heres a part 5. cuz why not?
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YN's P.O.V.
"Eww! No! Get off of me! No!" I pushed the boy off of me and he slide off onto the right side of my bed. His face looked extremely hurt, but I couldn't care less. He hurt me. He did not deserve my love, my touch, my hugs, my kisses. No. None of it. I wasn't about to let his just waltz back into my life like nothing ever happened. Let him come and hug it all away. Neither of us deserved that.
"What?" he asked, truly confused as to why I wasn't just kissing and making up with him.
"Did I stutter?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in question.
"Well," he pulled his legs up to they were crossed under him as he sat on my bed, and he began to play with his long, pale fingers. Wow, some things never change.
"Are you kidding? Do you think that I am going to just let you come in here and kiss all the boo-boos away? That all those things you have done are completely irrelevant now that you've touched me? That you are the exact same Sam I used to know? Dude, you are insane. No way. You've broke my heart. Multiple times. Over multiple occasions. Said harsh words, acted cold, lied. plenty of other things I'm not going to care to mention. I don't know you anymore, Sam. I don't know you/. I don't trust you. I don't love you. I don't want this. I loved you. When we were little, you were sting. Compassionate. Loving. You held me when I needed it, brought me up, made me strong. You loved on me when I needed you most. We laughed together. Cried together, Knew each other better than anyone else. I knew you. And I thought I still did. But no. Its confirmed. And quite frankly, has been for years. But after that little stunt you pulled with Joanna today, that wasn't cool, man. You broke my heart. Embarrassed me. Calling me a coward, really? After I tried to do something kind for you, bringing those milk free, yes, I remembered, just for you. Bringing those cookies, that terrified me. I was absolutely terrified. I didn't want to see how wonderful you turned out. How beautiful and strong this new man was. Should have been. I thought that maybe, after seeing this, I could better myself, try again. Work for you. But no, I was thoroughly disappointed. You're not strong. You are hurtful, rude. I cant believe that is what I saw today, Sam. I just cant believe it. I now seriously know I cant be with this guy. This knew, cold, jerk of a kid. And that hurts me. Really bad. because I want you. Well, let me rephrase, I want my old Sam. The one that I love. The one that is truly spiritually beautiful. Not the kid sitting om front of me here today. Look, I understand that plenty of my actions are not justified. That what I have done to you in the past, not okay. I should not have hurt someone that I loved so dearly like that. No way. I should have supported you and Joanna from the start. Because the reason I was so upset was because I wanted you for me. And then I go and push you, hut you? No. Not okay. And when my mum made me go over to your house, I should have apologized. made amends. But what you have done the past couple encounters I have had with you, they have really hurt me. I'm starting to think that all my actions were the right ones. I don't want to be friends with this Sam. I don't. Look, I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for hurting you. And me giving this entire speech, is seriously mean. I just need you to know my thought and feelings. that is fair to both of us. And I'm sorry I slapped you. Seriously sorry. That was awful. But what you have done, what I have done, not okay. I thought that this was what I always wanted, I wanted you to come in here and hold me, kiss away everything that had been messed up. But now that I know what's changed, I don't. I cant have that anymore. I don't trust you. This Sam. I don't love you. I'm sorry. I know you don't love me. I don't know why you are here. I don't understand why you lied and said that I was the reason you're so bitchy. That was just plain offensive. This is your fault. Don't blame it on me. I cant believe you. Oh, and don't say Joanna isn't your girlfriend. I know you're lying. I don't like this. I really don't like this new Sam." I passionately said. My heart hurt. It was breaking. My hands were pale and shaking. Tears were running down my face. I was sure I looked as terrible, as broken, as I felt. I cant even remember how many times my voice broke. My lungs felt as if all the air in the room had been sucked away, leaving them as full of pain as my heart. My head hurt to think that now, I was truly saying goodbye to my Sam. The Sam I loved. The Sam I was, or thought I was, in love with. I was truly sorry to the fact that my boy was gone. I still wanted him. I wanted to believe I could get him back. That he was mine. That Joanna didn't matter. That nothing mattered more then we did. I had never been, to a lack of a better word, sad.
"She isn't my girlfriend," the boy mumbled sadly as he sad across from me on my pale duvet, " Dad says we are to young."
I threw my head back and barked a sarcastic laugh. Throwing my hands up in the air in defeat, I screamed, "Seriously! That is what you choose to say!? After me pouring my freaking heart out to you, you whine to me about your stupid love life!!" I was even more furious then before, Who was this guy?
"I'm sorry. Babe-" I cut him off abruptly.
"Oh no. Don't call me that. I'm not your 'babe'. And I never have been. I'm sure that's what you call her. I don't want to be associated with her. She is part of the reason I don't have you anymore. Or its just another name you use for everyone. I don't even know anymore. But I don't like it. Not again." I spat. I was finished talking to this stranger. I didn't even know how to feel. He looked too much like my Sam. He felt top much like my Sam. His hair. His nervous habits. His old pj pants. It was getting to me. I could feel myself weakening. But it wouldn't happen. I wasn't letting this kid take the place of my Sam.
"I'm sorry." His beautiful, watery brown eyes met mine. "I'm so sorry. Yn. I don't know why I'm so bad. I want to be your old Sam. I think about you all the time. I shouldn't have called you a coward. That was plain awful. I should have helped you up when you fell all those years ago. I shouldn't have spat. I should have given you a coat. Or some socks. I should have apologized. I should have hugged you. Held you. Been stronger. I shouldn't have looked at you like I didn't care. I shouldn't have said those harsh, cold, mean things. I shouldn't have let Joanna laugh at you. I shouldn't have even left your room that night when you were crying." the kid was full on balling now. "I should have held you, made you laugh. Gotten a movie for us to watch or something. I should have talked it out with you. Fixed the problem. I shouldn't have let you sit here alone for all those years, wishing the old Sam would come back and save you. I should have just saved you. Its awful, but I walk by here all the time. Think about what we would be doing if I didn't mess us up. I think about how you are sitting up here, drawing or something, about how I could be on the floor watching you, but I'm not. Because I'm a jerk and I messed it up. I'm sorry. I should have been stronger for you. I should have run down here, come and fixed it. You know, or sent you a letter or something. It would have been so easy. I'm sorry I'm not the old Sam. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry I've lied to you. That I didn't come save you. That you don't trust me. That you don't love me. That I came here and broke you even farther than before. That you are disappointed. Love, I deserved that slap. More than you know. You should have kept going. I'm sorry I acted so nonchalant. I guess I thought that if I let my guard down, that you'd be disappointed. But I don't know how I thought that this," He gestured to his crying, shaking, sniffling self, " was any better than what I was trying to hide. I'm so sorry." He kept crying. Kept shaking. He was breaking me. This, this was my old Sam. And I needed him. Maybe he was putting up an act, trying to get to me, but at that point, I didn't care. Not at all. I was throwing literally everything I had said out the window. This boy, that may or may not be lying, looked like he was pouring his heart out to me. I don't know why I believed him so quickly, so easily, but I did. Well, I wanted to. I wanted him back. And it looked like he was sitting half a foot away from me.
Broken.
Alone.
Terrified.
Sorry.
"Honey." I whispered, tears falling down my face.
He shook his head in shame, still not making eye contact with me. I felt awful. So, so awful. It was as if my Sam ripped out the boy I had talked to earlier today and jumped into his body.
"Oh," he wiped his nose, pushing himself up off the bed and standing up. "The cookies were very g-good. T-Thank you so much. Merry Christmas, little one." He turned and jumped out the window.
Little one.
That's what he used to call me. I loved it. I thought it was truly precious. I felt like I was his.
That was what sent me off the edge. I needed him. I needed him to feel absolutely positively loved. I had told him I was disappointed in him. That I didn't love him. That he was mean, rude, awful. I couldn't handle that. None of those things, in that moment, were true to me.
I leapt off the bed and out the window. I could see Sam running as fast as he could to his home down the street.
Pushing my bare legs as fast as they could go and pushed my way to him. I wanted to get to him before he shut his door, I didn't want to have to have another door scene with him. THAT probably wouldn't end well. We weren't very good at that type of thing.
The wind grabbed at my hair and cloths as I chased after him. My heart bpm began to increase and I started to worry.
What if that speech was all a lie? No one can change that fast. And he's been so rude. So cold. SO mean. But so have I. I've been awful. What if he doesn't want me to chase after him? What if I accidentally confess my love for him? He obviously still loves Joanna. What do I do if I get to him? What do I say? What are my comfort zones with him? What lines can he cross? What lines can I cross? Does he love me at all? What are his comfort levels with me? What do I do?
My pace started to slow, and I watched the boy I think I love run away from me again. I watched him fall through my fingers yet again. I watched myself let him leave me. I pushed him away.
His body disappeared from sight as he entered his home, and I could still hear the faint sounds of his music radiate from the house quite a few meters in front of me.
I wanted to go nock on the door. I wanted to get my old Sam back. But that kid, the one who has broke my heart two whole times JUST today, was still there. That couldn't have been my Sam. But I don't understand. Why would he say those things? Why would he run after me? HE obviously didn't love me. He's been a freaking jerk!
Turning to go back to my safe, warm bed, I let those questions bounce around in my skull a little. I wanted to find answers, happy ones, to each of them.
I needed to talk to him, though.
Bad.
Yet again, I turned around, gingerly making my way towards the boy's home.
My hands were shaking and I could barley breath. I just wanted this all to be over. I was freaking spent.
_ _ _
I found myself on his door mat. Just standing there. At two in the freaking morning. I didn't REALLY want to be here, but at the same time, I did. Hopefully I could fix..... something.
My hand was brought up to the door, but I didn't feel like knocking. I mean, Sam just jumped inside my window. Did I really need to knock? I mean, yes. Probably. But was I going to? Nope. Hopefully the door was unlocked.
The door handle was cool, refreshing. I almost wanted to just stay there for a while, to relish the moment. But I, unfortunately, had crap to do.
Click.
"Ha!" I whispered. "It worked!"
I pushed the door open slowly, hoping Sam was in his room or somewhere he couldn't hear me. I didn't want to scare the poor kid.
I walked into the living room, knowing exactly where everything was. I had been here too many times as a kid. But before I entered the room, I could hear Sam saying something.
"I b-blew it Mum. I freaking blew it. Sh-she hat-es me n-now. I m-messed it all up. I'm an idiot. God, please help me."
This brought tears to my eyes. Maybe this was my Sam.
I silently made my way to the couch were he lay, and took a seat.
The kid almost jumped straight out of his skin. He looked dead, tears streaming down his face. His eyes looked dull, his nose red. His sandy hair stuck up in all different places, just the way I liked it.
"Wh- what are you doing here?"
"I don't know." I sat there staring at the floor.
"Oh." he sat up an scooted a little farther away from me, obviously feeling the tension in the air. "well. U-um." he wiped one last tear off his face.
"Were you really crying about that? About me?" I asked.
"Well, um, I, i.." He stuttered.
"Maybe." He finished out.
I didn't believe it. But for tonight, I could act like I could.
"Are you sure you're not with Joanna yet?"
"Well, unfortunately not yet, no." I wanted to ask him to come over and hold me for a while, maybe make us both feel better, but that one hurt. Not YET. Unfortunately. That was a stupid idea though. I mean, A) he was lying about all the crap he was saying. B) he wanted Joanna, not me. He wanted to hug Joanna. Not me. He wanted to kiss her. Not me. He wanted to hold her, have her, love her. Not me. I wasn't even sure why I was sitting beside the boy. It was absolutely idiotic and childish. "Why? That's a bit of a weird question to ask, don't ya think?"
"It........ It was relevant. I don't know why I'm here. Sorry I bothered you." I said, distantly.
"No. Its okay. I'm glad you cam-" I cut him off, yet again.
"I'm not. I'm sorry. Bye Sam." I got up slowly, not exactly paying attention to the task at hand. I was thinking about how stupid it was to come here. How i should have never even met Sam. How i wished i was Joanna. How i wanted to be held. How I should have been asleep my that time. How much homework i had. How Mum would kill me if she found my bed empty right about now. It made my brain hurt.
Just as i turned to leave, my wrist got pulled on so my entire body went flat on the couch. I felt another body plop onto mine, and long, shaking arms wrap their way around my frame.
"Please, just hold me. Just for tonight. And then we can be done forever, if you want. No one has to know, i- i just need to be held." The boy said shakily into the crook of my neck.
I wrapped one arm under his arm and onto his back, and the other's hand was stoking his face softly. I couldn't help myself. I hadn't been held for so long, and i wanted him so bad.
"But. I don't know."
"Yes you do." He said, squeezing me tighter and leaning into my hand.
"I know." I sighed.
"Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you." He kissed my cheek. I was beyond terrified, and seriously dreading the morning when i thought we had to part.
"We can just act like nothing ever happened. Just you and me. And then, we go our separate ways." I tried to convince myself that this was an okay thing to do.
"You're so warm," he relaxed into me.
"Ha!" I laughed slightly. "I hope that's a compliment."
"It is." He said, matter-of-factly. No farther explanation needed, apparently.
"We have to go back to mine. My mother will kill me if she found out i snuck out." I played slightly with his hair, acting as if this were a dream. Well, it pretty much was. No one but me would care that it was happening. It felt as if i was on cloud nine. Just like a dream.
"Ugh. I'm so comfy." He whined.
"You're so big!" i laughed slightly.
"Hey!" Sam looked up at me, his brow creased. He looked more than adorable.
"And your voice is so deep. You're like a real man." I was sad to think about everything i missed out on. To think about everything i would miss out on.
"Ha! I guess so. Joanna really likes it." I could feel his smile on my neck. It made my blood run cold. It made me not want to be touching him anymore.
"Um........... Crap!" I couldn't do this. I was going to get out of this. HE couldn't handle not bringing up HER for more then 5 minutes. "Uh... I have to go on a run in the morning. I cant do this. I'm sorry." I sat up, wnd he moved off of me, but he kept his hand high up on my thigh.
"But-"
"I'm sorry. I guess this is it." I frowned, and tears welled up in my eyes.
"What? Running? This is it?"
"Yeah. Yes. This is it. And you technically have a girlfriend. I'm sure this is weird for you. You know. You hold her. And touch her. And all that jazz. You cant do that with another girl. That's awful. I'm sure shed be beyond hurt." I was just describing how i would feel. How i felt.
"But-"
"Its for the best Sam. Goodbye, honey. You've got Joanna. Youll be okay." I thought it could be a good dream, but nope. I have to go and turn it into a nightmare.
"I know I have her," wrong answer, "but I don't know if this is for the best," he pleaded.
"I do. You've said so many things that have shown me that this is the right decision." he looked hurt, as if he was being confronted for doing something wrong. "Don't worry! They aren't bad things. Not at all. They are good things. At least, you think so." I ran a hand through his hair and he shut his eyes, relishing the moment with a frown on his face.
"Its okay, honey." I comforted.
"But-"
"Don't. You're going to make me stay." I let a tear fall on my check, and the boy in front of me reached up and wiped it away.
"I'm sorry." he whispered.
"Me too."
"Do you want to hug it out? Just for a minute?" He seemed completely fine as to letting me go. It hurt me.
"Um...." I thought, "I'm not sure that you or Joanna would be super well off if that happened. Especially with what we just did with the whole cuddling thin-" he cut me off.
"Why are you so obsessed with Joanna?" he asked accusingly.
"What?"
"You keep asking and talking about her."
"Ha. Ditto."
"Yn, come on."
"You are literally in love with her."
"Yeah. I know."
That broke my heart.
"I have to go. Its getting late."
He stood up, towering over me.
"Fine."
"Goodbye, Sam." I said awkwardly.
"I'm really sad you're deciding to skip out on this." he said softly.
"I have-"
"You don't run." he put a hand on my forearm.
"I coul-"
"Yn"
"We cant do this." I shook off his touch.
"Just one night, love. I want to at least say goodbye." he pleaded another time.
I let the thought mull about in my brain.
"That would mess everything up." I defended.
"Everything is already messed up!" He was in the same stance he had been for the past five minutes.
"No. Its not. I still don't trust you."
"You don't trust me?" his whole body seemed to shrink in pain.
"Trust is different then love."
Oh no. Oh noooo I didn't. I did NOT just say that I loved him. No way. Crap crap crap crap crap. Maybe he didn't take it that way. Maybe he didn't even care. I don't even know. But what I do know is that THAT was a stupid move. Seriously stupid.
"You love me?"
Dang it. How am I supposed to respond?!
"I have to go." I turned around to leave, and yet again, got pulled back to him. To the guy that kept hurting me.
He grabbed my wrist and slammed me into his chest. He wound his arms around me waist and I did the same. His mouth was some where close to me ear when he whispered:
"I love you."
"No." I denied.
"Ye-"
"I have to go. Now."
I ran out of that house as fast as my legs could carry me. Faster than I had ever gone before. I needed to get home. To think. To rest. To get away. To go back to daydreaming, to where everything was okay. No lying Sam. No hurting him. No Joanna. It was perfect.
But I was in the real world. Running from my problems. I had no idea what to do. Did I trust him? Did I believe him? Should I let him come over and hold me? Did I love him? Should I tell him that? Should I not think about Joanna? Did I believe him when he said that they weren't together? Did I truly believe he loved me?
I didn't know how to think.
I didn't know how to process everything.
I didn't know who or what or if to believe in anyone.
My brain was a mess.
And I didn't know where I should start to fix it.
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4000 words. Shall I keep going?