-Stella Hart-
So I went on a second date with Dean Carterson and, like the first date, it was unexpectedly nice.
And then, on our third date, at the bottom of the stairwell to the girl's dormitory, in the 10 o'clock halflight of the black lake shimmering down on us, I think he became my boyfriend.
He kissed me again, still as soft and gentle as the first time. He held me close and I had this strange feeling in my chest that I think was happiness but I can't be sure these days.
He pulled away and, still holding me, looked at me with these wide eyes that made me feel like something wild, a wild thing, unobtainable. Except I'm not, not anymore.
So instead of smiling and heading up to bed, like I usually do, I say,
"I think you're going to be very good for me."
I think he smiles or laughs or maybe both. Does he say something? I can't tell, I'm already slipping away. So that he doesn't notice I turn and go without so much as a goodnight, but I don't actually think I could form words if I tried. I can't explain it, the slipping away, it happens at night, most nights, and I never see it coming. But, when it does come it's like an instant. One minute, I'm kissing this sweet boy who really likes me, and the next I'm slipping.
Narcissa's not in the dorm, even though it's after curfew but she probably found a way to sneak into Lucius' room. Bellatrix is there though and she's still awake. Shit.
She says something to me, but I can't hear her. I can't hear anything expect the sound of my feverish heart beat, can she hear it too? Probably not but you never know. I stumble over to the high, arching window and press my cheek against it, hard. I allow the cold to seep into my hot skin and keep me rooted in reality.
"Estelle?"
I was aware of Bellatrix calling my name now which is a good sign, so I lean back, my hand still rested against the cold glass but before I turn to her, I catch a glimpse of myself reflected in the dark glass.
I almost don't recognize myself.
My hair is drawn back so sharply that it makes the edges of my face dark and harsh. My lips are swollen from kissing Dean but in this light it looks different, there's an undertone to it that feels almost breathless but not the good kind, the bad constricted, blue lips, running out of time kind. And my eyes are different too, their ocean colour blends into the ocean behind the glass, but there's something else behind them too, something wrong, something haunted.
"What's wrong with you?"
I turn sharply, my heart in my mouth. Had Bellatrix seen what I had seen? Did she see it now?
"Are you deaf?"
I breathed out a sigh of relief. She hadn't seen anything, she was giving me the same irritated look that she gives me everyday.
"Sorry, just tired." I mumbled, getting up and moving over to my bed.
"From making out with Dean?" She teased, dragging out Dean's name and I laughed halfheartedly.
"You can thank me anytime now." She continued, smirking at me.
I sighed.
"Thanks Bella."
She raised an eybrow at me.
"Don't tell me we're actually becoming friends, Stella?"
I laughed, genuinely.
"Absolutely not."
~~~
It seems that I'm not the only thing that's slipping these days. Time is also slipping.
It seems the days, the weeks, the months are wandering past me and I'm only catching glimpses, pieces of the puzzle that don't fit together anymore.
Remus missing three weeks in a row after a particularly bad full moon.
Dean bringing me flowers after a month of being sort of together.
Watching Peter drop about nine textbooks on the floor while Bellatrix and Narcissa howl with laughter and doing nothing.
Not talking to Lily as much.
Sirius flirting with a striking brunette from Ravenclaw.
James and I passing in the hallway and smiling that polite smile at each other, like we're strangers or something.
And me, slipping.
It's getting worse. Sometimes, when I slip, I black out and wake up in weird places I don't remember going to, and that look behind me eyes doesn't go away anymore.
And my mother couldn't be happier.
On October 31st, Halloween of 1976, my day started off with the post.
Bella and I had just walked into the Great Hall when the owls flew in, like they do every Sunday morning. I didn't pay much notice to them, I've never needed to, I hardly ever receive mail.
But when I slid into the seat beside Dean, he pushed a large envelope toward me.
"Post, love." Dean attempted to say through a mouthful of toast.
"Hmm?" I hummed taking a bite out of the piece of toast in his hovered hand. It was coated in a thick layer of apricot jam.
He chuckled and pushed the envelope again.
"Letter came for you." He told me and I finally paid it some attention, prepared to tell him that it was some kind of mistake.
But it wasn't a mistake.
Sure enough, my name was written in careful, linked black ink across the customised stationary. I could just make out the Hart family sigil on the other side. My heart jumped slightly.
I handled it like it could have a bomb concealed in it or something- very, very gently. Inside there was a single piece of thick cream paper.
Dearest Estelle.
I am writing to commend you on your adept start to your sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I would like you to know that your efforts do not go unnoticed by me- nothing does- and that your father and I are proud at the level at which you are conducting yourself in your schooling and in your socialising. You have begun to conduct yourself like a true Hart, a true Slytherin woman. Aligning yourself with Bellatrix and Narcissa Black has been a smart choice and it is benefiting you well.
We have also heard that you are in a relatiosnhip with Dean Carterson. This is wonderful, Estelle. The Cartersons have been long time friends of our family and I have invited them to our Christmas Eve celebrations where I may meet your new boyfriend.
Continuing just the way you are, will ensure a superior sixth year at Hogwarts and an even brighter future beyond.
Regards,
Regina Hart
My mouth must have been hanging open, because Dean put his hand on my arm comfortingly and asked, "What's wrong, Estelle?"
I didn't know what to say, this is the nicest thing my mother has ever said to me, right here in my hands.
"Nothing," I managed to say, "nothing at all."
"In fact," I began, turning to him, a smile stretching across my face, "my mum already loves you and you're coming over for Christmas Eve."
Now it was Dean's turn to smile, his ears turning pink with the compliment. People were starting to file out of the Hall toward their first class and I jumped up too, determined to continue making my mum proud.
I pressed a quick kiss to Dean's lips before practically skipping out the door, the letter still clutched to my chest, not waiting for Bella. I had transfiguration first so I headed to that class straight away, marching ahead of the throng of students.
A flash of roaring red hair caught my eye and before I could fully think it through I called out her name.
"Lily!"
She stopped in her tracks and turned to meet me, her expression a mix of emotions.
"Hey Stella." She said carefully which stopped me short. I guess that's the way it is now but I wasn't prepared for how careful our relationship would be.
"I got a letter, from mum." I held it up and Lily eyed it warily.
"That's new." She said, with a hint of her usual sarcasm.
"She's proud of me, Lil." I said, shining with happiness, my voice all soft and whispery.
"She is?" Lily looked suprised, almost startled, like my words had knocked her off balence. I nodded.
Something flickered behind her eyes and she stepped toward me slightly.
"But, are you proud of you?" She asked quietly as students bustled around us, "because they're not the same thing."
Her words seemed to echo in my ears, like there were a hundred Lily's asking me the same fateful question.
"I- um, I..." I stuttered, suddenly overwhelmed.
"Stella." Lily sighed and I snapped to attention.
"No, don't do that! Of course I am, you just caught me by suprise, I thought you'd be happy for me." I rushed the words out, my face feeling hot.
Lily frowned.
"Why would I be happy that your mother is proud of you? You've never seeked her approval before, you never cared before!" She stated, her voice rising. A couple of people looked at us wirdly as they passed.
"Or have you forgotten?" She asked.
I didn't know what to say to that, last year seems so far away now, like it was a million years ago, like I was another person.
"It seems you've forgotten alot lately." She said softly before turning and continuing down the corridor toward Transfiguration.
I, however, couldn't move. I was so gobsmacked at what had just happened and what it all meant.
So I stood in the middle of the hallway, watching Lily go, wondering. Listening to the little voice in my head tell me that Lily and I would never be the same again.
~~~
Here's the thing about that little voice in my head.
It's a tricky bitch.
It's the reason I slip, the voice that pushes me over the edge. I didn't realise it at first but it's getting louder and louder and louder to the point where it's all I can hear.
Today started off quietly wonderful. Walking to the Great Hall with Bellatrix without any fighting, breakfast with Dean and my mother's glowing letter (well- glowing for her standards). Skipping through the halls to transfiguration I was so happy.
Was.
Until I spoke with Lily in the hallway and the happiness faded and the noise grew.
All through Transfiguration I tried to listen to what McGonogal was saying but when the class ended I looked down at my blank parchment and couldn't recall a single thing she had said. All that I could remember was things that the voice in my head was telling me.
Lily doesn't like you anymore.
It's never going to be the same again.
You're better suited to Bellatrix.
And when McGonogal asked Sirius to read aloud from the textbook we were studying, I closed my eyes and let his voice wash over me and the voice in my head began again.
You're better off without him.
You would have never worked.
He would have broken your heart or you would have broken his.
He's not the one.
Dean's the one.
The voice didn't stop with Transfiguration class. All through the day- which seemed as if it lasted forever- it whispered in my ear, turning my mood black.
It was someone's birthday in the Common Room that night so when I arrived late after wandering aimlessly around the grounds, there was a party in full swing.
I wasn't in the party mood at all but I was in the mood to get drunk, so when some Slytherin girl pressed a cup of something strong into my hand, I threw it back without asking what it was. It burned hideously but I asked for another one.
I had already finished that too by the time I made it over to Bella.
"Hey!" She crowed and I took her cup out of her hand and took a gulp, handing her my empty one.
She just threw her head back and laughed. Narcissa was perched on the edge of the couch next to Lucius who was talking to Dean, who already had his eyes on me.
"Hi" I said dragging the i out and waltzing over to him, a lazy smile on my lips as my body warmed after the alcohol met my bloodstream. Finally my mind was quiet.
"Hi love." He called to me and I let my gaze trail down him without shame.
I was in the mood to do some damage. Anything to keep the voice at bay, anything to hold onto the quiet. I walked tantilizingly slow over to him, a flirty look in my eyes and he laughed lowly. Lucius was watching too- much to Narcissa's dismay so she pulledb him away to dance.
Instead of taking either of the two empty spaces on the couch beside him, I planted myself on his lap, to his suprise but his arms went up to circle me automatically.
"I like it when you call me love." I mumurred.
He chuckled, brushing a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.
"How much have you had to drink?" He asked, eyeing up my cup.
I sighed, "not enough" I stated before taking another long gulp.
"Hey," Dean chided softly, taking the cup from my lips and setting it down on the coffee table. I frowned. He smoothed my brow and spoke again.
"Careful, love."
All of a sudden, I wasn't in Dean's arms anymore, I was a million miles away in the woods with Sirius as I told him to be careful and he told me that he didn't want to. Then my thoughts strayed to how not careful Sirius Black could actually be. That desire brought me back to reality, I shouldn't be wanting Sirius, I should be wanting this lovely- and not at all unattractive- boy infront of me.
So I cleared my head of Sirius by saying his own words.
"I don't want to be careful." But what I didn't say is that I wanted to do anything that would keep my mind quiet because thinking about Sirius was far too loud.
So before Dean could reply I leaned in and pressed my lips to his- a little harder than I meant to but I went with it and he did too. I swung my leg over so that I was stradling him, and placed my hands under his shirt against his flushed back. He mumbled something against my lips but I couldn't make it out so I just kissed him harder.
He pulled away.
"Estelle, you're drunk."
He moved me so that I sat on the couch instead of on his lap.
"I'm not. I've only had two and a half." I told him, not hiding my disappointment.
"It doesn't matter, not here, not now. It's not right." He said gently.
My body rushed with emotions, emabrassment, rejection, sadness, anger, regret and then all it once it was gone and I didn't feel anything. Absolutely nothing.
My chest felt hollow.
I let out a long breath. "Okay." I deadpanned.
I got up and walked numbly over to the stairs, he must've said something but I had well and truly slipped by then. No not slipped, because that would imply that I felt something and I didn't. I didn't feel anything.
I went straight to bed, still in my clothes, covering myself with silk sheets so that I couldn't see anything but the pressing darkness.
Something must be wrong with me, I shouldn't be feeling all that I'm feeling and I shouldn't be feeling nothing at all. That doesn't make sense but nothing really makes sense lately.
All I know is that I shouldn't be this person, I shouldn't be this way. But that also doesn't make sense.
Just before I slipped into a restless sleep, I realised that the darkness, wasn't so pressing anymore- it didn't seem so formidable.
A little voice whispered in my ear- a voice come to think of it that didn't actually sound like mine, had it ever? It didn't even sound familiar, it was strange and low and dark and I wondered if it had been that way the whole time.
"That's the thing about darkness, if you're in it for long enough, it doesn't seem so bad anymore."
I think the words were meant to be comforting, but instead they sounded almost...
deadly.
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AUTHORS NOTE
There was alot going on in this chapter, a lot of maybe confusing things but don't worry, all will be revealed in time ;) I just love developing and undeveloping characters. I love a good book that has a journey of charcater development so I hope you are enjoying/liking Stella's journey.
Don't forget to vote and comment because it means the world to me!!
*loves*
-J xx