He left first thing in the morning on a large boat. The mood was weirdly cheery, like they had just come back from war instead of heading off. I think I even saw someone carrying around a few mugs of beer. The men climbed onto the boat, hooting and calling out to those they knew in the crowd. Abe was nearly the last to get on. We stood with each other, not saying anything as we treasured our last remaining moments. Abe seemed content with leaving, he held me tightly, occasionally looking over his shoulder to see the men getting onto the boat. I grasped onto these moments as they slipped through my fingers. But the last call for the boat was made. The boat to take him directly into the war. We barely had time to say goodbye before he was shuffled onto the boat. 'They had a tight schedule' everyone said. 'He's a hero' they said 'a true man protecting his home and his family.' 'It's unfair' I said, but apparently people don't really care about my opinions or injustice. Through watery eyes, I watched his figure leaning against the prow of the boat get smaller and smaller. Eventually his figure blurred with the rest of the men who were waving their final goodbyes to their loved ones. Some will not come back. Others will, but not truly. Their minds will scar from what they witness.
I travel back in the carriage. I wasn't alone but I felt like I was. Everyone I trusted was gone. Now I felt like I was Elizabeth. Alice was gone. Well if she wasn't already, she will be soon. After months, maybe even years of faking being Elizabeth, when will it stop being an act? When will after answering to the name, will I feel like it is mine. Alice being just a memory, a childhood character, that I had realized I had outgrown. When will I forget my real family, my real home, my real identity? How soon until I am gone? I may have been born in the future, but I will live in the past. Die in the past.
Duchess Hemerton must have noticed my silence. She touched my gloved hand, caringly. "He will be back soon, my dear. He will have won the war for king and country. And then I expect some heirs to be conceived." She chuckled, "Do not dwell on this! Your father will be returning soon enough, focus on that."
"Sure I am so looking forward to that," I rolled my eyes, trying to pull the tears back before they threatened to run down my face.
Margaret caught my gaze, looking at the tears about to spill, and gave me a sad half smile, "Duchess Hemerton, would it be possible for Elizabeth and I to have a private luncheon today. Just some cousin bonding time." She pleaded silently with the Duchess, her eyes darting over to me and back at her, raising her eyebrows to be like 'see? She needs this.' I averted my gaze back out the window, not wanting anyone to see my red eyes.
"I think that would be a splendid idea. I will have the chefs put all of their focus into your meal. How about hosting this in the sunroom?" Duchess Hemerton answered excitedly. I didn't really want to be around anyone right now. Now was the time to listen to every heart wrenching nineties song I had curled up under my blankets in my room. Maybe I'll pretend to have a headache. Ever since arriving here (or returning) everyone freaked out when I had a headache. Apparently it was a sign I was dying.
Apparently that wasn't going to be possible though because immediately I was pulled toward the sunroom. "Margaret, really, I don't feel well. I just want to lie down."
"You feel perfectly fine, it is your heart that hurts. If you focus on it, it will never heal. Believe me."
"I won't focus on it, if you just let me leave. I'll-ill be down for dinner, I promise," I pleaded as she forced me into a chair at a small table.
"I do not believe you will be. You will feel better soon enough,"she promised. She nodded to a server as she set down a platter of fruits and cheeses. "Besides, do you truly wish to deceive us with a headache? Duchess will have you bedridden until your husband is home."
"That cannot be so bad," I shrug, half heartedly picking through the cheeses.
"The same old Elizabeth," Margaret chided, a bitter undertone in her voice, " always thinking of yourself." She looked down trying to fake a smile.
I froze, my hand hovering over a strawberry. I cocked my head to the side, glaring at her confused and offended. I must have heard wrong, Margaret would never say anything so obviously offensive. "Excuse me?"
"Well I am only saying that you tend not to see things from others perspectives." She said quietly, I think regretting saying anything.
"Oh really. How so?" I accused.
"No, it was wrong of me to say-"
"Please, enlighten me," I nearly growled. How dare she assume who I am. She does not know what I have been through!
She began stabbing quickly at her food, "Well, it is just you tend to run around not caring what trouble it makes for those around you. When you run off to town, do you not see the worry in your parents' faces. They had already lost you once. But you had not considered this. Your brother was so excited to have you at his celebration, but you left early. You make messes and expect others to clean them up for you. I do not blame you of course. It is simply how we are made to be now."
I sat in stunned silence for a second, my mouth gaping open and shut, trying to defend myself. "I guess I haven't really thought of that."
"Yes, I suppose not," she said quietly.
"Look I haven't been the same since the accident-"
She froze, sitting up straighter and leaning forward, a new emotion lit in her eyes, "Do- do you remember?"
I chewed my lip, "No I don't. But can I tell you something?" She nodded eagerly. "Do you remember the doctor saying that I would have permanent memory loss of the incident. Well it isn't just the incident I had forgotten."
"Do you mean to say you have forgotten more?"
I laughed, maybe this half truth would make it easier to excuse my future slip ups, " I don't remember anything from before. I had no idea who anyone was when I got here."
"So you have been pretending this entire time?" Margaret asked awestruck.
"Yes, only Eleanor and Abe knew."
"And now both are gone..."
"Yes."
She chuckled in the same way she had before.
"What!" I demanded.
"Ignore me," she said quietly.
"Seriously, tell me."
"No I do not wish to cause us any further conflict. I believe it best to change the topic of conversation at the moment," she said decisively. We sat in an awkward silence for a few moments. She probably scrambling to find a new subject to talk about and I trying to give up my curiosity. I hate when people do that! When they start a thought or make an obvious sign that they thought differently about something and then refuse to talk about it. But I had a feeling that this happy open person knew how to redraw from conversations easily.
"So how is- er- your boyfriend?" I asked.
"Sorry?"
"The man your courting, how is he?"
She blushed deep into the roots of her hair, "He is well."
"Anything el-"
"No." She said definitely. The awkward silence resumed. So that topic was not open to discussion. Noted. But her firm posture relaxed slightly. "I apologize I should not have been so rude. It is a dangerous thing to talk about here."
"I understand-"
"Really I do wish to talk about this."
"Well do or don't, up to you," I tried to sound nonchalant even though I was eager to hear more.
She stabbed frusteratedly at her food, "Him and I have been through a lot together. We have a lot in common, the same goal. But..." She sighed a heavy sigh, "I do not know."
"Do you love him?" I asked. I wanted to get the most details without sounding like I was prying.
She looked up shocked, like it was a obvious answer. "Of course I do! I have since the moment I met him!"
"Sooo, what's the problem then?"
"He is nearly perfect. It's the people around him," she looked up, her usual wide smile spreading across her face. She pushed back in her chair, removing the napkin from her lap at the same time. "I should be leaving now. I have nearly forgotten about my afternoon piano lessons! Silly me. Well I will see you at dinner."
That was abrupt. She didn't even finish what was on her plate. I knew one thing though, I had to meet this guy. I guess I'll be finishing this food all by myself then. I'm not complaining though, more for me.