Alex
The steps doctor Collins gave me are suffocating me to the max. I was doing fine before, and even managed to have a rhythm and goal for every day. If I didn't feel like doing something, Liam would help me and eventually I would be able to do it alone. But that were all small tasks, like cleaning my room, or going for a walk. This finding out about my heritage and potentially talking to a criminal is so much bigger. And what do I want to know?
It's true that since I started therapy, and before that as well, I have been curious about my mother. Wishing she was still around so that I could ask her if she experienced things the same way, and find out what she did about it so I at least knew what not to do with my life. The possibility of talking to someone about her never crossed my mind. My family on that side is partly a mystery. I only know my grandmother that passed away shortly after my mother left us. I don't know anything about aunts, uncles or cousins, and I don't want to know about them.
Still, it is tempting to talk to Rob. He's the only one I sort of know that has spent all his time with her from the moment she stepped foot out of our home. He cared for her, and he was kind enough to call me himself and give me a short explanation of what happened to her. If he was able to call me, I must be able to get in touch with him some way.
But even then, what do I ask? It's a question that runs through my mind for the rest of the week. Making me feel off and worrying Liam. He doesn't say much, but I can tell that another downfall on my behalf would maybe be the end of his patience. He might not be able to pull me through another hard period, and I don't blame him. I'm a mess even when I'm at my best so I try to continue with my life as it is.
That also means trying to make something of my social life so instead of going to Manchester, Thomas agreed coming to London. He's hinting towards a meeting that has to do with the heatwave, saying it would be a shame to spend our time in a city. I agree, but am not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Doubts should be enough to stop so I'm not quite sure why I simply don't.
"What's on your mind?" Liam asks as he sits down next to me in the kitchen.
"Thomas, I think he wants to take me on a date."
"A date?" Liam wonders. "So you are trying things again then?"
"No, we're going on a 'date', Liam," I answer using quotation marks. "We're definitely not trying things again. It's only a meeting. I want to take things slow."
"Let's see how long that will last," Liam says. I know he's dying to ask where that leaves me and Harry, but he keeps his mouth shut. Which is good because I don't have a clue. "Do you need to eat? There's some left. We weren't sure if you'd eat with us."
"I'm just going to take a shower and call it an early night," I tell him, not mentioning that I haven't eaten anything since lunch.
"It is a Saturday and me and Nina are both free tomorrow. We were thinking of going out. Want to join us?"
"Just the two of you? I don't like third wheeling," I say, but Liam shakes his head indicating that I shouldn't even worry about that. It makes me doubt. A good night out might help me keep my mind of things.
"No, some friends of Nina are coming along as well. I think you'd have fun."
"Well, maybe. Where would we go?"
"Somewhere other than this shithole. Come on, Lee. We haven't had a proper good night out in forever. Please come with? I wouldn't have fun without you," Liam says, begging me with his eyes.
"Liam doesn't like my friends," Nina says, entering the kitchen.
"That's not it," Liam interrupts, standing up to prove a point. "I miss Palas for fuck's sake. I just want a good night out and I have that if Alex is there. Do you have a problem with that?"
Nina looks to me and then back to Liam and it is clear to me that they spoke about this before. She has always claimed to like me so doubt that it has to do with the fact that Liam wants me to go with them.
"I don't want you guys fighting over if I should come or not. What is this about anyway, don't you want me to come?" I ask Nina and she shakes her head.
"That's not it. It is the fact that Liam rather be in Palas than here. Right?"
Liam looks a bit torn between me and Nina, but then shakes his head. "You know I'd rather be here with you," he whispers to Nina and I see it as my cue to move myself to the bathroom so that they can continue fighting or make things up. Even if we don't go out, I'll need a shower.
By the time that I'm ready to either put on some makeup or my pajamas, Nina and Liam seem to have made up a bit because she joins me in the bathroom to perfect her signature eyeliner.
"We're going, and you should come too. I guess I have been keeping Liam a bit to myself. He misses going out, especially with you."
"Are you upset about that?"
"No, not like you probably think now. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just scared sometimes that he'll leave to go back, and he said that he missed going out with you, I took it as if he misses Palas."
"He does miss it, doesn't mean he's ever going to live there again."
"And you?" She asks, looking over to me instead of to her reflection.
"I'm not sure. But even if I'd ever go back there, Liam wouldn't just blindly follow me. God, he loves you Nina. I didn't expect you out of all people to be insecure about it," I tell her, hoping I don't offend her with it.
"I'm not some superwoman. Even I have my insecurities. Although I'm flattered you apparently see me as someone who doesn't have a reason to be insecure."
"Take it as a compliment, it is meant as one. So we're fine? I can come with?"
"Of course. I think we all deserve a good night of drinking, although, well except you," she says stumbling over her words. "You know what I mean. A good night out without it being a party for someone. Just because we can, and we're young right?"
"Young enough," I say back, ignoring her reminding my strike of alcohol. I hadn't even thought about that.
After some more small talk and deciding which club would be best, I leave her in the bathroom to get dressed. When I'm in my jeans and bra looking for a nice top, Liam opens the door and sits down on the edge of my bed. He makes sure not to look at me as I go through my clothes, wishing I had spent more time on my choir for this week which was organizing my closet.
"This okay?" I ask him holding a t-shirt in front of my body.
"Everything you own is fine. Look, I'm sorry you had to hear that. I didn't want you to be in the middle of it."
"It's okay, Nina explained. This one maybe?"
The next top is much more revealing, while the one before that was a bit boring. "This one is better," Liam says and I can't help but laugh.
"Thanks," I say, putting it on. "Do you want to go back to Palas?"
"No, not really. I just want to live a little bit more. When is the last time we did this?" He asks and I shrug my shoulders, not remembering a time we ever went out since we live in London again. "Exactly. And how many times did we do this in Palas?"
"Almost everyday. I get your point, Liam. But London isn't Palas. We wouldn't even be able to afford living the lifestyle we had there, here. Just enjoy tonight."
"Oh, I will. Are you going to drink?"
"We'll see. Doctor Collins gave me the okay, as long as he feels I'm not abusing it."
"Just let me know, okay? I'll keep an eye out."
I nod to him and we both continue getting dressed and an hour later we're all out of the door, taking the bus to Soho where Nina's friends are already in a club. As I look up to the large building that vibrates because of the loud bass, I'm almost scared to go in. It really has been long since I went to a club. Pubs are something other than this and with sweaty hands I enter it with Liam and Nina by my side.
Inside everything is dark and lights bounce up and down the walls. There's smoke and loud music fills up my ears. It doesn't take us long to find Nina's friends and I recognize some of them. After a small round of introductions, I find myself standing with Liam for most of the time. Neither of us really having fun.
"This is shit," Liam says. "We used to be able to have fun."
"We grew old, I suppose."
"Guess so. Want to take a shot?" He wonders and I immediately know the answer.
"Let's, yes."
It takes us three shots to finally get in the swing of things, and we even manage to dance together. Me and Liam slowly finding back our ways of clubbing. It is strange to feel the alcohol flow through my blood, making me move to the music and even talk to some of Nina's friends. There's a girl named Grace that I tell about my exes that constantly cloud my mind and she tells me about her ex that she was hoping to see tonight. It gives us plenty to talk about, dance on, and in the end both me and Liam manage to have fun. It is why I don't notice Thomas's text until I'm at the toilet.
Thomas: like my outfit?
Attached to it is a photo of him wearing his uniform that is a simple black jeans and a tank top that looks rather mundane on him. He can pull it off though. Earlier today he texted me that he needed to work in a club in Manchester similar to the one I'm now.
Alex: how sexy although there is only one uniform i prefer on you
He doesn't text back and I suppose he's at work so I continue my pee, surprised when my phone rings rather quickly. Shocked when I see who it is.
Harry: The bed is mine, the mattress my sisters.
Please tell me I'll survive.
Harry also send a picture with his text and I'm not sure if it was his intention but on it is a part of his naked belly, the sheets of his bed that he's lying in only reaching to the waistband of his boxers. On the ground I can see part of a mattress that must be his sisters. I stare at the patch of skin for too long, fascinated by his tattoo's. I realize that it still makes my stomach flutter.
Alex: the question is if she'll survive your snoring
A loud bang on my door prevents me from reading his quick response and I get up quick, leaving the bathroom to find Liam.
"Harry's texting me," I tell him.
"Why?"
"Something about his sister."
"So? Don't text him back."
"What? No, I want to text him. His mother is dying, Liam. If he wants to talk about his sister, then I should listen right?"
"You're asking me?" He wonders, his eyebrows raised.
"I don't know who else to ask, Liam."
"If you're only being nice to him because his mother is dying, then I don't think you should give him attention. If you are being nice to him because you care about him, then you should text back."
"What a fucking dilemma," I mumble, and although Liam can't hear, he must be able to read some of my words from my lips, because he smiles, knowing he has me cornered.