Dean sat in the impala with some music playing as he waited for Sam and Emily to come down from the hotel room. They had to pack up some finishing things and they told Cas and Dean they could wait in the car. Cas knew that Sam was shotgun so he made himself comfortable in the middle seat of the back. Dean caught his eyes in the rearview mirror.
“You know you can sit on the end? That is usually where adults prefer to sit.” Dean cleared his throat and rested his hands on his faithful steering wheel. This car was home to him.
“Does it bother you?” Cas asked with sincere worry of Dean being angry with him.
“No, I was just asking.” Dean looked back in the rear view mirror to see Cas looking down at him lap.
“Then I would like to stay sitting here. It is more comfortable.” Cas’ voice dimmed until he let out a soft yawn.
“Do angels usually sleep? I have never seen you this tired.” Dean noted suspiciously as he kept a vigilant eye on Cas.
“We can rest, recharge our vessels for a bit, but no we never needed sleep to survive. And last night I dreamt for the first time. Only it wasn’t what I have heard and read about, it was terrifying and I don’t want to sleep again.” Cas’ voice wavered toward the end.
“What was your nightmare about?” Dean was suddenly concerned for Cas. He was learning to be human nad finding all the things that is miserable about life. Nightmares were unsettling to even the most happy person in the world and Cas didn’t need that anxiety over his head right now.
“I just remember falling. But I couldn’t fly, and I couldn’t see the ground. I just knew that when I landed I would be dead… and then I also remember you and Emily standing in front of me while you were holding hands. And this black thing just appeared in the background but I couldn’t seem to speak and when I tried to run at you I was stuck. The thing jusdt ripped down on you two and you both disappeared. I never want to think about it again. It was so real…” Cas sat up suddenly and looked around the car. “Where are Sam and Emily?”
Dean looked out the front window at the hotel and sighed. “I don’t know. They should be here soon.”
“The black thing… it wasn’t a demon. I don’t know what it was.” Cas was still unsettled.
“Did it have large beady red eyes?” Dean asked in a sarcastic voice when he remembered the creature Emily had destroyed.
“No… it was just like a shadow.” Cas sat his head back and breathed in deeply. “Do you think I made a mistake becoming human?”
“Of course not-“
“I mean really. I know that you are happy that I am not one of them and that I am with you guys, but I am useless now. I have these stupid nightmares and I feel scared of my own body. I still don’t understand so much of it. I am going to learn to live as we take on demons and Lucifer followed by my old family. I don’t know if I am going to be that good of an asset.” He ran his hand over his trench coat and savored the feel on his fingertips. The little sensations that humans take for granted were still so amazing to him, now that it was fully his body to do with what he wanted.
“You are a part of this family, for better or worse. We will watch out for you if it comes to that. You are an asset, where would I be without you? The deepest pits of Hell. And no matter if you have powers, you can still lend a hand and step up to stand by us. Damn straight I am happy you are human. I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Dean felt a small knot in his throat. Cas had always meant something to Dean, ever since the night Cas found him. He had given Dean another life and even gone againt his family for the Winchesters. That wasn’t anything he would forget.
The passenger side door opened and Sam popped his head in. He gave Dean a childish grin. “Keys?”
Dean tossed the keys to Sam who caught them easily and turned to walk to the back of the car. Dean turned just in time to see Emily walk past his door toward the back of the car as well. He watched in the rear view mirror as Sam and Emily laughed together before the trunk flung up and blocked his vision.
I tossed my bag into the truck as Sam reached down for his. I watched the hair fall in his eyes as his face reddened a little. He stood back up straight and tossed his bag in beside mine. He set his arm on the top of the truck hood but paused before shutting it. He turned to me and gave me a studying stare.
“Here we go again.” Sam muttered with an almost invisible grin.
I gave him the biggest smile I could muster. “No worries. I got your back. And if anything happens to me, protect Cas.”
He looked confused. “What do you mean if something happens to you protect Cas? Did you see something?”
I shook my head but looked in the direction of where Cas was sitting in the car. “No. But I don’t trust what the future brings. And I know that I am not the huge asset everyone is making me out to be. It is going to be you and Dean. I just need to make sure that Cas is safe. He is the vulnerable one, the one I am really worried about.”
“He is a human now-“
“It isn’t that. Even if he still had his powers…” I turned back and stared into Sam’s eyes seriously. “Bobby, Cas, and I are just obstacles for our opponents. They take us out, and you two are left wide open. That is why we have to get to Bobby. I don’t want to tell Dean this because I know that he will lock us up in the safe room, but we need to help. I trust that you understand that?”
Sam just nodded slowly. “His emotions can get in the way.”
“Exactly. Last thing I need is for him to run off and sell his soul. Just play it cool, but keep a watchful eye. I am not planning on losing anyone.” I let my hand fall from his arm and I walked around him to get into the impala.
“Me neither.” Sam muttered as I grabbed the handle. The pure dread in his voice wavered my confidence. He came around me and opened his own door. But he paused before getting in and I saw a flash of the yellow manifest in his eyes again. He looked like he was beating himself up as he looked down and ducked into the car. I realized that Dean wasn’t the only brother who has been made worthless all his life.
Dean sat in the driver’s seat and leaned his head back against the headrest as he watched Emily and Cas walk into the gas station to take a bathroom break. He tilted his head and looked over to see Sam picking at something on his coat. He watched Sam’s eyes dart between his coat and his fingers. He was trying to absorb himself in whatever mission he wished to accomplish. Dean cleared his throat and drummed his hands on the steering wheel softly.
“Think this thing has an item in the first house it killed at?” Dean asked trying to break the silence that rang in his head.
“Maybe.” Sam shrugged and drew his attention over to Dean. “I didn’t find anything in the past that matches these crimes. Maybe it was voodoo or something like that.”
“Not those black magic nuts again.” Dean groaned and let his head roll against the headrest.
Sammy watched his older brother and decided it was time to tell him, while they were alone. “The visions are back.”
Dean sat up straight and turned to Sam with a confused and almost angry stare. “What?” The last time Sam had visions he was a errand boy for the demon who killed their mother and it killed him as well.
“But they aren’t the same, I figured it was something to do with after effects.” Sam didn’t want his brother to think bad of him and his voice sounded almost shameful.
“It has been over a year since all that. Why now? Unless that yellow eyed bastard has risen too.” Dean was starting to get worked up and his voice rose alongside his temper.
“I don’t think so. I haven’t seen any people. It is just flashes of you or Cas. They aren’t even bad… it is weird. In one of them you were standing over an unmarked grave. In another Cas was standing on a beach with tears rolling down his face. It was so bizarre.” Sam let out a deep breath and felt like he was talking to a counselor at summer camp. He felt like this was a disease and it made him a freak.
Dean thought a moment. “Unmarked grave? Cas crying on a beach? What the hell does that mean? Why are visions so vague. They really confuse people more than help them.”
Sam shrugged again but this time his shoulders felt heavier. “I just wish that I knew if they both pointing in some direction.”
“You haven’t seen Emily? Or Bobby?” Dean asked suddenly wondering who that grave might belong too.
“No, but I don’t know if I might see them later… they just come to me in no specific time that I can tell yet.” Sam looked up to see Cas and Emily coming out of the gas station. “I just want this kept quiet, okay? No need to upset the troops any further.”
“Fine.” But Dean was unsettled by the lack of Emily and Bobby in the visions. It made his head itch and his stomach ache. There was something not right about this. But he figured there was always things that were not right. It was the hunter’s life for him.
Cas stood at the edge of the grounds where the first child took a knife to her parents. He felt Emily brush her arm against his as she anxiously shifted her weight. He watched the light from Dean and Sam’s flashlight disappear into the house. He agreed to stay out here with Emily, who refuses to go anywhere near a house with so much pain.
“I think it is still in there, and it is giving off this awful feeling to me.” She spoke softly into the night air. “I wish I could pray to God to keep those two safe, but I fear my prayers will go unanswered.”
Cas just stared forward into the darkness. He didn’t know what to say to that. He wanted to comfort her, but how could he comfort her genuinely when he was having so much trouble with his belief in God being there for them. He was starting to really feel his faith start to fade. If he was still an angel, the others would sense this in him and have him killed. It was just the way the family up there worked.
“I have watched many angels beg for life as their ‘brothers’ slaughtered them without hesitation.” Emily’s voice seemed smoother and more pronounced.
Cas turned his head to see her eyes glowing gold against the night behind her. They were stunning to him in this light, when they were contrasted to the black. He watched her silently as she watched the house like a guardian angel.
After Cas thought that, Emily smirked. “You are on to something, my friend. No angel could ever really guard a human until they see firsthand the true value in them. It is my human nature that makes me faithful and vigilant toward them.”
Cas turned back to the house and saw some lights pass by windows. He took a deep breath. “When I was an angel, I never questioned my duty to protect humans.”
“You were different. How many of our brothers and sisters turned against the very thing they swore to God they would protect? Angels are a nasty bunch of narrow minded creatures.” Her voice was filled with disgust. “I wish that I could forget it all, that is what I wanted. But even as a human, I am cursed to carry the weight of an angel.”
He turned and saw that she was looking at the night sky now. He looked up to toward the immense speckled picture above him. He imagined the world he had left sitting up there in utter turmoil. But for the first time, he didn’t feel guilty about his decision. He was safer and more able to help the Winchesters, the people he still held faith in.
“What a wonderful night.” She whispered under her breath. Her voice intoxicated him, it reminded him of his old friend. “You know, two months ago I was some ordinary person trying to survive and live off of what little I had. But now I feel so powerful and in charge. I have never felt this strong.”
Before Cas could say anything he heard her softly mumble something. He turned to inquire what that was when he noticed she had started to lean against him. He let her shoulder rest against his arm. Then her head tilted and fell on his shoulder. He looked straightforward and listened to his own heartbeat.
They didn’t say anything as they waited there for the boys to finish playtime. But they both knew that being close to one another gave them peace. Their silence was comfortable, more comfortable than lonely silence. To both of them, anything was better than being alone… and both knew exactly how that felt without having to think twice.