We pulled up to my mother’s house, Kayden in the backseat. She was fast asleep, having been woken up at six this morning. I unbuckled her carseat and lifted her out, cradling her close. Today was making me nervous.
It was court day. Today would determine if I was able to keep Kayden or not. Today would determine where I would be tomorrow. Today determined a whole bunch of things. And that scared me most of all.
I walked up the front steps to my parents’ house and rang the doorbell. I kept Kayden cradled close and I could feel her drool fall onto my shoulder. I kissed her forehead as I waited for someone to open the door.
It was a cool morning and it matched the mood. The sun was still rising, yet it was hidden behind the clouds making the morning look gloomy. How appropriate. There were no happy sounds of birds chirping or frogs crocking in the nearby pond. It was silent. It made me feel even more anxious than before.
The front door opened and Mona stepped out. She was wrapped in a robe and was sporting a pair of cheetah house shoes. She looked as if she had just woken up, hair knotted into a bun and make up smeared from the night before. She gave me a sly smile before opening her arms to accept Kayden. I placed her in Mona’s arms, kissing her cheek once more before letting go. My heart started to pick up.
“Good luck,” Mona whispered.
I nodded before waving goodbye and leaving the steps. I walked back to the car and crawled in. I watched as Mona cuddled Kayden closer, no doubt having the same feelings I was, and closed the door behind her. I was separated from my daughter, which sickened me. I prayed that I would only be separated from her for a couple hours and not days. God forbid if Blake ended up with her.
The drive to the courthouse was the longest drive of my life. I kept thinking scenarios out in my head, what I would do if the judge ruled in either favor. The whole drive, I prayed that it would be in mine.
I arrived at the courthouse, the pale white, outer walls taunting me. I could see Ryan planted outside the courthouse, waiting patiently for me to arrive. Blake and Teresa weren’t much farther behind, pulling up beside me, flashing me a devious smile before landing each other a kiss. I rolled my eyes, grabbed my purse, and exited my vehicle. I met Ryan at the front and he gave me a reassuring smile.
“We’ll be fine,” I promised. I looked over at him graciously. It was the only thing I had to hold onto, those words. They gave me hope.
We filed into the court room, the judge not in sight. The patrol officer was planted at the front of the room, between the witness stand and the pulpit, watching as citizens entered the room. I followed close behind Ryan, walking through the gate and to the front left table.
I gulped, sitting down in the far left chair, as far away from Blake and Teresa as possible. Ryan placed his suitcase down on the table, unlocking it and rummaging through it to find what he needed for his case. I glanced around, catching eye with Madison, who was seated in third the row from the back. She glanced over at me, giving me a half-smile.
“Good luck,” she mouthed. I gave her a nervous smile back before turning back around to face the front. I folded my hands in my lap and pressed them between my knees, hoping to stop the nerves from intruding any longer.
At that moment, I heard Blake’s voice followed by one I knew all too well. The last time I heard it, I was back in college. He had told me he didn’t know where Blake was, although I knew he did. He was watching out for Blake and he never really like me anyhow. I whipped around and my seat and sure enough, my guess was confirmed.
Jack Reynolds was entering the room, following in suit of Blake and Teresa. He said a few more words before sitting a row behind their table. He glanced over at me, his brown eyes bore into mine. He gave me a mischievous grin. I turned to look at Madison and she was already looking in my direction. She had the same question upon her face as I did. Why was Jack Reynolds here?
The judge appeared not to long after Blake and Teresa had seated. He was dressed in the traditional black robe and his head was shaved. He wore upon his face a pair of glasses and he looked to be in his early forties. He glanced around the courtroom before coughing and slamming his ladle on the podium.
“Order in the court,” he demanded before taking his seat and a deep breath. He glanced over at the patrol officer and gave him a nod.
“The trail will now proceed,” he declared, stepping forward to say this. I felt my heart start to race. My breathing came in short intervals and I felt like I was going to pass out. Ryan must have noticed because he planted a hand on my arm to calm me. I glanced over at him and he nodded, telling me it was going to be alright.
“Teresa Smithson, you have the floor,” the judge announced. She smiled and nodded before proceeding to stand and take some papers with her. She walked over to the patrol officer, who took them and scanned them over. He then proceeded to give the papers to the judge, which glanced over them and motioned for her to start.
“Your honor, as you see in the evidence, Isbell Murphy is unfit to take care of her child. She has been caught ditching her daughter on weekends to party into early hours of the morning. She has also been known to neglect her child in these instances,” Teresa claimed. I felt the blood rush to my face as the anger started to build up inside. I always hated lying and to an official, it sickened me. I couldn’t believe they’d do such a thing.
“I see,” the judge stated, glancing down at what I’m guessing was the same photo that was plastered all over the media, thanks to Blake. I saw him glance over at me with a smug smile and it took all I had in me not to storm over there and wipe that smile from his face.
“She has also been reported to abuse my defendant, Blake Williamson, the father of her child,” Teresa added. She glanced over her shoulder at me and I could see evil seep from her eyes. The way she was seeming so convincing scared me.
“I object,” Ryan said, shooting up from his seat. He looked down at me, giving me a slight nod. I felt relief start to fly over my body. Ryan said he had a good case and he was about to give it to them.
“Those facts have not been proven,” he stated.
“Evidence dismissed,” the judge said before waving his hand at Teresa to continue.
“Your honor, Isbell Murphy is unemployed at the present time and is not in the condition to support a child. She is currently on her second boyfriend in four months. It seems as if she has an unsteady household,” she claimed. I felt my heart start to pound at her words. If the judge paid close attention, he would see that me having two boyfriends in less than six months seemed a little sketchy. She was right, it wasn’t very stable, but Kayden and I were doing well. Anthony was just a bonus. Now, don’t get me wrong I loved him. But, he wasn’t what I needed to support us. Speaking of which, glancing around the court room, I didn’t see him. This made my nervousness increase.
“Taken to submission, thank you Mrs. Smithson. Mr. Dawson, please proceed,” the judge stated. I glanced over at Ryan who gave me a reassuring smile. He stood up, fixing his suit and making his way to the front. He coughed slightly and turned to face the few people that were sitting in on this case. He motioned at them, holding his arms out and enveloping them into his arms.
“Your honor, Blake Williamson has been reported falsely accusing Mrs. Murphy of abusing and neglecting her child. These accusations are inaccurate. As you see, Mrs. Murphy has not been seen in any local bar in the past five years. The last occurance was Mrs. Murphy’s college graduation,” he stated, emphasizing college graduation. He glanced over at Blake and he looked at him, glaring. No doubt killing him in his mind.
I knew what Blake wanted. He wanted to hurt me and the only way he was going to accomplish that was by taking my daughter. I saw him glance over at me and I felt like getting sick. He wasn’t going win. There was no way I was going to let him win.
I don’t really remember the rest of the court scene because I was sickening myself with nerves. I had to keep swallowing to keep whatever was threatening to come up, down. I was steadily reminding myself to breathe, and I hadn’t realized that the verdict was about to be stated.
I clasped onto Ryan’s hand, no doubt crushing every bone in his hand. I could see him wince in pain beside me, but my attention was focused on the judge. He was glancing over the last few bits of evidence, nodding his head or shaking it slightly. Blake was sitting next to Teresa, who had busied herself with fixing her appearance. Once again, I felt the bile rise in my throat.
The judge shuffled the papers and folded his hands on the podium. He glanced over at me and then at Blake. He swallowed and nodded his head in our direction.
“Will the verdicts please rise,” he stated. I slowly stood, feeling my knees wobble, knowing any minute now that they’d give out. Ryan helped steady me, placing his arm under mine and holding me in place.
“I grant Blake Williamson sole custody of Kayden Murphy,” he said. I felt like the world was spinning. I fell into the seat behind me and stared at Ryan dumbfounded. He told me that we were going to win. He told me I was going to keep Kayden.
“Isbell Murphy is to have her daughter every other holiday and school breaks,” the judge stated. I found it hard to breathe. I glanced over at Blake and you could tell he was excited that he had won this. He won my daughter. That sick bastard took my daughter away from me.
“Also, the days Mr. Williamson is across the globe, Kayden is to stay in school and be cared for by Teresa Smithson. Case dismissed,” the judge said before standing up and exiting the room. I saw Teresa engulf Blake into a hug. I thought I was going to be sick. I stood up and made a mad dash for the bathroom.
I flew into the stall and puked up everything in my stomach. The room was spinning and I fought desperately to calm myself down. My breaths were in short, raspy gulps. I stood up, feeling the headache that had just arrived and flushed the toilet.
I couldn’t stop them. They just fell. They fell like a river down my cheeks, leaving nothing but salty tears in its path. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I can’t believe I lost it. I couldn’t believe my daughter wasn’t going to be with me anymore. I was only going to get to see her during breaks.
I didn’t even know where Blake lived. What if she needed me? What if she wanted to see me? I couldn’t hold my daughter when she was upset. I couldn’t hold my daughter when she grew up and had a boyfriend who broke her heart. I couldn’t be there to congratulate her on her exceptional report card. I wouldn’t be there for her first day of high school. I wasn’t going to be there for her first prom. I wasn’t going to be there.
Once again the tears overcame me and I don’t know how long I stayed in the bathroom. All I knew was my world was falling apart and there didn’t seem to be light at the end of the tunnel.
* * * * *
“Come on, Kayden. Please, just put your shoes on,” I desperately cried, trying to put the sandals on my daughter’s feet. She was due to leave in less than an hour and she had been crying all morning. When I broke the news to her, she literally fell to pieces.
“Mommy, I don’t want to leave,” she whimpered, the tears falling out of her eyes. I felt a lump rise in my throat. I couldn’t cry. I promised myself I would be strong for Kayden, for us. I knew she didn’t want to leave, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“It’s only for a little while,” I soothed, brushing her hair out of her face. I could see the tears spilling over now and her nose was snotty. She looked at me with sad eyes and I had to avert my gaze in order to keep my composure.
“You’re going to go with daddy and have fun, okay?” I whispered, telling myself the same thing. I had to believe that it was going to be alright. Everything was going to be alright. I still got to see her, even though it was a lot less than now.
I finished putting her shoe on and she jumped up, slamming into me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I could hear her shaken sobs and my heart broke. I hated seeing my daughter like this and knowing why she was in so much pain made it even worse. I tightened my arms around her small, fragile body and held her. I didn’t want to let her go.
We sat there for about fifteen minutes before Anthony came in. He looked stressed and he gave me a sad look. I glanced up at him and stood up, Kayden planted on my hip. I walked us over to him and wrapped my free arm around him, Kayden doing the same. He wrapped his arms hesitantly around us and I looked up at him, questioningly.
“Mommy, I want to stay with you and Antoni,” Kayden cried, almost inaudible due to the sobs escaping her mouth. I cuddled her closer, Anthony placing his hand on the back of her head. He kissed it before leaving the room, not once taking the time to look back. I knew what this was doing to him. She was his world. He loved my daughter like his own. It pained me to see him like this.
“I know, bug. But you’ll see us again. I promise,” I whispered against her golden locks. I wanted to cry, the lump becoming unbearable but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I needed to be strong. I had to be strong.
I pulled Kayden’s face from the nape of my neck and faced her to me. Her eyes were bloodshot from all the crying she was doing. Her face was matted in snot and tears. I smiled at her, hoping to lighten her mood. I swallowed hard, trying to rid myself of the lump it had grown.
“I love you,” I said quietly.
“I love you too, mommy. More than the moon to the sky,” she hiccupped, trying to stop herself from crying anymore. She saw how strong I was being and I knew she was trying to do the same now. Like mother, like daughter.
I placed her down on the ground, kissing the top of her head. I walked over to her bed, grabbed the jacket I had placed on it and wrapped around her body. I leaned down to look in her eyes, the blue sea in rough waters.
“If you ever want to call me, daddy knows the number. Tell him to call me and you can talk, okay?” I asked. She nodded her numbly, not looking into my eyes. I sighed, bringing her in for a closer hug. I could tell her sobs were picking back up again and pulled her away. She looked me in the eyes this time, knowing she had to.
“Kayden, you are a big girl,” I said weakly, the tears slowly seeping their way through. “You know that I love you and so you have to be strong. You need to stop crying so you can be strong. I love you so much, Kayden.”
I wrapped her into a hug again and this time I let the tears fall. I held her so close I didn’t want to let her go. She was my everything. She was the only thing that mattered.
“Mommy, don’t cry. Remember? Strong,” she whispered. I laughed, kissing the top of her head. At that moment, I heard a car pull up and my heart stopped. It was time to let my baby girl go. I wouldn’t be able to tuck her in tonight. I wouldn’t be able to wake up to her smiling face tomorrow. At that, my crying became harder as I pushed myself up and grabbed her hand.
All her luggage was by the door already, waiting to be taken out. Anthony was nowhere to be seen as I opened the door. Blake stood there, smiling like he won the lottery. I could have slapped him. He glanced down at Kayden and immediately his arms shot out, hoping for a hug.
“Hey there princess. Are you ready?” he asked. Kayden looked up at me for an answer and I gave a slight nod with a smile. Kayden looked back at Blake and nodded her head, placing her thumb in her mouth, an act she hadn’t done since she was three. Blake held out his hand for her to take and she did. She glanced back behind her shoulders, making sure I was coming while Blake pulled her to the car. I grabbed her luggage, closing the door behind me.
We reached the car and Blake helped Kayden into it. I saw Kayden look through the window, out at me as I placed her suitcase in the backseat. I looked through the window, placing my hand on it. She did the same.
“Take care of her,” I hissed in his direction. He had made his way to the side I was standing on, having started the car a moment ago. Blake looked at me with a smug expression.
“You know I will, Isbell,” he smirked as he found it funny I didn’t trust him. How ironic, because I didn’t. I glared over at him, telling him I didn’t find it funny. I took my hand off the window and pointed my finger at him.
“If you do anything, and I mean anything to her, I will snap you like a twig and drown you in the river,” I spat. I pushed passed him, making my way for the door. I could hear a laugh behind me before a car door slamming shut. I stopped in my steps, twisting around to watch the car drive down the road, my heart with it. I couldn’t help the tears that fell.
I turned back around to slowly make my way for the house. All I needed right now was Anthony to hold me until I fell asleep. I didn’t care if it was two o’clock on a Sunday afternoon, I needed a nap.
I opened the door and found another set of luggage next to it. I glanced around the kitchen, confused as to what was going on. Anthony was standing next to the counter, staring off into space as I made my way over to him. He didn’t notice me standing next to him and I could tell that something was up. I leaned closer to him, trying to snap him out of his trance.
“Anthony, honey?” I questioned, becoming nervous because he wasn’t answering. I was about to snap my fingers in his face when he shot up from the counter and made his way to the door. I stood, shocked, by the counter. He grabbed his luggage and glanced over at me, a mixture of sadness and anger all in one. He opened the door and walked out.
I quickly flew from the counter to the door, watching as he made his way to his car. I could see more than just one suitcase in the car and I knew it wasn’t a business trip he was going on.
“Anthony? Where the hell are you going?” I yelled. He glanced over at me, making his way back over to me. I could see the pain in his eyes as he pulled me into a hug. It wasn’t a normal hug I usually got from him, full of love and lust. This hug was embellished in sorrow and apologies. I glanced up at his face, looking deep into his sad brown eyes and I suddenly felt nervous. This wasn’t going to end well.
“I’m sorry about Kayden. But I just can’t do this anymore. You’re not the same person you used to be,” he whispered. He leaned into kiss my forehead but I shot out of his arms. I looked at him, not knowing what to think. He was just going to up and leave after the one thing that mattered to me left not but a few minutes ago?
“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” I choked. He looked back at me, painful eyes looking into mine.
“I can’t handle this. I’m not made for this. I told myself over and over that I could make it through all of it. But, Isbell. I can’t. I’m not the guy who can sit back and take in all the stress and torment that I’ve been through. It’s tearing me apart. I’m sorry, but I can’t stay any longer,” he said, the shaky voice evident in each word he said. I watched him as he swayed back and forth on his heels, not knowing what to say anymore.
I felt the lump grow even more at the back of my throat. I thought I could handle Kayden leaving, but him leaving? He was supposed to be my rock. The one who would hold me until I cried my eyes out and help me figure a way to get my daughter back. He was supposed to love me through thick and thin. And he didn’t. I couldn’t believe what my ears were hearing.
“So you’re leaving? You’re not even going to try?” I asked him, wiping the stray tear that had made its way down my cheek. He glanced away from me, turning back to his car not answering my question.
I went after him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I couldn’t believe he was walking away from me.
“What about the whole marriage thing? Why did you bring it up if you didn’t want to be with me?”
He stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned around to face me. I could see he was struggling with the words he was trying to say. He ran his hand through his hair and glanced down at me.
“I wanted to. Isbell, I really wanted to,” he answered. I felt myself let out a smirk at his answer.
“But you changed. You started acting like someone totally different. You’re not the same woman I fell in love with. After a while, I started just sticking around for Kayden. She needed someone who cared and loved her, not that you didn’t. She just needed a manly figure and now that she’s gone, I don’t see the reason to stick around anymore,” he finished. He turned to leave and I felt my heart breaking. I couldn’t believe what he was doing. I love him. I did, but he didn’t love me back, or anymore as he just said.
I watched as he made his way for his car. His brown hair blew in the wind and I found myself being barely able to breathe.
“So that’s it then? You’re just going to leave me?” I yelled. He shot his eyes in my direction, leaving me with the pain that he was feeling. He slammed the car door shut and put in it reverse. As he drove down the street, I knew my life was over.
I lost my boyfriend, for one. And then I lost my daughter on top of that. I was nothing without them. I didn’t know if I could go on.