TALK ME DOWN
TROYE SIVAN
"you've moved on pretty quick," yuri laughed, his voice back to that same teasing tone victor knew wasn't his yuri.
he's not yours.
victor looked up from where he was sitting on the bed with his head against the headboard, and saw yuri holding sara crispino's lipstick in his hands.
"you're one to fucking talk," victor replied, and yuri smiled, bit his bottom lip and put it back down on the dresser. then he moved around the room he'd been in only two weeks before, reading that yellow book in the window sill illuminated by white daylight, fingers with nails no loner painted lilac brushing over the different surfaces.
and victor couldn't take his eyes off of him as he looked around the room, which was lit by streetlights only with its own lights off at that time of night; he couldn't take his eyes off of the shape of his body, the way he walked, the way his hair brushed his face every time he turned his head.
victor thought that the pain in his chest was sure to kill him quicker than the toll the drugs would surely have on him one day.
"did i leave this here?"
victor surfaced, and looked over to where yuri held his yellow book in both hands, skimming softly over the page who's corner was turned - victor knew it was page 98, where the "a" of "sea" ran into the sentence's full stop.
"yeah," victor said, sitting up in the bed with a faint rustle of soft white bedsheets. "yeah, you did."
"hm."
yuri put down the book, and turned to look over at victor on the bed.
victor watched how his soft, dark, dark hair brushed his face.
"i'm guessing whoever's lipstick that is isn't the only girl you've been with since i left," yuri said, and victor raised an eyebrow.
"why are you guessing that?"
yuri smiled under his breath.
"because you've got boys and girls throwing themselves at you, haven't you, the victor nikiforov?"
"there's that fucking nostalgia again."
"i'm guessing you've been smoking weed too, huh."
"why are you guessing that?"
"i don't know."
the silence resumed again, and yuri leant back against the dresser once more.
"so i'm right then, am i?" he said with a wry smile, looking over at victor with dark hair in his eyes.
"right about what?"
"that there've been others since me."
victor didn't answer. yuri bit his bottom lip and kept his slight smile.
"knew it," he said softly, and crossed his ankles once more. victor watched him. "anyone i know?" yuri went on, still teasing. "chris?"
"god...i should've let chris fuck me..."
victor raised his eyes to yuri's, and swore that their look had changed.
"yeah," he said, and the silence took up the bare, cold space of the bedroom with yuri'a yellow book on the dresser.
"would you believe me if i said i thought of you," victor murmured, catching yuri's attention from the bedsheets, "when i was with them."
yuri smiled, and shook his head a little.
"would you believe me," victor went on, "if i told you that i thought of you...when i came...when i was with them."
"you did? every time?"
"every time. every time, i was thinking of you."
"you're lying to me," yuri teased, but his voice was softer than it had been before.
"i wish i was."
yuri gave the hint of a laugh.
"i guess i'm supposed to be flattered. i came up so high in the victor nikiforov's books."
yuri gave a short laugh, picking lint off of his coat.
"i'm definitely worth more than twenty."
"yuri - " victor started off, but yuri nodded his head.
"sorry," he said. "that was a low blow."
silence again. victor wanted another cigarette and wanted to kiss yuri's mouth. yuri uncrossed his ankles.
"would you believe me if i said i love you, yuri katsuki?" victor asked the dark-haired boy in the dun-coloured coat, face illuminated only by the streetlights outside the bedroom, lighting up the night-lit streets.
diamond👄: i'll let you kiss my neck again
diamond👄: if you ever happen to fall in love with me
diamond👄: until then
diamond👄: i'll let you kiss my lips
victor💋: you won't believe me if i say that i love you, yuri, will you?
"after what you just said," yuri said quietly, with nothing more than a trace of a smile on those soft lips. "no."
"after what i just said?"
"about thinking of me when you fucked other people. thinking about me when you came."
"i love you."
yuri dropped his hand from the dresser, and looked out of the window, at the streetlights' glow.
"do you want to see me wearing lingerie?" he said, still not looking st victor. "red lingerie."
victor looked at him confusedly, lighter in his pocket digging into his legs. he waited to see what yuri would do, and watched him turn his head, soft, dark, dark hair brushing his face.
"do you want to fuck me in red lingerie?" yuri said bluntly, and victor heard his voice break at the end of the sentence. yuri breathed in sharply once again as if to cut off tears, and victor got to his feet.
"fuck me then," yuri said, almost laughing, eyes shining with tears. before victor could touch his arm, he stepped back, hair in his eyes. "go on, fuck me."
victor was trying to hold his shoulder, but yuri was pulling away from him, voice shaking as if he were crying.
yuri, stop.
yuri, stop.
i love you.
"are you trying to say i only want to fuck you, yuri? don't - "
"by what else does anyone want with me?" yuri laughed, breathing in sharply to stop the tears again and running a hand through his hair. "akio tanaka wanted to see me in red lingerie, luca fucks other people, comes back and fucks me - "
"yuri - "
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
"go on then," yuri repeated, voice getting softer, more tearful, as he stood only inches away from victor now. "why don't you just fuck me, huh? i figure we both need it. just fuck - "
victor couldn't stop himself from kissing yuri katsuki.
hands either side of his face, the scent of bubblegum, soft lips, silence, dark hair brushing his fingers, eyes closed.
i love you.
victor took his lips away from yuri's, but the two of them stayed exactly where they were; faces inches away from each other's, yuri's hair brushing victor's fingers, breathing slow and shaking.
"i was right," yuri whispered. "you have been smoking weed. i can taste it."
the both of them laughed shakily, so close to each other.
"did that feel like i just wanted to fuck you?" victor murmured, fingers brushing yuri's soft, dark, dark hair. yuri closed his eyes, sending two tears down his cheeks and under victor's fingers, before he sighed and leant his head against victor's shoulder.
before he knew it, victor was golfing yuri katsuki once again, after two weeks, and god, did it still feel just as good to hold him. yuri's body was in his arms, head in his shoulder, dun-coloured coat under victor's hands as he hesitantly put his arms around yuri, leant against him, lips aching to kiss the top of his head, yuri's hair brushing the side of his face as he held him there, lit by the light of the streetlights.
yuri didn't know what he was doing, but it felt so good to be so close to victor nikiforov after two weeks, to breathe in his scent of vanilla, aftershave and lemon instead of luca's cologne which was on his neck.
diamond👄: i'll let you kiss my neck again
diamond👄: if you ever happen to fall in love with me
"yuri - "
"don't," yuri murmured into victor shoulder, not wanting to have to open his eyes, not wanting to have to lose the feeling of being so close to victor. "please. don't."
victor stroked yuri's hair with fingers who hated how hesitant he was.
and all because he'd hurt yuri katsuki instead of shown how much he loved him.
"everything started to fall apart once you left," he whispered, soft, dark, dark hair between his fingers. "it really fucking did."
yuri laughed tearfully, and sniffed hard.
"i know," he whispered back, voice scarcely audible, and was clinging to the feel of victor's shirt - bearing his scent - against the cheek where there was a fading bruise that was taking a long time to heal.
"i let akio tanaka have sex with me," yuri said into the darkness of the bedroom, the night air still as water.
"i tried to kill myself," victor replied, breathing in the scent of bubblegum to try and comfort himself, to kid himself he wouldn't lose the feeling of holding yuri katsuki so close to him.
"i went to therapy," yuri whispered, letting tears fall without brushing them away; he didn't want to move from where he victor's arms, didn't want to lose that feeling like he knew he was going to have to.
"so did i," victor laughed bitterly, daring to kiss the top of yuri's head. yuri smiled into his shoulder, tears making his eyes sting.
"what did you say about me?" he asked, sniffing again and breathing out shakily.
"that you smelt of bubblegum. what did you say about me."
"the same. vanilla, aftershave and - "
"lemon."
"lemon."
there was another silence, but it was a different kind; not a want of words or the hesistation before touch, but a want to say there, so close to each other, knowing that they couldn't stay that way forever. not after everything, waiting for them under the water.
"he can't love you like i love you, baby," victor murmured against yuri's shoulder, breathing in the scent of bubblegum.
yuri was crying into victor's shoulder, but too quietly for victor to hear him. he breathed in slow through his nose, stepped back, and smiled sadly at victor.
"it's late," he said, clearing his throat, traces of tears catching the streetlights. victor arms started to ache again.
"stay with me," victor said, smiling faintly at the fucking nostalgia, and yuri laughed tearfully, slipped his hands in the pockets of his dun-coloured coat, and lingered for as long as he could before heading towards the door.
"yuri," victor said, his whole body screaming for him to say something, anything, so as not to lose his angel again. yuri turned back, one hand on the doorframe, his whole body screaming for him to stay with victor nikiforov.
"do you believe me when i say i love you?" victor said, his voice wearing thin due to the pain in his chest. yuri smiled a little again, and leant his head against the doorframe.
"yes."
victor laughed hollowly.
"then stay with me," he said, and yuri looked at him with those chocolate eyes, speaking words he couldn't begin to say, before shaking his head.
"i can't," he said softly, smiling slightly. "i can't."
"why?" victor asked, taking a few steps towards yuri before the pain in his chest stopped him going any further.
"because even though i know my boyfriend is fucking other people and then fucking me too, at least it doesn't hurt. not like what loving you does. because that fucking hurts, victor."
yuri took a shaking breath, and victor just wanted to hold him again.
more than he wanted a fucking hit.
"loving you fucking hurts, victor," yuri said again, eyes still shining with tears, biting at his bottom lip.
"don't do that," victor said quietly, the pain in his chest taking all sound away. yuri looked up at him. "don't. it'll hurt you."
yuri smiled at him with tears in his eyes, and the both of them were crying without doing a thing to stop it.
"do you want to see me in red lingerie?" yuri said, still leaning against the doorframe, and victor laughed, tears making their way slowly down his face.
"would you still believe i love you if i said yes?"
victor smiled, and sniffed hard.
"yes."
yuri laughed, and wiped the tears from his face quickly.
"is this going to happen again," victor said, voice so, so thin because of the fear of never holding his angel again.
he's not yours.
but yuri nodded.
"why not?" he laughed, tears still shining in the light of the streetlights. "why not, huh?"
his voice got quieter.
"i figure we both need this," he added, "don't we."
victor nodded, and smiled at him with so much pain in his chest that he felt like he was drowning.
"call me," yuri said quietly, hands going into his coat pockets again, before turning to go.
"i deleted your number, remember?"
yuri paused, looked back over at victor, and smiled.
"of course you did."
he went over to the dresser, and picked up sara crispino's lipstick.
"yuri, what are you - "
"this is all such a fucking cliché," yuri said, taking the top off of the lipstick. he turned to look at victor, and smiled a little. "so i'll play on that."
then he started to write his number in that dark red lipstick, in the corner of the full-length mirror on the wall. victor watched him, watched the numbers stain the mirror in sara's lipstick, watched the soft, dark, dark hair fall into yuri's eyes as he signed it with an "x" under his number.
"call me," yuri smiled, turning back around, voice as teasing as it had been back in chris's penthouse, tears still glinting like diamonds in the streetlights.
"you're not like this," victor said simply, pain in his chest, body starting up a cry for cocaine. "you don't tease like this. i know you."
yuri smiled sadly, put the top back on sara's lipstick, and handed it to victor.
their hands didn't touch. god, victor wished they had.
"this'll happen again then, huh," victor murmured, and yuri gave him a beautiful, sad half-smile one the verge of teasing; yuri's smile.
"call me," he said, heading for the door once more in his dun-coloured coat.
"so you'll see me again," victor said after him, "but you just won't fall in love with me."
yuri paused, just outside the bedroom door.
"how could i fall in love with you," he said softly, "if i'm already in love with you, vitya."
victor listened to the sound of his footsteps going down the stairs, the front door closing behind him, and watched him from the bedroom window as he walked down the streets, lit by the same streetlights that had watched him go two weeks ago.
except this time, yuri katsuki looked back, even if only for a second.