Lily came rushing in, obviously just having woken up. I was frozen, unavailable, staring at whatever was in front of me with my mouth agape. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. My head couldn't wrap around it.
"Alli! Allison!" She crouched down to me and grabbed my hand as I felt hot tears drop on my face, trailing their way down. Time moved slow, lurching on. My phone was face up, Elisabeth still on the line. I couldn't move.
"Mary Allison!" She yelled again, throwing her arms around me, I lifted my arm to hold hers.
"Thank god. What's--" she saw my phone and looked from me to it, then slowly picked it up, releasing her hold on me. I just watched her, it was all I could do. I was in shock and my body was disagreeing with and refusing every command I sent to it.
"Hello?" I heard her say. I slowly turned to her, watching as her expression dropped into shock and she slapped her hand to cover her mouth.
"Please just hold on." she offered the phone to me and I shook my head violently, pushing it back toward her.
"I can't, Lilyanne." I pushed out, my voice sounding much weaker than just a few moments ago. My friend nodded her head, and I shifted to hug my knees.
Dead?
No. No way.
But she said it.
You haven't seen her in years.
So why would she call now?
It's just a shitty prank.
It's not, you know that.
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and threw my hands up to my head, covering my ears. If I didn't hold myself together, I was going to fall apart.
I realized Lily had been talking as I tried to calm my breathing before I had a fucking panic attack on my bedroom floor.
"Thank you. I'll let her know, I'm sorry for your loss." she slid her finger over the screen to hang the phone up and scooted over to me, covering my body with hers and squeezing me tight.
"I'm sorry, love. I'm so so sorry."
"This isn't real."
"I'm sorry." She repeated, holding me to her. I couldn't even manage a sob, though that was the only thing I wanted to do. I was numb and unfeeling, I felt so far away from anything corporeal.
"Call him please." I whispered, head still in hands. I needed him with me or I needed to talk to him, but my body was not working in my favor.
She picked his name from the list and gave him a call, putting the phone on speaker so I didn't have to hold it myself.
"Hey, babe. Good morning." I could hear the smile and sleep in his voice-- I'd woken him up.
"I'm sorry for waking you up- I'm um... I'm-" My words jumbled as I tried to say what I knew I couldn't.
"Alli? Are you okay?" He immediately sounded more awake, his tone and voice getting much louder.
"Can you come home?" I pushed out. I just wanted him there, with me. I needed him.
"What's going on?" I knew I couldn't answer without breaking down into tears. The realization was hitting me now. Frustrated and worried by my lack of response, he shouted. "Is Lily still there? Lily?" He called out and my friend took the phone as I finally started to sob.
"Lilyanne what's going on, is she okay?" He asked, a little forcefully.
"Zak. She needs you right now. Her sister just called, Liam uh-- he passed away this morning." Hearing it again shot me down to the floor. I was laying there in Lily's lap just letting my tears roll, trying to listen.
"Jesus. Babe, I'm booking the first flight home, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can. Lily can you stay with her until I get home?"
"Of course I can."
"Thank you. I love you Alli."
"I love you." I said, in between my broken cries.
Lily hung up the phone and set it down, starting to smooth my hair as she let me cry in her lap. God I was thankful for her. And Zak, known to have a fear of heights and especially planes, was going to get on one to come help me.
I wanted to talk to Steph, Liam's wife, but I figured now was not the best time. I couldn't imagine how many calls she was getting, how many times she was forced to reiterate the story or the details to his friends, her friends, or her family, despite how much she may not want to. I wasn't going to contribute any more to her pain. It had to be like what I was feeling.
Not only had I lost a brother. I'd lost a close friend. I'd lost a father. Liam raised me, all on his own since I was very young. He took care of me when I was too sick to care if I lived or died. He had been my biggest and only support system for so long.
It hit me in waves. I would calm down for a minute, and then if think about him again. Or I'd think about his wife or his twin teenage daughters. I couldn't imagine what they were going through. Luckily, I suppose, I'd been too young to really get it, to really remember what my parents were like. I don't remember what they sounded like, what it felt like to be hugged by them, anything. I never had to miss them. I did in a nostalgic way, longing for something I didn't get to have when everyone around me did. I was told stories as I grew up, and they seemed like good people, but I didn't have a big connection to them.
I had grown to think that one of the reasons Elisabeth left me when they died was her anger. She was 24 years old, she'd had all the time in the world to bond and be with them. A four-year old that looked just like her mother probably wasn't who she wanted to be around. I'd see her every once in awhile, but it was never a sibling relationship and wasn't anything close to me and Liam's relationship.
Oh god, oh god. I was never going to get to talk to him again, hear his voice, hear his laugh. I was never going to get to pull pranks on him. He wasn't going to be there if I ever got married or had kids oh god.
Zak got home quicker than I expected. I guess he'd called his assistant to come pick him up-- there was no way I was fit to drive. Lily had moved us down to the living room before she left, kissing the top of my head and reminding me to call her when I felt a little better.
Zak gave her a hug and thanked her before rushing to me and wrapping his arms around me, tight. Like he was scared to lose me.
"Thank you for coming home."
"Anything for you. I'm sorry Alli."
"I am too." I said, holding him close to me, burying my face in his chest. "I want to go to bed." I was damn close to having a full blown panic attack and I needed to shake it off or the night was going to get that much worse.
"Well, come on. I'll go with you." He held my hand and walked in front of me to our room, shutting the door behind me. He stripped down to his boxers and took my shirt off too as I stood in front of him. "Get your jeans off Alli, you won't be able to sleep." I nodded and leaned down to peel them off. I was zoning pretty hard.
When we were in bed, Zak held me close, his chest to my back, kissing my head. He kept letting me know he was there, that I was going to be okay, that he was sorry. I held onto him tightly, crying my heart out.
"Why can't I get a break? What the hell did I do so wrong?" I asked, turning to look at him. He looked at me sadly and wiped the tears off my face, kissing me.
"Nothing. If I knew I'd try to stop everything bad coming your way. You've been dealt too many bad hands in a row." I nodded and pulled myself as close to him as I could get.
"I'm glad I have you." I whispered, trailing my fingers on his chest.
"I love you, Allison." He whispered back, kissing the top of my head.
"I love you too." We laid there for a little bit, i cried until I couldn't anymore and somewhere along the way I guess i fell asleep.
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I was spiraling, and fast. I didn't get out of bed that next day, save for normal bodily functions. I couldn't eat, I didn't really want to talk. Zak stayed with me while he could but he had work he had to take care of and sort, especially since he and the guys had to move lockdowns around.
God, I was causing issues for everyone, wasn't I?
I shouldn't have been, and it hurt me to say, but I was a little surprised at how quickly Zak agreed to come home to be with me. Work was everything to him, and I was just something small. I had already messed them up by getting sick, I wouldn't have been surprised if he told me to fuck clean off.
Now that's not fair, he would never do that to you.
I know.
I guess I just got scared sometimes. I hated being a burden, especially on people I cared about, and especially him. And lately, that's all I was being. I had tragedy after annoyance after disaster and I wouldn't blame anyone for getting tired of me. Frankly, I was getting tired of me. I was ready to chalk that year up to be the worst one in quite some time.
"Als?" I heard a knock on the bedroom door and pulled the sheets up, as Aaron was about to come in.
"Yeah?" He opened the door and came in, closing it behind him. I saw Zak look in with a pained expression on his face.
In Aaron's hands, I saw a big bundle of purple crocus flowers, one of my favorites. I couldn't help but break a smile.
"Zak told me you liked these. I wanted to come and check on you, see how everything was."
"It's what you expect. And you see me in my current state." I gestured to myself, messy hair, bare face, Zak's clothes that were too large for my body. A picture of mental stability, no?
"I'm really sorry, Allison. Like I always say, we've got you. No matter what you need, we've got you." I nodded and then looked to him, cocking my head.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, shoot!" He made a finger gun and shot it at me, drawing a smirk.
"Why does he want me?" I asked, closing my lips together as soon as I finished. This was a can of worms I hadn't planned on opening up, but I guess that's where I was emotionally. Aaron shifted and cleared his throat. I guess he wasn't prepared for that question. To be honest, neither was I.
"Honest answer?"
"Honest answer."
"You're beautiful, you care about him, you don't take his bullshit when he tries to put it on you, and you guys have this weird connection that I haven't seen him have with anyone else. He's different with you, Als, and I think he likes that guy." I nodded.
"I just feel like sometimes I'm more trouble than I'm worth."
"Hey, never say that. You're worth a whole hell of a lot, don't think otherwise. You make all of us better, not just him. You're entitled to have hard times too."
"Thank you. And thank you for the flowers."
"Of course. If you need me I'm a phone call away." He leaned down to hug me and then waved as he opened the door. Standing there, still, was Zak. My eyes widened.
"Why would you ask that?" He said. I threw my head back. He must've heard us.
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