Woebegone – Bonus 1
O N E L A S T T I M E
Tracy
We were in the living room — just the two of us, Tristan and I. In fact, I was the one who called him to have a chat. We needed to talk about something very crucial — something that affected the entire family. My bloodshot eyes were fixed to his carefree ones. I was mad. I couldn't stand it any longer. No matter how much I screamed at him, my point wasn't getting noticed.
“Tristan, please!” I begged once more, clenching my fists on my sides. Every time the minutes passed, my frustration rose and temptations of filing a divorce were overwhelming me more and more. But I can't do that. Divorce? Ridiculous. Not when my family's blessed with four wonderful children. All the more I can't when Tina's going to have her college graduation in a few months. If I leave now, she'd be devastated; and not only her but also Tybalt, Travis, and especially Tiffany who just turned fifteen a few days ago.
“Tracy, don't worry,” he repeated his words over and over again. I shook my head in dismay, crossing my arms. He drew closer to me to give me a kiss, but I stepped backwards, outright rejecting it. What was he thinking? If kisses would solve everything, then there would be such thing as world peace.
“Don't worry?” I echoed his words sarcastically. “How can I simply pretend like the situation's okay when you're the one who's practically ruining everything?!” I scratched the sofa to the point that the fabric started to tear.
He placed his hand over mine, making my temper rise. He was not helping at all. When Tiffany started high school, at the same time, Tristan began to become obsessed with his newly found hobby, gambling. I despised it. He even had the nerve to quit his job as a manager before sticking himself to the casino twenty-four seven. That was why I wanted to talk to him. Our funds were getting lower and lower; and eventually, we'd be crawling in the streets! Some “example” to his children!
“I would appreciate it even the slightest if you'd just stop,” I spoke sternly, removing my hand from his and glared at him. “My efforts are being wasted.”
“But you could support everyone here!” he replied, slouching on the sofa. That was it. I couldn't stand it any longer. Immediately, I stood up and slapped him hard without hesitation. What does he think of me, a cash generator?! And his carefree attitude was pissing me off even more.
“If money did grow on trees, then you can put your lazy ass to work!” I screamed at him. I didn't want to swear, but at this time, I just couldn't help it. I could feel the heat in my head rising, making my face redder than before. But his, on the other hand, was just his natural shade. How can he be like this?! How can he act like nothing's wrong?!
“Then you can leave if you want!” he shouted back. “Just give me the money, and I'll take care of things.” In his perspective, I seemed to have crossed the line as well, since he stood up afterwards and started yelling at me. I tried to keep the language to a safer side, since the kids were upstairs, but in no time, I would completely lose control of myself.
Both of us exchanged tantrums and complaints. “Some father you are!” I yelled at him. “Oh how I feel bad for them for having a parent as irresponsible as you!”
“And how about you?!” he responded, rising from the sofa. “A ‘wife’ that doesn't understand her own husband! How about we just split? Maybe it's better that way!” When I heard those words from him, I felt as if my heart cracked. Somehow, it seemed like that to me at an angle.
Afterwards, we shoved and glared at each other. I could feel his agitation rubbing on me nonstop until we two were stopped by something, more of someone. At the same time, we looked at the two persons standing on the stairs when we heard the calm and gentle voice of our lovely daughter.
“Mommy...? Daddy...?” there she was, her eyes drenched with tears. And my two sons just arrived at the living room with puzzled faces. My eyes were fixed on Tybalt, Tristan's “apprentice-in-progress.” Of all my kids, I considered him to be the hardest one to raise, him being the child that always looked up to his father. If only he was a good example... But no. Since the day Tristan taught him how to hunt and handle weapons, the fear of Tybalt going berserk haunted me. But no matter how much I tried to persuade him to be less violent with his actions, my influence never reached him. Never.
“What's going on?” Tybalt was the first one who spoke. At the same time, we exchanged looks. He didn't look that happy, that was for sure. I could see him clenching his wrist, while waiting for someone to respond.
“Why are you fighting? Mommy...? Daddy...?” Tiffany broke the silence and walked down the stairs, leaving Tina behind. There was sadness in her eyes that made me feel inexplicably guilty.
Tristan wouldn't answer, so I was the one instead. “This... isn't your business...” I replied slowly. I never intended them to get involved; but the longer the problem dragged, the more inevitable it became. As I said those words, I shoved the bitterness under my throat. She's too young to understand the situation at present. Perhaps if someone explained to her, she'd misunderstand everything. I wouldn't want that to happen to my dearest Tiffany who was the only one whom I can still mold into the person I want her to be. Others were mature enough to make their own decisions; but when it came to her case, I wanted to be very sure she'll grow up well.
“Yes it is!” Tybalt scowled. From the way and tone he said it, he wanted to be involved — not to argue but be on Tristan's side. And that was what he did; he moved behind him, keeping his eyes fixed to mine. I didn't respond, since he was the one. “Why are you trying so hard to keep it a secret from everyone?” he asked me head on.
“Because...” I trailed off. Somehow I knew what to say, but words wouldn't come out of my mouth. They just seemed to float in my mind.
Tina drew closer to me and held my hand, “Mommy... You and Daddy aren't going to... right...?” I wished that I could say no, but the conditions at present were making me lean to the other choice. Even Tiffany was showing her pleading eyes.
“Mom?” Travis called to me, and I turned my view to him. I didn't know what's happening anymore. All their attention deviated to me instead of their father whom they should be questioning instead.
“Well, Tracy?” he spoke up to me, revealing a paper. It wasn't just any paper. It was the marriage divorce agreement. His signature was already on the bottom of the paper. He was waiting for mine, and I saw a pen on his other hand. It was like everyone's expecting me to sign it... I felt overwhelmed. As I reached for the pen, my hand was shaking violently. Deep inside, I never asked for this; butI had those moments again — those moment when that little voice in my head instructed me what to do. And this time, I followed what it whispered to me.
“Finished,” I said in a barely audible sound. I handed him both the documents and the pen. Tiffany was about to charge forward at me, but Tina restrained her tightly. Turning my back against them, I shed some tears before pulling the luggage under the sofa. That little voice told me to pack in advance. I just never expected that I'd really find its advice useful. Surprisingly, it was. The back door was just conveniently up ahead, so I didn't have to embarrass myself and show my face again.
I could hear Tiffany screaming so loudly to the point that her voice began giving out strength. For now, I regret nothing. Before I closed the door shut, I whispered, “I'm sorry...” Then I turned back to look at my family... one last time…
Before long, I found myself wandering around in a bustling city far away from home. Compared to the old surroundings that I’m accustomed to, this new place had more busyness and noise. I was lucky to have found a nearby inn to stay in for the next couple days. And in a few days’ time, I was able to work in a hospital not too far from the inn. The pay was a bit higher than my old job, but money was what I had in mind. I wanted my family. I missed them so much. I’d gladly offer all that I had for things money can’t buy, true happiness and blissful memories.
Unlike my old home, the more modern city’s skies displayed a large array of stars each night. Upon a shooting star, I wished that I could somehow fix my broken past... Missing Tina's graduation was already bad, and if I missed Travis's, I would feel even worse. It will be his high school graduation in a few weeks, and I wanted to support him as he goes to college… But how can I when we're far apart now?
During my stay, I met one of the kindest people I’ve ever encountered in my life. Her name was Cynthia Blaire. Approachable. Understanding. Compassionate. Patient. These words described her amazing personality and kind demeanor. In two weeks’ time, we became the best of friends. She understood every bit of sorrow I’ve been experiencing and offered me some advice. When I heard about going back home to visit them again, I hesitated before agreeing to it. It’s Tristan’s fault, that’s for sure. Why should it be the innocent who’s going to apologize?
I thought over it for quite a while and realized that it’s partially my fault as well. Besides, the four of them must be struggling so much right now without my guidance. I can’t help but let feelings of guilt overwhelm me. I trusted Tina to be responsible for them; but when it came to Tybalt, I started raising doubts of his capabilities. I wondered if they have adjusted to their new fully independent lives yet. “Yes? No? Maybe?” These questions circled in my questions day in and day out.
Why was I foolish enough to sign that cursed paper in the first place? I did those hasty actions because of rage... I wasn't even thinking straight. Those voices were telling me that it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was the right thing to do — in some angles, but overall, it was a bad decision — a stupid and ignorant decision. Even if I could meet them again, will they still accept me as their mother? What would Tina feel about a parent whom she looked up to the most? How about Tiffany? I bet that after crying so much for so many months, her heart must have cracked into two already... And I'm the one to blame... Even under these grim conditions, I hope Travis is still excelling in his studies with his goal in mind until now. I wouldn’t want to be the reason if ever he gave up.
Tybalt… though I spent time with him the least, I was hoping he was still doing fine. Was his father still his inspiration? He was the one whom I was concerned the most. If he became a criminal someday… I… No, I shouldn't be thinking of that. Positive thoughts, Tracy. Positive thoughts…
Eventually, I accepted Cynthia’s proposal and her idea of disguising like someone else. She’s the most memorable person I’ve met in my life, so I decided to use her name and her identity. Before summer reached its latter weeks, I packed all of my things and moved back to my old city. If the time will suffice, I might be able to catch Travis’s graduation. As I rode the train back home, her words lingered in my mind.
“You can do it, Tracy. Do it for me, for you, and for your family. I’ll miss you a lot. Don’t forget to call once you give me the good news of reunion! Best wishes to you.”
We’ll meet again, Cynthia… someday… somewhere… somehow…