and the day came,
when the risk it took
to remain tight in the bud
was more painful
than the risk it took
to blossom.
~Anais Nin
***
"Favorite color?"
Atlas thinks before answering, "Black."
I shake my head, "Black isn't a color."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"You paint using black all the time, and you're telling me it's not a color?"
I shake with laughter as he smiles back at me.
"Favorite color. Go."
I stare into his dark blue eyes as I answer, "white."
He throws his head back and laughs.
"How perfect."
We are laying in bed. It's the weekend. Our days off. Our day of rest from the pack.
So we chose to retreat into the confines of the covers upon these days.
In all reality, it was easy to go to sleep within Atlas's arms.
Easy to find comfort within his scent.
In the beginning I was scared that my nightmares would wake him- forcing me to explain what I even had nightmares about in the first place.
But his scent. His warmth. His deep breaths.
All soothed me.
And I found myself peaceful within my slumber, for the first time in years.
He was forcing me into a better sleeping pattern also.
Grabbing and dragging me to bed when all I wanted to do was sit there all night and paint.
Some nights he would cave in, going to sleep while I shined a small light upon my canvas, working late into the hours.
I always wanted to paint his sleeping face.
I just could never bring myself to do it.
He slowly traced the dark circles under my eyes, "You don't sleep a lot, do you?"
I shake my head, "I have a hard time falling asleep."
"Even with me?"
"It's...better with you," I admit.
He smiles at that.
"Tell me about your mother."
The question throws me off.
"My mother?"
He nods.
"I've wondered about her since the day I met you and heard no mention of her."
We are going dangerously close to my secrets. I hesitate. This is the moment. If Mark were to see this, he would be pressing me to take ahold of it. Tell him.
"She passed away in a car accident."
Atlas looks at me, surprise clear in his face.
"I didn't think it would be something so simple."
I shrug. He can tell i'm uncomfortable. But Atlas has always chosen to push me further then I thought I could go.
"When did she die," we are whispering now.
"I was five at the time. Mark remembers some of her. I don't really."
"And your father?"
I look up at the ceiling. Just a week ago I painted a sunset on it. "He had two pups to take care of. He pushed through it."
There is a silence before I hear Atlas take a deep breath. A breath to prepare himself.
"My father also."
I shift over to look back at him. My eyes widening as I see the raw, visible pain in his eyes.
"My father also pushed through it. Because he had to take care of me."
"But Daisy is alive."
I'm not mad or angry that he is comparing the two situations. I'm not frustrated that Atlas has a mother while I don't. I've never known what a mother's love felt like, so in reality I did not know what I was missing.
But then again, Atlas was the same way also.
"She may as well have been dead," Atlas's cold voice has me shuddering, as he continues, "She left my father, then she left me to be taken care of by my father. All the while she was alive. Alive and well and choosing to avoid us rather than face father's possible rejection because she had left him."
My eyes widen from the truths and words Atlas is unloading and trusting me with. And from the dark reality of his sentence that vibrates within my mind.
"And then she just shows up. Out of nowhere. Coming back into our lives. Father was sick when she arrived. Sick because the pressure and absence of his mate was getting to him. And she just..." Atlas's eyes are wide in disbelief as his voice raises slightly, "Shows up."
"Atlas-,"
He interrupts me though, on a roll now that he is finally telling me his secrets.
"I dealt with it for a while. Maybe a year. If it made father happy then I wouldn't stop it. But then Father wanted me to go around our pack and see if any females were my mate."
My heart drops from my chest as I take in his words.
"And I couldn't do that. Because the last thing I wanted was a woman. Because I had already made up in my mind that they were cruel, manipulative creatures."
I reach up, desperate now as my hand cups his face.
He closes his eyes. But he needs to say more. Has more to say as he opens his mouth, "I went away to the training camp. I didn't need to go there but I thought- 'what's the one place where I'm certain to never run into a female?'
I can't breath as he opens his eyes to stare down at me.
"And then you showed up."
"Oh no...Atlas...I'm....," I choke on my own words as his hard eyes stare at me.
"Your scent was all over this one male. I could tell. I tried to stay away from him, but it...lured me back. And I was certain that he was your lover. Certain that you had not waited for your mate. That this was the female I was getting."
Mark. He was talking about Mark. He didn't want a female like that.
"He was your brother though," Atlas lets a breath of pent up air fall from him as he stares at me.
Waiting.
This is it.
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
'That this was the female I was getting'...
"I'm sorry I'm not what you want."
Atlas's eyes widen, "No Lexie. It's the opposite. You are all I want. I feel...safe with you. You are the one female I will trust. The one female I know who won't lie to me. The one female who is good and pure and-,"
Before he can say another word I'm off the bed, tears streaming down my face.
"Lexie?"
I shake my head.
"N-n-no," I continue shaking my head- continue to violently toss it side to side as I try hard to forget the words he just said.
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm not," my violent sobs continue as Atlas jumps out of the bed, concern etched upon every feature of his face.
"Lexie? Lexie! What's wrong?"
"No!" I shove him away- shove away his touch as he stumbles back, his face full of surprise and hurt.
"Don't touch me!" His eyes turn black, the anger drawing deep within them. The anger that I knew he always had inside.
"Lexie," he growls out my name but I run towards the door.
Can't breath. I can't breath.
"Lexie stop!" He grabs me before I can reach the handle.
And my sobs continue, even more violent than before, as I remember his words.
"No, don't touch me, please let go, please let go."
And he does.
I shake my head again as I stumble out the door and race out the pack house, meeting curious stares and hearing Lilah's shout of concern.
But I keep shaking my head to forget in that moment the words Atlas said, and the face that he held as he let go of my arms.
Please don't hate on me for what seems like a long dragged out confession of secrets (eeekk *avoids thrown bricks* I thought we said no more bricks!)
Anywho- This is called character development - though I'm sure you the reader must be frustrated (lol me the writer is also), I would like to point out that It's no fun having perfect characters. All the little flaws and scratches make them more real in my mind.
With that though! Thank you for reading so far! I love all the comments and support! Especially if you are a reader who has read 'Moon Child' (*sob* we've been through so much together guys)
Don't worry, these chapters all are leading up to a very special thing! (mwhahahaa)
Until next time,
Loves,
/////WORLD_JOY_/////