ok but i just remembered
that yuri is only nineteen in this book
nineteen
i'm
~
"i want to see you but you're not mine"
yuri was holding his breath under the water, and all he could see above the surface was light - uncertain, wanted and painfully bright.
yuri.
stop holding your breath.
yuri closed his eyes against the still water and blinding lights on the bathroom ceiling, and he tended as his body starting to beg for oxygen.
yuri.
stop holding your breath.
"...i'm drunk, and i want to fuck you..."
yuri's chest was bursting.
yuri.
stop holding your breath.
"...watching me while i sleep, are you?"
yuri.
it'll stop hurting if you breathe in water.
yuri opened his eyes, and water stung his vision as his body started screaming for air; the bruises on his body were aching under the pressure and the strain as he willed himself to stay under the water.
one.
"...and you let him put his hands in your fucking jeans..."
yuri couldn't breathe.
two.
"...listen to me...baby...please..."
blood was rushing in his ears against the still bathwater.
"and one day, we are gonna go up to heaven...you and i...and if there isn't a heaven at all...we're gonna go somewhere better, baby...but i'm gonna keep loving you until the sun does die...and the stars do go out...no matter where we are..."
three -
"yuri?"
he broke through the surface, gasping for air, shaking water out of his eyes and trembling under the wide skylight in the ceiling of the apartment phichit chulanont and leo de la iglesia were living in.
"yuri? a-are you alright?"
phichit's voice was timid from outside the bathroom door, and yuri had to take three deep, slow breaths to stop his voice from shaking before he spoke.
he didn't want phichit to worry about him.
"yeah," he called, drawing his knees to his chest and listening to the swish of water. he leant back, soft, wet skin met with the coolness of the bath - not victor nikiforov. yuri was unable to smell the scent of vanilla, aftershave and lemon that he longed for, and unable to hear the beating of victor nikiforov's heart beneath soft, wet skin as he leant back. "yeah...yeah...i'm fine..."
he was cold under the water, although he was sure he could feel the warmth of victor's touch against the swish of the water that he had felt only days ago, under the bright lights of his bathroom.
"...i should've let chris fuck me..."
yuri ran his soaking hands through his hair, before he stood up with another swish of water, and wrapped a towel around himself.
"...we could die right here..."
yuri stepped outside into the hall, and went down into phichit's bedroom, where his thin black bag was on the bed.
"...right now..."
he pulled on the black jeans ripped at the knees he'd stuffed into the black bag that had lain under his bed in that ground-floor apartment he knew all too well beside the photograph of his mother and mari.
"...listening to the 1975..."
he pulled on a plain baby blue shirt, and a black blazer, before his phone buzzed and drew his mind away from smashed glass, ice and lilac watercolours.
you think it's victor?
is that it?
yuri paused by the bed, unsure of whether to pick it up, hands reluctant, chest tight as if he were struggling for air underwater once again.
do you want it to be him, yuri?
is that it?
"you smell so good."
yuri bit at his bottom lip.
"bubblegum, wasn't that what you said?"
he brushed a strand of dark, dark hair from his eyes, and started over towards where his phone lay, still as bathwater.
"vanilla, wasn't that what you said?"
"and lemon. and aftershave."
yuri's eyes widened as if he had cut his hand on glass.
akio: yuri
akio: i want to see you
yuri's breath caught in his throat, and once again, he was drowning.
akio: please
akio: look i'm sorry about the party
this isn't real.
akio: yuri
the message flashed up new, and yuri was screaming underwater, although no one could hear him.
"yuri? are you coming down? are you alright?"
akio: i know you're with leo
yuri couldn't breathe.
"yuri?"
akio: i sort of told leo i was your boyfriend
yuri couldn't scream.
akio: i met him at some party i can't even remember a while back
akio: got drunk
akio: started talking about you
can'tbreathecan'tbreathebubblegumcan'tbreathelemoncan'tbreatheaftershave
akio: he texted me when you got there
akio: last night
akio: i take it he doesn't know about victor
one.
akio: yuri?
two.
"yuri?"
three.
yuri slammed his phone down, and felt the water filling his lungs as he sank down on the bed, and started to run at his forehead with shaking fingers.
"yuri?"
thisisn'trealisn'trealvictordoesn'tloveyouthisisn'treallistentomebabyyousmelllikevanillaaftershavethisisn'trealandlemon
he turned to see leo in the doorway, looking at him whilst he bit anxiously at his index nail.
"are you ok?" he asked, before his bronze eyes widened a little. "oh...y-you're bleeding..."
yuri looked down at the blood running down his hand; he hadn't realised that he had been gripping his phone so tightly that he had cut three of his fingers on the cracked glass screen.
white shirts, a vodka bottle smashed against the wall and blood running down victor nikiforov's hand blinded him like ceiling lights in the bathroom.
"you take your pills?" leo asked, and yellow books and the slamming of soft palms against the wall shone so bright it hurt.
"yeah," yuri managed to get out, nodding slightly, drowning, unable to see, text messages and white shirts closing his vision along with the dark, heavy, still water.
"you're not ok, are you?" leo said quietly, before he came over and sat down next to yuri. he gingerly put his arm around yuri, who leant against his shoulder, eyes still fixed on the blood that had run from his fingers onto the carpet.
"akio tanaka isn't my boyfriend," yuri then said, quietly, closing his eyes to blot out the blinding light.
"r-really?" leo stammered, sounding confused. "i...well...what are you - "
"please don't let him come here," was all yuri could manage to say, all other needed explanations and words unable to swim to the surface. "leo," he repeated, leaning into the cocoa-haired boy's t-shirt. "please - "
"he said he was your boyfriend," leo said, confused, biting at his lip nervously. "at some party. god, yuri, he - what's wrong? why are you crying? yuri?"
yuri hadn't realised that there were tears running down his face, onto leo's blue shirt, blurring the blinding light and stinging his eyes.
breathe.
yuri, come on.
listen to me.
"...listen to me...baby...please..."
"yuri? what's wrong? talk to me, yuri, what's wrong? is it that akio? why are you talking about him? what did he do? did he hurt you?"
"...i want to see you but you're not mine..."
"leo..." yuri started off, sitting up and running both hands through his hair once again. "i-it's nothing."
"yuri," leo whispered, and reached out to touch yuri's arm. "don't lie to me."
he looked at yuri with worried golden eyes, and yuri smiled at him as best he could, before he started picking at the loose black thread of the knees of his jeans.
"it's nothing," he repeated, sniffing hard and biting at his bottom lip absentmindedly, drawing blood. he opened his mouth to say more, but the words didn't come. leo sighed, and turned to face yuri with a rustle of bedsheets.
"phichit is sleeping downstairs," leo murmured, looking straight into yuri's eyes. "you don't have to be worried about getting him all anxious, ok?"
leo smiled at yuri sadly, and bronze hair fell awkwardly into his eyes.
"talk to me, alright? you can talk to me, yuri."
"why don't you talk to me?"
yuri nodded slowly, and pulled at the silky grey lining of his rolled-up sleeve.
"i don't have to tell you a fucking thing."
words to describe akio tanaka used all their strength to swim up and up, by yuri's mind was swimming with thoughts of vodka and chapstick and lilac watercolours. he lay back on the rumpled sheets on the bed, and lay did the same, so that the two of them were lying facing the plain white ceiling.
"have you ever loved someone, leo?"
yuri's voice was almost inaudible, and leo didn't respond at first.
"i-i don't know if it's love," he stammered out in a confused whisper, and cars passed them by outside in the cool white daylight. "there's...there's this boy i met...in the centre phichit and i were sent to..."
yuri smiled slightly, but his eyes didn't move from the plain white ceiling overhead.
"he's called guang-hong," leo went on, and yuri saw a smile start at the corners of his mouth. "he was there because he had some drug-addict assholes for parents...listens to nirvana and radiohead...and he's got a walkman..."
leo laughed softly, and ran his hands through his hair.
"but love him?" he asked, turning his head to one side to look over at yuri. "how could i begin to answer that? i mean...i-i don't know, i guess - "
leo stopped, and yuri sighed, drew one knee towards him, and started messing with the threads of his black jeans ripped at the knees.
"why do you ask?" leo said, looking uncertainty and the dark-haired boy in the blue tee and white blazer lying on the bed beside him. yuri closed his eyes lightly, and shook his head a little.
"because when you know," yuri muttered, thinking of undo and cigarettes and chocolate, "you know, leo."
leo gave a soft laugh.
"so that's it? you don't tell me what's going on, or why you've cut you're hands or don't tell either phichit or i why you've turned up here, but just give me some clichéd love advice?"
yuri looked over at leo, before turning back to look up at the ceiling again.
"leo," he started off, brow creased and eyes closed. "there's nothing good about being in love."
the tapes started playing; smashed glass, the 1975, ripped jeans, denim jackets, the rough carpet of the bedroom in that ground floor apartment against his cheek, the pulsating music in chris giacometti's apartment when the boy with the silver hair and blue eyes red-rimmed from whatever he'd been passing the time with "just for the hell of it" came up to him as he leant against the grey-painted wall streaked with alcohol.
there was a held silence, in which leo started to run the sheets between his thumb and the index finger who's nail he had been biting before.
"god," yuri laughed, rubbing over his face with his hands and letting them slide into his dark, dark hair. "what a fucking cliché."
leo turned his head to say something, but before he could, he was cut off with the door of the bedroom being pushed open, which made the both of them jump and yuri gasp for air as he once again smashed through the surface of the water.
"um," phichit started off, nervously rubbing one ankle against the other. "yuri...there's someone to see you..."
no.
it's not him.
it can't be him, yuri.
leo looked over at yuri, who's heart was held still as the water's surface in his chest.
"who?" he forced out.
it's not him.
"i..." phichit started off, "i-i don't know...he's got dark hair..."
yuri opened his eyes to the blinding light that was so bright it hurt, and got up off the bed slowly.
"then who is it?" he asked again, and phichit shook his head.
"i-i don't know...he's downstairs..."
leo followed phichit out of the room, casting one last look back at yuri, who felt the waves start crashing down on him when he saw from the cracked, glowing phone screen how many messages he had.
akio: yuri please answer me
akio: look i'm coming over
akio: i just want to talk to you
yuri took one deep breath, letting the water fill his lungs, and breathed out shakily. he looked out at the white light catching the glass of the open windows, nudging at the soft curtains pulled back - white as victor nikiforov's blood-stained shirt - and thought of that last page in that yellow book he had reached up on the window sill, in which light kissed the sea and spread out indefinitely.
he dug his nails into his soft palms to stop himself from shaking, and headed out of the door, without looking back once at the blood-stained denim jacket that had the scent of vanilla, aftershave and lemon on its lapels.
the voices got more audible as he got further down the stairs, leo's and phichit's, and -
"yuri."
he closed his eyes, water filling up his lungs as he screamed underwater, and yuri katsuki opened his eyes to see akio tanaka leaning against the back of the couch, dark hair in his eyes, looking straight at him and giving him a slight smile.
yuri said nothing, and only looked away from the blinding light above the water's surface that he knew was no longer to be clung to with the hope of breathing in air again.
em is so sorry she knows this story is really shit but !! she'll try update soon !! and loves you all lots and lots !!