer to the edge of the bed.
"Fuck, it's hot in here." He pulls his shirt over his head and throws it across the room, looking down at me.
"Harr--"
He slides his member inside of me rapidly, throwing his head back. He leans down and begins thrusting slowly, mumbling profanities into my neck as he moves his hips.
I could never explain how much pleasure I felt everytime he touched me, every little move he made sent me closer and closer towards the edge. I could lie here in bed with him all day and night and still want him to be touching me.
But the entire time I couldn't concentrate fully on what was going on at the moment. Harry and I needed to talk things out.
He and I had something to hide. Whether or not the tape was serious, he wouldn't tell me and I was determined to find out myself. But I was hiding something as well.
We both had our dirty secrets.