Elena.
This kiss reminded me of everything. Just like when he had kissed me earlier. I wanted to pull away, but I didn't have the courage to do so. I needed him. I wanted him still.
I know that this isn't right, but I wanted it to be. This felt like the first time. Where I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. Everything was simple back then.
He never pulled away, and so did I. We didn't want to...I could feel it. I didn't want to do this, but part of me did. Part of me missed this. I missed feeling this way towards him.
Everything that I was focusing on suddenly left my mind. I wasn't thinking clearly I could tell. I felt his arms lift me up under my legs and I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.
I remembered all of the memories I had with him when we would do this. It made me happy, and all of my worries just drifted away. Our kiss felt like the ones we've had before, but stronger.
Before I knew it, I was laying on the bed and watched him remove his shirt. I smiled and pulled him back to my lips. He laid on top of me and began kissing down my neck.
"Please tell me what you're thinking," he muttered while he started kissing along the rim of my chest.
I knew what he was talking about, and when I tried to say something, no words came out. I couldn't say anything. He made me speechless, like always.
"Please...tell me," he muttered once more and kissed under my chin.
"I-I love y-you S-Sh-Shawn," I choked out and his lips instantly crashed against mine.
"And I love you...so much," he smiled and winked and kissed me once more.
No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I wasn't in love with him...I am. And this night would prove that.
As we kissed I could feel the lust radiating his body take over as his grip became harder along my body. One of his hands slipped under my shirt as his other caressed my sides.
Second by second our clothes shredded off. His hands remained on my waist, controlling my movements. I could hear his heavy breath, and his groan.
A small moan escaped my lips, but I quickly bit my lip, trying to stop it knowing this was what he wanted. Although I wanted him in this way, I wasn't going to give in that easily.
"Baby please don't hold back on me. I love you," He said quietly in my ear, getting ready to push himself into me.
He then, slowly pushed into me causing a loud moan escape. It's been too long and I forgot how he felt inside of me. It was the first time all over again, I was hurting and I knew he sensed it.
His movements continued in a slow, loving motion.
"You're tighter than I remember baby," he said causing me to hiss.
I cursed under my breath, biting my lip in the process. His thrusts became faster, small cuss words left his mouth, making my body go weak.
His grip on my hips tightened, letting me know he was close. I could feel everything with him at this moment. The lust within his thrust. Our breaths became heavy, and I was unable to hold in any longer.
"Shawn," I breathed, gripping on tightly to his shoulders.
"Baby girl," he groaned kissing my lips lightly.
"I-I lov-love y-you," I said.
He didn't saying anything, his body concentrated on finishing us both. Our moans filled the room as his pace quickened. Grips got tighter, and we finally released.
His body collapsed on top of mine with his breaths still heavy. My chest heaved as he hid his face between my breasts.
I heard him mumble something, but I couldn't quite catch it.
"What did you say?" I questioned, letting my voice fill the empty room.
"I love you Elena."
I smiled slightly, placing a kiss on his scruffy, curly locks. I could feel him smile against me as I did so.
"I love you too Shawn."
As I said that, we both drifted off to sleep.
~~~
It was the middle of the night. I had been laying there for only a couple of minutes. My mind filled with multiple thoughts. The way I felt with him right now made me realize something. I had given him everything, again.
I was scared...I'll admit that. I don't want it to be this way. I don't want this to be how it all starts. I don't want to be that girl who comes crawling back after her boyfriend had left her. Because I'm not that type of girl. I may not appear that way, but I am. On the inside.
Even if we had just slept together, I was still scared. Although I do love him, I'm still scared. I'll probably always be scared. Because I don't want to get hurt again. Especially by him. I need him....more than ever now. But I don't want him to hurt me again.
I couldn't let him into my life that easily, even if I had just done so. He was mine and I was his...I know that. But it still occurs to me that I'll be that type of girl.
That one type of girl who you could easily walk over to, and get anything you want from her. When he and I were apart, I changed, and I will admit that. Each time the days would turn into months, to years, my innocence began to disappear, but not my soul.
I may not be as innocent anymore, but I will assure you that I am more independent now. Yes, a lot has happened over the past three years.
And I've missed him like crazy, I still do. But just feeling his body lay on top of mine made me feel safe and secure. But then apart of me doesn't.
Apart of me still felt hurt, and scared. I don't want to be put through what I had been through four years ago. Yes, I love him, but who says that he won't do something like that again?
What if he does end up leaving again? Will he put me in the same depression I was once in, and everything will just repeat itself? I can't possibly let that happen. I won't let it.
This time I'm not letting him go again. Although he hurt me, I still need him. It's me and him until he end, but still, I'm hesitant about the idea of being with him.
Even though this proved our love for one another, there's still apart of me that aches. It's not the part that aches for him to be near me, but for him to stay away.
If he thinks he can just renter my life like nothing ever happened, then he's wrong. Yes I need him, but how can I trust him? How can I be so sure of him not hurting me again? How can I ever put myself through that again? My body was rejecting his touch as I thought about what I was doing.
He hurt me, and I know that. But he loves me. But if he ever loved me at all, then why leave? To what brings him to the decision to where he can just come back into my life.
I mean I tried killing myself because of him. He put me through literal hell. I couldn't live without him, so I figured I wouldn't, but I knew that I couldn't just end my life because of a guy. A guy whom I loved and shared everything with.
I felt like completely nothing when I didn't have him, but now I do. I have him back in my life, but I still feel one part of me pushing him away from me. I couldn't trust him yet. I wouldn't trust him.
He didn't deserve to be trusted, at least not yet. He still broke my heart, and I broke his by leaving. In the end it all just comes back to haunt us.
When I'm with him right now, all of the pain and misery I went through started to fill my mind. It made me regret what we had just done. I knew I couldn't trust him.
I didn't want to now since everything that was flooding in my mind was all negative. Just as I got snapped out my thoughts, I looked down to see Shawn still buried deep in my chest snoring. I knew what we had did was a mistake now.
It was a mistake that I let him back into my life again. All of this was. I shouldn't have let him do this to me. He just messes with my mind all of the time. And he knows that. He knows the strong affect he has on me, yet he still does it.
He still takes control over me thinking that I'm this small fragile girl. But the truth is, I'm not. I'm not the same girl he once knew. I'm stronger than I was before, and I don't have to prove that.
His hands were still gripped tightly around my waist as I tried slipping out of bed. He wouldn't let go. I reached down for his hand and felt sparks course through my body, but I just ignored it.
I removed his grasp on me and slipped out from under him. I quickly went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible.
My hair was tousled, there were red marks all over my naked skin. My eyes looked as if I was crying before...which I was. Everything he had did to me started to fill my mind again.
I shut the door after grabbing a pair of clothes. I could feel tears start to build in my eyes as I thought about everything. I gave him everything I had again.
I felt the tears that were building inside of me start to roll down my cheeks. After I got changed I looked at myself again. I was still a mess. I put my hair into a high ponytail and looked at my neck.
There were red marks everywhere. All because of him. I sunk to the ground like I had did before and cried into my hands. I could feel my body start to shake from the amount of tears I was shedding.
When I finally had the courage to get up and walk out of the bathroom, he was awake waiting for me. I couldn't bare to look at him even if he was beautiful. I had to focus on what he had did to me.
He still hurt me, and no amount of love could ever change that. He had his chance to love me, and if he still wants me that way, then he'll have to fight for me. Because I know that I won't give in that easily to him.
Right now all I could do was avoid eye contact with him. His naked body was sprawled all of the bed. I tried not to snap in anger as I picked up his clothes and threw them at him. That's when I realized that I was crying again.
"I think it's time that you leave," I mumbled and walked out of the room into the living room.
"Wait...what?" I heard him say as he put on his clothes.
"This was a mistake...you should leave," I told him clearer and turned around to see him standing behind me.
"A mistake? How was this a mistake?" He sounded confused. His eyes almost made me melt, and give into him, so I retreated my eyes from his.
"Because it just was Shawn," I said while running my fingers through my hair and taking my hair out of the ponytail.
"But you said you loved me?" He said in remorse, and I just nodded.
"And I do love you, but this isn't right," I said and he tilted his head waiting for me to continue, "I can't just let you back into my life Shawn."
"Why? Was it something I did?" He asked and I nodded.
"You left me Shawn! And that's the reason why I can't have you in my life," I said and he held his head down.
"But we love each other," he whispered and put his hands on my shoulders.
"You're right, we do love each other, but we can't be together after everything that has happened," I said which made my heart fill with pain.
"Elena, please don't...do this...I need you," he said and I nodded.
"And I need you too, but how can I trust you?"
"You can trust me Lena. I won't hurt you again. I won't leave you, you can't make me," he assured and tighten his grip on my shoulders.
"Then just give me sometime. We can't do this right now Shawn. I need to know that I can trust you," I said and he nodded.
He started walking towards the door, but then walked back towards me and gently kissed my cheek as a tear rolled down it.
"Goodbye Elena," he mumbled as he walked out the door.
"Goodbye Shawn," I said and after that, he closed the door behind him, and I fell to the ground shedding endless tears.
We really just said goodbye to each other didn't we? I hugged my knees and continued to cry. No matter what, my heart started to ache again.
There was a massive hole in my chest now. That hole was where my heart used to be. But now it's not there. I left it with him...just like everything else. Everything is about to change in our lives... Absolutely everything.