WARNING: this has NOT been edited!!!
*Katniss is 20 weeks*
"Peeta!" I yell for him, feeling frightened. "Peeta, please hurry!"
I hear a loud bang noise come from upstairs and the muffled sound of his footsteps sprinting down the hallway before speedily clunking down the steps.
"Are you okay? What's going on?" he asks, shock and concern filling his wide eyes.
"Something's wrong," I say on the verge of tears while clutching my bump.
"What's happening?"
"I think I'm losing the baby."
"Are you sure?" he asks, squatting down beside me, griping my thighs to help him keep his balance.
"No," I frown, my lower lip trembling.
"Why do you think you're losing the baby?" he tucks some fallen strands of hair behind my ear.
"I just do. Something just isn't right."
"Honey, I can't help you if you don't give me more information."
"Can't you just trust me?" I snap.
"I'm only trying to help," Peeta says, calmly.
I don't elaborate on the discomfort I'm feeling. I just sit there, continuing to hold my cramping stomach. Peeta reaches out to take my hand, and I know what he's doing. He's trying to get my hand away from my stomach, thinking it will help calm me down if my body isn't so tense but in reality all it will do is make this situation worse. I need something to ground me and the protection of my hand over the place my unborn baby lies is exactly what is going to help. When his hand touches mine, I flinch and turn my body slightly away from him. He immediately takes his hand back and holds it up in the air in a truths manner before settling it back on my leg.
"Let me help," he looks at me longingly. "Please."
"I've had this weird cramping feeling in my belly."
"Are you hungry?"
"No, I've eaten pretty consistently today."
"Do you feel sick? Maybe it's just a tummy ache," he offers.
"No, it's more than that. Something feels really off Peeta and I'm super scared," I start tearing up. "I thought maybe spending the day resting up on the couch would help, but as I got more relaxed this strange eery feeling would appear in my stomach— it was like a really big cramp followed by a... muscle twice I guess."
Peeta frowns, pressing a hand to my abdomen to feel up my baby bump. The pressure from his hand causes the odd feeling to strengthen and it makes me begin to cry harder than I ever have before.
I see him swallow really hard, "What did it feel like when you had the miscarriage?"
My whole body just slumps down and sinks in, and I feel my heart collapse to my gut.
"I remember feeling really woozy. I had really bad stomach cramps," I say, thinking back to that awful day a little more than 9 years ago.
"Is it normal to have cramps?" I ask my mother.
"It depends," she says. "It could just be from the embryo implanting in the uterine wall. But it could also be something more severe. How bad are they?"
"Not terrible. Just uncomfortable."
"You need to let me know if they get any worse, ok?"
I start thinking about my mother and begin to worry myself even more, knowing the possibility for me to lose more than just the baby if I'm miscarrying again.
"I was super dizzy," I add. "The room wouldn't stop spinning."
I shut the door once I'm safely inside and walk the remaining few steps to the toilet. I raise the lid, pull down my pants, and do my business. But when my eyes land on my pants, I see a pool of blood and I instantly panic.
"I just felt really weak and had the most unbearable stomach cramps," I finish off, feeling shaky, anxious, and not at all at ease.
Seconds later I'm having a full fledged panic attack, and the only thing Peeta can do to calm me down is physically lift me up and sit on the couch. He settles me on his lap and wraps his arms around me. He know his embrace is the only thing that soothes me when something like this is happening.
"Hey, hey, hey. Shh," he whispers in my ear, playing with my hair. "Please calm down."
I continue hyperventilating as he continues to get me to relax.
"Breathe, Katniss," he pleads. "Think of the baby. If you need air, the baby needs air too."
"I-I-I ca-can't."
"You have to," he says. "I know you can do it."
He holds me tightly and rests his head on my shoulder. He sways us side to side and hums the melody to The Valley Song until my breathing becomes more regular.
"I don't think anything is seriously wrong, but if it would make you feel more comfortable we can go see Jade. See what she thinks," Peeta says.
"That would make me feel a hundred times better," I admit.
"Then let's go," he says before kissing my temple.
"I don't know if I can walk," I pout, my lower lip trembling.
"I'll carry you if I have to," Peeta lightly laugh.
"Peeta, you can't carry me. I'm a cow, a-and your leg, I'd break you."
"Don't worry about me," He says. "I'm more concerned about you."
"What if something is wrong?" I ask. "I don't think I can go through that hurt again."
"Nothing is going to be wrong," Peeta smiles.
"I hope so," I say, getting off his lap.
Peeta goes over to our coat closet and brings me a pair of shoes. He comes back over and helps me put them on— the bigger I get, the harder it is for me to bend over without fearing that it will squish the baby. He takes my hand and walks me to the door. He stops for a moment to put on a pair of his boots. I feel my stomach twitch and my face scrunches up and expresses my discomfort as my hand reflexively goes to my swollen abdomen.
"You okay?" Peeta asks.
"Yeah," I say after the feeling passes.
"Ready to go?"
I nod, and Peeta opens the door.
"Wait," I stop him, and his eyes grow wide. "I need a jacket."
"Oh my," he breathes out. "I thought something was wrong."
I giggle, "No, it's just winter."
"I'll go grab your hunting jacket and we'll go."
I thank him when he returns and helps me slip my arms inside the sleeves. I try to zip it up so I can hide my bump from the public, but I'm just big enough that the zipper won't move past a certain point. I groan, and Peeta just laughs at me as we exit the house and begin our journey to the clinic.
. . .
"You lied!" I shout when I walk into Jade's building, feeling all worked up.
"Katniss..." Peeta says. "Take it easy."
"Well hello to you, too," Jade greets us.
"Sorry, she's just really unsettled," Peeta says nudging me to get me to wipe the scowl off my face, but my expression doesn't change. "Do you have a moment?"
"If she doesn't have time she better make some. She promised me a healthy pregnancy and now I'm losing the baby!"
Jade knows my personality and that I'm easily agitated, so she understands that I'm coming from a place of fear and not rage which makes me feel comfortable lashing out at her. However, the fear I see forming in her eyes worries me.
"Please calm down, please," Peeta begs.
"Come take a seat over on this bed," Jade points in the direction of an empty exam bed.
I quickly walk over and take a seat on the foot of the bed. She takes a seat on her stool and sits right in front of me.
"Tell me what's going on."
"There's something wrong with the baby," I say, protecting my bump by putting both of my hands on my belly.
"Why do you think that?" Jade asks.
"I have a bad feeling," I say. "Something just isn't right."
"Besides your bad feeling, what's going on that makes you think you're losing the baby?"
"I'm cramping."
"Have you had bleeding of any kind?"
I shake my head.
"Not even spotting?"
"No, I haven't bleed at all during my pregnancy."
"Do your cramps feel like they do when you're menstruating?"
"Not quite," I say. "They're not that intense."
"Have you eaten today?"
"Yes."
"Drank enough water?"
I nod.
"How far along are you again? Twenty weeks?"
"I think so, yeah. Peeta?"
"That sounds about right."
"I'm only asking because I have another patient who's a little bit further along than you and I mix you two up sometimes. Let me go pull your chart."
Jade gets up and goes over to behind her desk. She's got a large filing cabinet with lots of patient files. She searches through then until she finds one, opens it up, and comes back to her seat in front of me.
"I was right twenty weeks," she says, closing up my chart and putting it to the side. "Since I've got you here, I might as well do an exam. That might help me get a better gage on what's going on here."
She hands me a gown and tells me she'll be back in a few minutes. Peeta helps me get into the gown and fluffs the pillows up behind me and lets me get under the covers.
"Are you comfortable?" he asks me.
"Yes, thank you," I say, putting my hand to his cheek and pulling him in for a kiss.
Just as we pull away, Jade pulls back the curtain around my exam bed.
"So these cramps," she starts. "How painful would you rate them?"
"They feel more like muscle twitches."
"Can you tell me about how they started? What were you doing when you first noticed them?"
"I haven't done much of anything but sit on the couch. I was reading but I couldn't focus enough so I turned on the tv thinking it would distract me, but as soon as I realized I hadn't felt something in a while, it felt the a baby squirrel had ran across my hips."
"Ah," Jade smiles happily. "Katniss, there isn't anything wrong."
"How do you know? You haven't examined me yet."
"Because I know that babies can begin moving around thirteen weeks, but moms don't feel the tiny movements until sometime between their sixteenth and twenty-fifth week."
"So the baby is moving," I ask. "That's it?"
"Yeah," she smiles.
"And that's normal?" I ask.
"It's completely normal."
"Will I be able to feel it?" Peeta asks.
"Eventually, yes, when they get much stronger," Jade answers. "But that probably won't be for another five to ten weeks."
"They're going to get stronger than this?" I exclaim.
"Right now these little kicks and nudges are called quickening movements."
"It's going to be alright," Jade assures me. "By the time you get to the end of your pregnancy you probably won't even be phased by their kicks. Hopefully you'll be able to think of them as reassurance that your baby is developing and help you feel closer to the little life inside of you."
"I'm more scared than I've ever been," I say.
"That's alright. There's no right or wrong way for you to feel."
"It feels as old as life itself," I add.
"Just take it one day at a time," Jade assures me, squeezing my foot through the blanket. "I have some more good news, though. I don't have the proper machinery, but... if you're interested I can listen to the heartbeat, and with a few other things, I can take a really good guess on the baby's gender."
"Yeah?" Peeta asks.
Jade nods, "It's up to you."
"What do you think, Katniss?" he asks, excitedly.
"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders. "It doesn't matter to me. You pick."
Peeta looks at me with a hint of disappoint and a bit of a frown when my emotions don't reflect his own enthusiasm.
"Maybe we should wait until next time," Peeta says, sadly, to Jade.
"That's ok," she smiles at us sweetly. "Back when your parents had you two they had to wait the whole pregnancy and delivery before finding out if you were a boy or a girl."
"Can we go home?" I ask, not really wanting to be here anymore. I feel like a complete idiot for freaking out so drastically over something so normal. I can't believe I convinced myself to believe that I was losing the baby, dragged Peeta here, and yelled at Jade. I feel so ashamed.
"Sure," she pouts, slightly. "I didn't check you, but just stop by sometime next week when you get the chance, ok?"
"I will," I promise her.
I lift up the covers and slip out from underneath them. I start undoing the shoulder snaps but Peeta stops me from pulling the gown off.
"Hey, what's the rush?"
"I just wanna go home."
"You okay?"
"Fine."
I grab my folded up clothes and start putting them back on my body.
Peeta sighs, "I'm gonna wait by the desk for you."
"Alright."
He steps out of the curtain created room and begins talking to Jade. I can't make out what they're saying exactly, the curtain is drowning them out pretty good, but I have a feeling they're talking about me.
Once I'm fully clothed, I pull back the curtain and walk over to Peeta and take his hand. "Ready to go?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, let's get you home then."
"Chin up. You're halfway there!" Jade cheers as Peeta and I walk hand in hand back to our house.
When we get there Peeta unlocks the front door and steps to the side to let me in first.
"I think I'm just gonna sit out here for a minute," I tell him.
"You sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, just worn out is all."
"Don't stay out too long," he tells me. "It's really cold out and I'm gonna go start on dinner. How do cheese buns and chill sound?"
"Savory," I try and say in a sexy voice to seem more upbeat and playful.
Peeta chuckles breathily.
"I love you," he kisses me.
"I love you, too."
"I'll have a nice cup of warm milk ready for you when you come inside— and a fire."
"Thank you."
"Of course, love."
I take a seat on the steps, really just needing a moment of fresh air to calm myself and clear my mind before. I don't want Peeta to worry about me anymore and I don't want him to think I'm not excited about this baby. I guess I'm still unsure about how I feel about the whole becoming a mom thing.
Haymitch is outside feeding his geese and we awkwardly make eye contact a few times before he gathers the courage to come over and sits beside me. We sit side by side in silence, and I know there's something on his mind but I have no idea what it could be.
"Whatever you want to say, just say it, Haymitch."
"You pregnant?" he asks.
"How'd you know?"
"It doesn't take genius to see it, sweetheart. They way you hold your stomach when you walk, or see the fear in your eyes. How far along are you?"
"Halfway," I tell him, and he smiles.
"Well, congratulations."
"Thanks, Haymitch."
He stands and gets up, beginning his trek back over to tend to his geese.
"Take care of that bun," he says.
"What?" I holler across the green.
"The bun in your oven."
I laugh, "Really?"
He smiles greatly again, "I thought it was clever."
"Goodnight, Haymitch," I say and stand up to go inside.
"Goodnight, sweetheart."
When I get inside and head for the kitchen, I notice one of Peeta's paint brushes on the floor by the steps. It reminds me of the loud bang I hear earlier and how I never figured out what it was. I pick up the brush off the floor and bring it with me to the kitchen.
"I found this on the floor," I tell Peeta, taking a seat at the dining table.
"Whoops, sorry. I forgot to pick it up before we rushed out of here."
"It's ok. What was that loud bang before you sprinted down the steps?"
"I was working in the nursery," he smiles brightly, "Come on," he holds his hand out for me. "Let me show you what I've done."
"Okay," I say, hoping out of my seat and taking his hand.
He leads me up the stairs and pushes open the door. The walls are painted white and some of the furniture has been assembled. Things are coming together and it honestly is making everything feel a little bit more real.
"You know, I would be able to do a lot more to this room if we found out whether we would be having a boy or a girl."
"But there's a chance Jade could be wrong and we could end up having a little boy with a light pink room."
"I guess you're right," Peeta says.
"I want to wait to find out what the bun is."
"The bun?" Peeta looks at me with confusion.
"It's my nickname for the baby."
"When did you come up with that?"
"Tonight. Haymitch gave me the idea."
"Why bun?"
"You know, the one in my oven."
Peeta beams, "I actually really love it."
"Me too."
"I'm really, really happy we're having a baby."
"I love how happy this all has made you."
"Well, I love you."
"I love you more."
"Not possible."
"I think it's safe to say we love each other a great deal."
Peeta puts his hands on my waist and looks down at my bump. The fluttering feeling I've felt quite often today has returned and it makes me flinch a little bit.
"Is the baby moving now?" Peeta asks.
"Yeah," I say, taking deep breathes and trying not to panic.
Peeta places the palm of his dominant hand over my belly button and smiles.
"I can't wait to feel them move in there. What's it like?"
"It feels weird," I tell him, scrunching up my nose. "It's like there's something trapped in there and its lightly fighting it's way out."
"Hey, little one," Peeta says in a baby voice, his face inches away from my stomach. "No trying to get out just yet. You've still got some cooking time left."
"You're so adorable," I smile at Peeta, playing with the curls on the top of his head.