Harry
For days it feels as if I have done nothing else but cry. Maybe my emotions have been buckled up for too long and I need to release them all in once, or maybe the reality of it all finally hits me. Whenever I see my mother frown or my sister stare at her too long, almost standing up when her breathing stops for a second- it are all moments in which I let my tears fall. Sometimes silently and something in such an extreme way that I need to leave the house.
My sister and I were right to think that after the barbeque she'd quickly lose her battle. After only two days we reached a point in which it has become clear that she'll die this week. She can't swallow and that means that she's no longer eating or drinking. Her body is dehydrating fast and I have reached a point in which I can no longer take care of her. It pains me to see her so thin and her skin so translucent.
"I think it is time to give her some rest," the doctor tells me as we sit down in the living.
"She's not going to let go as long as she's awake. And right now she's not in comfort. Not like we want her to be," Abby explains further. "If we help her sleep it won't fasten anything. Especially as she is no longer able to drink. It will only give her the rest she deserves."
"Did you talk to her about this?" Liz asks me and I nod. "And, what did she say about it then?"
"I think she knows it is better. It is why she wanted everyone to come last Friday. Because she wanted to be present for her goodbye."
"I'll talk to her," the doctor stands up and Liz walks with him to the bedroom where my mother is resting.
She's awake for most of the time although unable to really communicate. They're right to help her sleep, but it is not a moment I want to witness.
"Are you okay with it?" Abby asks and she comes to sit next to me.
"Sure," I shrug, pushing my hands over my cheeks to wipe them dry for the hundredth time. "I just want it to end."
"You know that I'm here for you as well, right?"
She has told me that a lot these past days. I know she's more than ready to hear me speak, but I don't want to talk. Not to anyone. I just want to forget, get through this week and then move on for good. Better my life or some shit. Do everything possible to never feel so bad about someone or so low about myself.
"I'm not sure if I want to be there when they put her to sleep."
"Then you can go to my place. My brother is there."
I don't answer her but stand up to join my sister and mother. My sister is crying again, but she has surprised me in her strength these last days.
"She's okay with it," she whispers. "I'll go ask Abby when she can do it."
"I'm not sure if I want to stay," I tell her and she rolls her eyes. "I might go out to meet Joe for a drink."
"She won't die immediately," Liz says.
"I know that, and I intend to be there when she does die. But I don't want to be there when she's last awake, or looks at us for the last time."
"Okay, whatever suits you, I guess. So it is not that Ben is coming over?"
"I had forgotten about that," I tell her in all honesty. "I'll see him later, promise."
"Sure, go have fun, then let me have fun with my husband, okay?"
"Gross, not like that," I try to say, but Liz laughs, making my mother look up.
Her eyes look like Alex's do sometimes. Panic, fear and every bad emotion trapped in them. She must be scared and what am I going to do? Get drunk? Or what are my plans exaclty? I can't leave my mother, not now that she finally needs me. So I sit down next to her and take her hand in mine. If there's one thing that I know that Alex likes me to do to make her feel calm and centered then it is to touch her. Draw circles on whatever part of exposed skin I can find.
My fingers start to caress the skin on her underarm, drawing infinity signs. The fear in her eyes changes slowly and I keep watching her until she's asleep. It doesn't take her long as I know she's tired. She has fought for so long and although I know that she deserves this peace, I still don't want it to happen.
As Barbara and Abby enter the room I almost want to stop them as they put out supplies that I know will keep her in this sleeping state for forever. Alex warned me that I would want to use my time wisely with her. That it soon can be too late. As an expert I should have trusted her. I should have realised that whatever time I'd spent with her is too little. I can only hope that Ellie knew in the end that although I don't agree with her actions in the past, that I have forgiven her. There's only one thing I can say as I keep caressing her skin and Barbara puts in some sort of IV that will give her pain and sleep medication.
"It's okay, mom. It's okay. You can go to sleep now," I whisper and she doesn't even react to the sting of the needle. Only looks satisfied as if finally she got what she wanted and needed. Peace.
****
"Are you okay?" Abby asks as we silently make our way out of the house, unable to watch my mother so peacefully while I feel a rage within me that is only growing.
"Of course I'm fucking not," I spit.
It is hot out. Much too hot for my liking and everything around me seems to piss me off. It should rain, storm or something.
"Why does it feel like there's more going on than just your mother?"
"Just- don't talk."
"But I want to understand," Abby says, and her tone almost sounds pleading. "Harry, stop!"
Her hand prevents me from walking in front of a car and honestly, I wouldn't have minded a nice, quick ending to this all. Still I'm shocked to feel the wind rush past me as the car that could have been my death, or leave me badly injured, drives past.
"What?" I ask, hoping to sound ignorant. "You could have saved me if it had hit me, right? It is what you're trying to do anyway."
"I understand that you're hurt, but please don't take it out on me."
"Then don't follow me," I tell her as I finally cross the street and walk away from the house.
I don't know my way around here just yet, and I don't intend on finding it out. So I walk with only one purpose and that is to get away. Abby follows me and I realize in that very instant that I attract people who are too good for me. Alex, Susie, they both would follow me out here and I would let them. I feed on their kindness, and I don't deserve it.
There's a reason I escaped to Palas and it isn't just because my mother and I didn't get along. It's because there I could be myself. Fuck girls once and never look at them again. Party with friends who I'd never get too close with, and a job I was in control off. I thought I had let that in the past, but I feel that darkness that I felt then, creep back. It is better than feeling the pain I've been feeling for the past weeks.
"So, you're still following me," I say, stopping in my tracks.
"Jesus, are you naturally a dick, or what?" Abby says, laughing but I know it is only because she's shocked. I'm not.
"I am."
I don't know what else to say to her and I have no clue where we are. I've had plenty of escapes in my life but I never considered Abby one of them. She's nice to talk to, gave me a new point of view when it comes to Alex, but other than that she doesn't mean an awful lot to me. I wonder if I'll ever be able to care for someone again. I fuck things up anyway.
"Honestly, just leave me alone," I tell her sounding cold and I can tell I'm starting to get through to her.
Abby looks stunned as I walk away, done with this weird conversation that isn't going anywhere. For once she's not following me, asking me how I am. It is the most stupid question to ask when you know that someone is dying. I'm not going to answer how I truly feel because no words can express what it feels like, and when I tell her that I'm fine she's going to dig deeper, think there is more to my sulking.
Of course there is more to it, but for the few weeks that we know each other and she might have gotten to know me a bit, there's still no need to talk about it all. The closer my mother's death comes, the more I'm realizing how badly everything is in my life. Just like almost ten years ago when I decided to go to Palas, I feel an escape coming up.
It makes me fight the urge of calling Alex who I know will come the moment I beg her, because she's the only person who knows what I'm feeling right now. She knows my history with my mother and she knows what it is like to lose someone, but I lost her. It makes me cry again in the middle of the street. Fleeting memories of her coming to the surface until I can't take it no longer and reach the lowest I've ever felt and fall down on the concrete pavement.
A stranger places his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look up.
"Are you okay, mate?"
And for the first time I shake my head. I'm not okay.
****
"Is this normal?" Liz asks Abby as mother keeps breathing in a way that makes my entire body shiver. It as if she's pushing out all the air she has left, but something inside her throat is stopping her. For seconds she's quiet and then she gulps for air again. She looks like she's fighting, but I know that it is only her body.
"Unfortunately it is. It is common to happen, and you must realize that although it is hard for us the watch, that your mother's conscious level is so low, that she isn't feeling it. She's in peace."
Liz nods, some tears leaving her eyes and I watch her. Soon she will be the only real family I have left. My father hasn't once reached out to ask how his ex-wife is doing, the mother of his children, and even if he had I wouldn't think of him as family. Now that I see my mother dying, I know for sure that if it was my father, I'd only turn up for his funeral and leave it at that. He doesn't deserve more, but I'm glad that I realized in time that my mother does. No matter what she did, she always had the best motives and that was for me to succeed. I failed her though.
"Just call me when things change, okay?" Abby tells Liz. She's smart enough to not address me.
After our fight on the streets, she returned here and when I came in an hour later she was ignoring me. Now she grants me one look in which I know she is sending me strength, but it won't help me. There's only one person that can and I'm still fighting the urge to call her beause I know it is wrong to use her.
"So, what happened between you?" Liz asks the moment Abby closes the back door.
"Behaved like a dick," I explain. "It's one thing I'm good at."
"Tell me about it," she sniffles. "I guess we both have our flawed talents."
"What is yours then?"
"Being naive, but there's hope Harry. I learned the hard way not to always believe the good in people. You'll learn to not always be a dick."
"I doubt it," I mumble, but I have to give her some credit. She sure as hell seems changed than the sister I used to know. "But you look changed."
"Do I?"
She starts to glow, definitely proud of herself that I'm noticing a difference in her. "Yes? In what way?"
"You always used to live in your own bubble and seemed quite depended on your husband. Naive, I don't know, but you seem less dumb."
"Less dumb," she repeats, laughing. "Would you say that I matured?"
"Yeah," I shrug, knowing she is loving this moment considering all the criticism I have given her.
"Thank you, it means a lot to hear that from you. And I'm not just saying this to return the favor, but you have too Harry. You'd never so easily put your grudge against me aside for our mother, if you hadn't matured yourself. Let alone be here for her. Don't talk yourself down, Harry. You have always been an amazing brother, even when you weren't."
"Do you think she can hear this?" I whisper, looking at our mother.
"I hope so. It was what she wanted. For us to make up and be happy."
"I'm not happy though."
"I know, but you will be. Some day. Because you've changed and know life can be good for you. In time."
"Yeah," I mumble, not feeling so strong about that as she does, but Liz's words give me some hope and that says a lot since we're watching our mother die. I guess she's right. We matured.
"Ben will be here soon so I guess you can finally properly meet him."
"Does he hate me?"
"Why would he?" She wonders, turning herself to me completely.
"I can understand if you talked shit about me to him." I want to add that I did to Alex about her, but am smart enough to keep my mouth shut.
"Well," she hesitates for a second but then tells me the truth. "I did after you denied me, that time I met Alex. But he is actually the one who showed me that in a way you were right to hate me. Because like you said, I was living in my own bubble and I can't expect to do that and then for people to welcome me back in their lives when I need them. So, no, he doesn't hate you."
"I'm starting to like him more and more," I admit and she gives me a warm smile that disappears the moment our mother makes the most awful sound again and we turn our attention back to her.
****
Liz's husband, Ben, is what I'd call the definition of fit. Of course he's in the middle of a tournament that I'm paying no attention to, but it does make me realize that it has been six years since I met Alex. Back then he wasn't playing for the national team just yet, and from what I have learned from Liz, he still isn't really. He looks like a professional footballer though. I've never been one to be insecure, but suddenly the lack of abs is something I'm very aware of on my own body. They disappeared and now I want them back.
He is nice enough though, I realize after a few hours sitting by my mothers bedside with no difference from her yet. Abby stopped by in between, still ignoring me. Confirming what we're seeing which is that it could take hours or days before she finally finds her rest.
"Do you mind if we go to dinner?" Liz asks and I shake my head.
"No, you go. I'll stay with her."
"Thanks," she says, "and thank you for welcoming him. He might stay the night. I'm not sure where, but we'll figure it out."
"I'll sleep here," I tell her, meaning Mother's room. "As long as you don't have sex in my bed, I'm fine with him sleeping there."
"I don't think we'll have sex. It's not really on my mind right now."
"You're crazy if you don't," I tell her. I'd like a good fuck to get my mind of things.
"Yeah, well," she mumbles, clearly flustered. "We'll take the room though. Call me if she gets worse, okay?"
"I will."
****
Mother's situation stays stable for the rest of the evening, and all I do is scroll through my phone and watch her as I sit on my chair in her room. None of the nurses come as we decided to let her lie in this position as she's comfortable. The IV won't need changing until tomorrow and I soak in all the little moments with her knowing they're the last.
Liz and Ben come home late at night, offering me a beer as the three of us sit next to her. We drink in silent for a while, but then her breathing stops again and it seems to take longer than before. I'm already rising in my seat, thinking this is it, when she gulps for air again.
"Fuck," I mutter under my breathe, falling back in my seat.
"What do we do when she does die?" Liz wonders.
"We call her GP, then a funeral home."
"Do you know what she wants?"
"I believe she has written down her wishes with her notary."
"Yeah, she must have. She did love that notary. What did she give you your fund for?"
"A tattoo shop. And you?"
"To go back to university. I'm thinking about going to designer school. Do you have any idea where you're going to live after this?" I shake my head, all I know is that I want to go away. Far from London and Alex. "Me and Ben talked about this tonight. You are more than welcome to stay with us for a while until you find something. Or maybe you could set up a shop in Manchester. There's plenty of opportunities there."
"If you want to of course," Ben adds.
The thought of staying with my sister is tempting and does warm my cold heart, but I'm not sure if Manchester is far enough. "I'll think about it."
"Sure," she smiles. "We have room enough."
"He'll think about it," Ben says to Liz and she purses her lips.
Her eyes tell him to shut up, and I smile as I watch them. Then all of our attention goes back to my mother. At one in the night, Liz and Ben retreat to my room and I lay down next to my mother. It scares me to sleep next to her, potentially waking up to her dead, but in the end I manage to fall asleep and by the time I wake up, she's still fighting and still breathing.
"You slept here?" Abby asks, the one to wake me up. The house is silent, but she's working quietly on making a new IV. I nod to her, lifting up my head to see her closer. "Could you double check the dosis?"
Stretching my body I walk over to her and check the morphine and the medication that helps her sleep. "Seems alright."
"She looks worse," Abby says. "I usually don't really make assumptions, but I have done this long enough to make accurate predictions."
"And? You think it will happen today?"
"Yes, I think so."
It is Wednesday and the weather is even warmer than yesterday. Even early in the morning I'm already sweating and so is my mother. For her it is a beautiful day to go.
"Call me when it happens," Abby interrupts my thoughts and I look over to her. Just as she's about to leave the room I manage to open my mouth.
"Sorry for yesterday."
She looks over her shoulder and stops in her tracks. "I didn't expect you to apologize."
"Apparantly I matured."
She frowns, obviously not understandig what I mean with it. "I guess. Good luck today."
"Thank you."
We look at each other for a moment and then she gives me a small smile that I return before turning around to face my mother. Not much later Liz wakes up and I hear her talk to Abby before she leaves.
Abby has been a nice support for the past weeks. Someone to keep my mind occupied, but I never imagined that we'd build a life-long friendship. I don't think she did either, that's why she is so quick to step over her own ego and go back to her role as nurse instead of taking care of me.
Liz enters the room not much later, still wearing her pajamas. We sit next to her for a while and keep quiet as we watch our mother breathe.
"Do you think we'll keep seeing each other?" My sister asks after a while.
"You and me, you mean?"
"Yeah, I mean, we haven't really spent time together for the last years, but I'd really like it if you'd come to Manchester if only for a little bit."
"I'll come," I tell her. "I should see where you live at least once."
Liz smiles, clearly satisfied that I'm agreeing to her proposal and she takes out her phone probably to text Ben that she got her way. I watch her for a second and then turn my attention back to Ellie. Something in her face has changed and it makes me stand up to watch her closer. On instinct I know that the time has come and I start to cry so loud, as if my breath is pushing its way out from my stomach instead of lungs.
"What? What?" Liz screams, standing next to me and I shake my head. "She's still breathing right?"
I nod, unable to answer her and take my mother's hand in mine. There's no power left in her body and where before she'd close her fingers around mine, she now is weak and no longer pinching me back. With my other hand I draw circles on the skin of her arm. That helped her before and even now it seems as if it makes her smile only for a little bit. Liz joins me on the other side of the bed and with both her children holding her hand, Ellie finally finds peace and draws her last breath.