It takes more courage to live
It takes more courage to live
It takes more courage to live
More courage to live
Zach Dawson's stupid words have been running through my mind all night.
What does he know? Is he dying? Does he have to face cancer ever day? It doesn't seem like it. So how the hell did he get so wise?
Does he think you have to be cowardly to accept your fate? That knowing you're dying isn't scary? That I don't wish I had more life left to live every single day?
Because I do. I really do wish I had more life left, but I don't. And it took me some time to accept it. A long time actually.
I pushed everyone away when I heard the news, of course. And maybe if I didn't realize there was no hope for me I'd bring them back. Just to apologize. Tell them I love them, and I miss them. Because of course I do.
But I can't bring myself to do that. I can't bring myself to open up to life again, just to have it taken away.
I guess they will all be thanking Zachy when I die and get these letters I've spent all night writing. For Mom, Dad, Dylan, Zaina, Noah, and Daniel. Writing them to say I'm sorry, to say I love them, and to move on with their lives. Telling them to not dwell, and to be happy for me. Because I got to live my life surrounded by them. Surrounded by love.
The little bit I have accepted recently anyways. But before cancer, we really were the affectionate bunch. And I think without those memories, I wouldn't even be able to pretend that I'm okay.
I'm not sure why, but apart of me is tempted to write a letter to Zach too. I won't of course. But it would be nice for him to know how hard it is to die, how scary it is to die.
I do understand what he was saying.
It takes more courage to live.
It does. I know because I'm not willing to. But that doesn't mean it takes no courage to die. Because it takes a lot. Trust me.
----
By the time I got to bed it was around 4am, and I had to wake up at 8am for my medicine. Leaving me to run on four hours of sleep, and somehow try to apologize to my family.
They're the only ones still around. They continue to put up with me and my moodiness, and I should try to remember that more often.
I should let them be there with me when they want to be, not for me, not really anyways. But for them. It probably gives them a sense of control. If they can take me to all my appointments, watch me take my medicine, keep me as healthy as possible, then I'll be okay.
Of course it doesn't work like that. But I don't have the heart to tell them.
Which is why while we're all sitting awkwardly at breakfast, I find myself clearing my throat to gain their attention.
"I'm uh, really sorry guys. About last night. I know you're all trying to help, it just gets kind of hard to remember that. I've been a little overwhelmed I guess, and forgot about how much you all do for me. So, I'm sorry."
My mom, of course starts to cry. Leaving my dad to console her, while they say they forgive me. They then go to the kitchen to clean up, leaving me with Dylan.
"I really mean it Dyl, I'm sorry."
Folding his arms across his chest, he looks at me with those twin eyes. The eyes that tell me he knows exactly what I'm thinking.
He holds his hand out for me to take, and leads me to the backyard so our parents won't hear us.
"Why do you do this Leena? You don't think I know how you're feeling? Huh? You don't think I see how you've stopped caring? Stopped fighting?"
Feeling uncomfortable, I try to put an expressionless mask on my face and reply "I don't know what you're talking about Dylan. I'm here. I'm taking my medicine, going to the hospital when needed, going to therapy. I don't know what else you want from me."
He then clenches his fists at his sides, and tries to reel in his anger as he says "You don't know what I want? Well let me tell you Lee. I want my sister back. My twin back. I want you to start living again. I want you to apologize to your friends. I want you to be happy. But you won't even try. Not for me, not even for yourself."
Realizing he can see right through my bullshit, I fess up. "Fine Dyl, that's what you want? You want me to get my friends back, to open up to them, to tell them I'm dying? You want me to get their pity friendship? And maybe I could, hell I probably could. I could have my friends again, I could make some memories with them, with you. And then what? Huh Dyl? What then? I have three weeks! Three weeks until chemo and radiation! And we all know what that means but nobody wants to say it! I. Am. Dying. This is round two, it's not going away! I'm not getting better! I don't want to start living again just to have it taken away! Don't you get it?"
As I'm yelling to my brother, I start crying. I start poking at his chest, crying angry tears. Angry tears towards how unfair this is, angry tears towards myself.
When I'm finished my speech Dylan grabs both of my arms in his hands, forces to me look into his eyes and pleads with me to believe the words coming he's saying.
"Nobody knows what's going to happen Lee. And it scares the hell out of me. I could lose my twin sister, my best friend. But I may not. You may survive this Lee. If anyone could, it would be you. You keep forgetting that you're still here. You're still alive Lee. It's not over yet."
It takes more courage to live.
----
Monday comes around way too quickly for my liking. Specifically english class comes around far too quickly for my liking.
I moved back to my original seat in the back, as did Zach. Which is why I now find myself channeling all of my will power, to not take the stupid pencil that he is currently using to poke my arm, and snap it in half.
Snap.
I guess I don't have much will power.
"What in the hell could you want with me now Zach?"
Seeming to enjoy my annoyance, he smirks and says "After you ran out on me Saturday, I realized we didn't set another time to meet for the project. So come over after school."
Excuse me? Even if I was okay with going over to his house just because he said so, I can't. I have therapy after school today.
Rolling my eyes, I scoff and say "Sorry Zachy but I'm busy right after school until 4pm."
Now appearing interested, Zach replies "First of all, stop calling me Zachy. It's weird. Second of all, I thought you were a loner, what are you always doing with your time instead of this project?"
Growing more frustrated by the second, I respond by saying "What happened to not wanting to 'figure me out' Zachy? I'll be at your house for 4:15pm."
With that, the bell rang and I left without another word.
----
Dylan drove me to therapy after school, which meant I had to tell him in person that I would be going to Zach Dawson's house afterwards for a project.
Right when he stopped the car he turned to me and said "Okay, I'll be here at 4pm to pick you up."
Here goes nothing. "Actually Dyl, about tha-"
Raising his hand to silence me, Dylan interrupts me and says "No Lee, stop. I want to be here to get you, and I'm going to be."
Rolling my eyes, I say "It's not about that Dylan. I have to go to Zach Dawson's afterwards. We're partners for an english assignment and we have to work on it tonight, and he's only about 10 minute walk from here. So you don't need to pick me up."
That's a lie. I have no idea where Zach lives, but Dylan doesn't need to know that.
"Zach Dawson? Why the hell are you his partner? And no you're not walking there, I'll drive you. You probably don't even know where he lives."
Rolling my eyes at him again, I say "Fine. But how the hell do you know where he lives?"
Looking a little sad, but still trying to keep the mood light he says "From all those parties he had in the summer, Lee."
----
After another unsuccessful therapy session, Dylan drove me to Zach's house.
When he pulled over, he turned to me and said "I don't like this Lee. Do you guys really have to do this here?"
Giving him a sarcastic smile I say "Of course we do, how else am I supposed to take drugs and go streaking around the neighbourhood if my brother is around?"
Trying hard not to look amused, he flatly responds "Haha, so funny Lee. Just be careful, okay?"
Sending him a mock salute, I climb out of the car, and ring Zach Dawson's doorbell.
After about 30 seconds, a breathless Riley answers the door.
"LEENA! HI!"
He then throws himself into my arms, making me stumble a bit before I can regain my balance and hug him back.
"Hey Riley, what are you doing here?"
A deep voice responds and says "He lives here, who are you?"
Looking up, I see an older looking Zach in front of me. I decide to let go of Riley, and greet who I am assuming is Zach's father.
"Um, hello. I'm Leena, Zach and I have an english assignment to work on."
Sending me a genuine smile he says "I'm Jude, come on in. Zach's just upstairs, Riley will get him." And with that Riley runs off yelling Zach's name.
Jude brings me into his living room, taking a seat on the sofa, and telling me to make myself at home as well.
I sit down on the love seat, that's right beside a beautiful acoustic guitar that steals all of my attention.
Jude seems to notice my fascination and asks "Do you play?"
Nodding my head I answer "Yes I do, do you?"
Shaking his head sadly he says "No, my wife did. It's hers, nobody else knows how to play it, but I don't have the heart to give it away."
Remorse fills my body as I say "I'm so sorry."
Jude shakes his head and says "Don't be sorry, she lived a good life."
Sending him a small smile I say "I'm sure she did."
Zach emerged a few seconds later with his notes, and we got to work in his living room while Jude and Riley left the house for something.
After about an hour of working Zach threw his pencil down, and said "That's it, I can't do anymore of this right now."
I nodded, feeling the exact same way. I started to gather my stuff up as Jude and Riley came back. Riley ran up to Zach and I, and an adorable puppy face took over as he saw me packing up to leave.
He looked up at me and said "Where are you going Leena? You can't leave yet you didn't sing to me yet."
Feeling conflicted I decided to choose my words wisely "Sorry bud I have to go home, but maybe I'll see you when I'm volunteering at the hospital this week?"
Riley then shakes his head and says "No, no pleaaaase Leena! Just one song, we even have a guitar!"
Oh shit.
I can't use that guitar, there's no way!
Just as I'm about to refuse, Jude interrupts and says "Leena if you'd like to, you can use the guitar."
Still feeling uncomfortable, I'm about to decline when I see Riley's hopeful eyes pleading with mine.
I sigh and reluctantly agree.
"Okay, I'll sing Riley. But you have to pick the song."
He takes a fews seconds to deicide and says "Oh I know! The rain song!"
Confused I look to Jude questioningly and he says "He means Have You Ever Seen the Rain by Creedence Clearwater Revival."
I nod, knowing the song as my dad favourite. Something I learned to play for him.
I turn to hesitantly grab the guitar when I see Zach's stormy grey eyes, looking at me with so much annoyance, frustration and anger I almost take a step back.
I again, feel as though I'm overstepping, and turn to Jude asking with my eyes if he's sure this is okay.
He nods.
So I take a deep breath, grab the guitar, and start.
Yesterday and days before
Sun is cold and rain is hard
I know been that way for all my time
'Til forever, on it goes
Through the circle, fast and slow,
I know it can't stop, I wonder
I want to know
Have you ever seen the rain?
I want to know
Have you ever seen the rain
Comin' down on a sunny day?