"She knew she was really sad,
when she stopped loving
the things she loved."
- atticus
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Anisha broke the pill into three pieces. She hated taking pills.
But she was trying. She really was trying.
It was already 10:56 AM. She had overslept. And she had woken up, feeling tired and ready to go back to sleep.
And that was exactly what she was going to do.
She was going to take her pills and then take a long, nice nap.
She was going to sleep until her kids came home from school. And only then would she wake up and spend her evening with them.
Other than that, she didn't have anything left.
Maybe one of these days she'd actually have enough energy to try and be happy once again. Maybe, just once, she'd have enough energy to try and feel alive. To feel healthy and alive.
But that wasn't likely.
She just wanted to sleep.
Sleep was good. She didn't feel the pain when she was sleeping. She didn't feel anything when she was sleeping.
She quickly swallowed her pills. She wasn't sure what they supposed to help with. What was even the point of taking the pills anymore?
She didn't have that long.
That much she knew. That much she had always known.
Anisha poured some tea into a blue mug. She loved drinking tea. Especially on mornings like this. A crisp October breeze, with the leaves shining in shades of red, orange and yellow.
It was now that she realized the beauty of the world around her. It was a part of the many things she had simply overlooked.
Winter afternoons spent reading a book, listening to the rain and sipping on warm hot chocolate. Spring evenings spent admiring the pretty flowers around her. Summer nights spent outside, roaming the streets of Santa Monica with her husband. Fall mornings spent trying to get Mira and Ryan ready for school, watching as the weather turned colder.
All these little things. They were her memories. They were the memories she cherished, deep within her heart. They reminded her of the beauty in life, the hope and happiness that she had sprinkled around her.
That she has tried. She really had tried.
Anisha gently bit her lip and stared at the mug. Biting her lip was a habit. It was something she did in order to keep herself from crying.
Because that was exactly what she wanted to do right now.
She wanted to cry as she wondered what next fall would be like. What the next month would be like.
The weather would be same, cool and crisp. The leaves would be painted in hues of scarlet and gold.
Everything would be same.
Everything would be the same, just without her.
Mira and Ryan would wake up complaining every morning that they didn't want to go to school. They would come home complaining that they had too much homework. Exactly a week before Halloween, Mira would start wearing her Cinderella costume around the house. At night, they would ask for apple pie after dinner.
And it would all be the same.
But that was what hurt her more than anything.
It would all be the same. Except for her. She just wouldn't happen to be around anymore. She just wouldn't be there to laugh and smile alongside her kids.
It wasn't fair.
It just wasn't fair.
There were so many things she still wanted to do. There were so many things she still had to do. But she just wanted to sleep.
She was tired, she was very tired.
She looked around for something to eat. She needed to eat. But there wasn't really any point in eating. She wasn't hungry and she would probably end up throwing-up everything she ate anyway.
She froze as the front door opened and then slammed shut. The kids were at school. Andrew probably dropped them off, considering the fact that she had slept in late, again.
But after that, Andrew was supposed to go to work. He was supposed to be at work, far away from her.
He wanted to talk. She knew that. But she didn't want to talk.
She just didn't want to deal with him right now.
An indescribable blush of sadness colored her as Andrew walked into the kitchen, placing his car keys on the counter. His eyes were set on her. And his gaze, it was intense but soft. She just couldn't look away.
She had loved him. She really had.
She had given him everything she had. She had given him everything she had to offer.
She stayed, she cared and she loved. All for him. All for them.
Anisha looked down and her eyes fell on the small bruise on her wrist. Maybe she should tell him the truth.
Andrew deserved to know.
Andrew needed to know.
This wasn't just about her anymore. This concerned him and their kids.
Perhaps, giving up would be easier once he knew. At least then she would know that he would be fine without her. At least then she would know that her kids would be fine without her.
"Why are you here?" Her voice held resolve. And bitterness. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't.
She had suffered and suffered.
And now? He wanted to try and mend things between them now?
Now that she had finally given up.
But deep down in her heart, she just couldn't find in her heart to hate him. Sure, he had ruined her. But she had let him.
She had let him.
Right now, she didn't want any anger. She just wanted to be happy. She wanted to enjoy. But she was tired.
Anisha Hayes had given up. And she just wanted to sleep.
"I live here. Why wouldn't I be here?" Andrew awkwardly leaned against the counter and looked at Anisha who was still dressed in her light pink stripped pajamas and a large t-shirt. The corners of his lips quirked upwards, slightly as he watched her roll her eyes and look away from him.
It wasn't a smile, it was just a slight upward quirk of the lips. The closest thing to smile that he had to offer.
Andrew Hayes rarely smiled.
He was a harsh man, cold and rude. And the last thing he needed to do was entertain people with his smile.
Besides, smiling wasn't easy for him. After everything life had put him through, how could he smile?
But for the first time in years, a certain sense of hope surrounded him.
Because for once, he felt as though things could get better between him and Anisha. That maybe, this time, they could make it work.
And he certainly hoped they could.
A fresh new start. That was what he wanted.
Anisha shuffled around a little. It was awkward.
Talking to her husband, it felt uncomfortable. It felt unnatural.
Most of the time, they knew how to act like they were in love when someone else was around. They knew how to act when the kids around.
But whenever they were alone, things were awkward between them.
It was pitiful.
They were married. But Anisha didn't know how to speak or approach the man she stood beside at the altar. She didn't know what to say to the one person who she loved more than anything, to the man who had given her two beautiful children.
She twirled the tea bag around and played with her tea.
"I mean right now, why are you at home right now and not at work?" At first, she was going to ask him if he wanted tea.
A few weeks ago, she would've wanted nothing more than to sit beside him on the couch, sipping on warm tea.
But right now, she just wanted to sleep. To close her eyes and sleep.
"I took the day off." He had taken the next few days off. Because he wanted things to work out between them.
It was one last effort. And he was willing to try as hard as he needed to. He was willing to do anything he needed to.
Just so she wouldn't leave him.
He needed her. He wanted her.
Anisha gave him a small, dry laugh. "But why are you here Andrew? Why are you at home?" She finally looked up at him and she hoped he could see the bitterness and heartbreak in her eyes from where he was standing, five feet away from her.
He was being cautious. And she knew he was nervous.
And for a second, he looked like the twenty-year old who had nervously stuttered every single word as he had asked her out on a date.
"I understand that you took the day off. It's your day off and I assume you would want to spend the day with your girlfriend. I'm just confused as to why you're here, in the kitchen, with me." Anisha didn't want to talk. To him. Not right now. And perhaps never.
"She doesn't mean anything to me. She's never meant anything to me." He ran a hand through his hair. He didn't know what else to say. Anisha wouldn't forgive him. He already knew that. "I...I ended things with her."
He watched as she played with the tea bag, swirling it around as she glanced at him every now and then.
Andrew wanted nothing more than to kiss her senselessly, to kiss her like he had last night. And he wanted to beg her for another chance. He wanted one more chance.
He wouldn't fuck it up this time.
He wanted to apologize. And he wasn't sure what to apologize for.
Which of his many mistakes would she even forgive?
Anisha snorted but still refused to meet his pleading gaze. What did he take her for?
A fucking fool?
Of course, because that was exactly what she was.
Time and time, she had forgiven him. Time and time, she had ignored every sign of her failing marriage. Time and time, she had tried to make things work.
That's what she was. A fucking fool, a pathetic girl.
Because every time he said he would change, she had believed him. She had always believed him.
And that Anisha's biggest problem. Anisha Hayes was, in every aspect possible, responsible for her own heartbreak.
Anisha Hayes was responsible for the false hope, broken heart and plentiful tears.
All because she was nothing but a fucking fool.
Once again, she was giving in to her heart.
Andrew was still hurting. He was still suffering and trying to come to terms with what his sister had done. But now she wondered how her leaving would affect him.
Who would take care of him? Who would love him?
Because Anisha had. Anisha had cared for him when no one else had. And she had loved him when no one else had.
But no one had loved her.
When she needed someone to care, no one had cared. And when she had needed love the most, it had been snatched away from her.
It was too late now.
There was nothing else that she could offer.
"That doesn't change anything." She picked up the tea and took a small sip. "It doesn't change anything."
It really didn't.
He broke up with Amanda. The woman he had been seeing while he was married to her. The woman he should've never sought in the first place.
So what if he ended things with her.
It didn't change a thing.
Because at the end of the day, her heart was still broken.
She was still sick. And her drawers was filled with medications. And her wrist was filled with razor scars.
Anisha looked at him and she wanted to cry. The pain his eyes held tore her apart.
He had suffered just as much as her.
She watched as his lips parted but he didn't say anything.
She shook her head and then looked back down. "It doesn't change anything."
And it really didn't.
"Anisha, I...I'm sorry." He was practically breathing the two words. "I'm sorry." Because Andrew Hayes was sorry. He was always sorry.
Sorry.
He was sorry.
But Anisha couldn't find in herself to care.
It was two little words. That could've saved her in the past. It could've saved them.
But now it was too late. Anisha had already given up.
She smiled softly, taking in every aspect of his face. From his blue eyes to his dark hair, the light stubble scattered across his jaw. "It's okay."
It was okay. Everything was okay.
Resolve. Anisha had accepted everything. She smiled at him, once again before turning around and picking up the cup of tea. She wanted to go to her room, drink the warm tea that was probably cold by now and then nap. She just wanted to sleep.
Sleep and forget about everything that had ruined her.
"Wait Anisha, it's not okay. I..." There was a list of things Andrew could have said.
That he was sorry for lying to her. That he was sorry for hurting her. That he was sorry for cheating. That he was sorry for doubting her. That he was sorry for blaming her for everything that happened. He was sorry. That's all it was. He was sorry. He was sorry for everything. He was sorry for so many things.
But he had no idea what to say.
"And what Andrew. You're sorry. So what? You're always sorry but that never changes anything." The bitterness in her voice bothered him.
He didn't deserve forgiveness. He already knew that. But he hoped they could've at least tried to figure something out. If not to save their marriage, they could've at least tried to figure something out for the kids.
"But last night." Last night, when she had let him kiss her, he had really thought that it meant that she was at least willing to try and figure something out.
He couldn't understand why she was so cold and distant right now.
Anisha smiled but she didn't let him see. Last night meant the world to her. But she couldn't ever tell him that.
Anisha knew that Andrew had fallen out of love. He didn't love her anymore. He hadn't loved her for a while.
But last night when he had kissed her, it had been enough.
It was all she had wanted. It was all she needed.
Because at least now, she knew, he had. Once, some time ago, he had loved her.
It was enough to last her through the rest of her days. The rest of the few days, some hours she had left.
He had loved her. He had. He really had.
"You don't get it Andrew. You just don't." She couldn't try anymore. After everything he had done to her, she just couldn't. "I'm tired. I'm really tired."
Mentally and physically. She was tired of everything.
She was tired to trying to force herself to get better. She was tired of trying to force herself to be happy.
"Last night was for the kids. That's why we do everything we do, right?" Her hands tightened around the cup of tea. She wanted to sleep. The medication wasn't working. She could feel a pinching sensation in her lower stomach.
But she ignored it. She needed Andrew to understand. She needed him to understand how sick and broken she was. "I'm sure Mira still thinks you love me. But honestly, I think we should just stop. Stop pretending and faking all this. It's a lot of work, it's too much extra work. "
She bit her lip, trying to control the slight waver in her voice before continuing. "Our marriage failed. It's that simple. We just didn't work out Andrew. But that's okay. A lot of people fall out of love. Ryan understands and it's better for Mira to understand now. She can't grow up pretending that everything is going to have a Cinderella-type ending."
Because that was exactly what Anisha had wanted. But life had proven otherwise. Things just didn't work like that. Life just didn't work like that. Now, she wanted her daughter to understand and grow-up. Anisha wanted Mira to forget about the stupid Cinderella story that the little girl was observed with. It would save Mira from the of heartbreak, the same type of heartbreak that her mother was suffering with.
"But between us, I don't know what I could have done differently. I tried to be a good wife. I tried to be a good mother. That's what keeps me awake at night. Because I really don't know what I could've done. I wish I knew. I really wish I knew what I could've done differently. And maybe, maybe then you would still love me."
Soft drops slowly slid down her face.
No matter how she willed herself not to cry, she just couldn't help it.
It was her broken heart. She was the one who was suffering.
She understood that Andrew had his own pain. But unlike him, she didn't know how to hide her feelings. She didn't know how to cut the negativity out of her life and act like she didn't care.
Because she did. She cared a lot. And she cried a lot.
"Maybe I should've left. I think about it every day. I could've left. But I didn't. Instead, I stayed. I refused to punish Ryan and Mira for your mistakes. I stayed for them. But now, they're old enough. We've given them enough. They're old enough now to understand. I just, I'm tired of pretending. I'm sick of having to act like I'm happy. I'm not." Miserable. Anisha's days were filled with misery.
"But this Andrew, this is it for us." She smiled softly at him and turned around.
And this, this was it for Anisha.
Andrew would be fine without her. He would find someone else perhaps. She hoped he would find someone else.
She hoped he would find someone else, fall in love and spend the rest of his life being happy. Maybe that someone else would heal his broken heart. And she would fill that void of Anisha in his life. Soon, he would get over his failed marriage to Anisha. He would move on, because that was what Anisha wanted.
Andrew would be okay, he would be happy without her.
And so would her kids.
All she could do was hope they could forgive her.
She hoped Ryan and Mira would forgive her for missing out on their lives. Their graduations, their birthdays, their weddings, everything.
She hoped they could all forgive her for giving up too soon. For giving up too easily.
She just wanted to sleep. And be free of the pain.
She wanted to take a nice long nap. In the evening, she would spend some time with Mira and Ryan. They were all that mattered.
She stopped and turned around to face Andrew again.
This time, her voice was gentle and caring. "I'm sorry Andrew. I'm really sorry. I just can't take it anymore. I just can't fight."
And she really couldn't. She couldn't fight to save their marriage anymore. She couldn't fight to save their love. And she most definitely couldn't fight to save herself.
Her smile, it was fake. But it was all that she could offer him.
She watched as he took in a deep breath, looking everywhere but at her. He awkwardly ran his hand over his face.
And before he could stop himself, he proved to her that he still didn't trust her.
"Is it Sebastian?"
"What?" And for the first time, Anisha paled with fear. Sebastian wouldn't dare tell Andrew about her sickness. He wouldn't. He had promised. It wasn't his place to tell.
"Sebastian. Is he why you don't want to try to fix things between us?" If Anisha said yes, Andrew would let her go.
If she wanted to leave him for Sebastian, he wouldn't stop her this time.
Last time, he had convinced her to stay because they had a three-year old son to take care of. But now, he had fucked up. He already knew his mistakes were far from forgivable.
Maybe Sebastian could love her better than Andrew ever had.
But still, he couldn't help but hope that it was just a small doubt.
He wanted to trust Anisha. But then he wouldn't blame her for cheating on him. It would all be a result of his mistakes anyway.
"What does Sebastian have anything to do with this?" Andrew noticed the hint of desperation in her voice.
But he just wanted an answer. An answer about Sebastian. And an answer about Mira.
Because as much as he wanted to believe that Mira was his, he couldn't find any similarity between him and Mira.
Mira looked like Anisha, yes. But him, he just wasn't sure if Mira looked anything like him.
And for the last few days, it was all he could think about. Was Mira even his daughter? She had to be. Mira was his bundle of joy. More than anything, he loved Mira. Mira was his daughter.
But Mira didn't look like him. And he couldn't help but wonder.
"Is there anything going on between you and Sebastian?" His eyes softened as he watched her flinch from his cold and accusing tone.
"Where are you getting this from?" Anisha grabbed the side of her stomach with one hand and placed another hand on the counter for support. She was dizzy. She was tired. The pain in her stomach was getting worse.
"Sebastian, Anisha. He has everything to do with this." He was losing his patience now. He just needed an answer.
His eyes darkened in anger as he watched her shake her head, still confused as to what he was asking of her.
"For fucks sake Anisha, is Mira even mine?"
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Hi, I just wanted to say thank you so much for reading! I usually reply to individual comments and thank people for reading but I've just been super busy with school. So thank you all so much for reading.
Also as a side note, when I first started writing, whenever someone read my story I would always read one of their stories in return. I haven't been able to do that lately but if you want me to read your story just let me know and I promise to get to it whenever I can! :)
Now as for this story, there are only maybe 15 chapters left or maybe a few more than that. I understand that this story is slow and it's all over the place but I lowkey don't know what I'm doing here and I just write whenever I feel like. I didn't think that people would actually be able to relate to Anisha and how she feels.