We drove in silence, but Steve's hand never left mine, and continued to give it reassuring squeezes the closer we got to Manhattan. My mind was still reeling with the information I'd received from Tony, and what lay ahead of us at home, but clung to my husband's words like a mantra.
Oh, I understood why Natasha did what she did, better than anyone, because of what I went through with Tony. The only difference was I had the strength to walk away, I had too for my own sanity. For Tony and I, it wasn't just because of his unyielding work ethic, but because I didn't have the rush of emotions, and thought there was something wrong with me, like I was missing something, some mechanism in my brain, unwilling to fall head over heels in love with Tony. I assumed I was broken, still suffering from the loss of my parents somehow, and didn't want to hurt him in the long run, but he was already hurting me.
I mean, I thought I was in love, but although the loneliness hit me hard, our relationship didn't mimic those flourishing bonds around us. It was as if we were more like friends, who occasionally slept together, and saw each other naked.
I never once blamed Tony for his nightmares and trauma, but in his resignation of our relationship, he never told me about the reasons he drove himself into the ground with work, my wellbeing being behind that drive, and now I was riddled with guilt and shame.
Cause once Steve came along, I began to understand what I was missing. The relationship between Steve and I was everything I wanted, everything I hoped for, when it came too loving someone and having them love you back, unconditionally.
After a few months of dating, Steve had no qualms telling me he loved me, and went out of his way to make sure I knew that. He called, texted, tried to spend whatever down time he had, in order for us to lay a foundation down, a foundation for a future we both wanted. I even marveled at the way my body responded to him, hell even his texts could send butterflies dive bombing in my stomach, and goosebumps prickling all over my skin. It was something I never experienced before, and Steve still had the power to do all those things, nothing had changed, even though we were working on our fourth year of marriage.
But with Tony... things were just different. He was an enigma, as well as my best friend, one of the few people who didn't question who I was or where I came from. He accepted me without those things, he was there when Phil began to fill in the missing pieces, and questions I later had about my parents and what they did. He was there for some of the nightmares, and my rage. In fact, it was one of those bad nights, and a glass of bourbon, that he kissed me, and we ended up in bed together, hoping this would be it, but our romantic relationship just wasn't what I needed from him. I needed more, regardless of his reasoning behind his work ethic.
Just as Bruce couldn't give to Tasha what she needed.
The only dire misgiving I had as we drove into Manhattan was what this whole revelation was going to do to our team, and what was going to happen between Tony and I.
I wanted nothing more than too comfort Tony, and let him explain, in depth, what he meant, especially after learning what he told Steve. He was my friend, and I didn't want to lose him, but as Manhattan drew closer, my heart beat with dread, knowing we, Tony and I may never recover from this revelation.
"Are you alright?" Steve asked, while the shining lights of Manhattan shined closer.
"I honestly don't know, I am, about you and me, but..," I answered truthfully, "I know why Red did what she did, I'm not exactly proud of the way she excuted her dalliance, but I understand, and sometimes things happen for a reason."
"That's not what I was talking about," he murmured, bringing my knuckles up to his lips.
I glanced at him, and took a deep breath, "Steve, I... I didn't know.. I love Tony, he's my person, my best friend, just like James is for you, but I just don't understand, after all this time. He never said anything, ever, even when I...even though I just talked to him about.. what we.. about you and I..I always do," I paused and looked back out the window, knowing Steve would probably be upset, but mostly thinking about all the times Tony helped me when I had questions or concerns about Steve and our relationship. He was happy that I was happy, and never said he was unhappy, especially once he settled down and started dating Pepper.
Although, the way Tony and I ended our romantic relationship wasn't exactly healthy, but after some time, we resumed our friendship as if nothing happened. I should of known then.
"Wait, I already knew the answer to this question, and tried to let it go, but you discussed your misgivings about our sex life, no you know what, that's not important, and it'll just piss me off," my husband growled, but took a deep breath and shook his head, "(y/n), you and I started dating not long after you and Tony broke up, I just think, he really didn't have time too.." he started to say, and while he tried to backtrack and hide his anger, he failed.
"It sounds like you're making excuses for Tony still being in love with your wife," I snapped, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, as our home just got closer, "and yes I talked to him, just like you talked too Bucky, or Sam, girls talk shop too," I added sharply, "and it's not like he didn't talk to me about his one nighters, or Pep.."
It was after midnight and cold, making the streets damn near empty, and eerie, which didn't help my decaying mood again, but apparently this was a discussion we needed to have, and we were going to have it.
"And that's neither here nor there Rogers. When I met you that day, in the ring, I knew then, you were the one for me, I knew it more so when I kissed you in the coffee shop...why the hell are we even talking about this when the problem is Tasha and Bucky?!" I barked, becoming more aggravated, and restless in the cab of Steve's truck.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, focusing on everything Steve and I had done this past weekend, and what we discussed just an hour earlier.
We had discovered new things about one another, we re-learned every line and crevice of each other's body's, pushed ourselves farther than we ever had before, only to crave more. We even discussed different things we could do, things I could do to show him just how much I trusted him with my body and soul, but the tension in the cab began to climb, and my exhausted brain quickly became overwrought with rage.
"Because what Tony said obviously upset you, no matter if we just made love in the cab of this truck, and what I told you," he muttered, letting go of my hand and parking the truck. Anger and tension radiated off his body, and his jaw clenched, as his hand tightened on the wheel.
"Of course I'm upset, how the hell else am I supposed to feel here Rogers, huh, how am I supposed to deal with the fact my oldest friend just admitted he still cared for me, and I don't want to hurt him," I muttered through clenched teeth, "you know what, we just spent a wonderful weekend together, so I'm hanging onto that with both hands, but you're about too really piss me off, you were fine when your dick was buried inside me, now all of a sudden you're mad cause I'm upset about Tony?!" I snapped, opening my door and jumping out of the cab.
"Hey wait a damn minute!" He declared behind me.
I shook my head and barged through our front door, seeing both Buck and Natasha quickly jump up, surprised.
"What....?" James asked, frowning as Steve slammed the door behind me.
"FRIDAY, contact Tony and let him know we need to have a meeting, we're discussing this tonight, and let Bruce know if he Hulk's out, I'll fucken kill him, is that understood?" I cursed, bypassing Nat's open mouth, and James's snort.
"May I remind you that the Hulk, cannot be killed, but I will relay your message," FRIDAY answered.
"What the hell's the matter with you?!" Steve barked, roughly grabbing my arm while I walked upstairs towards our bedroom, "have you lost your fucken mind?!"
"Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone just needs to calm down," Buck stuttered, looking between Steve and I, "is this about Nat and I, and did I just hear you curse, it sounded so natural?" He snickered, but quickly sobered when I turned my dark gaze on him.
"I think Rogers and I need to have a little discussion," Nat hummed behind me, "and by Rogers, I mean Winchester, let's go now."
"I reiterated your message to Mr. Stark, and he would like to speak with you and Captain Rogers now," FRIDAY interrupted, while Nat pushed me towards the hallway.
"Tell Tony to go fuck himself," I hissed, before Red pushed me into my bedroom, and slammed the door behind her.
I squared my shoulders and popped my neck, unable to catch my harsh breaths. I didn't know or understand why I was angry. I mean of course I was upset, hearing the pain in Tony's voice as we talked about our past.
After almost five years with Steve, and I just learned Tony still had feelings for me, and it hurt knowing I couldn't give him what he wanted. Everything I had belonged too that fucken blue eyed moron up front, but he had no right being angry at me for telling Tony things about our lives, or how I reacted once Tony told me.
My relationship with Tony was mine, and I didn't have to explain shit.
"Now, do you want to tell me what the hell's the matter with you?" Natasha huffed, pushing her long red hair off her face, "and it better be good, it's been a while since I've seen Steve this mad.."
"He told her what?!" Bucky mustered, watching Steve pace back and forth in their living room, "this has nothing to do with him or (y/n), or you, this is between Nat, Bruce and myself, what was the hell was he thinking?"
"Because (y/n) reiterated to Tony that Bruce was doing the same thing to Tasha as he did to her, alienating them from their lives. It was one of the reasons she left Tony in the first place, and (y/n) assumed, it's one of the reasons Tasha let your relationship get as far as it has, but he had no right to lay this on her, regardless his reasons, safety, protection, whatever..," Steve countered, trying to reel in his anger. He had no idea why he was so angry, or why his wife was angry. Well he knew why he was angry, but admitting it, was a different story.
He knew about Tony's feelings, and he accepted (y/n) went to him with everything, just as he did with Buck, and Sam, but knowing she had talked to Tony, her ex, who was still in love with her, about their sex lives was crossing a line, wasn't it?
Yes, yes it was, and he didn't care if he was being an ass. He wasn't to happy with Tony either because if he knew (y/n) at all, he'd know exactly what that information was going to do to her. What the hell did Tony expect her to do when he told her all that?
He shook his head, all he really wanted to do was hold her, and tell her everything was going to be okay, but as he met Buck's eyes, he had to finally admit he was jealous and maybe a little scared.
Jealous that Tony would admit something like that to his wife, along with jealous and scared that she was overwhelmingly upset over it, as if Tony's confession meant more to her than what happened between them this past weekend. He felt awful but it was there.
His jealousy was always there, a small tinge, but he trusted her, and strangely, he trusted Tony.
The only person who really knew about his small tinge of jealousy was Bucky, but he never let it get in the way of his relationship, at least in the past.
He, for one, knew how important friendship was, especially hers with Tony, but he couldn't help but wonder if her sadness meant something more, even after their small confessions this weekend, and that scared him.
Here he was, after having one of the best weekends of his entire life with the woman he loved beyond all reason and doubt, only to feel like he lost her a little bit, even though he didn't doubt her love for him.
"Okay, I'm still trying to figure something out here, so Tony told (y/n) what we all knew in the first place, which upset her, but her being upset is making you angry because?" James snickered, crossing his arms over his chest, "you think after a weekend full of sex, you'd be more relaxed, and less of an asshole."
"Shut up, you and Red are the reason we're in this goddamn mess," he snapped back, looking up the stairs once he heard his wife's raised voice, and a drawer slam shut.
"Pff, no one told you to make it worse," James laughed, rolling his eyes, "your wife's fucken scary, and if anyone could stand up to the Hulk, it's her, but that's not gonna happen, which means when this little fear laced jealousy episode comes to head, and you tell her, my money's on her putting your ass in the ground."
"Pff, she's already done it once, I have no doubt she can do it again," Steve remedied, smirking at the memory of when they had their first formal meeting.
"Yah, she did it to me too, but you need to step back and think about what you're doing," Buck encouraged, and nodded upstairs, "I've gathered enough to know how important Stark is too her, and Red's filled me in on their friendship, so the fact that you're pissed off because she just learned he never got over her, well kinda makes you look like an asshole.."
"I'm not comfortable with my wife confiding in a man who still loves her, about our sex life," Steve challenged, but nodded his head in agreement with Buck's previous statement, "and questioning his motives for telling her something like that at the moment when emotions are already running high.."
"Okay yah, that's a little weird, but you said you trusted him, and it's not like we don't all talk shop either, pfff the story Sam told us the other day was a doozy," Buck chuckled again, "look, we both know what happens when you back her into a corner, and we need to focus on Red and Bruce, so lock it up and worry about this later."
Steve clenched his jaw, but leaned against the staircase struggling to make sense of all the chaos.
"So Tony more or less admitted he still has feelings for you, and Steve got upset because you got upset?" Natasha asked, watching me pull on a black tank top, and my shield vest, "everyone who has a goddamned brain knows Tony still carries a torch for you, but I'm confused about why you're so angry?" She uttered, sighing when I slipped my knives and extra magazines into my cargo pants and belt, "and why the hell are you suiting up? We aren't going to war over this, I already told Tony, I would talk to Bruce, that Buck and I both will."
I leaned against the door and slid down till my ass hit the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest, and closed my watery eyes, "the sound of your voice when you called.. You sounded so sad, so broken, I've never heard... I know how lost you felt earlier.. I just know what you're going through Red, and I reiterated that to Tony, because he's just like Bruce. Men like Steve and Buck are different, even with all the shit they've been through, it makes them hold onto the things they love, not push them away. I've seen how happy you've been since Buck showed up, and.." I babbled, making no sense, but the words continued to tumble out of my mouth, dampening the rage simmering in my belly, "was it wrong to admit that Tony's confession upset me? Was I supposed to ignore the fact that I hurt Tony, like he unknowingly hurt me? The way Steve mentioned how upset it made me... and how I talk to Tony about stuff, he made... there.. he made it sound like there was something more to it than that..it pissed me off," I added through a broken voice, only to lean my head back and meet Nat's blue eyes, "I love Steve more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life, well except dad, maybe you, on a good day, but to have my husband question that, after all we've been through, and what we did this weekend.."
"Jealousy can make even the brightest men the biggest morons ever," she quipped, giving me a bright smile.
"Jealous?" I countered, shaking my head disbelieving what she just said.
"You know your dad thinks you're the smartest person in the world, but in all honesty, you're such a dumbass sometimes," she quipped, and wiped her face in annoyance.
"Steve knows I love him, I mean Jesus fuck, there's no reason for him to be jealous, I'm not jealous of Buck, or even Sam," I remedied petulantly, refusing to believe that's what Steve's problem really was, but the inkling and his reaction in the truck spoke to the possibility.
"Yah, but Steve and Bucky didn't spend a year together having mind blowing sex, and they weren't the reason Tony installed sound proof walls in every room, tower and facility," Nat hummed, giggling, "give the guy a break."
"Even if that's the case, the problem still remains, and that's you, Buck, and Bruce, not Steve's stupidity or Tony's confession," I snapped, jumping up, and pacing, "which when this anger passes, me and you are gonna go rounds, I should beat the shit out of you right now.."
"Mr. Stark would like a word in private, now, (y/n)," FRIDAY interrupted, "Mr. Stark is quite agitated."
"Yah well tell him to join the goddamn club," I growled, nodding at Natasha to head out the door, "give me a minute Tasha, I'll be out in a few, then we can head to the tower or wherever the hell Tony and Bruce are both at, so we can get this shit over with."