27.
Two days had gone by and I hadn't gotten better, in fact, it seemed as if I was just getting worse. I didn't have high hopes for Nick texting me or even ringing me, but I had tried and I felt a little less hopeful everytime he ignored it.
I had had my fair share of boys in the past but no one quite like Nick. I hadn't ever felt like this before. The things I felt for Nick were so strong, so real, now he's gone all those feelings felt just as strong. I wanted him back with me, I needed him and he knew it.
I still didn't know why he left. He said he loved me, he said he didn't want to leave but he had to. Why? Why did he have to go? For university? I knew it was his dream but I'd have gone along to support him in anything he did. Maybe he just didn't love me anymore, I guess that was okay.
My heart didn't feel okay, though.
Someone needed to come and pick up the pieces.
I hadn't eaten much these last few days. I'm sure I was losing weight and it took so much effort trying to get out of bed every morning. Dad still had the shop shut and I was grateful, I couldn't work feeling the way I did. I could barely walk without shaking on the pads of my feet.
Love really took a toll on you and a part of me regretted ever falling in love with him. I should have known this was never going to work. He was a playboy, a ladies man and I guess a leapord never changed it's spots.
I shook my head. I couldn't think like this. I loved the man so much, I knew I couldn't continue like this. He obviously wasn't going to come back to me so I needed to move on.
But even the thought of doing so took the breath out of my lungs. I didn't want to move on, I didn't want to be without him full stop.
"Cathy?" My dad's voice came out from behind my bedroom door. I laid in bed and as I stared at the ceiling, I willed my tears to stop. I was going to run out of them.
"Yeah?" I croaked back. I heard him sigh.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure." My voice was small but he heard me nonetheless. The door creaked open moments later and he hesitantly walked in to the room, a look of apprehension on his face. His comical stare was laughable, I just didn't have it in me to laugh.
My father sat at the end of my bed and looked to me, his face one of guilt and one that seemed out of its depths. He didn't know what to do with a broken hearted girl and I was right there with him. What could you do when your heart felt in two?
"You haven't eaten for days." He stated. "And you've barely gotten out of bed." I nodded my head but I knew my stare was vacant.
Glenn sighed again.
"I will literally call the doctors if you don't start improving. This isn't healthy, love, not one bit."
"I know." I breathed. "I can't help it." I wanted to go back to my normal self and I knew one day I would. I had gotten out of this state before and I knew I could do it again, but this time it felt a whole lot different. It was easier to get rid of someone hurtful than to bring back someone who doesn't love you anymore.
He said he did but the more he goes, the less I believe him.
"You can't give up on him yet, Cathy, you know that don't you?"
"What more is there to do?" I looked to him, I knew he could see the pain in my eyes.
"You're my daughter, we don't give up the fight." He stated.
"You did. Mum married another man and you were left lonely, dont you get that?" I asked. "The woman who left you didn't love you anymore, just like Nick doesn't love me. You can't force something if it's not there."
"You really believe there isn't something there between you and Nick?" He spluttered. "How many times do I have to point it out? Nick wouldn't have ever acted the way he did over just anybody. He didn't act like he did for anything but the fact he adores you. There's something up with him at the moment and you have the power to get it out of him, you know, you're the only woman with the power."
"I don't know." I just didn't know. It hurt to think and thinking made it all the worse. I didn't want to lose all hope but I didn't want to gain any either, just incase. I wanted to fight for us but how much did I have to fight? I didn't see Nick trying to save us, he only ever wanted to leave lately.
"You need to go and talk to him properly." He stated.
"I've tried."
"Then keep trying." He pressed further. "I gave up too soon with your mum, Cathy, way too soon. You can't make the same mistakes as me, you can't let him brush you off like this. Settle this before you go insane."
I felt already passed it.
Just as I was about to open my mouth and reply to my father, my phone rang on the side table beside my bed. My heart sky rocketed, could it be Nick on the other end of the phone? What would I say if it were him?
I knew I couldn't let myself feel hopeful like this but I just couldn't help it. My father looked to the phone and urged me to answer it. I almost jumped to it.
Once I saw the caller ID, my heart fell. It wasn't him but it was Emily. Emily never rang me, we texted a lot but she never really rang. If she wanted me she would usually ring Nick first.
I picked the phone up without hesitation.
"Hey?" My greeting was almost a question. Was everything okay?
"Cathy, what the hell is happening?" She gushed down the phone. Her voice was full of shock and irritation.
My father left the room quietly, he gave me one last look before shutting the door behind him.
"What do you mean?" I questioned.
"I swear to Jesus if this is true I'm going to flip a shit."
"What are you talking about?" I'm sure Emily always talked in riddles. I never quite understood what she was trying to get at but that made her more the endearing.
"Xavier's just announced the news that Nick had left you!" She was getting louder on the phone as the seconds went by. As soon as she said the sentence, I couldn't help but burst in to tears. "Oh, no, Cathy. I'm so sorry, honey." Her voice was now a lot softer and I couldn't help but cry all the more.
"I miss him already." I stated. "I just want him back."
"I know." She soothed. "I don't know what the fuck he's playing at."
"I love him, Em, I really do." I couldn't help but state what I was feeling. I knew Emily knew my feelings for Nick the first ever time she saw me. She could read me like an open book, I knew it. I felt so vulnerable but it was so comforting to know that she new exactly how I felt.
"I know, babe." She sighed. "I know exactly how you're feeling. Xavier and I never had an easy relationship, you know. We broke up at one point and it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. It's hard to watch the man you love go, no matter who calls the shots."
"I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and it's killing me."
"When you're lost you either die or you make your way home." She stated. "And you're going home, Cathy, Nick saved my relationship once, it's time for me to do the same back."
"But what if he doesn't want me back? What if he doesn't love me?-"
"Don't be so absurd!" She shouted. I jumped and the phone nearly fell out of the grasps of my hand. "Meet me at Nick's apartment this afternoon."
"Why?" I asked. Was I ready for that today? I had barely left my bed since he left. Could I really put myself through any more trauma?
Emily and Xavier knew nothing about my step dad and what he did to me. That was also a big part of this.
"We're going to sort this and we're going to sort it together." She said. "So get ready and make a clear head."
"I don't know if I can do it-"
"You're doing it." Emily stated. "And try not to be so hard on yourself. It's destructive."
*****
I caught the bus to Nick's apartment. It was different to the feel over his rusty old van but I'd take it over this bus any day.
My heart was beating fifty miles a minute and it seemed the further we got to his apartment, the worse it became.
I wanted this to go well. Would Nick welcome me with open arms or push me away? I wanted him to want me and I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. If this didn't work this afternoon, then I didn't know what would. Maybe then, I'd have to give up on us. I can't be the one making all this effort to get us back.
If he didn't want me, I wanted chance to move on.
Once I got to the apartment, I saw Emily and Xavier standing outside. I exited the bus and made my way over to them.
"Hey, babe." Emily hugged me tightly and I willed the tears to stay in my eye sockets. Xavier gave me a quick hug which was so like Xavier before moving away.
"Are you sure he's in?" I asked. He could easily be working or out with his friends. When did he even leave for Italy? He barely told me anything about it.
"Xavier text him this morning. He's in all day." She said. "But I think he's in a bad way." She looked to Xavier and he nodded solemnly. "He only replied to Xavier by text, he wouldn't answer the phone when we rang him." She shrugged.
"Luckily I've got a spare key or otherwise we wouldn't be seeing him at all today." Xavier stated. God, was he really that bad?
Xavier led the way and Emily and I followed after him. I was almost shaking as we made our way to his apartment. The elevator ride felt like it took forever but it realistically only took a few seconds.
I remembered the memories we had in this elevator, the first time he took me to his apartment was my most fondest. Something he never, ever did with a girl.
I was the first and now probably not the last.
Once we got to Nick's apartment door, the loud music coming from behind the wooden door was easily heard. Once Xavier unlocked and opened the door, the music was now ten times louder and it shook the whole apartment.
Emily looked to me with furrowed brows but it did nothing to comfort me. Once all three of us were inside of the apartment, Xavier turned to us both.
"I think it's best if I talk to him alone!" I had never heard Xavier shout even when it was just to be heard over the music.
I looked around the floor and there were beer bottles and vodka bottles thrown all across the floor. Some were smashed to smithereens and some were whole bottles.
I gasped at the mess of the apartment.
"No." I shot out. "I need to see him." Now I was here, I wasn't going to leave without him. This wasn't the way he usually lived and there was no way I was going to let him live like this, with or without me.
The apartment was a pig sty and there was no doubt Nick was the same.
Without further instruction, I started to walk around his apartment to find him. My movements were rushed and the longer it took to find him, the more worried I became. This behaviour just wasn't Nick and something was off.
I almost ran to his studio. The small room that held all of his feelings and thoughts. As soon as I opened the door, I knew he was in there.
Nick was leaning against the wall opposite me, the painting of me beside him. All of his pictures across the wall were now ruined and damaged, they looked as if they had been shredded with scissors or punched by bare hands.
The only photo in tact was the photo of me.
"Nick!" I shouted over the music. His eyes were closed and his head lulled against his chest as he heaved. He started to grow a beard and his eyes were puffy and extremely baggy.
He didn't hear me.
I rushed over to him and crouched beside him. I wished the music would just shut up!
"Nick!" I shouted again. He heard me this time and his eyes shot to mine. They were blood shot and very red. Even though he was looking at me, his eyes were glazed and were not focusing.
He was drunk.
Extremely drunk.
"Shit." I breathed. I went to touch him but his body flinched away from it. I looked to him with ears pooling my eyes.
Where was my Nick? What had he done to himself?
"Cathy." He slurred. "What are you doing here?" His mouth was almost turned to a sneer.
The music suddenly turned off and a few moments later I could feel both Xavier and Emily stood behind me.
"I came to talk to you." I said. "I came to make things right."
"What's there to make right?" He laughed but there was no humour involved. "Nothing's right."
"Nick-"
"Leave me alone." He sneered. "And don't touch me. His words made me jolt back as if he had shocked me. I felt as if his words hand burnt me beyond repair.
Xavier stepped forward just as soon as I flew back from him.
"That's enough now, Nick." Nick pushed Xavier away forcefully. Xavier didn't seem effected by it but there was a bit of irritation there in the depths of his eyes.
"Don't be a fucking twat, Nick." He growled.
Emily laid a hand to Xavier's shoulder, knowing what Xavier was capable of.
"Get yourselves out of here." Xavier stated to the both of us, but looking in to Emily's eyes. We didn't move. "Now." He snapped.
Just as he said those words, Nick took a hold of the painting of me that was still unfinished. He looked at it for a few seconds before throwing it across the room. It fell to the floor beside me with a loud bang.
I stared at the painting for what seemed like an eternity.
"All of you get the fuck out of here." Nick slurred. "You need to get her away from me." Nick pointed to me and I felt the force of it.
Emily grabbed a hold of my hand and dragged me out of the room. I didn't struggle against her grasp but I continued to stare at the thrown painting of myself on the floor.
I was almost in shock.
This wasn't Nick.
He painted me with love and affection, he painted me and he kept me there beside him. Now, I was thrown to the floor without a second look.
As soon as I was out of the room, Emily took me in to her arms and I broke down.
I could still hear loud noises coming from the studio room. I so desperately wished everything would be right again.
I was lost and this time, I wasn't going to make my way home.
How could you move on when you're heart wasn't home?