Ben
December 25, 2005
*
Four months later
*
I down the rest of my bourbon, enjoying the burn, even though I barely feel it. I barely feel anything these days.
Here I was hoping to celebrate Christmas with... her, but instead I'm alone.
So fucking alone.
And I still can't bring myself to even think her name. How fucking pathetic am I?
The answer is very. I am very pathetic.
I should have known she'd run again, but I guess I just thought we were past that.
We were in love.
Or at least I was. Obviously, she wasn't, not really.
Red tells me that she's miserable too, but that's hard to believe. Why would she dump me and be upset about it?
That makes no sense.
Red must be lying, trying to make me feel better, but it's useless since I feel nothing.
Wait.
That doesn't make sense either. Why would Red care how I feel? She's probably relieved that I'm no longer around... her.
Shit. What is going on?
This alcohol is making my head swim. nothing makes sense. I can't think straight. Which is perfect for dealing with my obnoxious family.
I'll just continue to glare and ignore everyone. That's been going well so far.
Or not.
But what the fuck do I care?
While I was thinking about rings and our future, she was writing a pathetic excuse for a rejection letter.
Well, fuck her.
Fuck everything.
I don't give a shit anymore.
"Hey, man." Nate gives me a sympathetic look as he sits in the chair directly in front of me, invading my sight with his stupid face. "Merry Christmas."
I choose to ignore his holiday cheer, just like I've ignored everyone else's. I don't feel like celebrating anything.
Of course he chose the smallest chair in the room, just so he could annoy me. He looks like a giant trying to sit in a kid's chair. Idiot.
He's probably trying to get a reaction, but he's not getting shit from me.
Fuck him too.
"What the fuck do you want?" The permanent scowl on my face has worked on everyone but him. Asshole.
Even my mom left me alone. Damn, I should have tried this a lot sooner.
Her silence truly is golden.
"Well, okay Scrooge, no need to be a jackass." He sips his drink but doesn't leave.
Why can't he just leave me alone?
He's giving me a fucking headache. Or maybe that's the bourbon.
Really it's all her fault.
I blow out a breath, rubbing my temples, but the throbbing continues.
I need answers. I need to know what the fuck is going on.
"Do you think..." Come on man, just say it. It's just a name. I clear my throat, gathering my courage. "Do you think Kat is okay?"
"Who?" His face is just begging for my fist.
"Fuck you." I can't handle his shit right now. I'm trying to piece together a fucking puzzle in the dark while I'm missing most of the pieces.
And the room is spinning. Okay, that part might be real.
"Woah, woah. Chill out, dude." He holds up his hands in defense, but it only makes me want to punch him more.
I wonder if it's the bourbon making me violent or if I'm really this angry. Maybe I shouldn't drink this shit anymore, just to be safe.
"Sorry, dude. Thought it was just drunk rambling. Tell me what you're thinking." He looks genuinely interested, but it only annoys be more.
Yeah, right. Like I'm going to say anything now. "Just forget it."
"No seriously, tell me." The look on his face makes me wonder if he knows something, but he would have told me, right?
"You know like... how she is sad. What the fuck is that? Unless Red was lying, but she doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings, you know? So then why would she dump me and be sad about it? If Red isn't lying, then something is up. Right?" Shit. I think I see what he means about drunk rambling.
"Ness isn't lying. I've seen Kat myself. She's barely leaves the room. If its not you, then something is seriously wrong."
"You've seen her?" I don't know why I feel betrayed. Of course he's seen her, he's dating her roommate. But it still hurts to know she'll see him, but not me.
Fuck.
"Well yeah, just when I go to get Vanessa. She doesn't talk to me or anything. Just lays there, staring off."
What the fuck? Did something else happen? Maybe someone died? Her mom is already gone and she wouldn't be that upset over her dad, would she? Her sister, maybe?
Shit. Something definitely happened.
My brain is trying to go faster than I can keep up. Fuck. Why did I drink? I can't focus like I need to.
Something is up, I just don't know what.
"Yeah, bro. It's weird." How is Nate responding to my thoughts? Shit, did I say that out loud?
I must be really drunk.
"Yes, you are." He's laughing. Jackass.
"Fucking stop answering my thoughts. It's freaking me out." I lean my head back against the leather headrest behind me. Staring at the ceiling isn't helping.
Shit. I need to see her. I need to know what's wrong. It must be something really bad.
"So, what the fuck happened? Did you knock her up or something?" His face is completely serious, but mine must look like a cartoon character with my eyes popping out of my head.
"What?" I can't stop the laugh that bursts out of me. It physically hurts, since I haven't used these muscles in months.
He at least has the decency to look a little embarrassed. "Well, it's all we could come up with."
"What the fuck? Are you serious?" I can't believe they would think that about me. Then again, they don't know the truth.
"Well, yeah. She's been secretive about some envelope but Ness hasn't been able to find it. We thought maybe it was an ultrasound or some kind of medical documents."
"Well, it's definitely not that." I raise my eyebrows, emphasizing my point.
"Wait. Are you saying you guys never...?" His face twists in confusion and his cheeks turn red as he trails off.
When did he get so shy about this shit? He's usually the one bragging about everything, making me feel like a loser for being a virgin.
"Nope." Fuck. Why am I being so honest right now? Fucking bourbon.
"But..." He looks absolutely flabbergasted and if I felt like laughing anymore, I'd probably be rolling on the floor. "How? What? I mean, why?"
"Because it was all fake." I raise my eyebrows, to emphasize my point.
"What?" He jumps up, literally standing over me. "What do you mean fake?"
I shush him and glance around the room. Of course he drew everyone's attention.
I sigh, trying and failing to rub away the throbbing in my temples. When I look up, I expect him to be sitting back down but he's still looming over me.
"Come on, bro. I think we need to take a walk." He holds out his hand to help me up, but there's no way in hell I can go anywhere.
"You think I can walk? I can't even keep my thoughts in my head." I think I've won, but he doesn't move away. Shit.
"Alright, fine." He grabs me by the arm, pulling me to my feet with no effort. "Let's go."
"Where?" I act like I have a say, but he's practically carrying my ass around.
"Just shut up for 5 minutes." He pulls me out the back door, letting me lean on him for support.
I groan. "I said no to the walk, man. Come on."
"It's a short one." He stops in front of our old treehouse. Well, technically it was my treehouse, but Nate was in it just as much as me, so it felt like both of ours. "Come on, Doey, whatcha say?"
I had some awful nicknames, but I hate that one the most. All because he had lisp and couldn't say my name. Everyone in both our families thought it was just so adorable and it fucking stuck.
I smirk, knowing he hates his nickname just as much. "Yeah, whatever, Decky."
"Screw you." He shoves his shoulder into my side, which would have thrown me of balance if I wasn't already clutching onto his shoulders for dear life.
Oh, it's on now. Time to bust out one of the very uncreative childhood taunts our idiot classmates came up with. "Dicky Dec, bad at sex. Dicky Dec, he's a wreck. Dicky Dec, won't last a sec. Dicky Dec-"
He raises an eyebrow at me, but doesn't move. "Seriously? You know I'm the only reason your currently standing, right?"
Wow. That used to make him a lot more angry. I'm usually getting my head smashed in at this point, not just an empty threat.
"Yeah, yeah." I pull away from his grasp to crawl through the entrance but severely underestimate the distance to the treehouse entrance. My hand slips and I twist, landing ass first on a step. "Shit. That hurt."
Fortunately the alcohol is taking the edge off the throbbing, just a little.
I decide it's best to army crawl in and lay on my stomach across the wooden floor. It's not very comfortable, but there's no way I'm sitting up right now. Nate can't contain his laughter as he crawls in behind me, but at least he keeps his mouth shut about how stupid I just looked.
He sits cross legged in front of me, filling the space with his massive size. "I can't believe we still fit in this thing."
"Yeah, well, it is practically the size of the guest house." We always joked about how huge it was to us as kids, but I guess it's true. I don't think two grown men should be able to fit in a normal kid's treehouse. Then again, we weren't normal kids.
Nate clears his throat. "Alright, so where were we, again?"
"I'm gonna take a fucking nap." I roll over into my back, ignoring the pain, and throw my arm over my face to prove my point, but he's not having it.
"Oh really?" He laughs and starts punching me in the calf. That used to annoy me a lot more before I started working out, now it kinda feels good. Like a hard massage when you get a leg cramp.
My lack of reaction makes him switch tactics. "Doey, Doey, dough ball. Doey, Doey donut. Doey, Doey-"
I spring up and punch him in the arm, ignoring the literal pain in my ass. "Alright man, Jesus. Just shut the fuck up."
I realize too late that I got up too quickly and the musty room spins around me. I grab my head, but it doesn't help.
"Here." Nate pulls a water bottle out of God knows where and hands it to me.
"Where the fuck did that come from?" I look around the room as though I might have missed some secret stash.
There's a gleam in his eye that would normally make me nervous, but I'm too fucking thirsty to care. "Does it matter?"
"Nope." I chug it, enjoying the refreshing feeling. Before I realize it, the bottle is empty and my stomach is way too full of liquid.
His face is serious again and I already know what he's going to ask. "Okay, now that little Doey is happy. Tell me what the fuck you meant. What was fake?"
I decide to be honest, because why the fuck not? "All of it. Everything was fake."
"That doesn't even make sense." I know he's not trying to be annoying, but I'm imagining punching him. Maybe it's not the alcohol, maybe I'm just violent.
I sigh, frustrated that I need to keep talking about this. "We pretended to date, what more is there to understand?"
"Yeah, but why?" A look of hurt crosses his face and for the first time since it all started, I feel really bad for deceiving my best friend. "For how long? You guys seemed to really like each other. It wasn't all fake, was it?"
"Yep." I try to shrug, but I can't even get my body to believe it.
He's shaking his head adamantly. "No, no fucking way. I don't believe that at all. Nope."
Suddenly, my mouth feels like a fucking desert. I can't bring myself to tell him the truth. I tip the bottle to my mouth again, hoping to get the last few drops and maybe buy a little time.
Like maybe forever.
"Here." Nate hands me another bottle of water.
"Okay, what the fuck?" I try to look behind him, but don't see anything. Did he bring these with him? He was with me the whole time. When could he have grabbed them?
Nate laughs. "Don't worry about it."
I sigh, but take the bottle anyway. I decide I should probably sip this one instead. My stomach feels sloshy. Is that even a word?
"No, it's not." He chuckles.
"I said stop doing that. And yes, obviously everything was fake or else she wouldn't have dumped me in a fucking letter." My stomach is feeling even more sloshy now. We need to talk about something else.
"Why would she dump you if you weren't really dating?" Shit. He's got me there.
"Alright Sherlock. We were really dating towards the end, but she didn't really love me. That was obviously fake."
He wobbles his head back and forth. "Eh... I don't know."
I feel defensiveness rising up within me. "Well, I do."
He sighs, like he has any right to be frustrated with me. "Listen man, everyone saw you guys. You were the real deal, so stop lying to yourself. She even told the girls you were 'The One'."
Shit. I completely forgot about that. I can't tell him I was listening or he'll want to know what else I heard, so I have to pretend like I'm clueless? "What? Why would she say that?"
"Fuck if I know, but she did. Right before you broke up too. Seems a little suspicious doesn't it?" He has a point, but maybe she was just pretending. Although, I'm not sure why she would feel the need to when we weren't pretending anymore.
I'm not sure I'd call it suspicious, but it is weird. This whole thing is weird. "Yeah... I guess."
He gives me his best intimidating glare, but it doesn't scare me. Anymore. "It is suspicious and you know it."
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to relieve some of the pressure behind my eyes. "Okay, fine. Something is definitely going on. You happy?"
"Very." And he really does look happy. Which makes me wonder if this wasn't just some big elaborate scheme between him and Red. Even if it was, he does have a point.
Something isn't right. I felt that before this awkward conversation began. I felt it the day I read Kat's letter, but I couldn't bring myself to think about her long enough to even start piecing it together. It hurt too damn much.
Nate leans forward, breaking through my thoughts. "Okay, so, what are you going to do about it?"
I already know the answer. I've known it all along. "Whatever it fucking takes."