Harry
Alex: the question is if she'll survive your snoring
Shit, I realize that I hadn't even thought about that. I had been quick to offer my room because it would be dickish of me to let her sleep on the couch. She better not moan about it.
Harry: Thanks for reminding me, but you dealt with it so should my own sister, right?
After what feels like five minutes of staring to my screen, seeing her profile go on and offline, I give up and put my phone down. Not much later my sister enters the bedroom that we have to share, looking at me. She doesn't look angry anymore and I know her well enough to remember that she never stayed mad long.
"I'm sorry for screaming," I tell her and she gives me a small smile before sitting down on the edge of my bed so that she can search her suitcase.
"Not for what you said?" She wonders, her back to me.
"I think he's a dick, but if you're sure that he can be trusted, then I'll behave."
"We had our troubles when we got together. I won't lie that he cheated on me on multiple occasions, but I believe he stopped after I threatened to leave him. I didn't leave everything behind to be with someone who wasn't fully committed. So he turned around, and after another year he asked me to marry him. Then some girl came forward claiming she had evidence that he cheated and of course wanted money. We never gave it because we knew that was something of the past and she sold it to the press. In the end it only brought us closer together. If anything, Harry, you should admire him instead of hate him. He changed for me, and I forgave him for his mistakes. I know you want that to happen for you and Alex, too."
Unsure what to say, I keep quiet. She's right about the last part. It was what I wanted to happen tonight. Or at least make a start at it and apologize to Alex.
"If you want to get back together with her, I suspect you fight for her or you're going to end up here. Hilarious if you ask me," Liz says and she must have finally decided on what to wear to bed because she stands up and starts to undress herself.
"That's never going to happen. In the end I'd want Alex back. She's the one."
"The question is if she wants that," Liz says, rightfully so. "Are you even in touch with her? I can imagine that she's a bit done with you after what you did."
"She is, I guess the only reason she still speaks to me is because of mum."
"Maybe that shitty situation can help in your benefit then."
"Who knows, either way, I'm sorry for what I said about Ben."
"I'm sorry for falling out to you, too, although I was glad we were having a conversation. Even if it was a fight. I have missed you, Harry. You don't even know how much."
"I missed you, too," I admit to her.
"I have wanted to speak to you so many times, and then if I saw you, I couldn't. Afraid of your reaction. Your judgement has always meant a lot to me, and I knew that you hated Ben. I have always cared about what other people think of me and want to please everyone and it has gotten me into many complicated situations and I'm sorry for the ones where I didn't choose you. It's why I kept you out of my life a bit, and didn't invite you to our engagement party. That was wrong of me, but you also hurt me a lot when you said you no longer considered me your sister. Because I have always loved you like my brother."
"I'm sorry for saying that. I was just so done with it all, and I hated that I was always the one to reach out to you. It was as if you no longer needed me," I admit to her and she gives me an apologetic smile.
"I needed you, I was just scared to ask."
"Well, we're here now. As punishment I'm going to sleep and snore so hard you're going to wish you'd taken the couch."
She looks sad as she must remember that I snore and I can't help but laugh a bit. "I'll pinch your nose if it gets too much."
"Never stopped me, but you can try. Good night, Liz."
"Good night," she says and she lays down, taking her phone to probably text her husband.
For a second I envy her because my phone is still empty. I place it under my pillow and drop down, falling asleep almost immediately after.
****
It's pitch dark when I wake up from yet another dream about Alex. The last days they changed from nightmares to dreams to nightmares again. Tonight was another dream, although it could be called a nightmare for me because she wouldn't speak to me in my dream. At least she wasn't choking me. That's what usually wakes me up, but this time it is the buzzing of my phone. Quickly I pull it out to see several messages.
Abby: everything okay with your sister?
I'll stop by later tomorrow to see how your mother is doing.
Since Abby sent it just after I fell asleep I think it is inappropriate to text her back in the middle of the night. My sister is vast asleep and the alarm tells me it is three A.M, so I'm surprised to see that the other messages are from Alex and they're recent. They woke me up.
Alex: depends if she is a vast sleeper.
i like it for different reasons
Alex: how are you two able to sleep so close anyway
Harry: We made up and there's no more room in this house. What keeps you up so late?
Alex: just got home from a night out
Alex: i only had three shots and i'm drunk of it. the joys of not drinking
Harry: Was it a good night out?
I can't help but feel a ping of jealousy, picturing her dancing and laughing with Liam. He still gets to me. Although I'm not even sure if she went with him. For all I know she has a new group of friends and is building a life with people who are strangers to me. The more I think about it, the more I want to know.
Alex: it was okay
Harry: Who did you go out with?
Alex: liam and nina and her friends.
it was sort of fun, but nothing will compare to palas
but i guess those days are over
Although I appreciate that she's texting me, I can't help but ask her one question that might upset her and make her stop answering me so quick. It is the only thing that is on my mind right now so I take the risk.
Harry: Did you kiss anyone?
Alex: no
Harry: Okay, good. You are allowed to of course
Alex: so are you
Harry: I haven't though.
She doesn't answer as quick and I try to come up with something else to say just to keep her talking and then I remember why I intended on texting her in the first place.
Harry: I'm really sorry for all I did. I don't think I have apologized properly yet.
Alex: and a text is your way of apologizing properly?
Harry: No, but I feel it is my only way of talking to you.
I'd invite you up here if I thought you'd want that.
Alex: don't think we should do that
i'm just trying to get on with life. but i appreciate the gesture.
If my sister wasn't here asleep, then I would have screamed out of anger. She's moving on. She's moving away from me. I fucked up, but then again, I fucked up before and it took us years to find our way back to each other. I have to give her time and a chance to get over me. She deserves it, no matter how much I want her back in my life.
Harry: I understand. Just know that I love you, miss you and am sorry.
Alex: its okay. really
Alex: how is your mother doing
I do notice that she doesn't return my words, but I guess I should be happy that she's even talking to me and trying to interact.
Harry: Had a barbeque tonight for everyone. I think after tonight things might go really fast.
Alex: how awful. was it some sort of goodbye party?
Harry: Sort of. I met my uncle and made some sort of peace with my sister.
Alex: and with your mother?
Harry: A bit.
Alex: use your time that you have left with her, please.
Harry: I am. It is almost nice to be here.
Alex: i'm sorry i can't be there with you
i hope that despite all you know that you can reach out if you need me
maybe there is someone by your side that is helping you
but if not, you were there for me, and i should be there for you
With every new sentence she sends, she makes it harder for me to keep my eyes dry. That she will try to be there for me even when she's trying to move on with her life makes me emotional. She probably feels guilty because I was there for both her parents deaths, but she doesn't has to repay the favor only because of that. I don't deserve it, but it is exactly why she's texting me.
Harry: You don't have to be there for me because of our history, but thank you, that means a lot.
Alex: hope you sleep well
Harry: I will now. Thank you for texting me back.
Alex: you're lucky that i'm drunk
Harry: I am. Sleep tight.
Alex: goodnight
****
"Your snoring is insane."
If it were a different time than I would have thrown my pillow at Liz, but right now I'm too tired to move at all. I barely slept after Alex and I ended our text-conversation. Thinking if I should just call her, beg her to come because I can't deal with this alone, but using her like that would feel so wrong. I need to be honest with her, and let her find her own way back to me. If there's even a chance of that happening. I could fight for her like she asked me to, but it would only push her away. She isn't going to believe a word I say anyway. It might take me another three years to find a moment in time to fight for her again, and she might be in a proper relationship with someone else then, but for now I need to focus on everything that is happening in this house.
"Deal with it," I murmur, turning around in my bed, away from her.
"I slept great nevertheless. This air mattress is a lot more comfortable than it looks. Brilliant."
"Just go and make breakfast."
"I haven't done that in forever. Remember when we'd get up together on Sunday morning, both hungover just to get a nice English top breakfast made by- what was her name?"
"Susan," I tell her.
"Those were the days," Liz says.
"I barely remember them," I admit. "I remember it as something awful."
"It wasn't all the time. We would have fun with it. Obviously with Kate. The three of us had a lot of fun."
"Until you decided that mother was more important than Kate, or me."
"I never decided that," Liz says, and I can feel another argument coming up. "I loved Kate, sure, but she always loved me more. I was just seeking attention of any kind and it stayed like that after Kate for a while as well. She just wasn't worth jeopardizing everything and I realized that then. It had nothing to do with you."
"You choose money over love."
"I didn't choose a thing, Harry. And it was my life, so bless you for standing up for me, but in the end it is up to me. Just like with my husband now."
"Are you even a lesbian or was that just some thing to use over mum and dad?"
"I loved Kate, but I never put a label on it. She made me happy at the time, but I couldn't give her what she wanted."
"Whatever."
"The best comeback there is," Liz says, getting up from her bed. "Because you're such a twat, I'll make you breakfast."
"Do you even know how to use a stove?"
"Times changed, Harry. I learned a thing or two over the years."
And sure enough, by the time I reach the kitchen, it smells of bacon and eggs and they don't look burned as she places them on two plates. I'm scared to go look at my mother and I guess Liz is as well. It feels like she could die any moment now, and we're ignoring it just for a second longer.
"Who knew you had it in you. We never needed Susan," I tell Liz and she gives me a smile that makes me instantly happy. I can tell that me being kind to her makes her feel a lot better. It is a bittersweet situation, because it will only last a while. I wonder how much we'll talk once the one factor that ties us together leaves us for good.
"Let's eat it first and then we'll check on mother, okay?"
"Yeah," I mumble, my appetize disappearing, but for Liz's sake, I eat my plate empty.
After we've cleaned the entire kitchen and still haven't heard a mumble from mum's room, we finally find the strength to walk up to her. The door opens with a creak and there we find our mother, breathing steadily.
"Fuck," Liz mutters, and I too feel myself tremble. For some reason I really had thought that after last night it would be over, but instead she's still alive and breathing and it hits me hard that soon she won't be.
Without really noticing Liz wraps her arms around my neck as she turns her back on mother and I comfort her while I cry too.