Not much happened after. My father left for us to settle down and taste the news. My mother kept herself locked in her room, Penny sleeping on her bed. Alexander didn't seem to want another second in his home and left.
All that was once familiar seemed alien to me where I sat on my bed, straight, moving not if it wasn't for the occasional inhale.
My father was no stranger to drugs,I knew that. I never knew the reasons, I never asked. Figured it be pointless. The drugs were of the medicine kind, the one with prescriptions. Legal.
But he did too much, took too much, was gone too long.
But now, now it makes sense. Cancer must hurt. Who knew how long he has been in pain. And what other than drugs can relieve pain than the ones he took?
How long have I known his addiction? A year?
He has had cancer...for a year? How developed is it? I knew cancel was lethal if you didn't treat it.
My father didn't seem as he had. He had only numbed the pain, but not stopped.
Won't he? Doesn't he want it to stop? Is my father perhaps suicidal? What was his thoughts, his reasons, of keeping this a secret for so long?
It was a blur. My eyes watered, but it seemed the tears were unwilling to come. I wasn't shaking any more. Frankly, I wasn't feeling much. I was just very empty, and it was a blur again.
My father is dying.
It was like seeing black and white.
He has cancer.
Yet I see everything.
He doesn't have long.
But I am still blind.
Furiously, shaking inside with the confusion and anger, I stand up, rip a jacket off my drawer and walk out the room. My mother was now in the little dining area, looking at pictures.
I don't greet her. I don't even acknowledge her.
I head straight towards my shoes, pick them up, open the door and then I wait.
My mother says nothing. Do nothing. I am unsure whether she even breaths.
With no other relay, I go out and September for once is kind. He is kind and warm and he calms me with the slight chill that burns down my throat as I start to jog.
And then I run. Soon, I was sprinting down the road. Pushing myself further and further, until the burning I feel inside becomes physical. It starts on the legs, small fires that spread all over my body in a minute. My chest is aching, my legs are hurting, my back is stiff.
And I feel infinite as I stop, staring down the road.
I feel as if I will live forever. With this unexplainable anger, and hurt, and confusion, and emptiness. And so much more that I can't simply express in words alone. But maybe, maybe sounds.
I scream, and I thrash, and I give soundless sobs, but the tears they reject me, they won't come, they won't relieve me this pain.
I take my moment. Knowing I had a bit of change, I start to walk. I keep my face as stabile as possible when I walk into McDonalds. Through all this helplessness, I still craved food. And the though of a cheeseburger made me smile, even though the stretch on my facial skin felt alien.
But there, sitting with a few, was Nove. And Brandon.
Along with Drake.
Though I would've appreciated being alone, I was grateful. I grab the three burgers I had ordered and sat down on Nove's right.
"You didn't think you'd invite me if you were out having fun?" I ask him.
He looks at me oddly. "You're supposed to be grounded."
I remembered. Things were still a bit blurry. Anything related to my family seemed alien now.
I smile slightly. "Right."
"Hey, long time no see." A dark skinned kid said and I looked up. It was Xevi, a very kind sophomore. I greeted back, but somehow, it felt plastic. I was genuinely glad to see him, but I couldn't bring myself to express it.
"Yeah, how's it going?" I reply.
Xevi shrugs. "So and so, how's Jay doing?"
"He's good as far as I know."
Drake, sitting on the chair by Xevi, was staring at me. My stomach dropped by the way those grey blue eyes looked concerned.
I stare back, smiling. "Drake."
His familiar grin spreads, but the eyes held back a bit of the smugness. "Avery."
Chatter came back and I ate my burgers. I was content, but restless. I felt my skin prickle ever so often, and when I looked up Drake was already staring.
I shook the shudders away and, when Drake busied himself with a discussion, I leaned towards Nove.
"I thought you and Brandon despised Drake."
Nove snorts and puff his chest up. "I never said that."
"You told me you didn't like him. Something he had done in the past."
Nove stiffens. "Yeah, just something minor. But he's good, otherwise I wouldn't be here, would I? Don't worry."
My chest plummets until the sky by the words made taboo under the last hour.
Minor?
Don't worry?
After that I became wary of both Brandon and Nove, looking at the two as if they were the villains plotting something grand. And I'd sneak a look at Drake too.
Did he know what they knew about him?
Was he aware of their distaste towards him?
Did he care?
"Well, I gotta go." Xevi stands up and says goodbye. "Say hi to Jay for me."
I nod, smiling as I wave.
"Hey," Drake nudges me. "Join me outside for a minute."
Dazed by the sternness lining his face I stand. Nove looks at me and for a second there was the moment of irritation crossing his face. I frown, but then he looked like his goofy self and I questioned my sight for being bad and my mind poor judged.
I follow Drake outside and we settle us under the shelter of a big oak tree. Its branches hovered over our heads, the slight wind bending them. I curled my toes, missing the warmth inside the family restaurant.
I hesitate looking at him, wary of his gaze.
"I thought you'd stay away from him." There was damp coming out of his mouth and I wondered if it really was so cold.
I breathed slower.
"You said-"
"I find it ridiculous." I cut in, my eyes still looking down in cowardice. "To hate. I figured I'd be as I want others to be to me. And we're partners in this presentation. I want a good grade. So I dropped hating." For the faintest second I looked up. "That's all."
His eyes settled on mine, but then I averted them down again.
"And?" Drake pushed. "And now?"
I frown at the leafs on the pavement. "Now what?"
"You're not okay, are you?"
I inhaled slightly, but kept myself firm. My foot pushed a rock away, and it rolled to Drake. I stared at it for a few seconds.
"No."
Quietly Drake's foot kicked the rock back. "Want to talk?"
Did I? I wouldn't mind, but...would it hurt me again? I couldn't afford Drake to look at me as a weak, helpless little thing.
But a secret part of me did. It said it wanted someone to see how vulnerable I was right now.
I realized, I was craving for affection.
With no delay I put my hands around his neck before he could do or say anything to object.
I wrapped my fingers as in a prayer, pushing my chest onto his abdomen. He was wearing a jacket, but the heat was breaking through and I could feel it dance on my shirt and I could feel his breathing and I could smell the scent of soap and safety and shelter and all those comforting things.
And I was very, very grateful as he wrapped his arms around me as well, and whatever space there was disappeared and I felt very vulnerable, and very weak, and I was sad and angry, indifferent and lonely, but I was grateful and I was okay.
And for the first time I breathed out in relief.
This was familiar.
This was good.
This was safety.
And the tears came. Quietly they ran. I did not sob or scream or shake. But they came, the before resistant tears ran freely down my skin, staining Drake's jacket. But I didn't care.
I didn't care.
I didn't care.
"You're cold." Drake whispered.
"But I feel warm." I say, slight disbelieved. "I'm fuzzy."
I could feel a smile where his chin rested on the top of my head. "Nah. That's just what my manliness makes you feel."
And there was a bubble of laughter choking my throat. "Drake.."
And he didn't answer. He knew I wasn't wanting his attention. I said his name with relief.
Somehow, he knew.
"What happened?" He asks and I sink deeper into him, smothering my face.
"My..."
The words tasted metallic on my tongue and I wondered how they would be when I voiced them.
"Cancer." I finish, taking a short cut. "And...other stuff."
I could feel him. So I noticed the slight erratic breathing, but it went back to normal.
He didn't say anything, he didn't need to say anything, and I wished he wouldn't say anything.
He was quiet, but his grip on my waist tightened.
And I was grateful.
"Brandon," I chuckle. "And Nove knows something I don't."
This time Drake was awfully controlled with his breathing.
"Sure they do." He answers.
"And so does Awlon."
Drake nods.
"Am I missing something? May I know this big secret too?" It was meant to be a tease, but my voice seemed too stiff. "What happened? What'd you do?"
Drake lifts his head and I look up at those slick eyes that seems to have infinite knowledge in them. I almost squirm in shyness.
"Don't ask questions." He only says.
I nod, feeling fuzzy and blurred, but I nod because I understand. I know whatever it is, I won't like it.
And for now, for now I leave it be. I will prey later, but not now. Later.
We go back to the others and now somehow Cammie and Kaley were there, on either side of Brandon, both having serious masks on.
"Is she good?" Cammie asks. "In bed?"
"Is it the mystery? Is that why?" Kaley cuts in. "Spill, badboy, we want the details."
Brandon, looking sweaty and ready to sprint takes one look at me and that was all I needed to know.
They were interrogating him.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He defends himself, crossing his arms.
"Oh sure,' Bradshaw laughs. "You have absolutely no idea."
"Let us remind you, we know a lot, honey. It'd be wise of you to not underestimate our powers." Cammie has a foxy grin by now.
Brandon was squirming away. "Alright, Nove. I think it's getting late."
"What?" Nove smiles knowingly at him. "It's only five."
"We have soccer practice. Come on." Brandon shrugs his jacket on. "We'll be late."
"I don't play soccer." Nove continues, resting his head on his hand with a smile. "Or any sports."
Brandon shoots a death glare at his way before he leaves us.
Laughter erupted.
"Embarrassed much?" Kaley laughs.
"He's so in love he might as well tattoo it on his forehead." Cammie looks at Brandon's leaving figure.
I grab Nove by the arm. "Hey, can I spend the night at your place?"
Nove shrugs nonchalantly. "Don't see why not." But then his eyes narrows. "But you're grounded?"
"So?"
Suspicious crosses his face, but then he just smile. "Alright."
Without warning he stands up and look at the table occupied by Cammie, Kaley, Drake, Nove and then me.
"People, as much as I would love to stay, we are leaving. But on the good side, you are all invited to my place for a round of truth and dare."
Cammie squeaks excitedly, but Kaley just looks irritated.
"There are only three girls and one guy." She says.
Nove frowns. "Two you mean."
"Oh, honey, I'm talking about straight guys."
Nove chuckles. "Then I leave you to even the odd numbers. You probably have some in mind?"
Kaley look up in thought, and moments later she looks back with a mysterious smirk.
"Oh I do."
Soon I found myself in Nove's living-room. His parents were out and even if they were here, they wouldn't object. Heck, they'd join us. Bring booze as the awesome parents they are.
We were in a semi circle. I had Nove at my left and Kaley sat at my right. The first mentioned managed to bring Carl, a senior named Warren and someone playing Nove's team. They were currently talking in whispers, sneaking looks at each other and obviously teasing as the cuties they were.
Cammie clapped her hands together.
"Alright, this is how it goes." She slammed a plastic bottle down. "I'm going to spin this and whoever it points at starts. Okay?"
"This is childish. Can't we just drink?" Carl straighten his glasses.
"Now, now. You said you were down with it. Besides, does it hurt being a bit childish once awhile?" Nove looks at him sharply.
Carl shuts up, shrugging.
"Alright." Cammie spins the bottle and after a few tense moments it lands on Harry, Nove's team player.
"Ahem.." He scratches the back of his neck. "What now?"
"Choose." Nove nudges him.
Harry looks at him with a grin. "Alright. Truth or dare?"
"Truth," he purrs.
"If you were on a deserted and could have one thing, what would it be?"
"Lame!" Carl argues, leaning down on his back and sticking his arms under his head.
Nove doesn't pay him any attention. "A boat."
Harry blinked. "A boat?"
"Yes, a boat." Then Nove smiled. "So I could get to the other side where you are."
"Next!" Drake cuts in before anything PG could happen. He takes the bottle and throws it away. "Don't need that anymore."
Nove forces himself to look away and stares a bit sharply at Drake. But nevertheless, he continues the game.
"Kaley," his voice was a bore. "Truth or dare."
"Dare."
"Go kiss Warren." Nove returned to the conversation he had with Harry.
Kaley went with it and soon, she was cradling Carl under her.
"I said kiss, not rape!" Nove hiss.
"Oh shush," Kaley replies, bending down on the surprised victim below her.
I stand up, looking away from the two and strode to the grand kitchen, hunting down the fridge in the far corner. I wasn't even done screwing up the lid of the bottle of water in my hand when Drake put his hand on me.
"I'm okay." I tell him as if I mean it. "Really."
He doesn't say anything and removes his hand. I drink, struggling to keep my eyes from wandering at him.
I finish the bottle with a sigh, wiping my back hand from the escaping drops on my mouth.
Drake takes the empty bottle from me and throws it on the dustbin. I dare peeking my eyes up and as expected, those grey blue orbs were intently waiting for my own dull brown ones.
"What?" I snap, feeling embarrassed.
He cocks his head, frowning.
"What?" I repeat, shivering. "'Cause I had one moment of weakness you're going to act like my guardian or something?"
For a split second he closes his eyes. And then they open and soon, he was pressing me towards the fridge.
"No." He answers.
"No?" I pant, breathless by the sudden movement. He was lowering his head.
"No."
I didn't notice my shiver stopped. His familiar scent of soap and safety and familiarity was back again and I felt myself relax.
"No.." I say, relief. "Good."
He nods.
"Don't let anything be different. Don't tell anyone anything." I continue, this tips courageous as I look up, meeting his eyes head on. "I trust you."
"Is this the moment when we fall in love?" He asks, his usual snarky self emerging and I smiled by that.
I punched his hard chest. "You wish."
"Wishes come true." He singsongs, rocking side to side, taking his hands on my hips. Soon we were rocking in unison.
"I never thought big strong Avery was so fragile." He says, not as an insult, but a tease. He was being normal. And I appreciated more than I could ever possibly express into words.
I laugh, letting him tease. "Shocker, I know."
"Makes me think how many sides you have."
"Oh, there are many,"
"Fascinating."
I chuckle. We were dancing around now. A little waltz in the kitchen. Circling, laughing, teasing.
"So, Lawson," I call him by his middle name. "Don't you miss London?"
"Nope." He grins. "Got everything I need right here."
"Chevelry's your home town right?"
"Yeah."
"Any family here?"
Drake's eyes wavered. "No, they're in London."
"What, who do you live with?"
Drake's grin spread. "No one."
"No one?" I felt opportunities form in my head. "You live pretty close, right?"
"Why yes, Avy, anything on your mind?"
"We'll see." I laugh.
Nove, stumbling in with a J&D stumbles in, bottle up in the air. "Hey, we're out having fun while you're dancing? How gay."
I sigh.
Drunk Nove. Forgetting his sexuality for a moment.
"Yes, very, but we're coming now." I tell him, dragging Drake out.
I was feeling better by the moment.
I hope it will stay this way.
I really hope for that.