“Look into my eyes It's where my demons hide It's where my demons hide“
I couldn't handle this look. I stormed out of the room, out of the hospital. Away from him, as far as possible.
I could have dealt with everything but not with that. I could have dealt if he as forgotten everything. I could have dealt with it if he had lost his voice. But not with hate. Alex was the most important person in my life. He was the guy I loved more than everything else, more than myself.
I was so full of flaws. I'm too tall, too thin. My eyes are too big and my nose was crooked. I don't think I'm the beauty in person but who does? And the only reason I stayed strong was Alex. He told me everyday I was beautiful, unique and special. He showed me everyday that he needed me. That my parents and all the fans who hated on me were wrong. That I was worth living.
And there was him. Beautiful brown hair and beautiful brown eyes that sparkled like the stars. A heart of gold. Perfect skin, perfect face, the perfect amount of muscles and of the the perfect height. A little bit smaller than me but I liked that.
But we shared one thing. One thing I wish I wouldn't have and I hate to see on Alex. My eyes shone with sadness, anger and fear. Alex eyes were full of depression, fear, hate. Right, he hated himself. For being the most perfect guy on this fucking world. But what should I do? I can't do more than I already do.
Flashback
“Please.. Tell me what's wrong. I can hear it in your voice and your eyes are even sadder than usually.” I begged. I couldn't just watch him falling apart, I had to do something. I wasn't good enough for anything but I hoped I could just help Alex through whatever he was going through. He needed a friend and I wanted to be that friend he relied on.
“It's just.. you know.. my demons..” He mumbled. I looked sadly at him. His demons were strong. They always kept telling him he was worthless and a failure. But to me he was more than perfect and just the love of my life. Yes, I, Jack Bassam Barakat, am totally fallen for him, Alexander William Gaskarth.
I just loved every little bit of him. How he laughed, how he made jokes, how he was so concentrated over new lyrics. How his face lighted up when he got a present or chocolate. But I also fell for the way he looks when he has had a hard time. When he had a night without sleep, he drank so much coffee and then was all jittery the whole day. He was such a strong person without even knowing it himself. He thought he was weak but to me he was the strongest person ever.
But his panic attacks are just sad. Suddenly he breaks down and cries. Not one word can help him to get it better and I hate it. I feel so helpless when he has one of his fucking anxiety attacks. I know, the whole thing with his brother's suicide isn't funny and I wouldn't ever say so but he should move an, his brother would want that, too.
“I'm there for you, Lex. Always. I'm your best friend. I know we don't know each other that long but I feel like I know you like forever. And I hate seeing you that broken. You're perfect and don't let anyone convince you that you aren't, not even yourself. And you know what? I will help you kicking the ass of your demons because they are wrong. You're not worthless. You're not pathetic. You're not a coward.
“You are funny and man, I hadn't have so much fun with anyone till I got to know you. And know what? I didn't like you that much at the beginning because I thought you want to tear Rian, Zack and me apart. I had only them and I was scared to lose them. I had had a hard time, too, you know. It's better now because I have not only two, I have three awesome friends. Friends that will help me through everything I will go through.”
He smiled a little bit. He opened his mouth to answer me but I shook my head. I hadn't finished. “And we will help you. We know about your brother and yes, it's sad. But you have to move on. Moving on doesn't always mean forgetting, it just means to deal with it and then live on. I hadn't got to know him but I think he was awesome and would want you to be happy and don't go through all this shit. No one should go through anything like that. You can beat your demons. You are strong enough to do so. And if you need help, ask your friends. Ask Rian. Ask Zack. Ask me. Because we would love to help you but we can't if you don't tell us what is wrong. I love you and I don't want to lose my best friend, just because he thinks he isn't able to deal with his demons.”
He fell into my arms and hugged me really tight. It felt so good but I couldn't show how much I liked it. I said I loved him. But he thinks as best friend. That's what I'll always be. His best friend.
Flashback end
Everyone has his demons. Mine are strong, too. I had Alex to help me dealing with them but now he wouldn't want to help me any more. He hates me, right? I hadn't seen so much hatred ever. Normally he would look at me with.. Yeah, I don't know. Hope? Yeah, he was hoping that I could help him to get better. But now I won't ever see this hope again.
Suddenly my phone began to ring. I looked at it and sighed. Rian. He wants to know if I'm okay for sure. He knew I cuts all over my arms and hips. But I stopped for Alex. It's kinda funny. I stopped an addiction for my best friend because I didn't wanted him to worry about me. But he had continued and I was worried so much.
“I'm fine, Rian. No new cuts, no harm done. You don't have to worry about me, I guess. It's just my best friend looking at me with so much hate I think we aren't best friends any more.” I finally answered the phone. I heard a sigh. Gosh, I annoyed him. Why did they still stick around with me? I am such a burden.
“Jack, stop. He doesn't hate you. He would never hate you. You are too important to him, to everyone of us. He's confused because you left, Zack and me too. Please come back. And I know you suffer at this moment but you have to do what you always tell Alex. Open yourself up to us and don't bottle everything up. I know you love him but at this moment he needs you as his best friend. Just forget your feelings for him once and be his best friend you used to be.”
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New chapter!
I don't know, I don't like the Jack P.O.V thing so much, so I'll make just a few chapters and then start with Alex's P.O.V
And I kinda know what Jack is going through.. Have the same shit to deal with at the moment so I don't know if I update soon.
Happy easter to everyone reading it and enjoy the time with your family :)
Song: Demons by Imagine Dragons