// detour (n.) //
A long or roundabout route that is taken to avoid something or to visit somewhere along the way.
~~~
Chapter 1
My Life Is A Mess
//hyunjoo's pov//
Okay. I admire people who cross the pedestrian lines even when the red light is on. Hell. I sometimes even panic crossing the road during the green light when I don't have people crossing it with meㅡwait, how am I thinking about this thing when I'm almost ten minutes late to my interview?
To be clear, I arrived in Seoul thirty minutes early before my college application interview but as I was going on my way, I spotted a very interesting bookstore. It has a very antique vibe on it. Dark woods. Books with tan pages. Really tall bookshelves andㅡthere were ladders! Most of all, interesting books I've been dying to read. I spent the whole time browsing and reading and adoring books that I didn't notice I was running late. I came out of the shop empty-handed. Bummer.
Running, I crossed the pedestrian lines. My earphones get tangled as I do, so I walked through the sidewalk, trying to fix it frustratedly because only the other piece worked if it's in knotsㅡwhen I heard a loud beep. A car's beep. Heh. Normal. And then it beeped again. Ha. It's right beside me. My eyes widened and I quickly ran to the other side of the road. I didn't realize there's another traffic light and it's on red. How many are there in Seoul? I never got this problem in my town. There were never that many vehicles around.
When I finally reached the building, my knees trembled and my heart hammered against my ribcage. I stepped foot inside the building and I saw studentsㅡmany of them. It's been so long since I've been in a very crowded place. Somehow, I managed to ask someone where I should be and he helped me by leading the way there.
"That's Ms. Kim Eun Hee's office. Are you here for an interview?" he asked nicely. The guy looked so familiar. I took my time to pinpoint where I've seen him. When he smiled, I looked away.
"O-oh, yes. Uh, thanks."
"It's Sungwoon, by the way. And I hope you wing that interview."
I looked at him in astonishment and disbelief. "OhㅡIㅡ" He's Sungwoon. My freshman high school crush. Doesn't he remember me? Why would he remember me when I barely remembered him? He was a senior to me and I wasn't really the popular type...
His eyebrows slowly come together. "Haven't I seen you before?" he asked.
"Highㅡhigh school, I think."
There was a knot on his forehead as he tried to remember, and then it was exchanged by a wider smile. If anything, he really looked better than I remember and he seems more... confident. "Oh yeah! Sorin's friend, right?"
I felt myself blush. Is that how people knew me back then? Sorin's friend? I nodded with a tight smile.
"Well, I really hope you get in." he said and my feet itched to proceed to the office but then he asked, "Sorry, what's your name again?"
"Hyunjoo." I replied quickly.
He grinned. "Okay, Hyunjoo. Hope to see you around again." He waved me good bye then disappeared in the crowd of students.
I was barely recollecting myself when the office's door opened, revealing a person around my age who was looking so down. I took a deep breath as I entered the office, greeting meekly. Ms. Kim Eun Hee looked surprisingly young. I expected someone way older. She asked me to sit on the chair across her desk without throwing me even the shortest glance. She kept on flipping papers. I kept on hearing the crisp of the pages so loud in my ears along with the beat of my heart.
I started to introduce myself and then she started asking me questions. I stuttered and talked too much or less.
"Why do you want to study psychology?" she finally asked.
First, it's because I know I would learn other people's stories and I want to use them as inspiration to get words written on a blank page. But I know that letting the university know that psychology isn't going to be my first priority in college life wouldn't get me an acceptance letterㅡbesides, I really want to get in here. It is one of the most respected universities in Seoul when it comes to medical and business field.
My palms got clammy and I tried to steady my knees and my hands. "To save people from becoming like me." I said this in a whisper that Ms. Kim Eun Hee raised her eyebrow at me. "Pardon? Can you please speak louder?"
I swallowed and spoke just loud enough for her to hear. "I... I am very... curious about human behaviour. It... amazes me how psychologists can analyze and explain why people do the things they do. And I want to have a job somedayㅡthat helps people recover and become their better selves." As I said these words, they almost felt true. I looked at Ms. Kim but her expression hasn't changed. She threw more questions at me until she dismissed me without a single glance.
I walked out of the office knowing I screwed up. My chest felt heavy and my eyes were warm. I hurried out of the building because the amount of students were too much for me. I know I need to get used to them eventuallyㅡbut for now, I need to get away.
♤
Is there a way out?
I asked myself inside my head for what could be the hundredth time.
Is there a way out?
I asked myself as I stared at the dull, white ceiling of my room. I can feel the day starting to be less hot as the sun shrinks outside. It's summer and I've been home for one year and two months, except that one day I sneaked out of the house to try that interview. My family had no idea. Now, my hair is greasy and I've been wearing the same old baggy shirt for three days.
I want to go out. I want to do something I've never done before. I love my family but I feel the desire of wanting to leave this house for a while and find out who I am when I'm not with them. All my life, I have turned my family into my best friendsㅡand my friends into strangers. I just keep on getting worse. I just keep on wanting to shut everyone out. I know people would say this is a common problem for teenagers, but I'm not a teen anymore.
I'm twenty years old.
And I've been trying to avoid life because I have no idea what I want to do, what I want to be, or who I want to be. I don't know what I can do other than things I've been doing. When I graduated from high school last year, I decided to skip a year before college. I will be a year behind my batch in high school, of courseㅡbut I thought I would find myself in a year.
But I don't. I didn't.
I'm still here. I still don't know what to do.
I got up from bed and sat on my pink swivel chair in front of my laptop. I turned it on. I opened Wattpad and I clicked Notifications, then I watched it load new comments, votes and messages from my readers. I stared at them numbly. I always loved reading what they say, but at that moment when everything was quiet in the houseㅡmy mom and my older siblings at workㅡI started to feel the loneliness again. It creates this hollowness that makes my heart ache, makes my eyes warm up and makes me want to break something.
When I felt like suffocating, I got up and headed to the balcony of my room where the view of the country side is fresh and green. I wanted to get away.
But I'm scared. I don't have enough courage to be alone out in the world outside my house.
I took a deep breath and then I went back inside my room when I heard my phone beeps. A text message from my mom.
MOM
Hyunjooya can you buy some sugar and milk before I get home? im planning to make some brownies. i just remembered we're almost running out of sugar. and we dont have any milk left.
I replied with a simple thumb-up emoticon on Facebook Messenger, then I looked at the time and realize that fifteen minutes from now, mom would get home so I washed my face in the bathroom and brush my greasy hair, reminding myself to take a shower later at night.
I haven't come out of my house all summer but when I walked towards the grocery store, I came across a girl from my class in high school whom I haven't seen in a year. She's wearing a dark blue floral dress that fit her body and her hair and makeup are so on point that I started feeling self-conscious because I was wearing a plain white t-shirt, a pair of loose shorts and my hair is greasy and my lips are a little pale because I didn't put any bits of makeup before leaving the house. Ugh, I'm disgusting. I didn't think I would come across someone I know.
Our eyes met. She smiled at me. I smiled back hesitantly.
"Hyunjoo! How are you?" she asked me in a very friendly manner. I wish she didn't remember my name.
"Doing just fine," I lied. "How are you?" I asked.
She smiled again. Her name is Minji and she was the prettiest in our class back then, also one of the students who was actually nice and friendly to me. I am straight female but I adored her. But now I just want to shut this conversation off and proceed to the market.
"Oh, you know, dreading the weeks left before sophomore year starts in college! By the way, which college did you attend to? I haven't heard from you since graduation." she said this really innocently. That's when I know she really is clueless about me.
I tried to think of a name of a university but I could come up with nothing at the moment so I forced a smile, ready to tell her the truth. "Iㅡ"
"Minji!" a guy's voice called behind us. Minji turned her eyes past me and I turned my eyes to my savior: none other than another popular kid in high school back then, Yang Hongseok.
That's my cue to go but for some reason I couldn't get the timing because Minji started her way to Hongseok and smiled at him with a wave. "Hongseok! It's been so long! How are you?"
They hugged.
"Still the same. How are you? I didn't know you're in town."
"Just for a short summer break. We should hang out some time. It's been so long!"
That's when the awkwardness stepped in, at least to me. I don't know whether to leave without a good bye or stay silent while I wait for them to finish catching up.
Luckily, Minji remembered my existence. "I was just talking to Hyunjoo! This is so nice! We all should hang out before I come back to college!" she said excitedly.
Hongseok finally looked at me, and sees me. My feet itched. I want to run away from them. I want to teleport from here to the supermarket. He's looking at me that way. The way most people in high school used to look at meㅡlike I am the weirdest person on earth. I tried to smile but I felt my lips tremble slightly. "H-hi!"
Hongseok smiled but not the same smile he gave to Minji. I just don't know how to describe it. "Hey, Hyunjoo. Been a while."
"Yeah..."
Silence. Why aren't they speaking? I started to feel upset. I want to leave so badly. Why do they have to be awkward with me all the time?
"Um, so I better go. It's nice to see you again guys!" I said way too cheerfully as I spinned my slippers around.
"You, too, Hyunjoo!" Minji said. Hongseok said nothing.
I'm so upset because I'm starting to hate myself even more.
In the shop though, I got to distract myself by looking at the products on sale. I grabbed the sugar and a carton of milk, and then I grabbed chips and anything salty. When I turned to the bread section, I saw Hongseok again. He was looking at the bio products that I would never eat if my mom won't make me, and then he saw me.
He stopped, hesitated, then smiled a little. "Hi, again!' he said.
I forced a smile. "Hi."
I cannot help looking at his cart. It's filled with mostly food that do not need to be cooked. "I, uh..."
"Do you know a good, but healthy snack? I mean, chips or something like that." he asked. I'm surprised he did because I was about to say bye right after I said hi.
"Um," Isn't that why they were called junk foods? Because they are not healthy? "Try the rice snacks. I think they're whole wheat but they have different flavors." I replied, surprising myself for talking more. I could have just said no.
"Thanks! I'll check them out."
I nodded. "Alright, bye."
"See you."
I simply nodded again. Why would you say that to someone you'll never see again? Not after a long time? I'm sure Hongseok has college to attend too by the end of summer.
I tossed the plastic bag on the kitchen's counter when I got home. I grabbed the chips and poured them in a bowl, and then I settled in the couch and watched My Secret Romance.
When I finished the episode in an hour, my bowl is empty and I got the feeling of wanting to leave again. I want to be somewhere else other than this house. The people I knew from school are out there living their lives so why am I stuck here? How do I find what I really want to do?
It's like life is going on without me while I'm still existing in this world. It goes on and on and on, and I stumble on my steps, failing to catch up with the rest of the world.
I went back to my room and covered my face for a long time. I wiped my tears away and grabbed a pen and a paper. And then I began to write.
Dear mom,
###
A/N: Since I am back, my cliffhangers are also baaaack! XD Jk.
fact #1 | in the process of editing the story, half of this chapter was taken from the last few chapters of the story. haha. i thought it would be more relevant to put it here. but it flew from, like, page 98 to 2 😂😂
what do you guys think of the first chapter? im so nervous 😭😂