I silently back out of Jared's room and stumble my way to the chair outside the door most recently occupied by Jimmy. I know I can't go much further than this, so I sit there, my head in my hands, trying to process what I've just witnessed.
Jared. Katia. They're back together? When? How? Why?
And why is there a stabbing ache tearing through me right now?
I know why and this realization changes everything, puts all of it into sharp perspective where it belongs, where it should have stayed.
I'm sitting here like an idiot, wanting to cry, and jealousy's eating me alive. I'm fucking jealous! Jared Leto would never have been interested in someone like me in the first place, so I have no reason to be jealous. I'm not on the same playing field as Katia Valkov. Not even close, no matter what she did to screw him over. I still don't know what it was that broke them up, but it doesn't even matter now. Whatever it was, Jared's obviously forgiven her.
Sure, he kissed me out there in Oak Creek Canyon, and for those few minutes, yeah...I wouldn't be human if I didn't entertain at least the hope that the intense rush of feeling that filled me is mutual. But just like I did that night at the State Fair, I should've come to realize that Jared and I are two different people in two different places in life. He was playing a part even back then, the part of a burgeoning, unbelievably gorgeous rock star with all that being an unbelievably gorgeous rock star entails. And the other morning in Oak Creek Canyon, he just did what he knew would win an argument with me.
Through the roaring whirlwind in my head, I think about what being Jared's 'constant companion' will now entail in light of Katia's re-entry into his life, and it's clear that my zero-bullshit tolerance level is going to lose me this job before it's barely begun. Even if I'm 100% realistic about where Jared and I stand, I detest that woman and I won't be able to hide it.
As I sit there with my head in my hands, I finally admit it to myself. Down inside me, underneath the awful, nauseating jealousy, what I am more than anything is pissed. Because what it really boils down to is that I'm good enough to help Jared go to the bathroom and wipe his ass—something he'd no more ask the ice queen to do than she'd ever dream of doing it—but the ice queen gets his love.
Pissed, jealous. What's the difference? I fooled myself into a place where both can thrive inside me and I hate myself for it.
Well, fuck it, then. Fuck him. They're welcome to each other.
The silent makeout session in his room is continuing, and I want to get up and walk away before they talk. I have no desire to listen to how much Jared missed her, or that he forgives her transgressions, whatever those may be. But I'm rooted to the spot. As much as I don't want to listen to them as they begin speaking, even going so far as to plug my ears like a little kid, I begin to pick up on every single word despite myself. Damn my excellent hearing and damn my body for refusing to leave this chair.
"Do you see now?" I hear Jared say. "It meant nothing. I felt nothing. Not jack shit." A pause. "They don't give out Oscars to bad actors, Katia."
"Mmm. You invite me here and kiss me to prove you don't care about me? How ridiculous. I don't believe you, Jared. I know you too well. You want to fuck me again, I can see it. And you will fuck me again."
"No, I invited you here to tell it straight to your face that I'm over it. Believe whatever spins around in that twisted head of yours, Katia. Go tell it to Kris. You remember Kris, the husband you were supposed to leave, the one you somehow neglected to mention to me for three goddamned months? The one you as well as your father conspired with to use me to further your career?"
"Oh, Jared. It may have started that way, I admit, but..." her voice takes on a light, lilting quality. "Darling, Kris and I have an understanding. You of all people should know that Kris has other...interests." A short silence. "I allowed you time to get past all of this, and to think about what damage you could do to yourself if you end it between us. I was certain you'd have come to your senses by now." Jared says nothing to this, and in a low steely voice, no longer lilting or playful, Katia says, "I'd hate to think you're telling the truth, Jared, that you truly no longer want to spend time with me. I'd hate for Papa to think it."
"You're threatening me?" Jared's voice has a note of amusement but I detect the edge, the venom beneath it. "Really, Katia, that's pathetic. Reduced to threats to keep a fake boyfriend. Doesn't speak too highly of you, does it?"
There's a bang against the wall behind me, and a clatter as whatever was thrown falls on the floor. The thick Russian accent makes a sudden reappearance as she hisses, her voice trembling, "Damn you! You will not screw this up for me and humiliate me, Jared! Not if you know what's good for you! You cannot do this to me!"
Jared's voice is a lethal snarl. "Get out of here, Katia, and don't come back. Don't call, text, message me on any socials, and don't even think about coming near my house, my family, or my friends."
"You...you bastard! You'll regret this. I promise you that!"
"Believe me, I already do," Jared calls after her as Katia storms out of his room, not giving me so much as a passing glance as she flees down the hall toward the elevator bank.
I'm stunned by what I've overheard. Completely stunned. And while I don't have a full picture of what went on between Jared and Katia, I've now certainly gotten a better idea of their relationship, and it doesn't escape my notice that not once did Katia inquire or show the slightest concern about Jared's well-being or what he'd been through.
I wait a few minutes before stepping into his room. Jared's powered his bed down some, and his arm is thrown across his face, hiding his expression. I watch him for a few moments, wondering if I should say anything or if he'd prefer to be left alone.
I'm just about to turn and leave the room again when Jared moves his arm and sees me. Quickly he turns away, wiping at his face, but not before I see the tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I begin, not totally sure what I mean by that.
"It's okay," he says, drawing a deep, shaking breath.. "I needed to get that over with." He beckons me to him. "Come here, Lanie."
I go to the chair next to his bed, but Jared stops me. "Not on the chair. Here." He points to the bit of space next to him, directly on the bed itself.
"Oh, I can't," I protest. "There's not room for me."
"Sure there is. Just come here and lay on your side by me."
"W-what?" I stammer.
"I mean, unless you don't want to," he shrugs. "I just...never mind." He looks away. "Goddamnit, I hate how I sound right now."
I stand beside his bed. "Like how?"
"Needy. I'm not like this. Or, I never used to be like this. Being vulnerable isn't something I'm used to. It really kind of sucks."
I carefully sit on the edge of the bed and study my careworn fingernails. "I tried to keep her from coming in here. But she said you'd called and invited her."
"Uh-huh. I did. As soon as she found out where I am she started in, first on me, then on Stevie, who's the only one that hadn't blocked her yet. She also tipped off the paparazzi, knowing it'll make everyone's life hell, not just mine. I knew she wouldn't stop unless I told her directly and face to face that I'm through playing her fucked up games, so I did."
I keep studying my fingernails. "Yeah. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I heard quite a bit of it. I'm sorry."
Jared shakes his head. "It's okay."
"Do you really think she'll retaliate somehow?"
"I don't know, and I don't know how she could without making herself look ridiculous, spiteful and petty, but with Katia and her father, you can never be sure. Ivan Valkov is...well, he's a rich, powerful prick who can buy and sell a hundred guys like me, and believe me, he does. He pretty much masterminded whatever passed for a relationship between us, to give Katia a PR boost. She couldn't get it any other way, sure as hell not from her acting talent. There are a very few things in this world money just can't buy, and respect as a true artist? That's one of them." Jared scoots over a little more. "Can you move my leg over this way a little?"
"Sure." I gently lift his cast and the pillows supporting it, sliding it over a few inches. "How's that?"
"I don't know. Lay down with me and see."
I stare down at him. "Jared, I really don't think that's a good idea."
"I think it's a great idea. Come on." He pats the vacant space beside him. "Please."
I hesitate for one more second and then, carefully, gingerly, I lay down beside him. Immediately his arms slide around me, pulling me tightly against his body, and I completely stiffen up.
"This would be a whole lot nicer if I didn't feel like I was holding a board. Relax, Lanie."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
Why not? Because his body is pressed against mine, that's why not. Because I can feel the rise and fall of his chest against my cheek. Because his lips are only inches away. Because his arms around me are the most incredible, wonderful things I've ever felt, next to his lips on mine. Because anyone...his mother, his brother, Shelby, Dr. Lange, Jimmy, one of the floor nurses...any one of them could walk in on us right now and the awkwardness of that would be unbearable. And finally, because all those feelings are coming back, those feelings that maybe...maybe...
But that passionate kiss I witnessed between him and Katia was nothing more than an act on his part. Which begs the obvious question...when is Jared acting and when isn't he? How can I tell?
"I just...can't," I whisper. "Anyway, I didn't know this was in my job description."
Jared's chest rises and falls in a long sigh. "Look at me," he commands softly.
I tilt my head upwards. His eyes are so very close, so very blue. "No, it's not in your job description. And this is definitely not part of your job either, but I'd give anything to kiss you right now."
I can't say a word. I can only stare at him, and at those lips, remembering how they felt on mine. My head swims and a warm flush permeates the rest of my body.
Jared's smile is rueful. "But I can't kiss you right now. I'd need to have you do something for me first. It would require you to get up again, and I really don't want you to. Not yet."
"What is it you need me to do?" My voice is breathy, soft, and sounds nothing like my own.
"I want my toothbrush and toothpaste." He makes a face. "I kissed Katia. I want to get that bitch out of my mouth."
I wait beside the bed as Jared brushes his teeth, spitting the paste in the cup of water he dipped his brush in, then rinsing from water in another cup. I take the brush and cups and empty the cups in the bathroom sink, then set the brush down. Then I return to Jared, wondering if the spell's been broken. It probably is, and I know that's for the best. My emotions are running way too high to think clearly, but think clearly I must. Jared's made me his employee, and as such I need to stop thinking about him in ways that I absolutely shouldn't be. And he needs to stop making me lose all sense of perspective.
But Jared smiles and beckons me toward him, and I know he wants me to lay next to him again, and he's going to kiss me and I'm going to let him and I'm going to lose my mind once more.
I slide back onto the bed and Jared's arms close around me. But this time, he doesn't hesitate at all. His mouth finds mine almost instantly. Despite the softness of his lips, there's strength in his kiss, in the way his tongue slips into my mouth and finds mine, and I know he can feel the way I tremble in his arms as his kiss reverberates through me, all the way down to my toes.
Just like the first time, Jared moans, a low sound deep in his throat. And this time, so do I. His fingers plunge into my hair and twist it like before, and the kiss goes on and on.
Vaguely at first, then with sharp awareness, I realize that his hands have left my hair and are traveling down my back, where he presses me even more intimately close. He's also somehow managed to turn on his side and between my clothes and the thinness of his hospital gown I can feel him...all of him...rocking gently but insistently against a part of me that's coiled and tense, hot and pleading for more.
My God. Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God."
That isn't my thoughts. Those are words spoken aloud, and not by me or by Jared.
That is someone else in the room.
That is Shannon.
I freeze, and Jared pulls away from me with a sigh. He casts a disgusted look at his brother, who's standing in the doorway looking almost as embarrassed as I feel, and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die right here and now.
Jared grumbles, "Your timing really sucks, Shannon."
"Well, in case you've forgotten, you're in a hospital with a busted leg. Under the circumstances, I really didn't think I'd have anything to interrupt." He puts his hands in the air. "Sorry, guys. I'll go. But just be glad it was me who walked in on you and not Mom." Quickly he leaves, his laughter trailing him out the door.
I bury my face in Jared's silky hair. "Oh, God. He's right. If it had been your mother..."
A rumble of laughter vibrates the bed. "She'd probably be thrilled."
"Thrilled?"
"Yeah. She really likes you, Lanie. And if I was ever capable of a real relationship, I think she'd want it to be with someone like you." Jared turns over onto his back again and I hurriedly sit up and get his leg back on the pillows, my mind in a whirlwind of confusion at his words.
If he was ever capable of a real relationship? What does that even mean?
I get up off the bed and straighten my clothes and hair. Awkwardness is in every move I make, and I can't even look at Jared now. I've made a complete fool out of myself with him. Again.
"What's wrong?"
Nothing. Everything. "We..." I mumble, and gesture vaguely at his leg. "You can't be moving around like that. I mean, you just had surgery yesterday."
"No. It has nothing to do with my leg. I took it too far, and I'm sorry," he says, and sighs. "I don't think I've made much secret of the fact that I want you, Lanie."
Those words should have me singing with joy, but the tone Jared's using to convey them is something else entirely. I bite my lip, waiting for the but I clearly hear implied in his confession.
"But I can't ever cross that line with you. Not if I value the place you have in my life more than I value having sex. And I do value that place you have in my life, Lanie. Much more than you can possibly imagine."
***
That evening, I sit out on Constance's deck, sipping a cup of herbal tea and gazing at the unfamiliar scenery of palm trees and brilliant, sweet-smelling flowers lining the edge of her backyard. Roscoe and Polly flank the Adirondack chair, and occasionally one of them nudges my hand to be petted. I indulge them, my mind drifting this way and that, but mostly I reflect on what happened that afternoon, replaying every moment, every word, every non-verbal cue, but mostly, replaying the way Jared kissed me and pressed me so tightly against his body that I knew his words about wanting me were nothing but the truth.
And then he basically locked me into the friend zone, and managed to make it sound like that's a higher place in his life than sharing his bed would ever be. Given what I little I've read and know about Jared's healthy sexual appetite and the casual way he's indulged in it, he's probably right. But hours later, my head's still spinning from his kiss, from his touch, from the way he drew me in, both physically and emotionally, and made me feel like I'm part of him.
But I'm not. And while he might have dismissed Katia Valkov from his life, there will be others once he's recovered and back to his normal self. Living with him as his constant companion, I'll see it all. It's inevitable. That they're temporary indulgences of his won't make witnessing him with a parade of beautiful women sting any less.
I close my eyes and sigh, nodding to myself as I make a decision. Once Jared's past enough of his recovery to start dating again, he won't need me around anyway. If Todd or the police are still after me by then, Shelby and I will simply flee to Mexico as originally planned. At that point, the money I'll have earned will ensure a great start on building our new lives south of the border. It takes very little money to live comfortably in Mexico, and thanks to Jared's generosity, I'll have more than enough.
I'll keep my distance. I won't let him in again. I'll be professional, but at the same time, I'll be the good friend he wants me to be. It's easy to be Jared's friend, really. At least, the Jared I've come to know. I'm not sure about the other guy that as a high-profile celebrity he also has to be. Hopefully I won't see much of that other guy before it's time to go.
Roscoe nudges my hand again. I open my eyes, sip my tea, and pet him, allowing a semblance of peace to fill me. That peace drowns out the nagging voice inside me, the one full of warning, whispering that none of this will be quite so simple.