Confession by Ceebz
My name is Ceebz. That's my real nickname. I don't want to hide my name 'cause I don't think I have anything to hide. My life is an open book to my friends-and those who personally knows me, and I am not ashamed naman to express myself, my sensuality and sexuality.
I'm a flirt. I know that. I'm a playgirl. I know that too. I'm an independent woman with a playful side. I know what I want, I say what I want and I get what I want-but only if possible. Marami pa ring mga lalaki na nagdaan sa akin na hindi makapaniwala na ganun ako ka-liberated; from whom they can come to fuck and leave without hang-ups and too much drama. Marami rin sa mga dati kong kaibigan ang very judgmental sa personality ko, using derogatory words such as "easy," "whore," and "pok-pok" to describe me. Ang sa akin naman... pakialam ba nila sa akin? For as long as hindi naman ako pumapatol sa may mga sabit, may asawa, may karelasyon at ka-buddy, they don't have the right to judge me.
I love sex, and I know I'm good at it. Pero hindi naman ako basta-basta pumapatol kung kani-kanino. May standard naman ako kahit pa'no. I'm easily turned-on sa mga lalaking g'wapo pero brusko na may pagka-bastos. Ewan ko ba, kanya-kanya lang talaga siguro ng trip ang mga tao. Type ko rin 'yung mga tipo bang tila may galit at frustration sa mundo, dahil usually, 'yung mga ganun ang super wild sa kama. Natatawa ka siguro, but that's true. Type ko rin 'yung mga lalaking tila walang kahihiyan lalo na pagdating sa sex. Just like the guy I had sex with sa gitna mismo ng isang party habang nagchi-cheer ang mga tao. You got it right. It was like a live sex, only that we still had our clothes on. Well, the guy was actually not just a guy... he was my college boyfriend na s'yang nakauna sa akin. He was so wild and shameless kaya siguro ako nagkaganito. But the problem with that asshole, naging artista lang, nagbago na. Nakahanap lang ng mas magagandang mayayari n'ya, ipinagpalit na n'ya ako nang tuluyan. But I'm not going to tell you who he is. Wild man ako at maldita, hindi naman ako ganun kasama para mangwasak ng career kahit sobrang nasaktan talaga ako sa ginawa n'ya sa akin.
After that heartbreak, I kind of lost myself for a while. I felt so unloved and unwanted kaya medyo nagoyo ako nung biyudong professor kong babaero. Alam kong babaero s'ya kasi hindi lang ako ang karelasyon n'ya. As far as I know, he was also flirting with his colleague-na may asawa. And I kind of saw them kissing in his car one time, but I did not bother to confront him regarding that dahil hindi rin naman ako seryoso sa kanya. Basta ang sa 'kin lang no'n, I just want to feel I still exist and alive, and I guess I just have to admit na kahit hindi kasing intense ng ex ko ang actual intercourse with him, the old guy, who was around 15 years older than me, was really an excellent licker. Nahinto na lang kami when I graduated from college.
After graduation, nagtrabaho akong P.A. sa isang T.V. station. Medyo nakaka-recover na ako sa first heartbreak ko that time kaya I went out with guys na type ko talaga. But the problem I usually encountered was, the sex was bad. Sorry kung makaabot man sa kanila 'to, but that was the truth. Sex na walang thrill, shoot agad walang foreplay, kung may licking man it was horrible. May isa, kahit kingky, at ginawa namin sa isang high-end hotel, I just couldn't get the big "O." Siguro kasi, I felt awkward because my sex partner was kind of trying too hard to please me. It's kind of nice for a guy to do everything he could to make me happy kaya kahit hindi ko talaga na-enjoy, I faked my orgasm. I feigned my excitement and I practically pretended I was in cloud nine. I know it was bad to lie but I just don't want to hurt his feelings.
Sad to say, I was in an out of relationships-with horrible sex, for a couple of years more before I left the Philippines for Canada. I am still a member of an editorial group when I met my first Canadian boyfriend. Nakilala ko s'ya sa welcome party para sa akin, bilang barkada ng elder brother ko. According to him, it was love at first sight, though para sa akin, it was actually love at first sex. As I've said, I've been in relationship with horrible sex partners before him kaya, he was an "a" okey na para sa akin kahit na, ang totoo, it wasn't really perfect. I guess I just like the fact that he was a foreigner; a tall guy with a big D, and has fulfilled my fantasies of having sex in the strangest places. The relationship was short lived though, dahil nag-break din kami after three months because of a "certain" incident na hindi ko inaasahan.
During that time kasi, I am kind of having too much fun flirting with my co-editors online. Sa akin, biro-biro lang naman talaga ang pag-flirt ko sa kanila dahil para ko na silang mga kapatid. In the process, hindi ko alam na, siniryoso pala nung isa na gusto kong makipag-date sa kanya. Well, I'm not going to lie. Type ko s'ya. Guwapo, mestiso, matalino, sexy at mayaman. Madalas ko nga s'yang tuksuhin na "drawing" lang dahil parang sa mga nobela lang nababasa na may ganung klaseng lalakeng nag-e-exist sa mundo. Ang hindi ko lang mapaniwalaan eh 'yung part na magugustuhan din n'ya ako, at 'yung tipo bang lumipad pa siya mula sa Amerika papunta sa Canada para lang surpresahin ako.
It was a one of the major shockers of my life. Akala ko, kausap ko lang s'ya sa FB messenger. Nilalandi-landi ko pa s'ya at binibiro nang medyo green in the presence of our friends online. Sabi ko pa... "Halika ka na 'Ling, let's fuck na kasi." Nagtatawanan pa 'yung iba kong mga co-editors sa paglalandi ko kay...tawagin na lang natin s'ya na si Mr. X. "Basta ba you'll fuck me good ha? Magaling ka ba naman? Baka naman antukin ako sa 'yo ha?" pahabol ko pa. Kapipindot ko pa lang ng "send" button nang tumunog ang doorbell ko. Kasabay 'yun ng message ni Mr. X sa akin na... "Oo ba, pero pagbuksan mo muna ako ang pinto."
Kinabahan ako at napatingin sa pinto. Gamit ko ang cellphone ko kaya sumagot pa ako sa chat habang lumalapit ako sa pinto. "Ang tanong, mapapa-ungol mo ba naman ako ng toot-toot mo?" And then he replied, "There's only one way to find out. Open the door please. Malamig dito sa labas." Lalo akong kinabahan dahil winter time 'yun, though a part of me says he was just bluffing. Alam naman kasi sa buong mundo na winter dito sa Canada that time kaya sabi ko, baka binibiro lang ako. Muling may nag-doorbell. I was thinking baka kuya ko lang 'yun kaya I opened the door. But then...there stood the tall and handsome Mr. X. Bundled up in his winter jacket; carrying a trolley bag.
"X?" I was in great shock kaya hindi ako nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko.
Ang Mahaderong Bastos, nginisian lang ako. Itinapon n'ya ang bag n'ya sa loob at basta na lang akong sinunggaban at hinalikan sa bibig before he slammed the door shut. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa nangyayari kaya nataranta ako. I was only wearing my pajamas and have not taken a bath yet kaya I was in awe 'cause he did not even care. I've never seen a guy undressed himself that quickly kaya parang tangengot lang ako na nakatulala sa kanyang ginagawa.
"Hoy!" Nakangising wika sa akin ni Mr. X. "Maghuhubad ka ba o ako pa ang maghuhubad sa 'yo?"
I was seriously still in shock kaya lutang na lutang ako. Pero matapos n'yang maibuyangyang ang katakam-takam niyang katawan, hinila n'ya ang strap ng tank top ko at hinaklit 'yun. I was not wearing any bra kaya bumuyangyang agad sa kanya ang mga papaya ko. He bit his lower lip.
"Anong trip mo, kunyari, nire-rape kita?" He cupped my breasts and gently squeezed them.
I don't know what I was thinking nang tumango ako; still mesmerized by his intimidating steamy presence.
"E di ok." He pushed me; I fell sitting on a beany bag. Pumalag ako when he knelt down para sirain ang pajama ko.
"Wag!" Sabi ko, "Favorite pj ko 'yan, ako na lang ang maghuhubad." I removed my pajama pero natira pa rin ang lacey panty ko; 'yun ang hinaklit n'ya kaya nasira.
He was strong and wild. Gustuhin ko muna sanang maghugas ng "peksman" ko bago ang lahat pero wala na akong nagawa when he abruptly spread my legs and just fucking licked my pussy real good. He's so hot in his clean haircut. Suot pa n'ya ang dog tag n'ya sa U.S. Army kaya sobrang on na on ako sa kanya. Wala akong mahagip na buhok sa ulo n'ya. Hindi ko s'ya masabunutan kaya inginudngod ko talaga ng todo ang ulo n'ya.
"Fuck you, X!" Sigaw ko. "Shit ka!" Akala ko hihimatayin ako sa bawat paghagod ng dila n'ya.
Tumunghay s'ya at ngumisi sa akin. He's a certified, true blue, bad boy kaya kinilig talaga ako. "Fuck you too." Sabi n'ya, "And I'm going to fuck you real hard, you'll see." He gave me the best pussy lick I can ever recall. I seem to have endless orgasms na halos magdilim na ang paningin ko sa sobrang intense ng nararamdaman ko. His tongue and his mouth moved so perfectly na parang nakikipag-french kiss s'ya sa bibig ko sa ibaba. Mabuti na lang talaga, I constantly shave kaya kitang-kita ko ang detalye ng ginagawa n'ya sa akin.
"My G-d! X!" I screamed when he began to finger fuck me with his right index finger; he was still licking me. "Shit, X ang sarap shit...shit ka!" I screamed like a wild woman na wala na akong pakialam sa kapitbahay. "Tangina dude, ang bastos mo hayup ka!" I moaned, just to free up some pressure in my chest. Binunot kasi n'ya 'yung finger n'ya and slowely sucked it right in front of me. He's was smirking at me like a devil while he positioned himself kneeling right between my thighs. Kinakabahan man ako pero mas nangibabaw 'yung excitement ng pakiramdam n'ya sa loob ko.
"Fuck you, Ceebz!" Hinagip n'ya ang likod ng buhok ko. Sinabunutan n'ya ako nang bahagya habang ipinapasok n'ya ang kanyang jumbo jet sa aking spacecraft.
"Tangna, X! Sandali nga, masakit..." But it was too late. Nakapasok na s'ya nang todong-todo sa loob ko. It was a little painful dahil bukod sa malaki ang sukat n'ya, sobrang tigas nito... yung tigas na tila hindi na normal. Tigas na parang batuta.
"Bakit, virgin ka pa ba?" Humalakhak ang Mahaderong Bastos.
"Siraulo, alanganin kasi ang position ko eh."
"Shut up, sasarap din yan." He bawled before he stuck his tongue inside my mouth.
Call me weird, pero I actually like the fact na tila wala s'yang pakialam na nasasaktan ako. He just fucked me in constant speed and intensity. He was strong and physically fit kaya daig ko pa ang nakikipagtalik sa bato. Hindi s'ya maskulado pero very firm naman ang bicepts, abs and chest areas n'ya. Kaya dinaig ko pa ang leading lady as isang nobelang niyayari ng isang hunky main character.
He was right. It wasn't for a very long time when I found myself going crazy, longing for his huge dick to destroy me. We are in the middle of snowy city, yet there we are, all naked, soaking in our own sweat and intense lust for each other.
"Totoo palang sexy ka ha. Uuhhh." An'ya, amidst his consistent thrusts. "Shit Ceebz...tangina sulit ang biyahe ko sa 'yo ah!"
I bit my lower lip and winked at him. He smirked at me before he thrusted even harder. Napasigaw ako. It was the best feeling ever. Sandaling nalunod pa ako sa sarili kong laway as I approached my nth orgasm.
"Wait for me..." He was panting. He knew I already came. "I'm cumming, bitch. Wait for me bitch!" He roared like a wild boar. "Sa loob ko papuputukin ha?"
"Wait, hindi ako safe!" Sigaw ko.
"Shit!" Parang wala s'yang narinig.
"X, I'm not safe!" Muli kong sigaw.
"I heard you." Nakatingala s'ya at nakapikit. "Here I come!" He did two more forceful thrusts before he withdrew and exploded right on my lower abdomen.
"Wouw! Seriously?" Napanganga ako sa dami ng lumabas sa kanya.
"What?" With his usual smirk, "Hinugot ko naman ah!"
Humalakhak ako, "Jusko, sa dami n'yan siguradong buntis ako kung nagkataon!"
Humalakhak din s'ya. "Sorry, wala akong baong rubber. Ayoko kasi no'n. Gusto ko natural."
Tumayo ko, sinapo ko ang puson ko para dumiretso sa banyo. Sinundan naman n'ya ako sa loob.
"How long are you gonna stay here?" Tanong ko. I was already in the shower.
"How long are you going to take me in?" Sinundan n'ya ako sa shower at niyakap mula sa likod.
"Wala ka bang work?"
"I'm the boss, remember?" He kissed the back of my neck.
I suddenly remembered that he actually owned his medium-sized business in the US.
"Dammit, X, ano bang ginagawa mo rito?" Humalakhak ako. "Akala ko talaga nagbibiruan lang tayo sa chatroom. Gago ka, na shock ako!"
"Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, ayoko nang binibiro ako. Makulit ka. Nilandi mo ako nang nilandi. Magdusa ka. You will have to take me in until we get tired of fucking each other."
Humalakhak kami pareho. "Too bad, hindi ako si Y." Si Y 'yung true love n'ya na common friend namin. But she's already married, which is part of his frustrations in life.
"Iba ka, iba s'ya."
Tumawa ako, though medyo kinabahan sa comparison. "P-paanong iba?"
"'Yung kanya pink." Hinawakan n'ya ang magkabilang dibdib ko at pinisil-pisil, "'Yung sa 'yo...pink din." Humalakhak s'ya. "Pasupsop nga..."
Tinampal ko s'ya sa hita. "Ang bastos mo, lamo 'yun? Di nga... ano ang pagkakaiba namin ni Y?"
"'Yung sa kanya, lasang fruit salad," Kinapa n'ya ang pagkababae ko. "Yung sa 'yo, halo-halo special na leche flan sa ibabaw. Gush Ceebz, let's do it one more time, please." He bit my right ear as he rubbed my womanhood. "Tangina Ceebz ang mahal mo namang ka-sex, tawid bansa ako ah!"
Nagtawanan kami. Nakakatawa kasi 'yung pagkasabi n'ya.
"Oh di dapat kay Y ka na nagpunta para tawid state lang." Tanong ko. For some reason, curious talaga ako sa kung ano pa ang nararamdaman n'ya kay Y. Hindi s'ya sumagot. Hinahalik-halikan lang n'ya ang leeg at balikat ko. "'Ano pang pagkakaiba namin? 'Yung seryoso?" Humarap na ako sa kanya at sinapo ang kanyang magkabilang pisngi.
Natahimik at natigilan s'ya sandali.
"Please stop asking." He looked down, na tila ba, bigla s'yang nalungkot. "You're here, she's not, you're mine, she's not. If we could please avoid the drama, I will definitely appreciate that." Tumingin na s'ya sa akin, "Can you please just enjoy me now without the drama? You want me, here I am. You want my body, take it. You want me dick? You can have it too. Call me anytime, kahit gaano kalayo, darating ako para sa 'yo. I'm yours... not hers, I hope that's enough... for now."
"O, wag ka namang magalit, para nagtatanong lang." Kinalabit ko s'ya sa tagiliran.
"I just don't want to fucking think about her at this moment. Can't we just enjoy each other? 'Yung tayo lang? Bakit ba tanong ka nang tanong tungkol sa taong wala naman dito?" I actually received the memo that he's kind of snappy at sobrang sungit, kaya walang tumatagal na sekretarya, karelasyon at kasambahay.
"O s'ya sorry na..." Niyakap ko na s'ya, "Hindi na po ako magtatanong." Kinuha ko ang kamay n'ya at ipinatong 'yun sa aking dibdib. "Gusto mo kamong sumupsop, supsop na..." Humahighik ako.
Ngumiti rin naman s'ya kaagad bago n'ya ako muling sinunggaban.
***
He stayed with me for at least three weeks. It was good kasi nasubukan namin kung kaya ba namin ang magsama sa iisang bubong. Within three weeks, wala namang naging problema bukod sa pagiging snappy n'ya, lalo na kapag may kausap s'ya sa phone at may ginagawa sa laptop to take care of his business online. Ayaw n'ya kasi nang naabala kahit na 'yung tipo bang aalukin ko lang siya ng kape, parang naiinis s'ya kapag iniistorbo ko s'ya. But the sex was as excellent as the first time, lalo na kapag medyo nagkakatampuhan kami. Masarap nga talaga kasi 'yung make-up sex, ewan ko kung bakit. Though madalas akong sumuko sa kanya dahil sa sobrang hilig n'ya at lakas ang resistensya. Sa kanya ko lang talaga naranasan ang sumuko sa sobrang pagod, to the point na, minsan nagpapanggap na lang akong tulog o lasing kaya hindi ako makaka-respond, pero bumabawi naman ako kapag nare-recover ko na ulit ang lakas ko.
I introduced him to my family three days before he left. He introduced himself to my folks as my fiance and even bought me a diamond ring to boot. Gustong-gusto s'ya ng family ko, magaling naman kasi s'yang makisama, at wala naman kaming naging problema the whole three weeks na binisita n'ya ako sa Canada. Nag-umpisa na lang ang problema when he went back to US. Naging sobrang busy kasi s'ya at halos wala nang oras para sumagot man lang kahit text o sa chat. Inintindi ko na lang dahil alam ko naman ang sitwasyon n'ya, until sumumpong 'yung pagiging isip-bata at demanding ko nang inaway ko s'ya. Nagalit ako sa kanya kasi nakalimutan n'ya akong tawagan o batiin man lang noong birthday ko.
We broke up. Sadly, on the phone lang dahil magkalayo kami. He was so angry-snappy as usual, at nagsigawan kami sa phone kaya halos hindi na kami magkarinigan. Two months na kaming break bago ko natanggap na hindi talaga nagwo-work ang long-distance relationship. At kung kailan natatanggap ko na, na wala na talaga kami, s'ya namang sugod ulit n'ya dito sa Canada para bawiin ako. S'yempre, mahal ko na s'ya kaya sumama na ako papuntang US.
I stayed in the US for a couple of weeks. Met his family na tinanggap naman ako. Pero nag-umpisa na naman ang pagtatalo namin when we began to talk about where I should stay. Sabi n'ya, dapat daw sa US, sabi ko naman, dapat sa Canada. Dumagdag pa 'yung Amerikanang lumalandi sa kanya-na nabalitaan kong-pinatulan pala n'ya, nung isang gabi na nag-away kami at tumangging makipag-sex sa kanya. For him, it was nothing. Sex lang daw 'yun, but for me, it's cheating kaya nakipaghiwalay ako at isinumpang hinding-hindi na ako makikipagseryosohan sa kanya.
Sa ngayon, we are technically separated as a couple because of our irreconcilable differences, though we still meet up, once in a while (he comes here to Canada, of course), but, as weird it may sound, only for...sex. At the moment, we are the stage where we both agree na, we can't stay together as a real couple dahil pareho kaming may strong personality, but we are sexually compatible kaya 'yun na lang muna ang pinanghahawakan namin sa ngayon. I admit na wala pang naka-satify sa akin sa kama ng tulad sa kanya, at ganun din naman ang sabi n'ya tungkol sa akin. At this point, we are 'Exes with benefits' kumbaga; No drama, no strings attached.
[END OF CONFESSION]
***
Author's Note
Ceebz and Mr. Mahaderong Bastos (Mr. X), though currently 'not an official couple', are both still open to the idea that they could still end up together at the very end of the tunnel, but only if both of them will mutually compromise to do their part, so they could settle their differences.
***
Editor's Note
Do you want DyslexicParanoia to retell your Untamed Confession in narrative form? You may send you confessions directly to her at dyslexicparanoia@gmail.com, on the SUBJECT please type UNTAMED CONFESSION. Be rest assured that your privacy will be protected. No part of your confession can be retold and published without your consent.