In the car ride to D.C., Spencer spoke softly, mostly to himself. Every once in a while, he would look over at you dazed, and you would give him a reassuring glance or a loving caress. He was calm for the most part, until around 5 minutes remained in your trip. He began to groan, his face twisting in pain.
"(Y/N)...There was anti-psychotic medication in that syringe, wasn't there?"
You remained silent for a few seconds, not sure how to answer because you didn't want to scare him or set him off.
"(Y/N), please answer me." He pleaded.
"Yes. It was mixed with a sedative. How do you feel?"
"Anti-psychotic drugs administered to someone not experiencing the symptoms of psychosis or schizophrenia can actually trigger an episode, or the onset of schizophrenic symptoms." Spencer said in hushed tones.
"Spencer...I don't think it was enough. He was only able to depress part of the syringe, okay?" You kept an extremely level voice, trying to soothe him from the driver's seat. You were nervous too; You knew that what he was saying was true.
You pulled into the apartment complex parking lot and turned off the SUV, looking over at Spencer. He was sweating and his hands were shaking compulsively. You placed a hand on his cheek.
"Look at me. You are going to be okay."
Spencer looked at you with tears welling in his eyes.
"(Y/N), I'm scared."
"I know you are. I'm here with you, though. You aren't alone. We are going to go upstairs and lie down. We can watch Doctor Who...or Sherlock...or I can read to you..." Your nerves got the better of you as you rattled off all of the options that Spencer might find nice.
A tear slid down Spencer's face, and your heart threatened to shatter into a million pieces.
"Let's go, love." You said softly.
Spencer nodded, more tears threatening to spill.
Once inside the apartment, Spencer began to cry earnestly yet silently. You sat on the couch and held him, his head tucked down into the nook of your collar bone and chest.
You shhh'd and cooed him while rubbing his back.
"I — I need to tell you something." He mumbled into your shoulder.
"You can tell me anything, Spencer." You said reassuringly.
"My mom...She has schizophrenia. She has paranoid episodes, just-just like the unsub that Morgan shot. The one that hung you up. That hurt you. I can't bear to see my mom get worse. And...I'm terrified that I have schizophrenia too."
"Spencer—"
"Also... A few years ago, I was held hostage by an unsub that gave me Dilaudid. And...I was addicted for a while afterwards. But I - I'm clean. I've been clean. I just don't like taking pain killers. It reminds me of it. You don't have to stay. I understand if you want to leave."
Hearing Spencer's short, broken sentences filled your heart with renewed pain.
"I'm not going anywhere." You ran a hand through his hair. "All you need to do now is relax. Don't stress yourself, it's not a good idea right now. We can talk more about this later, all right?"
He nodded. You stroked his hair a few more times lovingly. His breathing evened out a bit after a few minutes and you walked with him to the bedroom. Spencer laid down and you went to retrieve a book and some water. You read one of your favorite Jane Austen novels to him in a sweet voice as he sipped on water, fading in and out of consciousness.
When he was closer to sleep, you pulled out your phone to google side effects of the medications Spencer had been injected with. Would it be enough to trigger something — a relapse or paranoia? You were increasingly nervous as you scrolled. Every couple of minutes you watched Spencer to be sure he was still resting. You hoped that the sedatives would wear off soon, and wouldn't bring up an nasty aftertastes of his past.
As you thoroughly searched medical websites and blogs, the exhaustion of the past 48 hours began to catch up with you. You tried to push from your mind all of the newfound fear and nervousness. It looked like it was a toss up as to whether or not Spencer would experience withdrawals from the amount of sedative the unsub had injected. Without a detailed tox-screen, there wasn't a way to know for sure what type of sedative it was, either. Taking deep breaths, you scooted closer to Spencer and draped an arm around him as you slid to lie down. You kissed his shoulder as sleep beckoned you in. You knew it wouldn't be restful, but you figured all you could do was try.
Only forty-five minutes had passed when the sounds of Spencer whimpering woke you up. Your eyes shot open as you watched him writhe in pain. You couldn't tell if it was from a nightmare or from physical pain. Before you were able to wake him up, he opened his eyes, wildly searching the room. When he saw you, he instinctively reached out. He moved his hand so fast that you winced away, momentary PTSD taking over your instincts.
This was a mistake.
Spencer lurched off the bed.
"Did-did I hurt you, (Y/N)? I hurt you didn't I? Just like him. He was so awful to you. And you-you were so scared. You're scared now, aren't you. I hurt you, didn't I?"
You were in shock at the state Spencer was in. You'd never seen him look so afraid and panicked.
"Spencer...Of course you didn't hurt me. I'm okay! Calm down."
"Don't lie to me!" His voice was becoming progressively more strained as the pitch of it rose.
"I would never lie to you." You said soothingly as you raised yourself to your knees on the bed so that you were closer to eye-level with him.
"Come here," you implored him with open arms. "You're okay, I'm okay. I promise."
Spencer trembled, extremely hesitant. His body language told you that he was considering fleeing. This made you feel a wave of panic, and a tear involuntarily slipped from the corner of your eye.
Another mistake.
This made Spencer absolutely terrified, and he rushed into the bathroom. You heard the lock click into place and took a second to recompose yourself.
You pressed your ear up to the door — silence.
"Spencer? Please let me in."
You sat by the door, listening closely for any movement or sound.
"Listen to me, Spencer. You aren't having a paranoid episode. You are scared....Sedatives can affect short term memory — but you know that of course, you're my genius — And you would never hurt me. Let me help you....I care about you, so much."
You heard a hitch in breathing and the lock clicked again. You opened the door to find Spencer sitting on the floor, distraught. You offered him a hand and he accepted, albeit shaking furiously. He was sweating profusely and was sickly pale.
"Let's take a shower?" You asked.
Spencer nodded and you turned the water on as he undressed. You followed suit and got into the shower with Spencer. The warm water and steam enveloped you both as you rubbed small circles on Spencer's back. You helped him wash his hair lovingly; He had reverted back to a catatonic state.
You sat on the bed together wrapped in towels after washing away the stress from the day. You combed through Spencer's hair before pulling on a sweatshirt and underwear. You handed Spencer a similar outfit, only swapping a sweatshirt for one of his favorite t-shirts, and he changed silently.
Spencer opened his arms to you as he sat back down on the edge of the bed. You tentatively walked into his embrace, standing between his legs with his arms wrapped tightly around your lower back. He pulled you a bit closer, urging you to straddle him like you had the first time you kissed deeply — This time, it was a different kind of intimacy.
You wrapped your arms around his neck, tilting your head down to look him in the eyes.
"(Y/N)?" Spencer asked, his voice a host of emotions.
"Yes?" You hoped that the anxiety didn't slip through into your voice.
"I...." Spencer breathed deeply. "I love you."
You tried to blink back your tears but weren't successful.
"I love you too, Spencer."
"You're brilliant.... And beautiful.... And entirely too good for me." Spencer's voice wavered at the end and tears rushed faster down your cheeks.
"Don't say that." You choked out, on the verge of sobbing completely. "I—I don't know why I'm —I'm crying s-so hard..."
"Psychologists think that people cry when they experience intense happiness because it is the body's way of restoring emotional equilibrium."
You laughed as the tears continued coming, and he kissed you. It was a beautiful kiss because there was nothing beautiful about it. Your tears wet his face and streaked down to leave a salty taste on both of your lips. Your giggle escaped into his mouth and his smile pressed hard against your face. The fear and anxiety you had mutually been sharing - together and apart - melted away in a flurry of a set of lips' soft brushes.
"I love you." He repeated into your mouth. "God, I love you." "Thank you for not leaving."
You pulled away slightly.
"I'm never going to leave you, Spencer...." The kiss resumed with twice as much heat and passion.
Spencer fell back on the bed and you followed on top of him.
"I want you to tell me over and over again." You sniffled the words out. "But first I want to be sure that you are okay."
***
This was SO much fun to write. Ugh I love Spencer but my heart is breaking right now watching the latest season of Criminal Minds! I can't believe this fic has 40 thousand views ... Here's to you and Spencer! *Cheers*