When Vera heard the song 'Holding Out For a Hero' from the speakers, she didn't realize it. Not at the time. The next song was Foo Fighter's 'My Hero'. Then Nickleback's 'Hero' started playing and her suspicion slowly rose. Mariah Carey's 'Hero' and Enrique Iglesias's followed and it was impossible to ignore it at that point.
She turned to Terri with an incredulous look. "Seriously?"
Her friend wore an innocent expression. "What?"
"This!" Vera exclaimed and pointed up in the general direction of the speakers. "How did you even managed that? Since when are you in charge of the music?"
Terri's eyes popped and she looked around, giving the impression of searching for clues. "What's wrong with the music? I have no idea what you're talking about."
And that was the end of their conversation, because Terri served another customer. Vera just gritted her teeth when she recognized the first tones of The Chainsmokers's and Coldplay's 'Superhero'.
It was around ten songs later (all with mentions of heroes) when Caroline used her break, because there was almost no one in the café, and Terri spun to her. "So, are we gonna talk about it?" she asked Vera impatiently. Her eyes were shining from too much coffee and the lack of sleep.
Vera sighed. She so should have seen this coming. "About what?"
Terri threw her hands in the air, spreading them widely. "Everything! The fact you literally ran to save his ass. Or that you donated more than a fair share of your blood with the knowledge of passing out or about the fact that he's totally into you!" She sounded excited. And offended, obviously thinking there is something important Vera forgot to share. (For example the fact that the guy she had been on a date with was the local vigilante and she knew about it for a while now.)
Vera rubbed her eyes, trying not to wipe away the residues of mascara she had there from the other day. "What do you want me to say, Terri? He saved my life. Three times as you happened to highlight just few days ago. Of course I helped him. You can't say you wouldn't do the same in my place, because I have no doubt you would."
"Vera, he had your number in his phone," she pointed out, not buying it.
Vera snapped her head up. "He did?"
"Yeah." Terri made a confused face. "Why else you think we would- wait, you didn't know? You didn't give it to him?" she demanded, suddenly horrified.
Sakra, sakra, sakra. What now?! "Uhm... I mean... he asked for it, but I never expected him to actually save it." There.
"And why else would he ask it, you brilliant mind? Why did you give it to him?" She paused, examining Vera thoughtfully and her mouth hung open in disbelief. "You- you have feelings for him! Are you crazy?! Vera! You-" she grabbed her arm and dragged her away from the counter – there were no customers waiting anyway. "He's dangerous. Being around him is dangerous. Also, do I need to remind you, that you were on a date with Matthew super-hot-and-badass-lawyer Murdock? I can't believe you!"
Abort! Talking about Matt and vigilante in too short notice! Terri would make the connection sooner or later. Vera had to be very convincing now.
"Terri. Calm down. There's nothing between us. It's true that I- look, I can see him a as a human being - he's just a guy, okay? He's a good person, he saved me, but has his own friends, family, loves, life and as far as I know, he probably sacrifices a lot of it because of helping other people. So yes, I care about him. But you don't need to remind me Matt, I love him. I am not gonna fall for some vigilante," she spouted sentences as they were popping in her head, hoping they made sense.
She huffed. That was exhausting.
And Terri was silently gaping at her, her lips slowly forming an amazed smile. "Oh-my-god!" she yelped and covered her mouth with her hand. "Ohmy," she mutter in her palm.
Vera didn't understand what was happening. What did she say?! She blinked. Did she somehow give away some Matt-Mike connection? Ježiši Kriste. What if Terri made the connection? Vera started to panic.
"Terri-"
"You have no idea what you just said, do you?" she asked her, still watching her in awe.
No, she did not. She shrugged, palms turned up in what gesture.
"You are one of a kind. Honey, you just told me you love him. Matt, that is," Terri explained her with a patient smile and Vera frowned at her. Did she?
But you don't need to remind me Matt, I love him.
Huh. Guess she had.
"Oh," was her reaction.
And she actually did. She did love him. For who he was, for what he was doing. For his passion and will. For his smile and laugh, his dorkiness and jokes. For his brilliance. His gentle voice and tenderness, bravery and protectiveness. She loved him. "Then I guess I do." That realization made her smile.
Terri squeaked. "That's so great! But I didn't give him the shovel talk yet, so don't tell him!"
"Oh, I won't." He didn't have to feel the same. Vera could tell he cared for her – a big time if she would be self-confident enough. But was it love? She would not be the first one to reveal her feelings. It had to be him if he ever got to this stage.
"Awwwww. I think I am going to get diabetes, it's sooo sweet." Then she shut up and prepared hot chocolate no one ordered, making a note on a piece of paper. "Now drink. You need your liquids and sugars."
They didn't bring up the topic again, but the thought of loving Matt didn't leave in Vera's mind for the rest of the day.
---
At half past one, Vera was barely on her feet. Terri decided to walk her home, afraid of Vera ending up lying on the pavement unconscious. Vera thanked her and the very same moment she closed the door of her flat, she put off the contacts and camped on the couch without any intention to leave for another hour or two. She wasn't ready for falling asleep within five minutes when seating on it.
Her dreams weren't nice – they were literal nightmare in fact. There was blood everywhere, Matt's, Terri's, her parent's and brother's, Nina's – Collins's face was staring at them all bleeding and laughed and laughed until he finally raised his baseball bat and collided it with Vera's head. She woke up with terrified scream sounding deafening to her own ears, gasping for air.
Vera decided to skype her mum immediately, knowing she was being ridiculous. But they actually had a long chat, Vera delighted at the fact she had successfully donated blood (not mentioning fading and the involvement of a certain man in black), admitting after her mum's probing look that she was so happy also because she had had a date recently. Vera didn't give her mother many details about it though. She rather asked about the rest of the family – just in case.
She also chatted with Marky, Anna and Jitka since she had been neglecting them lately. Once she mentioned her date, she was bombarded with tons of questions and requests for photo and social media profiles. Her friends were disappointed she didn't have any picture and horrified when they found out he didn't use facebook or twitter. Vera did give them more info about the date and Matt himself, but she still left the small detail that he was blind for herself. Baby steps.
They switched the topic to the wedding, when her phone started ringing. Vera reached for it, surprised. It was Matt. She immediately picked up.
"Matt! Hey, how are you feeling?" she blurted, not waiting for his greeting.
Quiet voice. "Hello. Sorry, I was worried. You didn't answer my text and..." Vera frowned and checked her phone – she did have a text there.
Hey, Vera. How was your shift? You okay?
She had received it around half past three – she must have been sleeping at the time.
"Sorry. I haven't noticed, I... actually fell asleep when I got home. It was all good. I feel better. What about you?" she demanded his status. And then she realized he was calling from his phone. Not the burner phone. "Are you at home? Did Claire let you wander the streets in your condition or did you sneak out?"
He sighed. "No. She called Foggy earlier, he brought me some stuff from my apartment, I'm staying another night and going... home tomorrow."
"You're totally planning on going to work, aren't you?" Vera suspected. "Matt, you need to rest."
His huff was barely audible through the phone. "Sounds rich, coming for you-"
"I haven't been stabbed! Twice! And cut like million times!" She was getting frustrated. Matt was being suicidal. She was really hoping he didn't want to go out at night too. "And you can't walk!"
"It wasn't million times. And you needed to rest too. You... you lost a lot of blood," his voice sounded adamant. It pissed her off.
"Matthew. First, I donated it. There's a difference. Second, I was okay. I had to go to work. You don't. I'm sure you can manage a videoconference or something, right? Foggy can bring the work to you..."
"Vera-"
"And you never told me how you feel. And do not say fine," Vera spitted the last word as a curse.
"What do you want me to say then? Yes, I don't feel at my best. I'll live."
She huffed. You better. "Okay." She didn't want to fight with him. She didn't.
"Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay." Vera confirmed. They fell in silence.
"I was really worried about you," Matt offered kindly.
"Well, you scared me to death, Matt. What if Terri didn't find you? You... you need to be more careful. And wear some armour or... whatever."
"It would slow me down. I won the fight. And I am being careful. Can't say the same about you though. Vera, just... what were you thinking? You were injured not long time ago. And you ran here, offering your blood, not just accepting the possibility of passing out while doing it, but knowing you'll pass out." His voice was pleading now, but also sounding accusing.
"You were- hurt pretty badly, Matt. What were you expecting me to do?"
"Anything, really. Especially not endangering your life," he said, pissed off. He was pissed off.
Vera felt her own anger rising again. The picture of his bloody torso floated in her mind. She remembered her dream, him dying, the helplessness she felt in her dream. She imagined being helpless like that the night before and it made her sick.
Her life wasn't in danger at the time. His was. "I didn't endanger my life," she deadpanned, something inside of her boiling though.
"You did! You could have DIED, Vera!" he shouted now and she exploded too.
"No I couldn't! It was safe enough! I wouldn't do it if it wasn't!" she yelled at him back and her hand shot up to her mouth at the same moment the words left her lips.
Ježiši Kriste. What did she just say? Did she just-
Oh my god. She basically told him she would let him die.
It was a terrible thing to say. But there was one thing that was thousand, million times worse. Her heart pounded in her chest, blood rushing in her ears so loud she couldn't hear another sound. It wasn't what she exclaimed. It was the fact her heartbeat was despite its strength and pace scarily steady. She was furious at the moment, she let it out in pure rage, but she was telling the truth. She was the most horrible human being walking the Earth. She was a fucking monster.
"Oh my god," she whispered, deaf to anything coming out of the phone. There might be nothing but deadly silence, she wouldn't know.
Vera hung up and let her phone fall. Tears streamed down her face. The very same day she said she loved the man, she discovered her deepest darkest secret. That despite loving him, or at least thinking so, she would... she wouldn't...
Would she give her life up for someone else? For her parents? For her brother? She didn't know and she realized she didn't want to know.
Vera sat there for hours. She didn't sob. She wasn't hyperventilating. She just sat there and let the tears of disgust rolling down, not bothering to wipe them away. She thought her phone was ringing. And beeping. She didn't answer it. She wasn't even sure whether it was her phone or her ears ringing.
She only got up when she realized she had been sitting in a dark. Vera eyed her watch, finding out it was almost eleven o'clock. She took a shower, brushed her teeth and went to bed, where she silently continued her previous doing. Crying.
She turned off the sounds on the phone and set her alarm. She had a morning shift. She had to go there. She needed the job.
She might fall asleep. She might not. It didn't matter. The one terrible thing she found out about herself that day, was screaming in her mind with no sound.
---
"You, my dear, look like absolute shit. Did you get worse? You should have stayed at home..." It was Terri's voice, talking to her. Why would she want to talk to her? "Vera!"
A hand waving in front of her face.
"What?" Vera blinked, surprised when she heard her own voice - it sounded so... strange.
"Have you been crying all night? Are you okay? What happened?" Terri was worried now. Great.
Vera put on her best smile. "I am fine."
"Do not smile like that. It's terrifying." Yeah, that's my real middle name. "Did you... did you fight with Matt?"
That snapped Vera from her apathy. "What makes you say that?" Strange. Strange and cold.
"I'll take that as a yes. Is he angry because of... you know?"
Vera looked at her friend for the first time. She was leaning in her direction, examining her, concerned. Why should someone care for her? Her of all people? It wasn't not like Vera cared enough, did she?
"Yeah. Yeah. He is. I mean... I am. We both are." She was sure he was very angry with her. If she was him, she would never spoke to her again. Ever. "I uhm... I said some-" unforgivable "-bad things. He's not talking to me. Actually I don't talk to him, he tried to call me after we fought and I hung up. It's... complicated." Because he is kinda the very same man I had donated blood yesterday, but only when knowing it had been like super-safe and I had had nothing to be worry about. 'Cause I wouldn't do it otherwise.
Vera scanned her surroundings. She was at the café. Was she just sitting – no, she was standing, leaning onto the counter – or did she work? "Did I actually serve any customers today?" she asked Terri, genuinely curious.
Vera thought Terri gave her a shocked look. "Yes. Yes, you did and you were like a freaking robot, Vera. Did you notice you made like ten gingerbread lattes today without learning it? I mean, it's not a rocket science, it's pretty much the same as pumpkin.... I had to drag you away from the counter to take a break and once I let go of your hand, you just walked back. It's scary as hell. And I am saying this after what I saw just two nights ago."
"Oh." So she did work. Good. Let's keep it that way. "What can I get you?"
---
Thursday was unpleasant. Vera was waking up. Her emotions were waking up and she cried like a baby. She was disgusted with herself and she missed Matt and she couldn't even make herself to pick up a phone and call him. She actually left her phone home, just like the previous day. It was liberating.
She didn't want to bother putting on a mascara, but she came to conclusion that she would frighten customers who were looking on her outside (without seeing her twisted, deviant inside), so she used the waterproofed one. Her insides hurt. The fact she possibly forgot to eat yesterday and the evening before probably had something to do with it, yet, she knew it was more about psychical pain. Her heart ached. And she felt really sick. She managed to drink a cup of Americano – she wouldn't enjoy her favourite tea, so tried coffee for the third time in her life. The whole shift she felt nauseous from the weird black liquid. It served her right.
When she was leaving the café, Terri grabbed her hand to catch her attention – she was just entering, so she probably had the afternoon shift. "You're going to Fogwell's tonight?"
Vera didn't understand why she was asking. But it sounded like a good idea. She needed to get it out. She needed to hit something and since punching herself would look bad, the punching bag would have to suffice. And she had to clean up anyway. "Yeah. Why?"
Terri bit her lip. "No reason. Just... you look like you have to beat something up, so..."
Vera tried to smile at her friend. She knew her so well. "Yeah. Thanks. Have a good shift." Have a good shift? Maybe she should stop talking out loud. It would save her so many troubles.
She managed to buy some food on her way home and eat at least an apple before heading to the gym. If she wanted to ruin her body with beating the shit out of anything, she needed energy.
Her cleaning out was quick and effective. She found her hands trembling for being wrapped and clenched into fists. She put the music on and started. Imagining her face instead of the bag was helpful. It took her one song to breathe hard and start crying again.
"Doprdele!" she yelled and blew the bag hardest as she could. God. Vera was pissed. She was mad and sorrowful and exhausted. Drained. And it was all her and all those feelings were mingling inside her and she was letting them out. She yelled again, placing a powerful kick. Another one. One more and a series of quick small punches.
"Krucinál!" She hit the bag both hands simultaneously when the music changed. She didn't want to stop. But her head was spinning, she couldn't seem to catch her breath. She didn't stop crying for one second. Slow tones filled the room and she started stretching.
The fourth slow song was playing when she finished and she felt something she didn't for a very long time. She wanted to dance. Vera used to dance. Long time ago, she loved contemporary dancing, because it was a portal to another world. When she wanted to express any emotion, the dancing room she had attended with few other girls, friends perhaps, had been the one and only place where she could have.
So when she heard the first words of 'Into The West' , she tried few moves experimentally.
Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You've come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Her limber was a little rusty, sure, but her body remembered dancing. And after such a long time, it was actually calling for it. And the lyrics. It felt they were talking directly to her. She wished they would.
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
Did she want to go home? Did she need the lights to guide her there? Would she deserve to go home and let someone guide her?
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass
Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say:
«We have come now to the end»
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping
She would like to return home (wherever that was now). Go home and sleep. Oh god. She just wanted to sleep in someone's arms.
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West
She ended up sitting in a ball, head on her knees, still crying. But calmer than before. Peaceful. She could feel a smile creeping on her lips shyly, as if it was afraid of Vera chasing it away deliberately.
"I didn't know you dance too."
Vera snapped her eyes open into the darkness created by her arms and knees. She was going insane.
"I used to," she said to no one.
"It was beautiful. I can't see everything, but I can sense most of it. The grace. The harmony in your movements."
Huh. She probably didn't imagine him. It was easier to talk to him when she believed she did though. So she didn't look at him. She didn't move at all to keep that tricky illusion.
"Do you ever get tired of everything?"
"Yes."
"Of yourself? Did you... did you ever scare yourself with something you did? Felt sorry for it later? But then you found out that's who you are no matter how much you hate it?"
Her chest ached. She didn't want to breathe, hoping it would be less painful, but when she didn't, neither the feeling of her own betrayal or the pain went away.
"It surprises me you have to ask me that question of all people."
"I said a terrible thing. It made me to want to... to rip myself open from the... disgust of myself. Because it was the truth. I know it was."
Matt sighed. She didn't have enough strength to solve the puzzle of emotion behind it. "I'm glad."
Vera snapped her head up. He was hesitantly standing few steps from her. Shifting his weight, not taking any action as if he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't wear his glasses. He didn't have his cane. He held himself like he was absolutely healthy and didn't carry multiple cuts and stabs on his body. Or had busted ankle. He was in his lawyer suit.
So many unimportant facts trying to distract her from what he was saying.
"What?"
His figure came to life, crossing the distance, kneeling next to her and sitting on his heels. If she searched hard enough, she would find relief on his face. "I'm glad that what you said was true."
He really had said that. She had heard him right. Vera blinked away her tears, too shocked by his exclaims to react. He didn't seem to mind. He attempted to form his own thoughts. "Vera... if you have enough sanity to value your life more than mine, or someone else's for that matter, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with the will to live-"
"But it's not what you do. You're like a walking selflessness. You run into a fire not caring you might get burn." ...to death.
He made a grimace and then carefully touched her shoulder. Vera contentedly hummed at the comforting touch. She missed it and she unconsciously leaned into his hand. Matt smiled with a timid smile and stroked her shoulder few times.
"I never said I am a role model... I told you that your heartbeat is a very important sound for me. I wasn't lying. I would hate if anyone died because of me. But the idea that one day I wake up and I won't hear your heartbeat, finding out it fell silent because of me, or for me... that's just unimaginable. How could I live with that?"
"Do they teach you how to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders in some kind of a vigilante school?" She covered his hand on her shoulder with her palm. His hand was a little cold against hers.
His lips twitched. "No. That part is catholic." His eyes became very serious. "Vera. I didn't properly thank you that night, I was holding everything inside me and then it blew off later. I'm sorry. What you did for me was... I am grateful. So much. But for god's sake, don't do that again."
Vera pursed her lips. As long her life wasn't in danger... "...No promises."
He took a sharp breath in, closed his eyes and exhaled agonizingly slowly. "Vera. Did you listen to what I just said?"
"Yes. Don't worry. Doesn't matter. Even though I think I love you, I am still too selfish to actually risk my life, so-"
... If her mind wasn't screaming at her 'What the hell did you just do?!' loudly enough, the frozen hand on her shoulder would suffice. Her heart freaked out. Yet, she was sure there were several beats indicating that once again she was telling the truth. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together, waiting for the verdict.
Maybe he tilted his head as he was considering his upcoming actions. Was he going to leave? Was he going to pretend it didn't happen and change the subject? Were I like you too or you're important to me the next words he would say? Was he going to stay silent for eternity, waiting for her to take it back?
What came, she didn't expect. He took her other hand and laid it on his chest, right over his heart. She could feel its fast, but steady pace.
"I love you too," he whispered and his voice sounded like a prayer.
There was no jump. No fastening.
Her ribcage felt suddenly too small. Vera gasped and glared at him. Matt was smiling softly and his sightless gaze was directed right into her eyes. Watering eyes of course, because she couldn't seem to stop crying these days.
They were sitting there for minutes, his heartbeat slowing down under her palm.
Vera carefully made her way closer to his side, hand still in his, letting them fall to his lap. "Is... is leaning my head on your shoulder okay? Will it hurt you?"
"Yeah, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. And I already pulled out most of the stiches."
Vera winced at the unpleasant idea of the action, but rested her temple on him. The guilt for not just ignoring his calls, but also not asking him about his condition, stung her sharply. "Sorry. I... I should have called you and ask how you're doing, but... I couldn't. Not after..."
Matt placed a light kiss to her hair. "I get it. All of it." He reached for her chin, raising it to his. He still wore a wonderful smile. She had seen it before - she decided she would call it I-love-you smile from now. It was a mixture of happiness, awe and tenderness. "May I?"
Matt and his 'may I'. She couldn't help smiling too. "I would appreciate it."
Vera saw the corners of his lips rise higher before they attached to hers tenderly and didn't leave them for a very long time.
-----Notes:
Yeah, I know, you suffer because I am being sentimental and miss contemporary dancing for years now. So for your education: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contemporary_dance
Some performance (not me, but I came across it while discovering Florence and the Machine songs and c.dance videos): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AulSp_4aRYY
And the song currently moving me to tears, version from Peter Hollens, absolutely, absolutely brilliant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojt0eiFX1K4
Title originally from Florence and The Machine – No light, no light