That was so hard for me to do. My heart is broken even more. But I had too. This isn't good for us like it used to be. Unless he changes. It's even worse that we live together. Whenever I get back from Canada, I'll have to face him. I guess I'll just be around waiting for him to change. But what if he doesn't?
I feel so stuck. He is the only one I want to be with, but how can I stay when I know how toxic this is now. I love him with everything in me. I swear my heart is so broken.
I got up from off the ground and took a deep breath. I need to just breathe, pull myself together, and leave. I packed the clothes that I had on the bed. I can fit a few more outfits and a few pair of shoes in here. Then put smaller things in my purse. I don't know. I took another deep breath. I heard the front door shut making me stop. Maybe Justin left.
After about ten minutes, I finished packing and grabbed all my stuff together. I put as much as I can into the suitcase. I put my purse on my shoulder and shoved my phone into my sweatshirt pocket. I rolled my suitcase out of the room then stopped in the hallway. I heard quiet voices down stairs. It sounded a bit like Scooter. I wiped my tears away one more time and took another deep breath.
As I walked down the stairs, I saw Scooter sitting on the couch while Justin sat on the other with his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face. Scooter looked back as he heard me come down stairs. Justin picked his head up quickly. His eyes and face are red and puffy from crying. Scooter stood up.
"Hi Scooter" I said to him.
"Hi Jamie" he said back. "Heading to Canada?" He asked me. I nodded.
"For a little while" I told him.
"How are you getting to the airport?" He asked. I felt Justin's eyes on me, but I just stayed looking at Scooter because I knew if I looked at Justin, I would cry. I shrugged.
"Uber maybe" I answered. I sighed. "Yeah, Uber. I guess" I told him.
"Kenny is about to head back out, you want him to take you?" He asked me. I nodded.
"Yes please" I said quietly. He nodded too.
"I'll go tell him before he leaves" Scooter said then walked out the front door quickly. I looked around before my eyes landed on Justin who's still staring at me. All I saw was sadness as I stared into his eyes.
"Don't look at me like that" I quietly begged.
"You're leaving me. How else am I suppose to look at you?" He said back. I sighed again quietly and looked down at my feet. I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I grabbed my suitcase and started to walk towards the front door, but it opened making me slow down. It was Scooter.
"Kenny is ready to take you" He told me then looked over at Justin then me again. He stepped aside opening the door wider for me to walk by. I stopped and looked back at Justin. His head was in his hands again. It was a bad idea for me to look at him because I started to cry again. I looked ahead and just walked outside as I sobbed. I feel like I can't catch my breath. I saw Kenny standing by the end of the SUV with the trunk open.
"You ready little J?" He asked me. I guess he knows since he wasn't asking why I was crying. I nodded as I stopped in front of him then held my hands over my face as I cried harder. I heard another car pulling up the driveway, but I don't even care to look. "Hey just breath okay?" I heard Kenny say to me.
"I'm trying" I managed to say as I moved my hands and looked at him. He was frowning.
"I'm sorry" he said to me as he put my suitcase in the trunk.
"Yo whats wrong?" I heard Ryan Goods voice. I looked over to see him walking over to me.
"J-Justin and I b-broke up" I told him and he just sighed. "A-and I'm leaving" I added. His eyes widened a bit.
"Oh shit I'm sorry" He said back to me. He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder as I continued to cry. "Take a deep breath. I know it's hard, but you're strong." He tried to help me.
"I feel like I can't b-breathe" I told him as I tried to control my breathing. I wiped my tears and he kept his hand on my shoulder.
"Where are you going?" He asked me.
"The airport. I'm going back to Canada for a while" I told him. "I can't be around him. He promises he will change, but he has had plenty of chances to" I explained.
"He needs you, Jam" he said and I shook my head. I went to talk, but I heard the front door slam shut. I turned around to see Scooter walked down the walkway to us and Justin behind him. Scooter noticed Justin was behind him and tried to stop him.
"Nah bro" Justin said to Scooter moving his arm away from him and walking past him. Scooter stood there in defeat. "Stay" Justin said to me as he walked closer.
"Justin-" he cut me off.
"Please. Jamie, stay. I'm begging at this point. Don't leave" He begged as he stood in front of me. "Baby I'll change. I will work so hard for you" he pleaded.
"How do I know you will actually change? You aren't happy. It's why you act out right? That's why you take pills now with your friends and lie about it, right? And the second we aren't together you are already hooking up with other girls. So how I do know that whatever you tell me is the truth?" I raised my voice a little again.
"I-I-" he looked defeated. "I didn't think I'd actually ever lose you for real" he told me.
"And you took advantage of that" I said back quietly.
"Just because I'm not happy with life right now, doesn't mean I'm not happy with you. I'm always happy with you. You're my everything. But life, right now, is a lot of pressure. I'm starting to fucking go crazy! You know this!" He started to raise his voice a little too. "I'm losing hope in everything! I am getting more and more hate every day. Everyone wants to see me fall. I've been through so much lately. So am I happy with life, no! Everyone wants to see me fucking break. The pressure is too much for me. And I'm not going to lose you in the process of it all" he ranted to me.
"I'm sorry it all happened. You know I am. I was by your side through it all. But at the end of the day, you would take it out on me. After you would drink or take whatever drug you were taking and say you were just tired or drunk. I was always there. Even when you made me feel like shit. I was there" I snapped. I watched more tears fall from his eyes just like mine.
"So what now I'm a bad boyfriend?" He asked with attitude now.
"No!" I said back throwing my hand up and rolling my eyes. "This is just toxic. Do you not see that?" I asked confused. He scoffed.
"I said I'll change" He said back. "Please babe"
"You've said that before" I quietly said, but loud enough for him to hear me. "We're done. Have fun with all those girls you chase after the second I always leave. Goodbye, Justin" I said then turned back around to go to the car. I opened the car door then looked over my shoulder back at Justin. I watched as tears stream down his face then he shook his head and turned around storming back to the house. I let out the sob I was holding in.
"Hey hey just sit" Ryan said helping me into the car.
"You sure you want to go?" I heard Kenny ask me. I looked at him standing next to Ryan. I nodded.
"Please" I begged trying to take deep breaths.
"Get there safely, kid" Ryan said before shutting the door. I put my purse on the seat next to me and put my hand on face trying to stop crying.
"You ready?" Kenny asked me.
"Yeah" I answered him then leaned back against the seat as he started to drive. I just stared out the window.
"Is there anything I could do? We can stop somewhere before the airport for food" Kenny tried to help. He's always so sweet.
"No thank you. I appreciate it though" I said back. I can't wait to go back to Canada. Hopefully it will be relaxing and I can think about what I'm going to do. I'm not even going to tell anyone I'm coming. I don't even want to explain to anyone even though I know there is going to be a lot of questions.
***
I took a deep breath of the Canadian air as I stepped out of the car. As my driver grabbed my suitcase from the truck, I stared at my moms house in front of me. Both her and Jeff's cars are in the drive way.
"Thank you" I said to the driver as I grabbed my suitcase. He nodded his head with a smile then started to walk back to the drivers seat. I rolled my suitcase up the driveway and up the walk way to the front door. I don't have my key so I rang the door bell and waited. Then the door opened to reveal Jeff. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
"What are you doing home? Get in here!" He said happily making me smile. I walked in and he pulled me into a big hug. "What a surprise" he told me. I giggled.
"Yeah. This is much needed. Where's mom?" I asked him.
"Upstairs. Does she know?" He asked. I shook my head. "Laurie!" He yelled at the bottom of the steps. I put my purse down on my suitcase.
"What?" I heard her yell back making me laugh a little.
"Come here!" He yelled back. "She's watching a show right now" He told me. I smiled at how much I missed them. I heard her coming down the stairs.
"What's goi-" she stopped talking once she saw me. "Jamie! Oh my god!" She said then covered her mouth with her hands. She quickly walked over to me and grabbed me tightly.
"Hi mom" I said as we continued to hug. I felt my tears coming again. I didn't cry the whole plane ride.
"What a wonderful surprise" she said pulling away. I tried to keep my cool and not cry. "Are you here by yourself? Or is Justin here?" She asked me and thats when I broke. I started to cry again. "Oh sweetie" she said and pulled me into another hug.
"Again?" I heard Jeff quietly.
"What happened Hun?" She asked as I pulled away again. I wiped my tears for what felt like the hundredth time today.
"I think we are done for good. I told him the relationship became too toxic and I lost trust in him. We got into a fight again, like we always do now, and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. He begged and begged for me not to leave him and that he will change and it hurt so much. It pained my heart so so bad to leave him, but I felt in my heart that I needed to come here and take a break from my world over there" I explained to them. "I don't know when I'll go back or what is going to happen when I do, but if I can just stay in my old room until I'm ready to go back-" my mom cut me off.
"Of course you can. For as long as you need" She told me.
"This is still your home too, kid" Jeff said to me. I nodded and smiled a little.
"I'm going to bring my stuff upstairs" I told them as I grabbed my purse.
"I'll take the suitcase" Jeff said rushing over to my suitcase.
"Thank you" I said to him then we all walked up the stairs. As we got into my old room, I looked around. Wow. I haven't been in here in the longest time. "Do you guys mind if I go see Ally for a little? I know I just got here, but I need my best friend right now" I said to them both.
"Do what you have to do. We will be here" my mom said rubbing my back. Then they walked out of the room. I sat on the bed and took my phone out of my pocket to text Ally.
____
Me: wyd?
Ally: with the guys at Ryan's
Ally: what's up
Me: you guys just chillin?
Me: I need you rn
Ally: yeah we just ordered food so we are just hanging out whats wrong? want me to call u?
Me: I'll explain in a few
_____
I locked my phone and shoved it into my pocket. I walked back out of the room and down the stairs.
"Can someone take me?" I asked my mom and Jeff.
"Yes. Come on" my mom said standing up. "Just let me grab my keys" she told me. If only Ally knew I was here.
As we reached Ryan's house, I quickly thanked my mom and jumped out of the car. I ran up the yard and ringed the door bell. The door flew up to reveal Ryan.
"Yo!" He yelled in shock.
"What?" I heard Chazs voice. Ryan smiled and hugged me.
"Hi Ry" I said as we hugged. We pulled away and I saw Chaz and Ally behind him. Ally's jaw dropped and she ran so fast and wrapped her arms around me.
"I can't believe you are here! Oh my god!" She said loudly as she didn't let go of me.
"I missed you" I told her then she pulled away and I walked over to Chaz.
"Hey JC" he smiled as he hugged me.
"When did you get here?" Ryan asked me.
"Like an hour ago" I answered him.
"Justin didn't come with you?" Chaz asked me. My smile slowly dropped and I looked at him and shook my head.
"Oh no" I heard Ally say making me look at her. "You stopped smiling when he said his name. And that look in your eyes, what happened?" She asked me. She knows me too well.
"We're done. We broke up, I packed a bag and got on the next flight here" I told them.
"It's bad this time, isn't it?" Ryan asked. I nodded.
"Well we just ordered pizza so let's just chill and catch up" Chaz said with a smile. I smiled too. I'm glad to have them. We all sat down on the couch and a wave of sadness hit me all over again.
"It's okay" I heard Ally say quietly as she put her hand on my back. Then I let out a sob again and leaned against her. She wrapped her arm around me to comfort me. "I'm sorry" I heard her say as I cried into her arms. I heard a phone start to ring, but I completely ignored it and didn't care if it was mine or not.
"It's Justin" I heard Ryan say quietly. I sat up again and looked over at him. He stood up and answered the phone as he walked out.
"What happened?" I heard Chaz ask.
"We got into the huge fight and I decided I needed to get out of the house and away from him because we have become toxic and I told him that. I told him I-I was leaving and-" I stopped and cried again and tried to stop myself.
"It's okay take your time" Ally said in a soft tone as she rubbed my back.
"He begged and begged for me not to leave. He said he would change and that he didn't want me to leave him" I stopped to take a deep breath to make sure I don't start sobbing again. "He started to cry and followed me outside and kept begging me not to leave. It hurt so much more. My heart feels s-so completely shattered. I had to get away though. I-I couldn't even look at him and he made it so much harder to leave. Watching him beg a-and cry broke me even more" I explained to them. Ryan walked back into the room and looked at Chaz.
"Come here" he quietly said to Chaz then looked at me with sad eyes before he walked out again. Chaz got up and quickly walked out of the room.
"I'm sorry that happened" Ally said to me.
"I don't know what to do" I said to her. "I love him so much. So fucking much it hurts. But our relationship isn't really the same anymore. Yeah he stills shows me love and makes me happy, but there's times where he is just so mean to me when he's not in a good mood or something happened to make him angry. Or he just accuses me of some bullshit. It's getting to the point where I can't even go hang out with my friends that are guys without him freaking out on me. But it's okay for his friends to come over and bring a few girls. He's just not the same. Don't get me wrong, he shows me affection and can still be so sweet, but sometimes it's like a switch flips and it's all gone. It just doesn't make sense to me. And I-I don't want to live without him, but how can I stay when I'm breaking down little by little almost every day. It's not healthy" I ranted to her.