Hello, my dears. Ok, two more chapters of angst, then we'll get to enjoy the weekend with happy chapters naman, just as I promised. Chapters 1-13 were crucial to lay the foundation on the strength of Dei's and Richard's feelings for each other. It would have been difficult to just narrate the back story without showing you how they survived through the difficulties of juggling college life and they feelings for each other.
Dei is what we know as a 'sigurista.' She's pragmatic to a fault, she wants to be absolutely sure of the things she would like to get into before throwing herself whole-heartedly into it. And once she is sure, she gives all of herself to that. This was evident in her sacrifice to relocate to Evanstonwaway from her family, to pursue her dream.
Sometimes our path strays away from our plan, and we wonder why it does, especially when what we want is not bad for us, nor will it harm anybody. Like maybe you're applying for a job you really like, or saving up for a house and lot in a nice location, and you feel devastated when you don't get what you pray for. The thing is, we need to see the positive in the things that happened to us, because there is always a positive angle.
I wanted to last longer in my previous job, and although I tried so hard to fit in, I just didn't. I wondered why it seemed God was not listening to my prayers, and why the nagging thought of leaving that job kept coming to mind. But where I am now, is a more stable company, better work team and the compensation is much better than where I came from. It's a job God gave that I never really asked for.
The next time things don't work out, don't lose hope. Pray for understanding and enlightenment, pray that you see His plan for you. There is always light at the end of the tunnel :)
It was their last day for the school year, exactly three days after that embarrassing incident in Richard's home. Richard wanted to follow Dei then, but Lei's hand needed medical attention. He drove her to the nearest hospital to get her hand stitched and took her home. A talk with Lei revealed that she mistakenly assumed that their togetherness was progressing into a real relationship after Dei remained unresponsive to his ploy of making her jealous. Thankfully, Lei was relocating to a different state.
What was wrong with them? Why did the universe seem to conspire against them being together? Could it be that God was telling him something? He was a firm believer of messages from God, and knew that there were times that God's plan for him was not exactly the same as what he felt he needed. After trying for close to a year of winning over Dei's heart, he decided to turn to God for guidance on how to proceed.
"Lord, show me the way. Give me a sign that there is a future for us."
But what sign should he ask for? What sign would be a clear indication that God had a separate plan for them both? He thought of their togetherness, their shared classes and break periods. The next term would be focusing on their specializations and he knew that Dei was choosing between screenwriting and fiction as her field of endeavor. He was already decided on pursuing fiction as his specialization.
"Lord, if she decides to choose fiction as her specialization, it can only mean we are meant to be together.
-----
Unknown to him, Dei was also battling with her own demons. She couldn't forget about that moment when she let go of her inhibitions and allowed them both to express their innermost feelings physically. It was a heady experience marred by the reality that he already belonged to someone else. Or did he? Was she wrong to assume he was in a relationship already?
She figured that his door was left unopen in Lei's rush to buy him some medication. Lei's shock at seeing them in such an uncompromising position brought back memories of how she felt when she saw Diane and Ron, in an even tamer scenario than what she and Richard were in. Her face heated up at the memory, and wondered what Lei thought of her.
Just then, her phone vibrated. It was a message from Richard, asking to see her at their favorite hangout at the lagoon. She smiled inspite of herself. She knew she was a lost cause, she assumed he was already in a relationship with someone else, but she was giddy that he had not forgotten her.
She was glad she looked nice today, and her hair was freshly washed and hanging loose. Her steps quickened till she was already running. She missed him and wanted to see him so badly. She stopped by the ladies' room to apply some lip gloss and brush her hair.
He was already there when she arrived, waiting by the side of the water, seated on the grass, staring pensively at nothing in particular. She quietly sat beside him and stared ahead as well. He was first to break the ice.
"Hi."
"Hello, Jay."
"How've you been?"
"Not really good. Still feeling a bit under the weather."
"I'm sorry. It seems we always need to apologize for something each time we meet. I intruded on a date. I didn't know she was with you."
"It wasn't a date, Dei. As you can see, I was sick. She dropped by to return a book and saw that I was sick, she stepped out to get me some meds. That's all."
"Does.......does she do that often?"
"Do what?"
"Visit you at home."
"Dei........I know what you're thinking. No, she doesn't. I don't bring girls to my place, she just went out of her way to return the book to me because I needed it for a project. She's also relocating, so please stop worrying about her, ok?"
"I felt so ashamed of what we did that day."
"Why?" He pulled her by the hand to move closer to him.
"I.......I thought she was your girlfriend."
"Dei........God.......what am I supposed to do with you? Why do you always assume the worst? How could I say those three words to you if I was already in a relationship with her?"
"I warned you I was pessimistic. I'm also paranoid."
He hugged her tightly and felt her hands slowly wrap around his middle.
"Are we ever going to reach an understanding about the two of us? About what we want?"
"I'm sorry, Jay."
"Stop. Let's just stop apologizing and just talk of more pleasant things."
He kissed her forehead and let her head rest on his shoulder.
"Yes, are you looking forward to going home for the term break?"
"Yep, I miss my parents and friends back home. Time to get some writing done too. What about you?"
"Well, I will be visiting my dad. And my mom and Kat."
"Hey, hug Kat for me."
"You and Kat are even closer than she and I are. Not that I'm complaining."
"She's not so bad, Dei. Try to be a better sister to her."
"I know, I know. She's actually getting good grades now."
"That's good to hear. Let's enjoy our vacations with our families. I think next term will be tough. So.........are you excited?"
This was it. The sign he was waiting for.
"Yes! I can't wait. Have you picked a Writer in Resident already? You must be excited, I heard the line-up for Fiction is quite impressive this year."
"Still deciding on that. How 'bout you?"
"I've decided to move forward with screenwriting. I......I guess we won't be together much next term."
She looked genuinely sad as she said that, but she couldn't guess what he was feeling. It was like his heart plummeted. He had asked for a sign and he got it. He tried to console himself, to assure himself that at least now he knew where they stood.
"Oh........uhmm.......I was counting on us still being together in class.......... But yeah, it's logical that you would pick screenwriting, I guess. It would bring you closer to Kat, do you realize that? You might even get to work together in the future."
"Are you ok, Jay? You look a little pale."
"I'm fine.........Still a little shaky from the fever I had. Glad you didn't catch it from me."
"Richard, about us—"
"Yes, Dei.........I'm......sorry I ever got in the way of your studies. You're right you know? We really should focus on our studies first. I let my emotions get the better of me and I apologize."
He stood shakily and pulled her up. He cupped her face and smiled at her, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. He didn't want her to see he was devastated with her decision to pass up on Fiction.
"I guess this is goodbye then. Enjoy your summer, Dei. I hope I still bump into you here. You'll always be in my heart."
Dei was also crying and clutched at his shirt. She gently wiped the tears that flowed from his face. She rose on tiptoe to touch her lips to his. He tightened his arms around her and deepened the kiss, memorizing the texture of her mouth and tongue, grasping at memories to take him through what he imagined would be empty days spent without her.
"Maybe someday........." She said, searching his face, asking for confirmation.
Two words that gave him hope. He suddenly got the message. In God's time, they could still be together, but that time wasn't now. It hurt that they would have to part but he was not losing hope. He would go back to her, as sure as waves that pull away from the shore yet rush back, he would keep coming back for her, until the time was right.
"Yes, maybe."
She smiled at him and cupped his face, her thumb tracing the indentation of his dimple. He hugged her closely one more time and kissed her cheek. Reluctantly, they disengaged and he left her there standing, looking at him helplessly.
She clutched her chest, unable to ease the pain. So it was really over. She had hoped he would try to talk her out of screenwriting and convince her to still pursue fiction. That was the sign she was waiting for.
I would have said yes, Jay. This time, I would have put you first.