/'The saddest kind of sad is when your tears cant even drop and you feel nothing. Its like the world has just ended.
You dont cry, you dont hear, you dont see.
You just stay there.
For a second, the heart dies.'
-Anonymous/
Glaiza
"Alex, thank you talaga sa tulong ha. Mabuti na lang at may vacant pa dito sa dorm mo."
I place my black luggage bag on top of my new bed. I slowly summarize its content and settle them in, one by one.
The dorm is two blocks away from the hospital where i would spend my training. I meet my new friend Alessandra from the orientation two weeks ago. She's from another school but we're both training under the same hospital and batch.
She's moody and a bit tackless but she's nice. The room have two seperate single size bed with individual cabinet and study table. The rent includes water, electricity and internet connection, not bad.
"Are you okay Glaiza, you seem lost."
I bitterly smile, im really an open book. Trying to reflect this strong persona but my own self betrays me. I share my love mishaps with Alex, she listens with full attention. She now understands my on-the-spot move in.
"Pero Glaiza, isnt it a bit harsh, i mean they make out but wala pa naman nangyari diba?"
I pull the chair from the study table and sink myself in. Every bit of pain flashback before my very eyes, the sight of Rhian kissing the hell out of Katrina, i can almost hear silent moans at that time.
"Pero bakit ang sakit Alex? Bakit para akong pinapatay? If its just a harmless 'making out', then why am i hurting this way?"
Gumilid na ang luha sa mga mata ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil ayoko mawala sa akin si Rhian pero mas lalo akong nasasaktan sa tuwing nakikita ko siya. Parang literal na sinasaksak ang puso ko. Alex sit beside me and rub my back while the tears make its way out of my eyes.
"Im not a bad person Alex, she's the last person na gugustuhin kong saktan. But the pain is making me lose myself. I love her so much kaya ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Have you been cheated before Alex?"
I ask her in almost a sob, she signal me yes.
"You know the feeling of doubting yourself? Am i not enough? Anong kulang, saang banda? May mali ba? Sana sinabi mo para nagawan ko ng paraan, para na ayos ko, willing naman ako mag-adjust para makeep ka, bakit mo nagawa yun? Masakit dito Alex, masakit."
I start hitting my chest, mas okay pa masaktan ng physical kasi pagkatapos magpasa, mangingitim tapos wala na, pero ang emotional pain, it would not stop eating your body but it would eat away all that you are. Buong pagkatao mo wasak.
Kinausap din ako ni Mike, wala naman daw nangyari so wag na gawing big deal. Hindi ako sumagot, instead i walk out baka kasi pati siya masuntok ko. Gusto ko isumbat na kung sa kanya hindi yun big deal, pwes sa akin major deal yun. Iba-iba tayo ng level of pain and tolerance. No one can dictate kung ano ang big deal para sa akin at kung ano ang hindi. Nobody knows what i'd been through in my life kaya walang pwedeng magjudge if the 'no big deal making out' is eating away my soul. Ako lang ang nakakaalam sa lalim ng pagmamahal ko kay Rhian, ako lang at ang puso kong nasasaktan.
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Rhian
I hug Glaiza's blue hoodie jacket, ito ang suot niya ng una kaming magkita, the day that change both of us. I still remember how i was speechless with her standing in front of me, natawa ako habang pumapatak ang luha mula sa mga mata kong walang pahinga. Nakabaluktot ako sa ilalim ng kumot, since she left, the house specially this room turn gloomy. The pain of losing her is killing me but the memories in this room might kill me first.
"Knock, Knock."
Someone's at the door. I keep a deaf ear and dig myself on Glaiza's jacket. The person knocking walks in and sit on the left side of the bed. Im under the sheets but the scent suggest that its Katrina.
"Rhian, can we talk?"
Si Katrina nga, hindi ako umimik. I have nothing to say to her.
"Im sorry if it all end sour between you and Glaiza. Wala akong intensyon makasira ng relasyon. Im sorry for giving both of you pain, i know im partly to blame."
Naiiyak na ang boses niya while im crying my own under the covers.
"Sana hindi na lang yun nangyari, if i knew it would turn to this mess, sana may nagawa ako. I know how much you love each other and i totally understand her actions. Im still hoping for a happy-ever-after for both of you guys."
She tap my legs and walk to the door.
"I dont know where to start Kat, you see yourself how i beg for her to stay."
She take a deep breath.
"We hurt her Rhian, she have all the right to act the way she does."
She walk out and i was left with a swelling eyes and a dying heart.
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Rhian
I keep on looking left and right, i sink myself back on the aluminium bench and check my Timex watch, this hospital seems to be busy 24/7. Its 10:15pm, she should come out any minute from now. I check myself on the reflecting glass wall, my swollen eyes signifies the nights that i cry myself to sleep.
A group of interns giggle their way out of the elevator, one girl caught my attention the same time i caught hers. We stare at each other and for a second, my heart skip a bit.
She excuse herself from the crowd and approach me, with an arms length between us, i have this urge to wrap my arms around her.
"Rhi."
"Glai."
She hug me first and i instantly wrap my arms around her waist. I sink myself between her neck and shoulder. I miss her scent, i miss her totally. As the saying goes, 'You never appreciate what you have unless you lose it', that i know now.
My tears silently fall from my swollen eyes, im not crying nor sobbing, they just drip.
"Glai please, lets talk."
"Okay."
Her voice is as cold as the granite we are standing on.
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Rhian
The chapel light's were dim, gabi na din kaya wala na masyadong tao, tahimik ang paligid at ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay ang tibok ng puso ni Glaiza.
We sit side by side facing the altar. She look good in her green scrub suit, sa four weeks na hindi kami nagkita, malaki ang pinagbago niya. May mga marka ng ballpen ang kamay niya at medyo magulo din ang buhok niya, ang dating Glaiza na kilala ko, kunting tinta lang o dumi sa kamay, magsasabon na yan ng maigi at magaalcohol.
"Yes, i finally got over OCD."
Iba talaga ang connection namin ni Glaiza, iniisip ko pa lang, alam na niya. She look my way and smile, mas swollen pa ang mata niya compare sa akin.
"Kamusta ka Rhian? Its been a month."
Hindi ko inaalis ang tingin ko sa kanya, im memorizing every detail of her face.
"Ito, naghihintay kailan ka babalik."
Wala man lang reaction sa mukha niya, tumingin siya sa relics sa harap namin.
"Im also asking myself the same question Rhi."
Tears started to form in the corner of my eyes. I reach for her hand and kiss the back of it.
"Are you still mad at me Glai?"
She squeeze my hand, its the most honest gesture she ever done since the incident.
"I was never mad at you Rhi, i was hurt, thats two seperate things."
The first tear fall from my eyes. I look intently at her face, she use to be an open book but now, all i see is emptiness and coldness.
"I dont want to lose you Glai, please give us another chance. Hindi ko ginusto yung nangyari. Glai...you're my true love."
I hug her hand as if its the most precious thing in the world. Glaiza's holding back her tears. She reach something from her backpack, an envelope, more of a love letter.
She hand it to me and wipe the tears in her eyes.
"I have spend the last month writing this letter for you. Inside this letter is all the things my heart wants to tell you Rhi....im breaking up with you."
I could see our whole relationship flash before my very eyes. The first time we meet, our first night together, all those teasing. My face was as cold as hers, but tears keep on falling. My eyes are begging, my whole being is on the line.
"Glai...please, dont do this. Dont you love me anymore?"
"Its not a question of love Rhian, because i can look at you straight in the eyes and say that im madly inlove with you. I love you, thats why we have to break up...i need to go Rhian."
She stand up and grab her bag, as she's about to reach the door, Glaiza turn to me and said the words that would hunt me for the next 10 years.
"You would always have my heart Rhi, no matter where life takes me, ill still be this silly teenage girl that is head over hills with you. Im yours Rhian Ramos and you would always belong to Glaiza De Castro."
She walks out and i turn to the relics in front of me trying to find some reason to all of this.
I open the envelope and read the anatomy of Glaiza's pain.
"Dear Rhi,
I hate myself because i can't get myself to hate you.
I have a lot of questions in my heart, saan ako nagkulang Rhi?
Sa alaga? Sa pagmamahal? Sa sex? Sana nagsabi ka man lang, sana nagawan ko ng paraan, sana hindi tayo umabot sa ganito, sana binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon makabawi, kaya kong baguhin ang sarili ko para sayo Rhi, ganyan kita kamahal.
Sabi mo mahal mo ako, kung mahal mo ako hindi mo ako sasaktan, hindi ka makikipaghalikan sa iba Rhi.
Hindi mo gagawin ang bagay na dapat para sa atin lang.
I built my whole life around you, i made you the center of everything, kulang pa ba o napasobra na?
Yung pakiramdam Rhi na bawat kantang naririnig ko para akong pinatatamaan, yung sobra akong nakakarelate sa bawat lyrics kasi ganun siya kasakit.
Mas maganda ba si Kat compare sa akin Rhi?
Kailan niyo pa ito ginagawa? Nasarapan ka ba?
Pumasok ba ako sa isip mo habang hinahalikan mo siya?
Naisip mo ba ang mararamdaman ko kapag nalaman ko ang ginagawa niyo?
Sa pagkakataon na hindi tayo magkasama, kung ano-ano naiisip ko, napapapraning ako Rhi, i felt like everything you say is nothing but lies and betrayal.
This is not me, hindi ako ganitong klasing tao.
Masakit Rhian, parang lahat ng pag-asa meron ako nawala sa isang iglap.
Its making me question myself, i look at you and all i see is you making out with Kat.
I need to heal Rhian, we need to heal.
The pain is making me a bad person Rhian and im starting to hate myself because of that.
The pain is turning my love for you into a toxic that is poisoning both of us. I dont want to hurt you anymore Rhi.
That's why im breaking up with you, lets allow destiny to do its job.
I love you Rhian, always.
Love,
Glaiza"
I hug the letter while crying my hearts out, i look up to the holy person in the cross.
"Please...please..take care of her."
I kiss the pages of the letter.
"You own me Glai....you own me."