I'm exhausted, my head thick with sleep. When I drink, I hardly sleep at all. I just pass out cold for hours, then I wake, sick with fear, sick with myself. If I have a day when I don't drink, that night I fall into the heaviest of slumbers, a deep unconsciousness, and in the morning I cannot wake properly, I cannot shake sleep, it stays with me for hours, sometimes all day long.
I heard a knock on the door, it was dad. He came to see me if I'm awake or not. I know I drunk a little last night and passed out. It's nice when you wake up, you don't have to hurry for office. It's nice to see your family when you wake up. I've started feeling good now. It's just been one day and I'm feeling good, Yes practically I'm feeling sick because of the alcohol but emotional and mentally I'm feeling good. Dad just gave me painkiller, kissed me on the forehead and left. He knows what I feels like sometimes. He is the best. I'm feeling so happy and fresh from mind. I opened my arms, closed my eyes and feel the air. I can feel the happiness in my head. It's not killing me today. I looked at the clock, it's 11.00 am. Wow, I never slept this much in London excepts Sundays. I grabbed my phone and opened Instagram. I was checking it out and I received a text from Emily.
Emily:- Hey beautiful! Morning.
Me:- Hey, Morning! Sup?
Emily:- Just making sure, we'll still on for the reunion?
Me:- I don't know Em, I'm not sure yet.
Emily:- fuck your surety, you're coming and we're going to the mall for some shopping in 2hours. Get your lazy ass off your bed and get ready, we'll have breakfast, lunch and dinner out just like old days.
Me:- I can't win from you, can I?
Emily:- No babe you can't, now Go get ready.
Me:- K. Bye
I put the phone aside and went downstairs.
Dad is sitting on the couch drinking coffee, reading newspaper and mom is in kitchen making supper.
Hey mom, Hey dad! Morning! I wished them and went straight to the coffee maker for my day making coffee. Dad wished me back but mom didn't, seems like she's upset or something. I grab the coffee mug, walked in the living and sit near dad.
Hey Dad! What happend to mom? Why she's so upset? I whispered in his ear so mom couldn't hear.
Well, it's about last night, you passed out because of the excessive dose of alcohol, second you didn't talked to your elder relatives, and the most important.. Uh..
Well, I can relate mom's anger with all the things that happend last night but dad didn't said the last thing. He is now stuttering and hesitating talking to me about something.
Maybe I did something that I'm not aware of cause it happens with me in London too. I used to get drunk, do shits and then forget about 'em the next morning.
What is it dad? I asked a little louder and mom heard us. I can see the anger on her face. Wow now she is coming to us. Great Job Shana, you just got yourself killed.
Well, Tell her.
Tell her what she did last night. Mom said looking at dad.
What's up guys? I don't have the whole day for this. Tell me what I did cause I honestly don't remember .
Well, first you got drunk and passed out, second you didn't reply to your relatives and third, the most important ..
Why the hell you wore that jacket?
Mom sighed a deep and then it was all silent.
I was shocked that they know about jacket and they're upset just because I put that on.
Well, um.. Mom, it's just nothing, I mean I saw it in my closet and this was my favourite jacket so I wore it. What's the big deal? I tried to move away with it but she didn't let me.
It was Robert's Jacket and you're not supposed to wear it now. He's nobody to you Shana. Forget about him. He's no game that you can play with whenever you want and throw it out when you get bored. Do you get that? Mom almost shouted at me making me feel like shit and crying.
I don't believe mom! You're fucking shouting at me because I wore his jacket? What the hell? Why does you care so much? When I asked you both about him or tried to talk about him you people just shrug it off and now you're suddenly so interested and fucking care about him? I love him and I'm sorry that I did that in past. I've realized it and I'm regretting it each day of my fucking life. Can't you see it?
I know that you're hiding something from me but I will find it out soon.
That's enough! Shana watch your language, and Elsie it's no big deal that you're making a scene of it. Let is all just go. She's here after years and it hasn't even been 2 days and you started the bullshit. I know you care about him, I know he's been through so much and you care about him but you can't shout at Shana for loving him. I know she did the wrong thing but can't you see that she still loves him like before? Dad shouted at us and left the room leaving two of us alone.
Tears running down my cheeks but I can't cry, I've to be strong. I can't always cry when it comes to my own deeds. I saw mom, she has tears in her eyes and I'm feeling sorry for shouting at her like that. I pulled mom into a hug and apologize.
I'm sorry mom, I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's just I really miss him and I'm regretting leaving him each day. I'm sorry. I whispered in her ears.
I'm sorry too honey. I shouldn't have been making this a scene. I'm sorry too.
I told mom about going out with Emily and that I won't be back till night. She agreed and I went in my room to get ready.
As soon I entered my room, dad's words hits me direct in my mind.
Because of me he has suffered a lot. I wish I could go back in time and make it all right.
I couldn't stop thinking about him so I took a hot bath and let it all flow away. I changed into my regular distressed denims and a white t-shirt with levis written on it. I let my hair flow on my shoulders and I put some makeup on. I grab my phone and called Em making sure she's on the way.
Hey Em! I'm ready.
I'll be there just in 15minutes.
Okay!
I put my white converse on, and took my black ray ban, wallet, phone and the most important, my earplugs. I never go out without them, they're like my medicine for the painful outer world. I looked myself in the full length mirror.
Yeah! I'm looking perfect. Time to go now.
I said to myself.
Switching off the light and fan, I closed the door and walked downstairs.
Hey Shana! Going somewhere? Dad asked me from the back making me scared to death.
Woah dad! Easy! You scared the hell out of me. Yeah I'm going out with Em for shopping and seeing the city.
Okay! Cool. Go have some fun but come back in time. Dad said kissing my forehead and walking upstairs in his room.
By the way dad, where's mom? I asked shouting.
She's out with your Aunt. Dad shouted back.
Well, seems like everyone is having fun these days. I walked out of the house, checking out every house of my locality.
Nothing seems to be changed from the outside.
I saw this man walking to me from the neighbourhood, I'm getting a little nervous.
I don't know this guy i guess.
He got blue eyes, brown hairs and a sharp jawline which makes him look super sexy.
Hey! New here? He came to me and asked.
What? Ah! No.. I belong here, I was out for years, by the way I'm Shanaya, Shanaya Andrews. I threw my hand for a shake.
Okay, so you're Mr. Andrews girl? Nice to meet you Shanaya, I'm Robin, Robin Duvall.
You can call me Shana, I don't have a habit of hearing my whole name.
Well, but your name is beautiful. He said smirking and giving me goosebumps in my body.
I don't like it though.
Okay! No problem, I'll call you Shana.
So, you're here for vacation?
I was about to answer but then Emily parked the car in front of me shouting my name.
I- I gotta go! It was nice meeting you Robin.
I said and ran to Emily.
Hope we'll meet soon again. He shouted back making me blush.
I entered in the car, buckling seat belt.
So, you're gonna tell me about him or I have to ask him, myself? Emily asked me starting the ignition.
What? Nothing, he's just a boy from next door. I played it cool.
He don't look like some boy from the next door, he's fucking hot and second he looks like 30 or something so he's not just a boy but a man.
So what? I don't care. He just came and asked if I'm new here and I said no, I belong here and then we just exchanged names and a handshake. I said while turning the radio on.
It was Robert's favourite song. I remember how he used to sing this for me. There we're times when he almost shouted the lyric for me in the public making everyone looks at us. I couldn't hold my laughter when that memory hits me and I started laughing out loud, leaving Emily clueless. She just stared at me like I'm some maniac but when I saw her facial expression I laughed more.
I started crying in no minute, Emily looked at me and asked if I'm on any drug or something cause I'm behaving abnormally. Once a minute I laugh and the second I cry.
Well, it's all the emotional breakdown. I said wiping my tears away and giving her a big smile, it hurts though.
Rest of the drive was full of laughs and music. We reached the city mall and parked the car. As we entered the mall, Emily started dragging me to the shops. We went to this denim shop and buys 4-5 denims for me and 2 denims for Em. While roaming the shops, I saw a man from back and it felt like he was Robert but soon he got lost in the crowd. I tried to find him but there were a lot of people and Em told me that Robert never comes for shopping here and second whenever he goes out for shopping, he took Tom with him. It's almost possible that I had some illusion because the whole time I think about him so it's possible to have a mirage.
I didn't bothered much to find him because somewhere I was afraid to face him and second Em again start dragging me to the other shops. After shopping, we went to the salon and had a perfect massage and make over and soon we left for starbucks. We were hungry like dogs, we ordered every possible toast and burgers with coffee and ice cream. I know coffee with ice cream is a idiotic choice but we liked it though. After filling our hungry stomach, we sat in the car for about half hour in the parking talking about things I've missed and how was Em's wedding and honeymoon. She told me that Robert took her to the stage holding her hands like a big brother as Em's father died when she was little and her relation with her step father wasn't good that time.
Hey Shana! Tell me about your boyfriends back there at London. Were they good at making love? Or you had some serious relationship over there? Em asked taking a sip from her beer.
Well, my last sex was with Robert. Before the divorce he took me out on a vacation to Italy, if you remember and that was the last time I had some physical relation with anyone. I dated few men there but nothing seems to be working as Robert was always there in my mind. I already was depressed about my past and then loving someone else wasn't easy for me. I never loved anyone as I loved Robert. Like, he was my first love dude! I fell in love with him the moment our eyes met. He was our english teacher and the first detention he gave me just to know me or you can say just to have a flirtious conversation with me. The way our first kiss happend in the club, the way I woke up in his bed all clueless. The way he helped me through my tough times. He almost got himself killed because of me. He loved me Em and I loved him but I don't how I got so selfish and left him broken. I wish I could go back in time and sort out every single thing. I still love him but it's not easy now. I don't even know if he loves me or not, if he is in a relationship with someone, if he wants to see me or what if he hates me now? I said a sighed a deep taking a sip from my beer can.
I don't want to ruin our perfect day out by crying about my past. Let's just go for clubbing tonight. We'll have some fun just like the old days. I said cheerfully.
Well.. I don't know what to say about it but yeah we can go out for clubbing tonight.
It's 5.30pm now, I'll drop you to your house and I'll come back to pick you up by 8.30. Have a bath and change into something super sexy, let's have some fun babe. She said giving me naughty smirk and laugh.
We drove back to my house, I got out holding all the shopping bags and she left for her house to get ready. I went to my room, put down the stuff and went for a hot bath.