thirteen
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"The moment you start arguing with an ignorant fool, you have already lost." (Ali bin Abi Thalib)
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I didn't know what to believe anymore. I didn't know why they did what they did. I didn't know why they had it in their mind to even think about it in the first place. I truly believed in humanity. Because if I didn't believe in it then, who would? When it was definitely what I needed the most. If I didn't believe in humanity then, no one would believe in it. It gives me hope that at least if one person believe in it, then maybe just maybe that other people would follow too. That was what I expected. But, well, we all knew how many differences between expectation and reality. Expectation and reality never came hand in hand. They never got along well.
So, don't get your hope up, Nisa! Or you would fall terribly. And you don't want to see yourself fall, right Nisa? Well, I'm already falling the moment they had their palm covering my mouth.
Screw humanity. Screw them who said that they would help me. It was all a lie. No one helped me when I was literally begging myself with my eyes for them to help me when they were grabbing me like I was some kind of trash. Like they didn't know that I was human. Guess what, they were the ones who weren't humans if they letted it happened. Ignorant was a foolest beach.
Whatever. From now on, I won't let them get the satisfaction of seeing me whimper and struggle no matter how bad it was. No matter how hard it was for me to hold. Because you know what? I was done hoping that humanity would get better. Nope. Humanity was stagnant. They were stepping two steps forward but, three steps backward immediately as they saw some political issues was in the way. Either it was bureaucracy or contitutional law. Trust me!
You didn't get it, did you? If it was not for political issues. I wouldn't be here in the first place. All those grudge these people have against me, against Muslims generally, were awfully terrifying. All because false information that was done by so-called-Muslims in the past just because they were having turban around their head. But, had they saw them mentioned their syahadat*? Syahadat was the one that made someone Muslim. If they didn't see it themselves that those turban of so-called-Muslims mentioned their syahadat then, trust me, they weren't Muslims at all. Burka, gamis*, abaya*, turban, niqab*, kopiah* and scarf sometimes were only camouflage, cover up for something deeper than what it seems. For all those people who took advantage of Muslim's signature clothes.
I sighed big time as I shook my head tried to hush any negative thought I could think about. Because having negativity in this kind of situation was not going to mend what was done. I needed to make myself rational right now and think every chance possible for me to escape. I couldn't rely on to someone else but, me. Who else wanted to help me? The people I knew here didn't even know that I was kidnapped in the first place.
Again, Nisa? You just said it yourself that negativity was not helping your situation. But, looked at yourself! You had been so negative that you thought there was nobody out there who would help you. Oh, right! Sorry.
Take a deep breath, Nisa. Take a deep breath.
"Are you crazy? Why are you talking to yourself?" Finally, there was voice in the room. Note the sarcasm. It had been more than fifteen minutes that the room got in a deadly silent. I said to myself. I didn't realize that I said it out loud to be honest. I really need to stop thinking out loud. Or all my thought wouldn't be secrets anymore.
Whatever was already in the tip of my toung but, I swallowed it hard. Because I knew it wasn't wise answer at all. If I wanted to live then, I should pretend like I was obeying all what they told me to. When in reality, all I wanted right now was getting out of here as fast as I could. I didn't know where I should ask for help once I was free. But, lemme have a thought about it later.
And I would be free. I would. Amiin. Please Allah help me! I needed Your strenght right now.
Was it maybe my embassy that could help me? Or was it my university? Okay, I really needed to think about this later. Not now, Nisa. Not now. Now I needed to be more wary of what would happened. It was my life they were risking. Not them. Little did I knew that it was the other way around.
And I certainly won't die without a fight, without making my mom happy first.
But, what I didn't believe at all was the voice I recognized. I couldn't believe myself that my encounter with him would bring him to make this kind of horrible event of my life just to spit it out of me. I knew he hated me so much even from the first time I met him.
But, I just, how did I said it? Why me? Why he hated me so much? Just why? Was it wrong for me to stand for myself? Was it wrong for me to reply back? Was it wrong for me to choose to be a Muslim? Was it wrong for me to wear a scarf around my head? Was it wrong for me to wear a long dress that cover my whole body? Was it wrong for me to believe in God? Was it wrong for me want to please my God? Was it wrong for me to want to study here? Was it wrong for me that I believe in Islam? Was it wrong for me to be from the east? Was it wrong for me that-that— I gulped my saliva down my throat as I couldn't help but, to cry after. Was it really my wrong that I chose to be a Muslim girl? Was it all my fault to begin with? Was it?
I tried my hardest not to cry as I recalled all the wrong I did, all the insecurities they made me feel. But, I have reached my limit. I couldn't hold it anymore. My reflected-agonized-silent-tears were streaming down my face through the blind-fold they forced on me. I honestly didn't care if they knew I was crying. I didn't care if he knew that he succed to hurt me emotionally. I didn't care. I just couldn't hold it anymore.
O Allah, please let me go home. I need my mom. I want her right now. Please Allah. I can't be stronger than this. I can't. Only my mom who can ease all my sadness. She is the only one who can make everything alright again. She—.
Suddenly, out of nowhere I felt one marked stamp of palm on my right cheek that caught me off guard. Unconsciously my face was turning to the left. The palm stamp left me bleed on its own on the corner of my mouth. Even though, I couldn't see anything. But, I knew it was him who slapped me hard. I had never met someone who has so much hatred in their eyes other than him.
"He asked you, bitch. I have my reason to not cover up your mouth. Now answer him!" he demanded. If I could, I would want to wiped my tears away. But, I couldn't. The tears keep running down my cheeks. I needed to stop crying.
I took a really deep breath and closed my eyes for a second before I answered, "Sorry." When in reality all I did was clenching my fist on my back and trying my best to keep it together. I didn't know exactly how many people who kidnapped me. But, I guessed maybe it was four. I remember that there was two people who guarded me, the driver and him. Could I really fight them off? I didn't think so.
So, please God. Help me!
"Haha. That's right. Say it again," he asked.
Oh damn! Don't tell me that I say it out loud again.
"Help me!", I begged.
"Are you, stupid bitch? Who wants to help you here? No one bitch. No one. Now say it again. I like to see you feel defeated and say that you are sorry again. Hahahaha..." I tried to recall what exactly he was talking about. But, then suddenly the memory snapped itself at me. And I remember what exactly he was talking about.
I gritted my teeth tightly and conceded, "Sorry."
"What a loser you are. I was right that you are a loser. Once a loser, will always be loser. Hahahahahaha," he laughed as loud as he could then he continued, "Soon bitch. Soon. You will know what it feels like to be raped. Like your kind did to me a long time ago."
What? Oh my God! No! Please no!
+ + +
Somewhere inside Columbia's hall, in the gold evening close to to the dark night, there was a guy inside student council's room who couldn't help but, walked back and forth while thinking to himself about something that really bothered him.
'Shit! I shouldn't have let him go. I should have follow him. Shit! Shit! Shit! Please God, if You really were up there somewhere, don't let something bad happened to her. I might dislike her kind. But, what he was planning was crossing the line. It could traumatize her,' he talked to himself. Who else he wanted to talk to when there was no one other than him there.
Shit!
It was all his fault. He shouldn't have joke about getting revenge on her to the guy who already has bad history with her kind. And got the guy some idea to get back at her when he knew for sure it was not her fault. The fault she only has in herself was she wore a scarf and proudly told the world that she was Muslim through her scarf.
He didn't really care about her religion but, shouldn't she knew by now that American didn't like with the strict and borgoty's Muslim. He knew some of Muslim girls that they amitted they were Muslims. But, he didn't see them wore any scarf of abaya or long dress like the east girl did. If she could save herself from being harassed by not wearing it. Then why was she not not wearing it? It could have saved her life and the bullying she has from people.
'And whose fault it was that she became a center of attention the first time she stepped her foot on Columbia?' he asked himself that question. Right it was his fault. He thought to himself.
Shit!
He couldn't be just standing there toing himself like a fool. It was all his fault. He should be the one who saved her. Because he knew the guy. The guy's hatred to Muslim in general was beyond believe. Something happened to the guy in the past by a group of Muslims. The guy once told him about it because it was the only thing that made the two of them have something in common. But, he couldn't just let it happened. He was a fucking student council's president. He should be the one who protect all his fellow there.
'I don't care what will happen when I save her. But, I know it is the right thing to do. I can't let one belief turn my back on humanity. I can't. Even if it means that I will for sure betray the guy,' he declared more to himself and took a leave before heading out to the place where the guy told him yesterday after the guy told him the plan.
East girl, please hang on there! I'm coming for you! Because well, I'm not done with you yet, east girl!
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* Syahadat is a vow from someone who wants, will and is Muslim.
*Gamis is Indonesian national long dress for Muslim.
*Abaya is a full-length, sleeveless outer garment worn by some Muslim women.
*Kopiah is rimless cap, headdress worn by Muslim men and also by Indonesian men in general as a symbol of national identity.
*Niqab is a veil worn by some Muslim women in public, covering all of the face apart from the eyes.
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