i know it'll break apart yet
why do i keep holding unto you?
It's still the same as Makoto thought.
His eyebrow twitched, looking at his phone full of sent messages, yet empty of responses from him. He sighed as he laid back, bouncing off the bed in a childish manner as he rememebered; he decided to take a rest and stop meeting Haruka for a while. His eyes stared the ceiling of his old room, and it reminded him of his old self: the old Makoto Tachibana whose smiles reach his ears. He rolled around his bed, but he turned his head as the door opened. A straight frown was on Ren's face while Ran had a nervous look.
'Aniki, let's talk.'
'Tell us what's your work in Tokyo.'
'...' Makoto's lips seamed as he stared into Ren's eyes, noticing the glint of anger in it. The boy clicked his tongue as he slammed his hand on the wall. He could feel him grind his teeth in annoyance, but he chose to find ways to dodge the question, because he knew it will hurt them. Especially their parents. 'Why can't you?!'
'I don't want you to know because if you do, you will hate me.' He replied, almost crushing his left hand as he clenched it. Ren on the other hand, stood there without a word coming out from her mouth.
'Why would we hate you, aniki? We need to know, because ever since you've came, we felt like something's wrong. We are worried for you, aniki.'
'You don't have to worry, okay? I'm fine when I was—'
'But nii-san, your face doesn't look fine when you're talking.' blurted out Ran.
Silence crept up between them, while Makoto's eyes dare not to break down while meeting the gaze of the worried twins. He knew this moment will come, but it somehow gave him anxiety because he has to share about his dignity he lost when he was there.
In Tokyo, no one knew what happened to the innocent boy the moment he stepped foot.
'I...am an escort.'
'An escort...?' Ren's eyes shivered in a confused manner. Makoto's face went dyll, but with such low words he continued, 'On the first few months in Tokyo, I had a stable life, but when the apartment I've stayed burned, I was homeless...'
'I didn't want Mom and Dad worry about me, so I stayed with a classmate, and since I want to pay back everything, I decided to find a job as a waiter on a bar.'
'But there were times a costumer would hit on me. There were some who were desperate and drugged me.'
'That was the most terrible thing that happened in my life.' He continued, with tears falling from his eyes. 'I was raped unconcious.'
'I've gotten used to it; getting hit on, sex, money. I became a whore.'
No matter how'd Makoto would explain everything, the tears in Ren's eyes dripped continously.
Ren didn't bother to ask his nii-san what he do for work just for nothing. He just wanted to ask, why, or what did happen to turn his aniki, who was once a boy everyone loved, to someone who is now a cold, rigid monster.
It's just silent as he preferred.
The night sky reflected its black and blue shades down the sea where the sand chose to lie. The wind gave a chilly touch as he sat down with hair dancing along with it. His crystalline blue eyes matched the serene scenery.
His mouth closed, chapped and faded as he tried to wet it, but it was no use. Such bitterness came into his life and suddenly he's speechless.
The sand is rough but at the same time it felt soft. The thoughts stuck on his head became blurry, and he's floating.
He's a fool. He's naïve. He's an idiot. His eyes lazed down the water, where the light illuminated by the moon made them shine like stars in the skies.
Finally, a pitchless sigh came out from him. It's going nowhere but he felt like he has a place for water.
For the many dramatic experiences happening on his life, he forgotten how he feels near water.
He feels happy floating freely alone on the clear liquid, and such euphoric feeling made him unique from everything. Water... it became his escape from everything.
But right now he felt like he cannot touch it. He felt... he felt... impure.
'Haruka.'
It's deep. It's calm. It soothed him. Haru took a gaze at the sea longer before moving his head up.
It's dark, but it's enough to see everything. The light from the moon highlighted his face, and it made Haruka smile, but at the same time in disbelief. 'Mako-san?'
'Ah, you knew it's me?' His laughing tone made him hesitant for a while before moving farther from him. He felt Mako sitting behind him as he heard the sand moving. The distance of their hands are in a decent one, but Haru sees it as special.
'How did you find me here?' blurted out Haru as he felt like there's something wrong behind the man's silence.
'No.' He replied. 'I did not search you. I just happen to find you here, that's all.'
'Ah really?' He felt relieved as he stood back. Silence soon draped the both of them as they continued staring at the sea. It had no words involved, but to Haru, it's meaningful.
Just two people looking at the sea. Gazing silently, but indently. Slowly, Haru could feel himself letting his hand close to Mako's, but the latter has his twitching, making him furrow in confusion. 'Is there something wrong, Mako-san?'
A long pause came from him, but he soon replied. 'I wanted to deny that there is, but I hate to lie, so yeah.'
'It isn't really a big deal...'
'No, I think it is. You look like you need someone to talk to.'
'You think so?' He chimed in disbelief. In the darkness Haru nodded, and he could see the simple seaming of Makoto's lips. Silence followed, and he thinks there is a nonsensical distance between them. He tried. 'I like dolphins. A lot.'
'Is that the reason why you're swimming?' He gladly shook, probably blissful on having the small change of their topic. 'No. It's just that it's what people see me.'
'I swim free.' Mako could see his eyes glisten despite the darkness. 'I feel happy everytime I'm in water and people would ask me if I am in love with swimming or water, and I'd then ask myself, did I love the water that way?'
'So you're compared to a dolphin by people because you loved the water?' Haru could swear he heard Mako's tone in sarcastic disbelief. He defended as he added. 'No. That's not it. It's that I had that friend of mine.'
'He's the one who first told me that I was like a dolphin. He saw dolphins swimming freely either underneath or on the surface and he suddenly thought about me when he saw them.'
'I then continued thinking that maybe that guy is right. He's able to see things right on me as if I'm transparent. He became my other half, but now he's gone and I feel incomplete.' The bitterness came in Haru's voice, making the end of his sentence fade in the wind. It took another pause before Makoto talked. 'If I were an animal, I'd be a mako shark.'
Haru chuckled. 'Why, because your name is Mako?'
'No, because it's a shark.' Haru gave him a bored look, which made Makoto laugh as he added, 'I feel like sharks at
re often seen as dangerous creatures, but deep inside, they were innocent. I feel like I'm one of those.'
But then he grew silent. 'I take it back.'
'Why?' He asked, confused. But when he saw tears shining and trickling down his face, he got struck in awe, not in amazement, but in some unknown pang in his heart that caused a dent in him.
He can hear Mako sniff before continuing, 'I was an orca. They call me an orca. A killer whale. Such harmless face with such a ruthless heart. I might make people smile and feel happy but at the same time when I hurt people, I make them loathe me because I give scars that forever bleed.'
The ocean became silent. So are they. Haru reflected what Mako said; Why orca? he wanted to aske, seeing the long face beside him being conflicted on things he wanted to say.
'I had a friend who I see as an orca.'
'Really?' A bitter response came from him. 'Was he ruthless?'
'No, he wasn't.' Haru replied, playing with sand until his hands were buried deep within. 'He was sweet.'
'Why an orca, then? Can't he be a dolphin?' Mako concealed that thorn in his chest, seeing how eager Haru talks about him, as if he's oblivious to the person sitting beside him. It sounded like they're backstabbing himself.
'He's an orca not because he was dangerous, but he felt like he need to please people because he's afraid he will hurt them.'
'Did he...hurt you?'
'No, he didn't.' Mako's heart skipped in disbelief. 'But I did.'
The both of them spoke no more, but Makoto's heart beat frantically. Why, why, why did he think he hurt me? He repeated the same question over again. Not talking anymore, he stood up. But Haru grabbed his hand.
'Tell me what you want.' Makoto said in a cold, yet pained tone.
'Please don't go.' He begged, making Makoto freeze and his lips quiver. 'I just want you... to stay.'
Makoto's eyes flew open as he turned back to Haru, whose eyes were begging for mercy. He sat back, feeling defeated.
Everything beca.e silent, and the moment Haruka knew about him, he realized, that even if he doubted himself, Mako-san with his bleached hair is Makoto Tachibana he used to love.
It's the same after all.
They became nothing but friends with benefits.
Every now and then, Haru would be with Makoto teaching with the kids, and later on go to the bar and lastly, l fuck. Makoto is already satisfied with it, as long as he held Haru.
He knew it'll make him happier if he held Haru forever.
But he never knew his heart is getting broken by his foolishness.
All those endless kisses, all those tingling touches, those beautiful moans that are music to his ears, those are all meaningless to the both of them.
However, Makoto's fucking selfish. He is a motherfucking egoist.
But somehow he held himself back for Haru so that he'll never show himself again to hurt him like he used to. If only he can whisper his endless confessions of love as he tenderly and gently held him, he would've. Alas, he betrayed himself.
He's a shitty person. He knew he'a only with Haru for the sake of saying farewell to him, yet why is he still holding to him?
Was there something to hold to?
Was there something left to lose?
Was there an open wound needed to open?
Was there even something between them he's expecting to be real?
Makoto knew about that. He knew the pain reality gave him ever since five years of his life became a joke. Even if it broke his heart, he's still clinging to it as if it held his life.
Rising from the water, his forest green eyes fell on the person walking up. Droplets of water fell down from his bare skin; from his biceps, his pectorals and his abs, while what caught his attention is his clothed ass. He didn't even realised he came up to Haru and started kissing the nape of his neck while wrapping his arms around him.
'What are you doing?'
'Let's go later.'
He could feel Haru trembling by his touch as he stopped kissing, but instead he buried his head on his back.
'Please, sensei. Let's stay like this for a little longer.'
Makoto knew staying with Haru will only end up breaking his heart all over again, yet he still holds unto him like he used to do.