[ CHAPTER NINETEEN ]
" BROKEN INSIDE "
Even as a young child, Lux had always had the inspiring dream of becoming successful, of doing something that would make her mother proud of her.
She had yearned to be a dominating businesswoman, although she had never really been sure of what she would do to fulfil this profession.
Lux had wanted to be able to provide for her family, to not have to worry about the things her mother once had.
She'd always thought that maybe when she was in her mid-twenties, she'd meet her Mr Right, someone who would make her feel all gooey and special, like the characters in the romance novels Sadie had once enjoyed reading.
Perhaps after a couple of years they'd move in together, find somewhere to call home.
It probably wouldn't have been much at the beginning, a small apartment, or a studio flat, decorated with personal, dishevelled trinkets and no doubt lots of scented candles.
They might have even bought a pet of some sorts, perhaps it would have been something small, like a fluffy little hamster or a monotone goldfish, or maybe it would have been something on the larger scale; a spotted Dalmatian or a ten-foot snake.
Then of course would come the anniversaries, maybe her boyfriend would propose to her on the anniversary of the very night they met.
Perhaps the proposal would have been something classically romantic, a candlelit restaurant with several cameras recording her every move while excited, awaiting eyes of onlookers watched.
Maybe it would have been at the little place they called home, in front of a crackling fireplace as they snuggled under a thick knitted blanket, while drinking homemade hot chocolate.
Her desired wedding wouldn't have been a large and lavish event, it would have been a small intimate event, consisting of her few family members and her closest of friends.
After saving many pennies, Lux and her husband would hopefully be able to apply for a mortgage before the wedding, moving into a three- or four-bedroom house, a place where she could raise her future children.
It would be a nice, rustic house, with a back garden to fit a swing and slide in, and maybe even a tree house.
But now her plan was completely destroyed, and something told her that even after she'd given birth, she wouldn't be able to raise her daughter in a typical, family household.
Lux was snapped out her thoughts by Dean's gravelly tone, his gaze fixated on her as she snapped back into reality.
"Sweetheart, you in there?"
Nodding, Lux chuckled. "Yeah, just, lost in my thoughts."
Dean pressed his lips together, uncertain of what to say as he nodded. "That's a dangerous place to be sometimes."
"It can be, I suppose." She shrugged her shoulders, reminding herself she couldn't dwell on the past.
The longer she dwelled, the more likely she'd launch herself into an epitome of misery and depression.
She needed to keep a clear mind and a positive attitude, as hard as that was in her situation.
Nodding, Dean sent her a small smile before glancing at the ticking clock on the wall. Lux reclined back against the sofa, biting her lower lip as she nervously waited for Castiel to appear.
They'd be waiting for said angel for half an hour now, and it was evident Dean's patience was running thin.
He'd spent the last twenty minutes tapping his foot against the floor frustratedly, eyes diverting to the wall clock every couple of minutes.
Lux wasn't particularly enjoying the wait either, but she expected Castiel was a busy man, as he was an angel after all.
Castiel checking on her and the baby was a favour anyways, so she found herself unable to complain.
He'd already done so much for her, making sure she had an adequate amount of maternity clothing for her stay in the bunker.
A gust of cold air brushed against her bare stomach causing her to shiver as she glanced down at the bump.
She'd rolled the stretch vest top up to under her chest, to not only get some much-needed oxygen to her restricted stomach, but also so she'd be ready for Castiel.
She wasn't quite sure what to expect, however, she was sure that it wouldn't be the typical maternity check-up appointment.
Something told her Castiel wouldn't be wearing scrubs and latex gloves, rubbing cold gel onto her belly.
As the familiar, ear-infuriating 'pop' indicated the presence of the angel, Dean rolled his eyes as Castiel suddenly appeared before them.
"Took your damn time, Cas." Dean grumbled, shaking his head as the angel payed him little attention.
Castiel practically blanked the bristling Winchester, sending Lux a tight-lipped smile that almost seemed uncomfortably forced.
"How are you feeling Lux? I trust all is well? You've settled in okay? I apologise for my absence these past few days. There's a bit of a situation going on upstairs." Castiel admitted as Dean perked up at this.
He furrowed his eyebrows, but before he could press Castiel for more information on the matter, Castiel turned to Lux, rolling the sleeves of his trench coat up.
Without any warning, Castiel placed his surprisingly warm hands on her exposed stomach.
Lux was pleasantly surprised as a warmth filled her, Castiel's fingers brushing against the underside of her bump.
As she reclined backwards in a state of tranquillity, she felt the recognisable kick of her daughters' feet as Castiel concentrated, his own eyes closed.
Dean watched with raised brows, finding the whole thing rather awkward and uncomfortable as the participants in the room remained silent.
Eyes snapping open, Castiel suddenly pulled his hands away, rolling the sleeves of his trench coat back down as Lux opened her eyes once more, sitting up.
She was rather confused, and a tad disappointed she wasn't able to have a sonogram to see her daughter, but she supposed Castiel was able to tell her more about her baby than any midwife could.
"I believe it won't be long till you give birth two weeks at the most, however, it could be as soon as a week." Castiel informed the two, eyes flicking to Dean who nodded.
Lux tried to hide her surprise as she rolled the stretchy material back down her bump. "How do you know that?" She asked curiously.
"I can feel the child's grace, it's very powerful and has little left to grow, it's almost fully developed. It's rather large, precisely twice the size of an archangel's grace, just as Jesus' was supposedly a week before he was birthed. It would explain why you are feeling so run down at the minute, I imagine it's very tiresome on your weak human body." Castiel spoke as Dean snorted.
Lux nodded, pressing her lips together.
"Well thanks for that, Cas." She uttered sarcastically, slightly offending that the angel had called her body weak, much to Dean's amusement.
The older Winchester flashed her a grin as Castiel nodded.
He was glad she felt comfortable enough to not only joke with him, but also with Cas and Sam.
"It was my pleasure, Lux. I was also able to communicate with the child through Enochian. She mentioned she's excited to meet you, I believe she's beginning to feel a little cramped inside of your womb, but I suspect that's due to her growing grace taking up the majority of the room." Castiel continued, the sarcasm lost on him as Lux forced a smile.
Her fingers instinctively touched her stomach, immediately met by fluttering kicks.
Despite the smile on her lips, it was evident she was nervous about the whole situation, her eyes uncertain.
Reaching to take her hand in his, Dean squeezed her hand.
"Who needs an obstetrician when we've got Dell Parker huh?" Dean chuckled causing Castiel to tilt his head at the confusion.
"I don't get that reference." Cas responded with a frown as Dean snorted, shaking his head as Lux suddenly pulled her hand from his grasp.
Shuffling to stand, Lux cleared her throat, two pairs of eyes darting to her.
"I'm gonna have a nap, I'm feeling tired." She mumbled, looking awfully pale all of a sudden.
Before either Dean or Cas could respond, she hurried out the room as fast as her swollen feet and tired body would allow.
...
When Dean found Lux, she was leaning over the bathroom sink, head pressed against the cold bowl as she sniffled, inhaling deeply, attempting to calm herself down.
She'd clearly been crying.
Feeling unsure and uncertain of what to do, Dean cleared his throat, making his presence known as she jolted, posture immediately straightening.
With her back facing him, she quickly wiped her cheeks, plastering a small tight-lipped smile on as she faced Dean.
"You okay, sweetheart?" As soon as the question left his lips, Dean knew he was an idiot.
Of course, she wasn't okay.
She'd been dragged into this supernatural shit storm they all unfortunately called a reality, she'd lost her mother and her best friend, she'd been forced to leave her old life behind in the dust.
Her eyes welled up from the question as she nodded, pressing her lips together when a fragile whimper escaped.
"Lux, you don't have to lie me. Shout, cry, scream at me, just please don't bottle it up." Dean pleaded, knowing he was being completely hypocritical as Lux hesitated.
After a soft sigh and a small nod, she stepped forwards.
Running hand through her hair, unconsciously unknotting the honey blonde curls, Lux shook her head.
"I don't even know where to start." She sighed, biting her lip uncertainly.
Dean didn't respond as she took another step towards him, something in her snapping.
"I'm not okay- I'm not! And I feel like everyone is expecting me to hold myself together because you guys are used to this, because I'm carrying a supernatural child. But I can't! I can't keep pretending that I'm not broken inside." She admitted frustratedly, her knees briefly buckling as Dean dashed forwards.
He steadied her, holding onto her forearms as she continued to rant.
"And I'm scared- no terrified. Because I could be giving birth in a week's time. I've never... you know. How am I supposed to give birth?" She admitted softly, cheeks tinging pink as she avoided Dean's gaze.
If he was surprised, he didn't show it, licking his lips, appearing as if he was contemplating something before he took her face into his strong hands.
His hands gently cupped her cheeks, his thumb rubbing up and down.
"If anyone can do it, you can. You've survived all of this; I mean this and I'm not just saying it; you're one of the strongest people I've ever met-" Dean was swiftly cut off by Lux.
Her watery eyes blinked, eyelashes fluttering as her lips frowned. "I'm not strong, Dean." She insisted, her tone weary.
Dean shook his head. "Physically- not a chance." He responded with a grin as she snorted in amusement.
"But emotionally? Damn, I know for a fact if anyone, and I mean anyone had been through the pure shit you've been through these last couple of weeks, they'd be locked in some sort of mental hospital after a breakdown, or they'd be straight up dead. But here you are." Dean concluding, his touch relaxing and soothing her.
Lux was touched by his words as she sent him a small smile.
"I wouldn't speak so soon, Dean. The mental breakdown is on its way, and death? It's probably lurking in the shadows as we speak." She admitted gently.
No more words were exchanged as Dean was rendered speechless.
His emerald eyes took in the sight of her below him, her eye lashes fluttering and lips parting.
Her cheeks felt so soft against his rough thumbs, while her pursed, pinkened lips showed signs of where she had anxiously bitten down, breaking the skin.
Thick heavy bags resided beneath her eyes and she was unhealthily pale, and yet Dean had never seen someone so beautiful.
All Lux found herself able to do was gaze up at Dean as his green eyes flickered down to her lips, his face awfully closer than before.
She felt as if time slowed down in that moment, her heart beating so fast it felt like it would burst through her chest.
His soft breath was brushing against her lips, it was almost too much to bear.
And in that moment- perhaps it was the moment or the urge to no longer hold herself back- Lux found herself leaning forward, her lips meeting Dean's in the middle.
As soon as her lips pressed against his, she found herself edging closer.
His mouth was warm and tasted of the cool beer he'd drank earlier that afternoon.
The caress of his lips was frantic as his hands gripped her waist, pressing her body against his firm torso.
Lux gripped his shoulders desperately, fingers knotting into his short hair and tugging playfully.
She needed this almost as much as he did.
Dean tasted tentatively with his tongue as Lux opened her mouth with a low, needy moan.
His hands moved to rest under her thighs as his lips began trailing down her neck.
"Jump." He grunted against her skin as Lux immediately complied, Dean's hands holding her up as she wrapped her legs tightly around her waist.
His hands squeezed and caressed her as wet kisses left purple bruises.
She barely noticed him carrying her out the bathroom, his growing erection pressing into her and filling her an emotion she'd never really first-hand experienced; lust.
Gasping, Lux's arms tightened around his neck as his knees hit the bottom of the bed, her straddling him as she began tugging at his flannel shirt.
As soon as she pulled his flannel shirt off, Dean seemed to tense, disconnecting their lips, his hands once frantic hands moving back to rest on her cheeks.
It was as if as soon as the cold air met his bare chest, he realised what he was doing.
His nose rested against hers, his lips tauntingly close, but he made no effort to kiss her.
It took all of his will power as he uttered the painful words.
"We can't."
Lux's grin faded, as she shook her head, fair eyebrows furrowed.
She dismissed his words, sending him a concerned smile, fingers playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck whilst her ample, stunning body pressed against his.
"Of course we can."
Dean shook his head, wincing as he unwounded her arms from his neck. "We can't sweetheart."
In what she was assuming was an attempt to sooth her embarrassment, his thumb stroked her red cheeks. "Why?"
"I can't take advantage of you like that. I can't mislead you into thinking this is something it's not." Dean admitted as her smile dropped.
She quickly shuffled to climb off his lap, standing in front of him.
He couldn't even meet her eyes as she tried to hold in the avalanche of tears that threatened to fall.
She was beyond humiliated, she liked Dean, she really liked Dean.
"Something it's not?" She repeated coldly.
Dean nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. Look, I should go-" Dean mumbled, skirting around Lux to exit the room, aware of the tears that were trickling down her cheeks.
He winced as he shut the door behind him, hearing her soft sniffles as he walked away.
As much as he wanted to turn around and pull her into his arms, tell her he didn't mean what he'd implied- that he did in fact like her, he knew it was in her best interest.
She was still grieving her mother and best friend and she had to focus on looking after herself and the baby.
He seemed to be a black hole, and the last thing he wanted was to see Lux's name added to the list of his deceased loved ones.
She was better off without him.