you look happy when i see you,
it's so beautiful it's sad
Makoto always knew Haru only looks at him as his childhood bestfriend. Ever since by birth, they are destined to stand close to each other, holding out palms and intertwining fingers as they walked down the road that embarked their lives as a journey. He felt bliss despite Haru's cold as water at dawn, because he knew that he's the only one who felt the warmth from him.
Time by time, Makoto realised that the warmth that he used to touch ended up being an bolt that shocked his heart. He used to look up at Haru as his older brother and his bestfriend, but now he looks down on him as someone whom he harbored feelings of romance with. Makoto didn't say anything, while Haru noticed nothing.
The closer their bond became, the more Makoto fell for his emotionless face. His heart would beat faster than a treadmill everytime Haru held his hand, and it would explode like fireworks everytime he compliments him. Makoto always thought Haru is always have his eyes and attention towards him.
But he realised that he was wrong by the time the one who ran away came back.
He noticed how affectionate Haru's eyes would look everytime he sees the red-haired Rin. He knew that Haru wanted Rin to forgive him from the unintended things he has done, but he felt such wrath underneath he can't explain.
It didn't take long to realise that he's jealous. He felt jealous on Rin, because all the attention that Haru has are suddenly thrown to Rin. He wanted to be angry and punch Rin until he can't breathe, but he can't. He never had the right to do so.
But at the same time, he couldn't help this exploding anger from holding back in the shadows.
'Why do you keep seeing Rin?' He asked that time when he saw him and Rin by chance. His blood boiled instantly and grabbed Haru's wrist then walked away in an agitated manner. The moment he realised that he did something wrong happened when Haru asked him: 'I wanted to see him because I want him to forgive me. You have no right to meddle.'
'Yeah, right. I forgot I have no right.' He growled back. He knew he has nothing to do with them, but his heart cracks when he sees them in that position. But then again, he knew his selfishness has gone up and crossed the line. He kept on apologising all over again, making Haru worry why he's like that.
Makoto always reassured him that nothing happened. But deep inside, he became troubled about his feelings interferred Haru's life. He just wanted to make him happy, but the fact that he's stopping him for no reason (but there is, he kept on denying) felt like something's wrong with him.
Once again being the lamb for the ritual, he sacrificied and swallowed his pride and happiness by hiding in the darkness as the wingman of their love story.
If his feelings were humans, they would've told Haru how much Makoto liked him; but Makoto would try his best to shut them the fuck up.
He tried to prepare himself for the impact he's going to take when Haru will like someone else. But before he could do it, Haru already broke his heart; not by the words that came out from his lips, but from the tender, loving gaze to Rin. He felt his heart smash to pieces as he saw it firsthand. Unable to control his emotions like a child, he ran and hid, crying all by himself.
'Makoto-chan, why are you crying?' He looked up to find the worried Nagisa standing in front of him. He wanted to say that he wasn't, but seeing it's too obvious, he replied. 'It's nothing.'
'You can't say it's nothing, Makoto-chan,' Nagisa sat and wiped the endless tears on his eyes with his thumb. 'Nobody cries without a reason unless you have a runny nose.'
Makoto laughed. 'I fucking hate you, Nagisa.'
Even if it's just a bit too much, Makoto told Nagisa how much he loved Haru, and how he's the reason he's crying. But Nagisa understood because he always knew just by the look in his eyes, yet there's one thing he could not understand. 'If you really like him, why didn't you confess?'
'Because I already knew he liked someone, but that someone isn't me.'
Makoto knew that in his dreams, he held Haru lovingly and has never let him go, but as soon as he woke up, that dream became shattered glass on the floor. He's stuck between his true love for him, and his fear of him leaving. He would ask himself different questions, yet he could not find the answers.
Why wasn't it me? Wasn't I the one who stayed by his side longer than him? Wasn't I the one who comforted him after he hurt him? Wasn't it I who did everything so that he won't be hurt again?
Maybe Haru has stockholm syndrome or he's just a masochist.
Makoto had his heart break into pieces as he tried not to fall, but he failed and fell in love anyway. It became his habit to lie everytime Haru asked about him, and he endured the pain of seeing someone he liked for long liking someone else. He knew he has to do it because it's a very normal problem for people liking someone and that is a harsh reality.
But after a few months passed, Makoto never thought he had an opportunity to escape from his hellhole. After his parents suggested him to go to Tokyo for college, he wasted no time and agreed immediately. He felt bitterness on the tip of his tongue, but somehow he wanted to do it, for the sake of Haru's happiness. Haru would be happy loving Rin without him, right?
It was just a few months before graduation when the results of his tests came out. Makoto felt happy, but at the same time sad. He doesn't want to leave Haru but he felt like leaving him would make him feel at ease. His parents noticed his gloominess and decided to talk with him about it. 'Did you want to leave so eagerly so that you will forget Haru?'
By that time when Makoto heard them, he felt his insides flinch. It never took him the time to realise that all of the time the person he liked is a guy. Afraid and anxious, he tried to say sorry and promised them a wife and a child. But to his surprise, the both of his parents laughed.
'Don't promise us those things, Makoto.' They reassured, making Makoto think it's unbelievable. 'We don't find it wrong that you liked guys to begin with. We already knew you liked Haru from the beginning. As long as you're happy liking that person, then we're fine with it. Although we wanted grandchildren though..'
'Hey, we still have the twins, so don't even worry.'
'Ah, our Makoto has grown. You've matured enough, dear. We accept you, okay? Remember that love isn't a choice.'
'If our bean can't give us child, can we make another one, mama?'
'Shut it!' Makoto laughed at his parents' silliness. A thorn has been pulled out of Makoto's chest, yet somehow he felt like it left a painful sensation on it as he remembered that Haru is the reason he's leaving Iwatobi.
He never thought he would break Haru's heart.
Makoto was dumbfounded to think that after 5 years he had forgotten Haru. The trauma he had experienced in Tokyo made him such a bitter person. Mixed with the first love that never seem to fade, he was liked a walking block of ice as soon as he came back from the place he grew at.
He felt his walls crumble as soon as he saw Haru again. He wanted to endure, but he cannot. After all this time, he had thought he had forgotten everything, but he was still wrong. Now that he wanted to say goodbye, he tried to comfort him from something he had regretted a long time ago.
He had regretted trusting Haru's happiness on Rin.
By the time when Makoto had decided to meet again on the club with everyone, he noticed Rin with someone. It was different from Haru's body; his built was big and he had dark spiky hair. For a moment he had realised that it was Sousuke. It took a minute for them to talk which was inaudible due to the music before looking at each other's eyes and kissing.
Makoto was surprised when he saw Haru walking ouside the comfort room, about to go to the direction where they were doing something. Scared and nervous, he ran, but then stopped to walk slowly to him. With his heart pounding tremendously, he hugged him, hoping it will distract him from seeing his very own boyfriend kissing his bestfriend. His chest hurts.
'Who...are you?'
Ah, Makoto had remembered he had changed. With a silent, regretful sigh, he then whispered, 'I was just somebody that you used to know.'
Walking away and losing himself from the crowd, he instantly knew that his heart was back again with those crazy palpitations. And fuck that, he wasn't ready for it.
Now that he was stuck again with him, he was desperate to say goodbye to him and forget everything that happened to them. But seeing what happened next made him stay a bit longer.
He promised to himself he will just stay by his side a bit longer. A bit longer.
By that time he went to the bar and saw him being reckless, he could not help but feel his anger flame up on Rin. But at the same time he felt the wound on his heart opened up again as he saw Haruka whispering Rin all over again while crying and whining how he cheated on him.
Makoto had regretted leaving him. He left and gave up his happiness for him, yet why is he crying like that?
I'm becoming more and more sorry,
looking at you with these kinds of
feelings
I made a big mistake, I made a mistake
The dream that grew inside of me
Was that time would bring you to me
like the wind
He had tried to do everything to drift away from him, to distance himself from the exact way they were apart. But he could not help but to be pulled back by Haru, who never knew who he was. Makoto had soon realised that he had made a wrong move when he met him again by the name Mako. He had never realised that he will hurt him again.
'I like you.' Haru spoke with all might. Makoto looked at him and saw that he was trembling like a kid. His eyes squinted in sadness, as he caressed his face with hand. Haru could feel the warmth from his cheeks, making the heat from them intensify even more. The whole pause between them were silent; they both looked into each other's eyes with such meaning that words could never put value.
The silence was special, but for Makoto it was tormenting. It was tormenting him if ever the stench of him will be spilled out in thin air. But what can he do? He had vowed to himself that this night where they met will be the same night they'll part ways as Makoto would tell him everything.
Pained and anxious, he blurted out.
'Haruka, I'm Makoto.'
Haru's eyes widened. It wasn't that it shocked him, but it felt like the shock was giving shivers down to his spine. It took a moment for him to stare into his forest green eyes before tiny droplets of water had slowly gone down trickling on his face. 'Ah-Haru!'
Makoto had thought that Haru would push him away, but instead he had gripped his jacket tight. His ears had reach mumblings from his mouth as he looked at him. 'So I was right...it was you.'
His mumblings has turned into silent sobs, where Haru had realised that it was him. It was really Makoto. He felt happiness inside him, but there was just only one thing he could not understand at him at all.
'Why did you change?'
All of this time, Makoto had felt the feeling of euphoria. He had always reminded Haru of not forgetting the things he needed, but somehow he forgot to include himself for him. Everytime when they call, he would often talk how it was starting to rain, but deep inside, he had always wanted to told him how he often thinks of him everytime he sees them dripping by his window.
He was always the one who will wait for him. But he had later realised that he was being an idiot, always waiting for something to happen. But now that he had gone far away from where he used to be, he can't help but feel the lingering scent of Haru.
I miss you but I think you don't.
He had always thought everytime he thinks he had missed him so bad. His heart was impatient on making him forget that he was completely installed to his heart.
What if it was me?
By the time he tried to give him a cold shoulder, the moment where he regretted everything had started at the same time. Makoto had hated himself so much that he can't understand a thing happening on both of his heart and mind. It was uneasy, yet he had risked something that would lose half of his life.
Both of his arms had wrapped Haru's small frame, grasping tightly despite he was unable to speak or even answer the question. He wanted to answer and explain everything, but he cannot so. He felt a mixture of grief and joy. Haru had hugged him back, gently caressing his wide chest.
Were they even lovers? Both of them let the sea narrate the feelings they both long to tell. Makoto had his for Haru for such a long, long time he couldn't even remember how the hell he had fallen in the ocean blue eyes of Haruka Nanase. Haru on the other hand, had been doubting his feelings for him. He had always thought Makoto was just the same old boy he used to be. But as long as he felt his heart skipping a beat, he will try to give back the lost time Makoto had his for him.
Were they even doubting each other?
The sea was calm. The birds of the sky that were rare at night had flew between the moon and the two.
Say the words you want to say tomorrow
Tell me that you're sorry tomorrow
Where do you keep looking?
This is the place you should be
Despite he can hear his heart cracking, Makoto smiled.