*Life's too short to even care at all, oh
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh*
-Young the Giant *Cough Syrup*
Chapter 22
I’ve always been able to bring light to any situation. Making jokes of things is just my way of dealing with them, but how could I turn this certain one into a joke? No, it wasn’t possible. With my best coping mechanism stripped away I was at a complete loss of what to do any more.
My dad has been in the mental hospital for weeks now. He’s been getting better. At least that’s what they tell me. How can I really be sure myself when I never even noticed anything was wrong in the first place? Keaton and I have been going to see him every day and he really does seem to be okay. But I just don’t know anything for sure any more.
Legally, Keaton and I can’t live on our own. I’m not eighteen yet and without our dad being around we don‘t have anyone to look after us. So, of course, Mads and James said they would take us in for the time being. This lasted until my fight with Dace. After that it just didn’t feel right to stay there any more and so I went back home and Keaton came with. Us living on our own won’t hurt anyone if they don’t know, so that’s how it’s been. Although, Mads stops by all the time to check on us any way.
Being the unorganized, totally unreliable girl that I am I didn’t think I’d really be all that good at taking care of Keaton and the house, but so far I’ve surprised myself. I’ve been spending practically all my time cleaning the house until it’s sparkling and cooking huge amounts of foods that neither of us even feels like eating. This is all really strange to me considering I’m the girl that hasn’t been able to see her bedroom floor for years because she refuses to clean up all the junk and clothes all over. Also, I’m normally more of a cereal person over anything that actually takes preparation. However, cooking and cleaning helps to make me feel useful. I want Keaton’s life to be as unchanged as possible. And, well, doing all this is a great distraction from what’s going on with my dad and also from Dace.
Saying that Dace and I had a fight isn’t really the right way to phrase it. There was no yelling or even arguing really. There was just a gradual distance forming between us, that I admit is completely my fault. He tried to comfort me about what’s going on, but comfort isn’t what I need right now. Distance is. I need to focus on what’s left of my family before I lose that too and not on a boy that I probably won’t be with in the end anyway. Staying away is the right thing to do right now. It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.
Whenever I run out of distractions and give myself too much time to think, my thoughts always travel back to Dace. I wonder if I’m being stupid, staying away. He definitely thinks so. At first he kept stopping by and calling, but eventually he realized I just need space right now. Deep down I know that this really has nothing to do with him or even with taking care of Keaton. I’m scared. It’s as simple as that. It seems like all the people I care about end up leaving me or dying. First my mom, then Wesley, and now my dad. I can’t lose Dace this way, so I’ll push him away. Because in the end this hurts less.
* * *
Time continues on. Summer comes to an end. By the time school comes around I hardly recognize myself any more. I’ve changed more this summer than I have in my entire life. Gone is the ditzy, sugar-obsessed, fun-loving girl from a few months ago. Smiling has become something I do only out of necessity. I can’t let my true emotions show because, to be honest, these walls I’ve built are the only thing holding me up by this point.
I’ve become responsible and very grown-up, which probably seems like a good thing. You would think every one would be happy with this change in me, but instead it only concerns them. Keaton is always trying to get me to do fun things and I do try for his sake, but I just can’t get into them the way I used to. Mads has been watching me carefully as well, obviously concerned at this newfound personality change. Even my father, who has since been released from the hospital and returned home, has noticed the difference in me. He’s tried again and again to get me to go out with friends, to do something, anything, telling me that he will be just fine when I get back. I have trouble believing him, though. After all I didn’t ever notice something wrong with him before and look how that turned out. While he seems good now and his doctor has reported great progress, I still can’t find it in me to leave him alone for long. As a result I haven’t left my house except to go grocery shopping a couple times.
There are times when I miss the way things were, the way I was before. So oblivious, carefree, and just plain young. I feel like the youth has been sucked right out of me. It was always such a large part of who I was, though, and so now I’m left to ponder what’s left and who that makes me now.
Another thought that weighs heavily in my mind is Dace. Again and again he’s tried to work things out. He tried to be there for me through everything, but I just couldn’t let him. To be honest he probably wouldn’t even recognize, let alone love, the person who I am now. It won’t matter anyway soon, with him leaving for college later today.
Even though I haven’t been seeing him or spending time with him of late, it’s still largely comforting to know that he’s always nearby. Sometimes I’ll try to picture him in his house, talking to Wes, watching TV, brushing his teeth. I’ve been to his house so many times I have no trouble at all conjuring up a realistic picture in my mind. Soon, though, he’ll be gone to a place I have no part of. As long as he remains in his home he still belongs to me in a way. I watched him grow up, I was there for it all. Once he leaves, though, he belongs to someone else that will share all his new experiences with him. Experiences that I won’t be apart of.
It’s completely my fault that we aren’t together and that I feel this way, but then again him leaving is exactly one of the reasons why we can’t be together. Dace is going to be out doing grown up things with his new friends in a world I have no part of and I have no doubt that sooner or later he’ll forget about me. He wouldn’t do it intentionally, but I know it would come eventually. I wouldn’t blame him either, but I just can’t stand to lose him this way. I’m too terrified to take the chance.
Even so, I can’t help but to look at the clock every few seconds, knowing that it’s getting closer and closer to when Dace will be gone. I’ve been trying to distract myself in every way I can, but there are some things that nothing can really distract from and this is definitely one of those. It’s so hard trying to pretend that I don’t care when every time I hear a car drive by I have to suppress the urge to press my face against the window on the off-chance that it’s him.
I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor for the third time that day when my father clears his throat to get my attention. I glance up worriedly with the same nervous look I get whenever my father’s around any more, like he might disappear before my very eyes if I’m not careful. However, right now he looks a hell of a lot more sane than I do.
“Ivy, I think the floor is clean enough. As a matter of fact I don’t think the whole house has ever been so spotless. Why don’t you take a break?” he suggests, but I only shake my head helplessly.
“There’s just this one spot I have to get,” I mumble and continue to scrub. My hands are raw and stinging by this point, but I ignore them as well as my father’s suggestion.
“Ivy. Ivy, look at me,” he urges. I glance up for a second, but only that. “This isn’t like you, Ivy. You’re the girl that would find every excuse possible not to help with chores and now this is all you do! It’s not healthy. You should be hanging out with friends or something. Keaton and I are worried.”
“I’m fine, alright? I’m not gonna try to kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about,” I snap bitterly, unable to stop myself. I suck in a painful breath, immediately feeling like shit for saying something so awful to him.
“I-I didn’t mean to say that. I’m just…I’m fine,” I say softly, avoiding his eyes.
“You’re not fine and it’s my fault. You’ve pushed every person you care about from your life, Ivy. That’s not fine. You’ve changed your whole personality and it’s scaring me.”
“I’m taking care of things! You were gone and Keaton needed me to step up and I did! It’s what mom would have done,” I retort and then angrily start scrubbing at that damned spot again.
“Oh, Ivy. You did great, okay? You did, but Keaton’s stronger than you think. He’s fine. And I’m here now, okay? Things can go back to how they were, you don’t need to take care of us anymore,” my dad tries to reason with me.
“And how do I know if I turn my back for two seconds you aren’t going to leave us again? Hm?” I demand and he regards me sadly.
“I know I’ve broken your trust again and again, but I’m not going anywhere. Not any more. I promise.”
“This,” he continues and motions to me. “isn’t what your mother would have wanted and you know that. She would want you having fun and to enjoy being young. You’ve done a great job taking care of things, but I got it from here.”
“But I…”
I finally look up at him, so much confusion and pain finally pounding it’s way to the surface. I start to cry and my dad sits down next to me, pulling me into his arms even though the ground is still wet from where I was scrubbing. He just holds me like this for awhile and it’s in this moment that I finally allow myself to fully confront my feelings. To this point I’ve been pushing it all back trying to maintain my cool and hold it together, but now it’s all rising to the surface.
Now is also when I let myself forgive my father for what he did. Not completely, I don’t know if I can ever truly get over what he did, but just a piece of our old relationship seems to fall back into place. There’s still a lot of work to do if things are to go back to how they used to be, but for the first time I have hope that maybe we can get there.
A little while later it hits me of what a colossal mistake I’ve made. I jump to my feet in a panic, scaring my father half to death with my sudden movements.
“What have I done?” I moan.
“Ivy?” my dad asks while looking at me like maybe I’m the one that belongs in a mental institution.
Before I can even begin to explain, Keaton pops into the kitchen and throws me a set of car keys while giving me a knowing smirk.
“I’d hurry if I were you. He leaves at three,” he tells me. A quick glance at the clock tells me that means I only have twenty minutes.
“Thank you!” I exclaim and then hug Keaton tightly.
“What are you waiting for? Go!” he replies. I can’t resist ruffling his hair just like old times before sprinting out the door leaving behind my very confused father. I don’t worry, though. Keaton will explain what I have to do. So, I leave with one thing on my mind and one thing only, Dace.
I can’t let him leave without telling him that I’m sorry for being such an idiot. Pushing him away from me was probably the stupidest thing I could’ve done. I should have let him comfort me throughout this time instead of holding all my emotions inside the way I have been. I don’t want to be the person I’ve become lately, all responsible and whatnot. It’s totally unlike me and being anything but me just isn’t going to work.
Living in fear isn’t going to work either. I’ve been so afraid of losing my dad or my brother and Dace that I’ve shut them out, Dace most of all. Yes, there is still a chance I could lose anyone of them at any given time whether it be through death or space or time, but that’s no reason to give up the now that I have with them. I only wish I could’ve figured this out a little sooner.
I’m so focused on my destination that I almost don’t see him. His house is still at least five minutes away and I’m afraid that this could be five minutes too late, but then as a car passes by me heading in the opposite direction I realize that it’s his car, Dace’s car.
Immediately I slam on the brakes, ready to turn around and follow him if I have to. Luckily, he noticed me as well and has pulled over. The second my car is parked I’m out of it, running towards him. I have to stop myself from jumping into his arms, not because I don’t want to, but because I’m not sure if he wants me to.
Dace doesn’t make any movements towards me and is jus standing there leaning against his car with an unidentifiable look on his face. I think it’s probably good that I didn’t throw myself into his arms after all. I was so sure about going to see him, but now I feel suddenly self-conscious.
“Dace! I was, uh, just coming to see you,” I mutter and gesture to my car and the road because I don’t know what else to do with my hands. Then I notice the luggage in his car through the window and I feel my stomach tighten. “Were you, uh, leaving?”
The answer is pretty obvious, so I don’t know why I felt the need to ask. I did feel the need, though. I needed to hear him say it I think.
“What?” he asks and then follows my eyes to his suitcase and things that fill his car. “Oh no…well, I mean yeah I am, but that’s not where I…I’m not leaving until later.”
Dace stumbles over the words, obviously as nervous about this whole situation as I am.
“Oh, right,” I say while trying to rack my brain for the right way to tell him everything I’ve been feeling and why things have gotten so weird between us. Explaining emotions is so hard, though, and I find myself wishing I could just show it all to him in some way. Before I can think of anything good he’s already started speaking again.
“I was, uh, actually on my way over to your house,” he admits somewhat shyly.
“You-you were?” I ask and then compress my lips together tightly while staring at him with wide, hopeful eyes.
“Well, yeah. You didn’t think I would just leave without saying goodbye, did you?” he says with a little shrug and then a cute little crease forms between his eyebrows. “Wait, you said you were coming to see me, too?”
“You didn’t think I would let you leave without saying goodbye, did you?” I mimic with a small smile that he returns. Only his fades away after only a second.
“I wasn’t so sure,” he murmurs.
“Dace, I-I’m sorry. For everything. I just…,” I trail off while shaking my head in frustration. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. So much of what happened was my own emotions getting in the way of me seeing things clearly.
“Stop, it’s okay. With everything that’s been going on you just needed space to process it all. I get it,” he replies.
“You do?” I ask hopefully.
“Of course, Ivy. I’d wait for you as long as you needed me too,” he replies while looking at me shyly. It’s a look I don’t see on him too often, but one that I like.
“So, what now?” I question him. Saying goodbye to him now seems like a cruel twist of fate. I only got to call him mine for a day before all the drama with my dad went down and now we might finally be reconciling right before he’ll go away.
“I guess we see where things go. I know that I want to be with you. And it’s only a two hour drive. Unless you don’t want…?” he trails off in a question and I stare back at him with clear eyes. For once in my life I’m absolutely positive about what I want.
“Of course I want you. I always have, I just didn’t see it until recently,” I tell him.
“So, this is it then,” he whispers as if he can’t believe it. A grin slides onto his face that I match with one of my own. Unable to resist I bring my lips up to meet his. With all the things that could go wrong in the next few months, this goodbye is bittersweet. However, if there was anyone I’d want to beat the odds for, it’s him. What happens from here, I don’t know, but in this moment I’m happy. In this moment I’m in love. And after everything, this is all I need to know that everything‘s going to be alright.
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Hey guys! So, I'm really sorry this chapter took so long and that it's really not even that good :/ I'm not really happy with the past few chapters, so I might go back and redo the entire ending of this book eventually, but for right now I'm leaving it as it is. After this there's just an epilogue so hopefully that ties things together better than this :)