I want to be hurt instead of you
so that there'll be no scars in your heart
Tiny white snow fell slowly on the roadside as he stepped foot for the first time. It's winter, and 5 months passed since they parted again.
They parted again as always.
And it's because of Haru's mistake.
By the time Makoto felt bliss, Haru thought he does not deserve to be loved and even felt so unfair that Makoto is so sure of his feelings whereas he is still doubting his. The sun started to rise up, making the light sting as it touched their skin.
At the same moment, their hearts were, too.
'Makoto?' He remembered his voice shook while his body trembled tremendously. The soft, gentle and caring voice of Makoto made him raise his eyebrows.
'What do you think of me?' He remembered gazing at the sun that's already making its way up. As he slowly turned to him, he remembered that huge smile on his face.
It was a very, very genuine one. It was one of a kind that he himself never get to see before. His eyes showed the confidence and the sureness, and he felt like he is ready to tell him how much he loved him from the very start.
'You are like a god.' He started, voice like honey to his ears. 'You are untouchable. You are so breathtakingly beautiful that I can't describe words about your beauty.'
'You are so highly wonderful that I felt like it's wrong to be with you. You are very pure like the snow falling from the sky; unique like the snowflakes falling with them. I am just a person that happened to meet you. I am nothing but someone. Sometimes, I felt like you are so far even when you're so near to me. But somehow I felt like this is right, because you are a god to me and someone like me who has nothing can also do nothing but to worship you.' He remembered his eyes twinkled at that time before he repeated while looking around. 'To worship. To adore. To love. Those are the things I did for you.'
'I know you are unaware of those things,' His forest green eyes met his azure ones, making him freeze as if it's ice trapping him. 'But because of these hidden feelings, you were able to smile in front of me.'
Haru remembered Makoto giving a long pause at the same time looking at the sun-lit sky; their naked bodies still intact with each other. 'At that moment when I saw you heartbroken and helpless, I was even more hurt in my heart. It felt so unfair because I sacrificed everything for you to be happy with him, yet he left you in that kind of state.'
He remember himself noticing the tear falling from his eye, and gently dried it. Makoto gave a smile, but it wasn't enough to hold those tears back.
'When I was about to hold you, I asked myself: is this even right? I feared that I will make you impure because I am unclean. But nevertheless, I...'
He remembered him seaming his lips as he tried to continue, but he instead failed and ended up crying. At that time, Haru regretted asking that question.
Because he already knew how much he loved him right from the start, but he still had the audacity to ask the same damn question with the fucking obvious answer.
'But why me?' He asked again, slowly drying those tears with his fingers. His eyes trailed along, hoping to find answers. 'Why me of all people?'
His hand met Makoto's, and squeezed it tenderly. 'I don't even know, Haru. Even if I think of other people, it will always be you.'
Haru always hated this. He hated how Makoto is too stubborn at anything. He is so sure that if it ends up this way, it would be finished.
'But Makoto, you have to forget me.'
The smile on Makoto's face quickly faded like a whiff of perfume. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused. 'But why, Haru?'
'Because in everything you do to me, Makoto, you end up hurting yourself.'
He did not mean it that way.
He did not mean that Makoto is a pain in the ass.
He did not mean that everything he did is worthless and insignificant.
He did not mean that he didn't felt touched of everything he sacrificed for him.
All he meant was that Makoto is blaming himself for all that happened in his life that he didn't even do.
Ever since they met, he always looked at him as his bestfriend.
However, it's a lie.
When they were just kids who knew innocently nothing about how the world works, he could feel the smallest thumping of his heart every time that tiny boy would give his pearly white grin on him. He ignored those, thinking those were just emotions felt when you are with a dear friend.
As time passed, those became overwhelming and louder. But it slowly faded. He always thought that it faded by the time he was able to understand how love works between two people, but somehow it left a fake impression as they grew older.
Haru mistaken it as love by the time Rin showed up again after coming back to Australia.
He always wondered why these feelings in seeing Rin are so familiar, but in reality he just saw Rin as an illusion of Makoto's little self.
Somehow, he was unaware that he was just looking at the shadow behind Rin.
And it was Makoto.
Rin, too, realised this by the time he saw them by chance on Nagisa and Rei's party. He thought that Haru is into him, but instead it was because he and Makoto were similiar in some ways.
He noticed that even if Makoto was sweet as honey and pure as the water, he has a dangerous side lurking beneath him.
And at last, it unleashed.
Looking at the white sky, Haru stood there, frozen. He didn't care how cold it was, or how the snow fell and blocked his sight, but he just stood there. It's white, and everything is peaceful. He always loved the winter, like the way he loved Makoto. Cold and freezing in the outside, but warm in the inside.
'Nii-chan, what does it take to love someone?' He turned his head and saw a kid and her older brothe building a snowman.
'Ayu, loving someone is like caring.' He could not take his eyes off as soon as the two started conversing. It felt like he has done this kind of thing with someone, and suddenly, his heart started giving those little thumps as soon as he remembered it was Makoto. 'When you love someone, you take care of them so that they won't be hurt.'
'Does it mean that if you hurt someone, you don't love them?'
'No, Ayu. There'll still be times where you'll hurt them even if you love them. Example, when you lie or even doubt them, you hurt them because they gave their all to you, yet you didn't give it back.'
'So, it means that when you love someone, you should love them, nii-chan?'
'There are things like that. When you love someone, and they love you back, that's great. But sometimes, the person you give love doesn't give it back. And that hurts.'
'Where does it hurt, nii-chan?'
The man gave a smile before pointing to his heart. Haru flinched as he saw how the man's smile looked painful. 'It hurts here, Ayu.'
'But don't we need to treat it to the doctor so that it doesn't hurt?' The man gave a small chuckle as he messed her hair. 'No, it doesn't need a doctor to stop it. It sometimes takes the strength to endure it so that you can look at everyone with a smile.'
'But doesn't it look sad, nii-chan? You smile but deep inside you're sad.' The kid pouted as she inserted a stick in the side. The man gave a smile. 'You will learn so many things in life, Ayu. Maybe one day, you'll experience that feeling too. Can we go back home now, hm?'
Haru stood there as they walked away, holding hands with each other. He did not notice the small little tear escape from his eye. That tiny sting in his heart became bigger as soon as he heard those words.
Wow. He is so amazed with himself. He even need to hear from other people to realise how blind he is.
Without noticing, he walked back to his house. The warm, fuzzy feeling touched his skin as he bounced on his bed before looking up to the ceiling blankly. It's horrible, he thought as he looked back on what happened between him and Makoto. It's so horrible that he forgot what he said to him.
'Am I really that harsh?' The words coming out from his mouth were out of control, and he felt like he is floating. His life is a rolling tire losing its grip from a vehicle. It has ups and downs, but they are all downs. His relationships failed, his will to live is gone like dust and he feels nothing.
He is too blank, like a canvas which stood untouched for ages, still waiting paitently for a hand to carress and give sketches to it.
But he soon realised that when he met that little boy of the Tachibanas, there were a few lines drawn. They were light, like the memories that they did together which left a faint mark on him.
But when he met him again, there were already colors. Yet they were never strong. There stood colors but they were faint, like watercolor. It faded so easily, and crumbled shortly.
Like how light would easily scatter its colors to a prism, the bond that that held them together soon lost.
And it's his fault.
You're such a soft-hearted person
Every time you are silently in pain
Even if I have to give my all
I want to make you smile again
The voice coming from the radio reached his ears as he sat on the edge of his bed. He gazed at the window and noticed how snow fell down the ground, making him realise he is unaware that time flew too fast.
After a few months from moving out, Makoto is still adjusting to his apartment. It contrasted so much between how he used to live there and here; full of minimal, yet home-felt noises, while on the other hand, there was nothing but the words that came from the radio that accompanied his loneliness.
So many things happened in his life. He lived on the job where his self worth was at cost, and endured being away from his family for years, lying that he was okay. But later on, he met him once again for the sake of forgetting him, but unaware that he made a mistake and is now attached to him like a parasite.
For all the times he avoided falling for him, he became more and more charmed on him. He never knew why, but of all people it has to be him.
His world revolved around him. He compared the blueness of the sea to the color of his eyes, and how the black sky without stars reflected the gleaming hair of his. He is so beautiful to the point it made him think that he is a god.
A god. A frail god.
His eye twitched as he remembered that facet of a memory.
It might be so long since he heard those words about him forgetting, but for him the wound is still bleeding freshly. Everytime he reminisced things he did with him, he felt like salt is rubbed against the wound.
Day after day, he wished that everything didn't happened. He1 wished that everything is still the same. He wished that it didn't happened so that Haru would still smile without him being the reason.
He was desperate. He was willing to give all for him.
But he crossed that line where he unintentionally harmed himself.
He crossed his arms and felt the size of his body shrinking. He wondered why; he is always tired, and had the constant loss of appetite, which made him question himself as he stopped eating his favorite food. His voice became hoarse and it felt like he is choking frequently.
A sigh came out from his mouth as he stood up. He then stopped as he looked at himself on the mirror. His skin became darker, and his expression is gloomier. He noticed these changes, but he paid no attention despite how much he broke down in the past few days. He became weaker, and depression ate himself out of the blue.
It seemed like the coldness of the weather became his expression.
Looking back on what happened between them, he is sure that he is the one to be blame; tempting himself to go back to where he was before became the worst move for him. But what can he do? It already happened.
REN
Aniki, I hope you're doing well.
His phone lit up as he walked down the street. As he read it, a small, yet sad smile crept up on his face. Despite how the coldness of the wind took a bite in his jacket-clothed body, he felt the warmth. The snow-covered road made him calm on each step he took, making him walk easily even if he frequently coughed.
He stopped by the hospital for a check-up. He wondered why his cough seemed to be persistent in reappearinh, and how he can't breathe properly. The atmosphere is serene and no sound can be heard as he waited, but until his name was called, he wemt anxious.
Why is he even anxious?
He dressed back again, and sat beside the doctor, who looked seriously on the paper. He proceeded to look at the view outside obstructed by the blinds.
It's been a while. He thought. What happened to him?
But for a split second, he removed him from his thoughts as the deep (and suspiciously shaking) voice called him out. 'Uh, Makoto-san.'
As he turned, he saw the serious face of the doctor, but it felt like it's far different. It felt like something's wrong.
It's like his eyes are saying sorry to him.