Chapter 4: The Funeral
A cool breeze runs through my body as I stand in front of the church. I look up at it, taking in it’s entirety of it’s old rusty composure. Maura would’ve only liked the way it looked, but hated what it represented. Just the fact that she’s in there now makes me want to vomit. I adjust my tie one last time before taking a step into the place. It’s a tad bit empty, a few people are scattered about. I feel stares on me, making me a bit self-conscious. I know it’s because I am pushing a baby stroller. I’m not dumb. And everybody in here know it’s Maura and Hunter’s baby. They aren’t dumb either.
I look around at all the unfamiliar faces, wishing Zayn was here so I wouldn’t have to sit alone. I guess that I will have to for a bit until he shows up. I wasn’t going to pester him about coming to a funeral where he doesn’t even know the people when he’s helped me so much already. He had a class to attend and then said he’d come so he’d witness the burial and end of the ceremony.
Once I find an empty seat, I sit down near the aisle. I just look up towards the front of the church where I see their coffins, black and nice. Behind them is photos of them all together, mainly just Maura and Hunter, but I see a few with me up there and a few with Ben. The flowers are arranged very nicely. I refuse to cry as I look around at all the people dressed in black just as I am myself.
“Can I sit next to you?” a feminine voice says and I look up, surprised to see my mum. I nod, my chin quivering a bit. She motions for me to stand and I do, embracing her in a tight hug, something that I needed greatly.
“I’m so sorry about them. I know you guys were very close,” she whispers in my ear.
“It’s not fair,” I almost cry. I’m holding back the tears as best as I can. I hear Benjamin start whimpering so I pull away from my mum and pick him up and out of his stroller. I also grab a bottle from out of his bag, allowing him to eat. I rock my leg up and down a bit too so it’ll be easier to burp him later on after he’s done. My mum gives me a look of sympathy as she, my dad, and Ruth slide in to the spots next to me.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” each of them mutter as they pass me.
“Do you know who paid for the funeral?” I ask my mum, curious considering that neither of them had a family.
“We knew how much they meant to you, so your father and I did,” she tells me, causing me to widen my eyebrows in surprise. My mother and father didn’t care for Maura once they found out about her engagement. They thought she was crazy to be getting married at the age she was and even more disappointed when they found out about the pregnancy. I guess that they were just always hoping that she and I would get together, but that could never happen. Hunter was her one and only.
“Let’s have the ceremony begin,” the priest up front says, clearing his throat. The music that was playing before stops and I know that it’s my time to zone out. If I listen to all of their words, I will surely relapse. I’ve been holding it in nicely for the past few days, but it’s still hard, ya know? I miss them so fucking much. So instead I think of better days, like when we all went to the lake.
Maura, Hunter, Andy, and I all went to the lake down by the amusement park. Andy brought some food for us to grill and we all wore our swimsuits. It was a nice hot summer day and we all just had a blast hanging out in the water, splashing around and joking. It was the best day of my life if I’m being honest. We were all so carefree and just having fun. We were just being teenagers and it was nice. So fucking nice. I haven’t had a day like that ever since I’ve started UNI. I’m either in class, studying, working, or at the pub. I don’t get carefree weekends and even if I did I wouldn’t want to spend them without Hunter, Maura and Andy.
The change is too much.
How am I going to survive this?
I don’t think I can. I’m trying so hard. So hard. It’s just that every time that I can forget that they died and laugh at our memories, I get reminded with the fact that they are never coming back and that we’ll never have memories like that again. I can’t handle it.
“Mr. Payne, would you like to say a few words in their memory?” the priest asks me. Everyone in the church looks at me and I know that I should go up, but I don’t know if I have the strength too. I look at my mum, hoping for advice, but she won’t give me any. So instead, I just nod. I know that if I don’t go up there, nobody else will. The priest nods and I get up, glancing at my mother to make sure she’ll watch Ben while I’m up there. I finally reach the podium placed in between my two dead best friends and I almost break just at that thought.
“Maura and Hunter Levi would’ve had to been the best couple that I’ve known in my entirety. So many people thought that they were young and naïve, but they weren’t. No movie could express just how in love that these two are, I mean were,” I say, glancing behind me to get a quick break. I just end up finding my eyes landing on a photo of Maura and I from when we were younger. I smile, rolling my eyes at the memory of that.
“Maura was my best mate, practically one of the guys to me. She never had it easy. I mean, she was a foster kid that wanted to write songs for a living. All she ever did was get laughed at, especially when people found out about her past. I came along around then and I’d like to think that I helped make things easier for her, a little more bearable. And trust me, I was nowhere near thrilled when Hunter came along,” I tell them, earning a few laughs. I hear the church doors open so I quickly look that way expecting to see Zayn, but I’m more surprised when I see Andy entering the church and taking a seat in the back. He nods to me and I return the simple gesture before continuing.
“It was so bad. I was so protective of her and he was the same. We were always at each other’s throats and it was just bloody horrid,” I tell them causing a few more laughs as I’m calming myself down before continuing, “it was just one of those things where we both had to step back and evaluate the other’s relationship with her before we got it through our thick skulls that we weren’t helping her at all. It took a nice whack to the head. Trust me, I still got the lump to prove it.” I remember the day that she whacked us both ‘cos we were fighting and told us to leave. That problem was so little compared to the ones that I have to face now without them both.
“I just know Maura would be laughing at my skimpy tears right now and Hunter would call me a baby,” I tell them, wiping away a few tears.
“They were both just such good people and didn’t deserve what happened to them, ya know? Things were so good for them lately. They had just had a son and were supposed to get married yesterday. Now none of that can happen for them and they just didn’t deserve it. You would never find a more perfect family than these guys. You would’ve never met someone as artistic and full of life as Maura. You’d never meet someone as funny and witty as Hunter. They were both just such good people and didn’t deserve it. At least they are happy up there together. They don’t have to face the shit that lingers down here anymore like the rest of us do,” I say, but am soon cut off by the priest. He tells me I need to leave the podium because I am using ungodly words. I know he’s right and if I would’ve stayed any longer, I’d be cussing up a storm. I don’t want to ruin this for them either.
I hurry back to my seat and the priest ends the ceremony. A few guys, including myself get up and walk over to the coffins and begin carrying them out of the church. The one that I’m carrying feels so light that it scares me. It’s almost as if nothing is in there. We load them into the gurneys before they drive off and we all get into our separate cars as well. I haven’t really thought about how I was going to get to the cemetery. God damnit I need to think things through better.
“Need a ride?” a familiar voice says and I turn to see Andy next to me in his car. I nod, holding back tears. I grab Benjamin and buckle him into a carrier, surprised that Andy even has one back here. I then buckle myself in to the front seat.
“I got it for him. I thought I’d never be able to use it,” Andy lightly jokes as we speed off. I smile, looking back at the sleeping child. Slobber is coming out of his mouth and I just know that I’m going to have a fun time cleaning that up later.
“What made you decide to come into town?” I ask.
“My best friend sort of just died too,” he tells me a bit bitterly. Right. He was Hunter’s best friend.
“Sorry. You just don’t come here often,” I tell him honestly.
“I was sort of helping them get on their feet while you’re out here parading around as a drunk, slowly forgetting about them,” Andy snaps. I didn’t realize how much anger he had for me until that moment.
“I’m sorry mate. I kind of want a job in the future and UNI is stressful. Plus I talked to each of them every day. I wouldn’t and couldn’t of forgotten about them,” I explain myself.
“And you think I didn’t want to go to UNI? You didn’t even offer to help them and just expected me to do everything. You don’t deserve that fucking child,” he says and whimpers start coming from the back.
“You’re talking badly about our best mates and I’m not up for it,” I tell him as we park in the cemetery. I grab the crying toddler and walk away, dragging the stroller behind me. I quickly make my way over to where two coffins are hovering over holes that are dug six feet under.
“You need to say goodbye to mummy and daddy now Ben,” I tell the poor child who isn’t even a month old yet. I’m so dumb. He doesn’t understand a single word that I’m saying. But to my surprise he starts wiggling around and crying harder. I hold him close as he cries so hard that he’s almost choking. My mum comes and takes him from me in an attempt to calm him down. I thank her as I can now say my own goodbyes. I head to Hunter’s first.
“I’m so sorry about everything mate. You truly were a great man. I’ll miss you. Take care of her up there yeah? I’ll return the favor by keeping your son taken care of,” I tell him and they start lowering him before I can say another word. I’m a bit shocked and become a bit panicked that I won’t get words to Maura. I turn around and see that hers is also being lowered.
“I love and miss you,” I whisper into the giant hole, tears streaming down my face. I watch as people throw flowers down the holes, decorating the coffins in a way that I wouldn’t have guessed people to do. I stay here for hours, watching the coffins, refusing to leave. I can’t leave. They need me.
“Liam?” A familiar voice says finally at sundown and my head snaps up to see Zayn in a tux, his hand on my shoulder. He has Benjamin in his free arm and I assumed that my mother stopped by and dropped him at my place. I hold up my arms for the child and Zayn hands him to me. He crouches down next to me, handing me a bottle of beer.
“I figured you’d need it after the day that you’ve had,” he tells me, knowing too well that I’ve shed more tears in these few hours than I have in my lifetime. I thank him before taking a swig, downing the entire thing. It felt nice, the familiar burn of the drink down my throat. I then get a craving for another one, but know I probably shouldn’t with a baby in my arms.
“You ready to go home mate?” he asks me and I nod, frozen, as I stand up. He then guides me towards the bus stop where we’ll have to catch a ride so we can go home. I don’t say a word as we got on and he pays the bus fare. I get weird looks from people, but they don’t understand what I went through. They could never understand.