Once upon a time, there lived an ornithologist who ruled wisely and fairly over his bird cages, fossils and scientific notes. It just so happened that this ornithologist was also a king, who occasionally had to rule over a thing called "kingdom", but this little detail escaped him most of the time.
One day, while walking in his garden, he saw, far overhead, a golden flash pass by. And when gazing through his telescope, he saw that it was a beautiful golden bird—the most beautiful bird he had ever seen in his life.
"If only I could have that bird in my collection," he exclaimed, so agitated that his crown fell off his head, "It would be my crowning achievement!"
But he could not simply leave all his dear birds alone to go chasing after this one. So what could he possibly do?
And suddenly, a brilliant idea struck him. Half an hour later, the king was lying in bed under a mountain of blankets, with all the priests and healers of the kingdom gathered around him. When his three sons entered, they immediately rushed towards him.
"Father! What is wrong?"
He weakly gestured for them to keep back. "Don't come—cough, cough!—any closer—cough, cough! I'm at death's door, and probably highly contagious. Argh, argh, it hurts so much, groan, whimper, whimper."
The two elder sons fell to their knees, overcome by sorrow. The youngest, and somewhat more intelligent one, Prince Juan, however, crossed his arms in front of his chest. "So you are at death's door, are you? Does it have an interesting door knocker?"
The king threw him an irritated look. "Don't interrupt! I'm dramatically dying over here!"
"So sorry, father. Do carry on."
"Hm, where was I...? Ah yes. Cough, cough, groan! I am so sorry that I have to depart from you so soon, my dearest children."
"It's not that soon, actually. You took your time."
That remark earned Prince Juan another irritated look, but the king didn't let himself be interrupted this time. "My healers assure me there—Groan!—is no hope. I am lost. I shall die a prolonged and—cough, cough, argh!—painful death over the next few days, and not all their arts of medicine can save me."
"Oh no, father!" Exclaimed the oldest son. "Isn't there anything we can do?"
"Yes," added the second-oldest son. "Can we not save your life somehow?"
The king shook his royal head sadly. "No. There is no way. Unless...but no! I cannot ask that of anyone. Especially not of my dear, dear, children. I could never endanger your lives in such a manner. Besides, it would be far beyond your skill and bravery."
"What?" the oldest son demanded.
"What?" the second-oldest son demanded.
Prince Juan just sighed and slumped into an armchair.
"Well," the old king said, "there is a certain beautiful golden bird—"
"Of course there is," said Prince Juan.
The other three threw him accusatory looks, and he held up his hands placatingly, then picked up a book from the coffee table and started reading.
"There is a certain golden bird," the king began again, "whose feathers have magical healing power. If someone were to tickle my nose with a feather of this golden bird, I would instantly get well again."
"How wonderful!" the oldest prince exclaimed. "I shall instantly start hunting the bird, and shoot it down for you!"
"Noooo!" The old king nearly jumped out of his bed, which was impressive, considering how mortally sick he was and all that. "I mean—cough, cough!—the bird's feathers will only keep their magic healing powers if the bird is still alive, and healthy, and in pristine condition for being studied and catalogued."
"How convenient," commented Prince Juan from behind his book. The others ignored him.
"Do not worry, father," the oldest said. "I shall find the bird for you and bring it home safely."
"No!" The second-oldest exclaimed. "I shall find the bird for you and bring it home safely."
"Well," Prince Juan said, "I think I'll just sit here and read quietly."
"You are all very good, very loyal, children," the king said. Then he glanced at the book behind which his youngest was hidden. "Well, most of you, anyway. But I—Cough, cough! Argh!—cannot send you on so dangerous a mission without any reward."
"Your love, dear father, is the only reward we desire."
"How true!"
"Still, in my royal generosity, I cannot help but wish to reward you. The one—Cough, cough! Groan!—the one who returns to me with the bird shall receive the ultimate prize. He shall become the next king of this enchanted kingdom."
The oldest prince gasped.
The second-oldest prince gasped.
Prince Juan turned a page.
"Truly, father? Will you truly give up your kingdom?" the oldest demanded.
The old king pulled a pained expression.
"It shall be a great sacrifice for me, of course. You know how much I love all of my subjects—"
"—who have wings and lay eggs," Prince Juan interjected in a helpful voice.
The king sent a glare his way. "As I said, it will be a great sacrifice. But in my generosity, I am prepared to make it. I shall give the kingdom to one of you and spend the rest of my days in the pursuit of science, for the good of the kingdom."
"Oh dear father," the two older princes cried out. "How noble of you!"
"That science wouldn't happen to be ornithology, would it?" Prince Juan inquired amiably.
His father ignored him.
"Well?" he gazed at his two oldest sons, fatherly love shining in his eyes. It might be fatherly love of birds, but they didn't really have to know that. "Which of you—Cough, cough! Groan!—will make me proud? Which of you will save my life and become the next king of the enchanted kingdom?"
Both princes instantly leapt to their feet and swore that they would bring back the golden bird or die trying. Prince Juan was not quite so enthusiastic. Unlike his brothers, he preferred to walk through the world without wearing blinders, and he was pretty sure his dear father was not going to die a gruesome, agonizing death in the next few days if he didn't get his nose tickled by the tail feather of some gilded chicken. If it were up to him, Juan would rather spend his evening with a good book than chasing a silly bird around the countryside. However, if there was a chance that the poor kingdom was going to fall into the hands of one of his brothers (bless them) it was probably his patriotic duty to get the bird before they did.
So Prince Juan saddled his horse, packed his favorite books, his fiddle, a bird cage and a broad-brimmed straw crown to guard against the sun, and set out after his two older brothers.
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The oldest brother rode far and wide across the land, looking for the golden bird. Finally, when he had travelled for three months and still not found a sign of the bird he sought, he saw an old seer resting by the side of the road.
"Greetings, oh wise one," spoke the prince. "Pray, canst thou tell me where the golden bird is?"
"How the heck should I know?" answered the venerable sage.
"Well, seers can predict the future by watching the flight of birds, right? So I thought maybe you can predict the flight of birds by watching the future."
"You," spoke the venerable sage, "have a big screw loose!"
"What I have is a sharp sword in my scabbard! I am a prince, you old fool. Tell me what I wish to know, or feel my blade!"
The seer glanced up at a passing pigeon to be sure the prince really meant it. The pigeon flapped its wings in a distinctly fatal way.
"Oh, very well. Let me have a look." Sighing, the seer gazed into the future. What he saw there, for some reason made his lips twitch before he could control his expression. The prince gazed at him suspiciously.
"Why are you smiling, old man?" he demanded.
"What, me, smiling? I'm not smiling. Not in the least. You wanted to find the golden bird, you said?"
"Yes, why?"
"Oh, nothing." The old seer gave a cough that somehow sounded a bit strangled. "Nothing at all. You will find the golden bird to the south, at the abandoned Castle of Pohstep. Best of luck on your journey."
"Thank you, oh wise one. I shall spare your life. But in future, remember the respect owed to princes of the realm."
The seer bowed and waited until the prince had disappeared in the distance—then he fell over, howling with laughter.
He had just been able to calm himself down again when the second prince arrived and stopped beside the seer.
"Greetings, oh wise one," spoke the prince. "Pray, canst thou tell me—"
"—where the golden bird is?"
"How the heck did you know?"
"I'm wise, remember?"
"Oh. Yes, of course."
"You will find the golden bird at the Castle of Pohstep, several miles south of here. But you had better hurry, for your older brother is already on the way."
At hearing this, the second-oldest son gave his mount the spurs, and rode as fast as the wind.
The seer settled himself down again. Not long after, Prince Juan arrived.
"Hello there." The prince nodded to the old man at the side of the rode. "Do you mind telling me if you have seen a bird fly by? As crazy as it sounds, I need this bird to save my homeland from ruin. Its feathers are—"
"I know the bird of which you speak," the seer interrupted.
"You do?"
"Oh yes. The bird that can save your homeland lives to the north, in the forest of stone, right next to the castle of the winter witch."
"Well, that sounds nice and comfortable," sighed Prince Juan, and started straight northwards.
It wasn't long before he heard the flutter of wings and—yes! There, right above him, he saw the feathers of a bird flash above the treetops. However, they did not seem very glorious or golden to him. Instead, they seemed to be...rainbow-colored?
No.
No, that couldn't be. His eyes had to be playing tricks on him.
The bird started to fly faster, and Prince Juan urged on his horse, until he came into a darker part of the forest, where the trees seemed lifeless and the bark turned grey. It truly seemed like stone, as the name of the forest suggested.
Hold on...they were stone.
The prince reined in his horse abruptly. Mouth agape, he dismounted and touched the bark of the tree right next to him. Stone. Cold, hard, unforgiving stone. And there was another. And another. And yet, right there, in the middle of the stone, stood one tree that looked perfectly normal and healthy. How could this possibly...
"Bombs away!"
The prince ducked just in time. Something sailed over his head and—splat!—hit the tree straight on. There was a flash, a smell of public latrines, and where the healthy tree had stood a moment ago, there suddenly rose a finely sculpted replica of stone.
"Dang! Missed!"
Whirling around, the prince stared up towards the sky. "Who is there? Show yourself!"
"Now that would be really stupid. Why on earth would I show myself when I can get rid of you so much more easily while in hiding?"
The prince drew his sword. "Have you no honor, Sir?"
"No. But I've got plenty of this. Duck!"
Luckily, the prince was smart enough not to obey. He hurled himself to the side just in time to avoid the foul-smelling missile aimed for his feet.
"Aww! And I was so sure I'd get you this time. You're really not making this easy."
"Pardon me for not wanting to be petrified!"
"You're pardoned. But only if you stand still next time!"
The prince heard a noise and saw a greyish mass fly straight towards him. Just in time, he threw himself behind a stone tree.
Splat!
"Are those...feces? Are you shitting me?"
"Yes, I am! And it's fun!"
"Who are you?" the prince demanded from behind the stone tree. "Why are you doing this? I've done nothing to you!"
"Ha! Don't you play the innocent with me, mister!"
"I am a prince."
"Fine, Your Royal Strawhatness! Do you mind telling me what that bird cage on your horse is for?"
"It is for catching the bird who will save my father's kingdom from ruin."
"Ha! I knew it!" Wings flapped, and again something hit the petrified tree with a splat. "Die, birdnapper! Die!"
"Hey! No need for that!"
"No need for that, you say? What would you do if someone came along and wanted to stuff you into a cage? I'll teach you to want to clip my wings! Die, birdnapper!"
Splat!
"Wait a moment...You are the golden bird?"
"Now you're trying to add insult to injury, are you? Of course I'm not that glittering idiot. I don't fly around polishing my feathers all day like some people, oh no! Unlike a certain golden chicken I know, I actually have something useful to do with my time."
"Like turning forests and passing travelers into stone."
"Sue me. I'm a sculptor. Besides, I have to crap somewhere."
A rustle above his head told the prince that the next "somewhere" was apparently going to be the top of his head. Hurling himself into a bush, he just managed to avoid being demoted from prince to petrified privy.
"Stop! Please stop, there's been some misunderstanding!"
"You bet there has! You misunderstood when someone told you that you could get the better of me. Bombs away!"
Splat!
"No, no! I mean I didn't mean to come after you! I don't want to catch you. I was sent by my father to catch the golden bird."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"He wants the golden bird, not me?"
"Yes!"
"He's an idiot."
"Ye—um...well..."
"Ha! You were about to say yes!"
"No I wasn't!"
"Oh yes, you were!"
A pause.
"All right, maybe I was. But in my defense, an oyster would make a better king than him."
There was a flapping sound, and something with wings appeared between the upper branches of the trees. It didn't really look like a bird. It looked more like a surrealist artist's nightmare of a rainbow-colored explosion with wings attached. Somehow, its beak was able to grin.
"I like you," the thing proclaimed.
"Two minutes ago, you were trying to defecate on me!"
"Isn't that what friendship is all about? You take each other's crap and still care about each other?" The thing extended one scruffy wing. "Greetings, Your Royal Strawhatness. My name is Adarna. But you may call me Darn."
The prince started to extend his hand—when the bird whirled around and lifted his behind. Ducking just in time, Juan saw the pellet of poop sailing over his head and smacking into the bush behind it, petrifying it on the spot. Quickly, he jumped back.
"Darn as in 'Darn you!'?"
Darn grinned. "That's what people call me when they get to know me better."
"Well, Darn...I suppose I had better be on my way, then. I have to find the golden bird before my brothers do."
"Oh, you're already too late for that."
"What?"
"Oh yes. Your brothers have already entered the Castle of Pohstep, killed its lord and gained possession of the golden bird. Since it was a bargain day, the people at Pohstep even threw in a golden horse and a golden hamster."
Prince Juan muttered a curse not suitable for fairy tales. The bird regarded him with interest. "That was a nice one. I might have underestimated you."
"Bloody hell! What am I supposed to do now? I can't let the kingdom fall into the hands of those two nincompoops! We'll be ruined and overrun by wicked stepmothers within a year!" He glanced up hopefully at Darn. "I suppose I can't persuade you to let me paint your feathers golden and take you back home with me? Just for a short while?"
Darn ruffled his scraggly feathers. "Certainly not! Who do you take me for? I won't pretend to be some cheap glittery chicken!" He paused—then grinned. "If, however, you would like to take me back as I am, in all my glorious rainbow magnificence—now that I could definitely agree to. I'm sure that once your father sees me, he will be much more impressed with me than with that gilded old chicken."
"You think?"
"Of course! And if he isn't, I can always use him as a privy."
The prince buried his face in his hands.
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After a journey of only two weeks, Prince Juan arrived back at the palace—a remarkably quick trip, considering he had taken several months to travel in the other direction. It is amazing how quickly the roads clear if you have a magical bird flying ahead of you, yelling, "Out of the way! Anyone who doesn't want to get shit on the head, out of the way! Oh, and did I mention my shit will turn you to stone? Out of the way! Out of the way! Here comes the bomb bird!"
After Darn demonstrated his abilities once or twice, there was remarkably little traffic congestion.
The two of them arrived at the palace on a fine summer morning. Darn was just catching up on some sleep in a nest he'd made for himself in the prince's straw crown when Juan rode over the last hill and before him lay the palace, shining golden in the morning sunlight. The king sat on the main terrace, re-ordering his feather collection and drinking a cup of tea.
"Feeling better, I see?" Prince Juan asked friendly, approaching from behind.
The king flinched and dropped a barn owl feather. Immediately, he slumped backward in his chair, let his eyelids flutter closed and pressed a hand to his heart. "Argh! Argh! Groan! My doctors...they recommended I get some fresh air, but it doesn't help. Nothing will help, unless—Moan, groan, argh!—I can find the golden bird and be cured by its miraculous magic."
He opened one eye.
"You haven't brought back the bird, by any chance?"
"Oh, you'll be amazed at what I brought back."
"Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful. Now we only have to wait for your brothers."
Shortly afterwards, the two older brothers arrived as well, riding a magnificent golden horse and bearing a magnificent golden cage with an even more magnificent golden animal inside.
"Wonderful! Wonderful!" The king clapped, nearly jumping up and down with joy. "They did it! They did it! They—hey! Wait a moment." He blinked, and stopped clapping. "That's not a bird. That's a hamster."
"Ah, yes." The oldest prince cleared his throat. "We got that one for free, so we thought we'd bring it along, too. Here's the bird." And he pulled another cage out from behind his back, in which sat a brilliantly shimmering golden bird. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever seen, and when it raised its slender head and sang a melody as sweet as honey, it seemed to glow with an inner light.
"Showoff," came a small voice from inside Juan's straw crown.
"Juan?" The king raised an eyebrow at his youngest son. "Did you say something?"
"Me? No, no, father."
"Hm. Still, let us see what you have brought back." His eyes lit up. "Did you bring me a golden bird as well?"
An outraged squawk issued from Juan's straw crown.
The young prince cleared his throat. "Well, not exactly..."
He would have probably come up with a brilliant explanation, but at that very moment, a guard came running over from the main gate.
"Your Majesty! Your Majesty, there are soldiers at our gates! Hundreds! Thousands! They come from the south and they say...they say..."
Panting, he collapsed, with only enough strength left to point at the two older brothers.
"Ah yes." The eldest coughed. "We might have neglected to mention that we had to kill the Lord of Pohstep to get the golden bird. I imagine his uncle the emperor was less than pleased about that."
Juan raised an eyebrow. "You think?"
His older brother gave him a look. "I'm sure it is all just a misunderstanding that can easily be cleared up, and—"
Boom!
"What was that?" the king demanded.
"It sounded like a battering ram hitting the front gate of the palace," Prince Juan told him.
"Good God! Enemies at the gates? And I have my entire ornithological collection in here! All my birds, my fossils, my feathers...and there probably are lots of people here, too. What can we do? Who can save us?"
"Leave it all to me, father," Prince Juan told him.
"To you?"
"Yes." The prince stepped forward, confident. "If I save your collection, will I be the next king?"
"Of course! Of course! Anything!"
"Then I think it is time you met my friend. Darn?"
"Don't you curse in front of me, boy!"
"I wasn't cursing, Dad. Darn?" The Prince rattled his crown, and the scrawny bird popped out, wild-colored wings flapping.
"Someone called?"
"Darn, we need a shitstorm. Could you oblige?"
The little bird made a pirouette in the air. "You asked the right bird, Your Strawhatness! Leeet's goooo!"
And he whizzed off across the palace courtyard towards the gates.
There was a prolonged moment of silence.
"Um..." The oldest brother cleared his throat. "Please correct me if I am wrong...but did you just send off a crazy talking songbird to eliminate a heavily-armed army of thousands of soldiers?"
"Yes." Prince Juan couldn't suppress a wide grin. "I suppose I did. Want to come and watch him beat them?"
"Err...sorry, no. I prefer to stay alive. I think we should—"
He was cut off by the screams of horror from the main gate, followed by the sound of panicking men trying to flee from a rapidly defecating bird. It's a rather unique sound.
"Yay! Take that, you hairless apes! And that! And that! I bet now you wish you were as awesome as me, don't you? Yes! Bull's eye! And human eye! And bull's eye again! Where are all those bulls coming from? Oh, who cares! Attaaaack!"
Prince Juan sauntered over to the nearest chair, took a seat and picked up a book to read, while the rest of the royal family listened in fascinated horror. A short while later, a rainbow-colored speck whizzed across the palace courtyard and settled down beside Prince Juan.
"How did I do?"
"Well..." Marking his page with a finger, the prince laid the book aside. "I must admit, I find it hard to find words."
A guard came running over from the gate, wildly gesticulating in the air, his big, terrified eyes flicking between the gate and Darn, who was by now cleaning his plumage.
"Your Majesty...he...it...I...they are all...all of them...argh!"
And he fainted.
"Well, father?" Prince Juan inquired, extending a hand for Darn to jump onto it. "What do you say? Do my friend and I get the throne?"
It did not take much time for the king to make up his mind. In fact, it took about 0.00000000000000000000000001 seconds. Soon, Prince Juan was crowned King Juan I in the great throne room of the palace, and beside the throne, there was erected a lavatory seat of pure gold, and upon it sat Darn, the newly chosen head of the Privy Council. Truly, it may be said that never before in the history of the enchanted kingdom had a head of the Privy Council taken his job so seriously, and so literally. Thus began a new era of peace and prosperity in the kingdom, aided by the suddenly flourishing trade in military statues, and King Juan and Darn lived happily ever after.
And the moral of the story is: Everyone has their special talent.
Or, alternatively: In certain circumstances, it's a great idea to shit on people's heads.*
*Attention, readers! In accordance with article 7, paragraph 3 of the revised Fairyland moral shit code, the author shall not accept any liability for the accuracy of his morals. Readers choose their toilets at their own risk.
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My dear Lords, Ladies, and piles of stinking bird poo-
Okay, maybe I'd better refrain from finishing that greeting ;-)
This story was inspired both by The Golden Bird by the Brothers Grimm, which tells the story of a hunt for a beautiful golden bird, and Ibong Adarna, a Filipino legend which tells the story of a hunt for a bird who can turn people into stone by leaving droppings on their heads. By the way my tale ended, you can probably deduce which of the two stories I find more interesting.
It is worthy to note here that in the tale of the Brothers Grimm, the king isn't sick at all, but sends his sons after the bird on a mere whim. In contrast, in Ibong Adarna, the king's sickness is real. I think my version was an interesting compromise between the two, don't you?
Filipino readers might already have noticed that I did not include the entire tale of Ibong Adarna. There are significant parts left, which could be turned into a sequel of this tale. I wonder, would you like to see more adventures of Juan and Darn?
"The Crappy Bird" is the last tale in this 7-story batch of fairy tales. If you want to get hold of more stories like the ones you've just read, you have two choices. You can, if you want to to support my writing efforts, buy the published editions of "WARNING! Fairy Tales" as ebooks/paperbacks. There are 2 volumes available, each with THREE ADDITIONAL FAIRY TALES each. Alternatively, you can just wait for the next batch of fairy tales to be written & posted here on Wattpad. Please keep in mind, though, that with every copy of the books you buy, you support my continued writing, so if you enjoyed my fairy tales, please consider spending a few coins on my published books! :-)
As you've noticed, I have included several of the tales you voted on/suggested at the end of the last batch of fairy tales. So if you'd like to once again express your opinion ans to what kind of fairy tale(s) I should rewrite, by all means go ahead! :)
See you soon in Fairyland ;)
Yours Truly
Sir Rob