Usual disclaimer; I don't claim to owe anything, least of all the Harry Potter universe
And as always, a huge thanks to Camille for working so hard at beta-ing this chapter.
Oh and a warning about the chapter length. It's rather long. Sorry, but there was no easy way to break it up without either making no sense or just giving you a cliff-hanger, which I hate.
Anyway.... I really, really hope you enjoy this.
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Neville was just finishing off the last row of seedlings; his back was close to breaking, and the sweat was running into his eyes.
A pair of black boots came into his line of sight as he bent over the neat row of plants.
He looked up and saw Senga standing over him, her pose very much like her uncle's, with her arms folded and her face completely blank.
"Senga!" He smiled at her and sat back on his heels wiping his dirty hands on an even dirtier cloth.
"Mr. Longbottom." A tiny smile appeared on her lips as she gazed down at him. "You have a smudge of dirt across your top lip," she pointed out quietly, "looks like you have a moustache; it's not you at all!"
He grinned and wiped it away with the back of his hand and then looked back up at her.
"Better?" he asked her.
"Much, if you were trying for a full beard," she replied and crossed to sit on the bench that ran along the side of the greenhouse.
He shrugged and stood up, his hands going to the small of his back as he stretched the ache out of his muscles.
"What can I do for you?" he asked her as he came to sit beside her.
She looked at him and shrugged.
It was two days since Hannah had left. Two days where Senga had nothing to do except kick her heels and avoid the catty smirks of her Ravenclaw roommates. Two days to do some hard thinking without emotion to hinder the results.
"Bored of the holidays, already?" he laughed and sobered when he remembered that her friend Hannah had left.
"You must be missing Hannah," he said quietly and summoned two mugs of hot chocolate.
Senga shrugged again and took the mug with a quiet word of thanks.
They sat in silence drinking the chocolate and eating a packet of biscuits Neville had brought out with a grin.
"About that time at Christmas..." She broke off waiting for him to silence her, but he merely munched on another biscuit and nodded encouragingly at her to continue.
"I... wasn't. I mean I didn't..."
"I know," he sighed. "I meant it when I said I was sorry for attacking you like that." He contemplated another biscuit, easily won over his 'inner voice' and picked it up quickly.
"Yeah ... but that wasn't what I meant. I mean I didn't really believe you. Well I believed you but I.... well..." she faded off with a frown, not knowing how to say it to him.
"Go on," he urged her, offering her another biscuit. She took it and examined the chocolate chips that seemed to cling on with barely anything keeping them there. She flicked one with her finger and it flew off straight towards him. He caught it and popped it into his mouth with a grin. She couldn't help but smile back.
"I went shopping with Aunt Meg and we stopped for a drink... well, the long and short of it is I said something mean to her; she was just trying to help with Hannah leaving, and I told her she wasn't my mother. I didn't mean it and she believed me and said, 'we all say things we don't mean.'"
"Senga, what are you driving at? Usually I can follow you, but I'm a little lost here."
She looked at him and frowned darkly at him.
"I hated the thought that you just assumed I was trying to hurt you when I asked about your parents... because I was a Malfoy." She shook her head at the thought; she was no Malfoy.
"Senga, how many times must I tell you," he sighed, "it had nothing whatsoever to do with who you are, what you are..." He set his drink down and ran his hand through his already untidy hair, sending it all on end.
"I only found out the day before I was supposed to go to my grandmother's for Christmas. It didn't really sink in until after Christmas Day when I realised that I was still here and not where I usually am. You literally turned up just as it hit me. It was all I was thinking of. I can't say anything else to convince you..." He frowned at her and she was struck by the concern and honesty in his eyes.
"I'm sorry for freezing you out; I was mixed up and confused." It took a lot for her to admit that, and she saw admiration in his eyes. It gave her the courage to carry on.
She took a deep breath, everything bottled up inside her, her lips trembled as the words forced themselves past.
"I'm not a Malfoy," she said quickly and felt a rush of something flood her. She felt relief.
He looked at her and frowned.
"Pardon?" He blinked rapidly as he fought to understand where she was coming from.
"I'm not a Malfoy," she said quieter and her shoulders sagged. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone; but it's eating me up inside. It never really mattered before, it really didn't."
"Start at the beginning," he prompted and refilled their mugs with more hot chocolate.
"I didn't know I had an uncle until I saw his picture in a magazine somewhere. The resemblance between him and my mother was so strong that I knew he was related somehow. I couldn't ask mother, so I read the article, found out who he was, wrote to him, and well, he wrote back, told me who he was, and we started to write regularly. That's why I tried so hard to get out of Durmstrang and come here. He wrote and told me a couple of years ago now that Lucifer Malfoy is not my biological father," she breathed out and realised just how serious it was that she had told someone.
"But you must not tell anyone you know this." She frowned darkly at him.
"Of course not!" He blinked, shock registering in his eyes at her words. "So, if Malfoy isn't your father...."
"Someone called Tobias Holland. When Uncle Severus first told me his name, I wanted to find out who he was; but he's dead, so what does it matter now?" she shrugged her shoulders.
"Well, to you it would probably matter quite a lot who he was," he said frankly, and Senga sighed in relief. She was right to talk to him, he would understand.
"But, see the thing is..." she stopped, her fingers tracing around the top of the mug "Mother knows, according to uncle, but my father doesn't. But something has happened, and it means that he's going to find out pretty soon. The other thing is this Tobias Holland wasn't pure-blood."
"Oh." Neville stared blankly at the floor at he took digested her words. 'Oh' wasn't the best thing to come out of his mouth, but it was all that entered his slightly numb brain.
"So, not only will he find out that I'm not his, both of them will also find out I'm a half-blood."
"Is this going to be a problem?" he asked, knowing that he'd probably just asked a very stupid question.
"Of course it is!" she cried. "Being a Mudblood is no better, probably worse, than being a Muggle for them."
Neville winced at the word and sent her a dark look.
"First of all... Don't use that word. It's nothing better than a crutch for people who don't have the intelligence or courage to try and find out about someone they don't understand." He took a deep breath "And you are far too intelligent to hate something you don't understand."
She blinked at his outburst but acknowledged it with a nod and whispered, "Sorry."
"Well, don't let me hear you using it again!" He nodded sharply. "Secondly, well, there I'm at a loss as to how to help you."
"You can't," she said sadly. "I'm just...." She shook her head, feeling weak again as more tears threatened to fall.
"Just?" he prompted.
"I'm frightened," she admitted so softly that she wasn't sure she'd even said it, but he heard it all the same. He could almost feel it from her.
"What of?" He could guess but he figured she needed to say this aloud.
"How they will react. How they'll react to me. If they don't want me any more; hell knows they don't want me that much as it is. But he's gonna find out, she's gonna find out, and all hell will break loose, I know it!" Her voice rose slightly before she quickly reigned herself in and took several deep breaths to calm her voice and the rise of panic in her chest.
"Your Uncle will not let anything happen to you. That I can vouch for," he said quietly.
"I know..." she nodded.
"Do you?" he questioned her softly. "Do you really?"
She looked at him, confusion in her eyes.
"Then why don't you tell him this?" he asked quietly. "Tell him you're frightened. Tell him what you think is going to happen."
She shook her head and contemplated her boots sadly.
"It's not that easy," she whispered.
"Why not?"
"What am I going to say? He'll just think I'm being silly; which I suppose I am," she sighed as the edges of panic receded and reason set back in.
"No, not at all; there is nothing silly about being frightened, Senga. Everyone gets scared sometimes. I know I do and for not nearly as good reason as you do." He shook his head, not meaning that quite how it sounded.
"I would love to sit here and say you have nothing to worry about, but I can't do that. I have no idea what will happen when they find out. I now how I'd react, but I'm not your father, or your mother. Your uncle knows them; he knows how they'll react, and if there's anything I know about your uncle it's this: he will have worked out exactly how to handle the situation. He will not allow you to get hurt more than he can help." He ran his hand through his hair again. "I'm not doing well here... talk to him, Senga." Neville gave a shrug. "But believe me, being frightened isn't being silly. Only an idiot never gets scared, and you are far from being an idiot."
Senga blinked and set her mug down.
"Thank you," she whispered. "I never meant to off load so much onto you."
"Why not?" he asked clearly surprised. "That's what friends are for!"
She looked at him. She had two truly good friends. One of them no longer here, but already she had received an owl from Hannah, vowing that she would write once a week to Senga, and if Senga didn't write back she'd send her howlers instead. It had made Senga smile and realise that the end of her world hadn't arrived with Hannah's departure; although, it had certainly felt like it.
She smiled at him, a true smile that reached her eyes.
It had felt better saying it all out loud. She doubted very much that she would say anything to her uncle. What difference could he make? What could he say that would make it all better? He could tell her that he would never allow her parents to hurt her... but how could they not? If they turned around and said that they no longer wanted her, no longer had a place for her in their grand scheme of life, if the man she had called father for twelve years turned around and disowned her, how could her uncle stop that from hurting? How could he keep her family together if her father decided he couldn't trust his wife anymore?
Senga closed her eyes and once more felt the burden of fear settle over her heart. She had to close it all off, push it far back in her mind: if she didn't, it would drive her mad.
"Mr Longbottom?" Came a high pitched call from the doorway. "Mr. Longbottom. Professor Sprout...oh." Pandora came into view, and Senga was unable to hold back her groan.
Pandora looked from Neville to Senga and back again. A hard speculative gleam came into her eyes.
"Professor Sprout asked me to ask you if you could go to the Great Hall please, a delivery has arrived or something," Pandora smiled sweetly at Neville.
"Thank you. I'll be right there." He stood up and looked pointedly at Pandora, dismissing her with his look.
She smirked slightly and quickly left.
Senga groaned again and stood up running a hand over her face.
"Merlin forbid that she ever finds out I'm almost a Muu...." she faltered under his stern gaze.
"I always find the word 'Muggle-born' quite sufficient," he said sharply.
"You sounded just like Uncle Severus then," she sniggered at him.
His eyes rounded at her words.
"Merlin forbid!" he said in mock horror. "Look, Senga, I have to go and help with these Portlilows or Hogwarts may never be the same again. Talk to your uncle, and remember you can talk to me whenever you want. I can't promise I'll say anything intelligent, but I will listen."
Senga smiled genuinely at him.
"Thank you." She watched him walk off with a wave of his hand. "I've missed you," she whispered.
She realised then that she truly had missed him, she couldn't manage by herself. She could try and convince herself that she didn't need anyone, but she knew it would be a lie. She could try and shut herself off from everyone but eventually she would only die inside from loneliness. Life wasn't meant to be spent alone.
~
Pandora whispered quietly to her friends, and the entire group burst into wild laughter.
Senga looked up from her book and frowned at them. But they just looked innocently at her and went back to sniggering together. Senga slammed her book shut and got up.
"Oh Senga?" Pandora's falsely sweet voice stopped Senga from going out the door.
"What?" she spat.
"I just wondered when you'd be seeing Neville again, I mean, Mr Longbottom." The other girls sniggered, but she kept her face straight.
Senga frowned at her.
"Mr Longbottom? Why?"
"Well, you seem so attached to him," she breathed and pretended to fan herself.
Senga snorted in disgust.
"You've got a dirty little mind, Pandora, shame there's nothing else between your ears!"
"What?" Pandora twisted her face nastily at Senga. "I'm not the one who spends all of her time fawning over Mr Longbottom."
"Shut your face Pandora, before I shut it for you," Senga hissed darkly.
"Try it Malfoy, and I'll make sure you won't walk for a week." She got up slowly, her hand going for her wand.
"Be still my beating heart," drawled Senga in mock amusement. "You really frighten me Pandora. Although, yes, you do really frighten me; one day you may even pro-create and that thought is horrific! If anyone could stand to be that close to you, that is!"
Senga opened the door and, smirking at the outraged look on Pandora's face, she slid out the door and closed it behind her.
"See I told you!" Pandora said excitedly. "She never denied it did she? She has a crush on Mr Longbottom."
The other girls began murmuring as Pandora began to exaggerate what she'd seen in the greenhouse.
~
"Megan! Are you out of that bed yet?" Snape's dark voice drifted in from the living room.
"Yes," shouted Meg, still lying flat out on the bed, the covers tucked around her chin. She was comfortable and had no desire to leave the warmth of the bed for the chill of the early morning Quidditch pitches.
She heard movement coming from the living room and drew the covers right over her head.
"I'm in the bathroom," she called out, her voice muffled by the blankets.
"Really," came a dry smirk from above her. The covers were drawn back, and Snape smirked down at her, his hair falling forward to obscure most of his face.
"Gone are the days you could curl up and pretend to be the blankets in a heap," he smirked, his hand resting on the considerable mound that was now her belly.
"I know; but you can't blame a girl for trying can you?" She smiled at him. "Do I have to go out there?"
"It's not that cold, and it'll do you good to get some fresh air..." his eyes narrowed wickedly. "Poppy said..."
"Oh damn Poppy!" Meg snarled, "I love the woman! But you'd think she was the father the way she clucks over me!"
As the months had passed, Poppy had become more and more protective of her, even going so far as drawing up a complete menu that the house elves had been given strict instructions to follow. And they were not, under any circumstances allowed to let Meg in there and eat the wrong foods. Meg was convinced that with the amount of fruit and vegetables she was made to consume she was having a rabbit!
"Poppy has your best interests at heart," he chided her gently.
"I know," she sighed and held out her hands to him. "Hoist me up please, kind sir?" She grinned and he stood up to help her up.
She sat on the edge of the bed and had a strange feeling low in her stomach.
"Something wrong?" he asked, noticing the frown on her face.
"No." She shook her head when the feeling quickly passed. "Just hungry!"
"Well... if you'd got up when I first told you..." he drawled.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'd have the lovely prospect of a bowl of satisfying lettuce leaves for breakfast!"
He snorted and went back into the living room, his voice drifting in to her, "Your lettuce leaves will get cold if you don't hurry up!"
"Oh joy," she grumbled and shuffled into the bathroom, hearing his laughter.
She stood by the sink and contemplated her reflection carefully.
No grey hairs yet, a few laughter lines around her eyes... oh Merlin! A rush of water flooded down her legs, and she cried out in shock.
She heard Snape come rushing out of the living room as she looked down at the pool of clear water she was standing in.
"What is it?" he demanded and followed her gaze to the floor.
"Oh...." He was obviously at a loss, for once. "Well, don't worry, it'll clear up. The baby must have sat on your bladder awkwardly."
"It's not that Severus," Meg said carefully and a wave of fear mixed with excitement filled her.
"Pardon?"
"I think my water's broke," she muttered and reached across for a towel. She stood back and bent awkwardly to start mopping the floor.
"What on earth do you think you're doing?" he snapped angrily. "Get up! You shouldn't be bending. Just stay there.... No, don't stay there, come into the bedroom."
Meg looked up at him and witnessed something she thought she'd never see: Severus Snape almost flustered.
She laughed and let him lead her back into the bedroom.
"What's so funny?" he demanded as he sat her on the bed and crossed to the fireplace.
"You," she said calmly and rested her hand over her belly. "Why don't I feel any pain?"
"You want to feel pain?" he asked her incredulously as he grabbed a handful of powder, threw it in the fire and shouted Poppy's name.
"No, of course not! It just seems... well, I thought I'd be rolling in agony by now," She finished talking as Poppy stepped out of the fireplace, wiping the soot from her aprons.
"If you were rolling in agony at this stage, the human race would have died off by now my dear," Poppy informed her with a big beaming smile.
Poppy took charge and instructed Snape to help get Meg on the bed.
After a rather undignified exam, Poppy announced it would be a good few hours yet and to call her when things really moved along; she would be getting a bed ready in the infirmary.
Meg watched as Poppy disappeared via the fireplace and then she looked back at where Snape was sitting beside her, looking a bit shell-shocked.
"What?" she asked him softly
He blinked at her and shook his head.
"This isn't right!"
"What isn't?" she frowned.
"This is two weeks early! I hadn't arranged for..." he saw Meg's eyes widen in anger and he scowled darkly.
"I'll have to get Lupin to cover, and I'll work out my exam rota later."
"Exactly," she spat.
"I was just commenting that's all!" he said huffily.
"You were whinging," she corrected. "The baby's coming now and you'll just have to deal with it, Severus."
He raised one black eyebrow at her but choose to let it slide. She did have a point after all.
"What do you want to do?" he asked quietly. "I have a new potions paper we can go through together. It would pass the time..."
"Excellent!" Meg smiled at him. She didn't feel a thing and with no pain came no fear. It was as if it were just another day.
She felt rather cheated.
~
Meg walked around in a circle for the hundredth time, one hand on the small of her back, the other holding her forehead.
"No. No," she said shakily, "there is no way the effect would be that positive so close to the spelling stage!"
Snape was standing by the bed, his robes and jacket had been abandoned a few hours earlier and he now stood in just his shirt with his sleeves rolled up.
He couldn't care less if the potion imploded on contact with the cauldron. His black, watchful eyes held anxiety in them as he watched his wife, in obvious pain, try to keep her mind centred on the potion paper they had been reading. Poppy had moved them up to the infirmary when Meg's contractions became regular
A contraction hit her, and she bent double gasping in pain.
He was in front of her in an instant; her hands gripped his arms painfully as she fought against the pain rolling down her stomach.
"Okay, okay, okay," she repeated the word over and over like a mantra till the pain subsided and she was able to stand up and look into his black eyes.
"How far apart?" she asked breathlessly.
"About five minutes," he replied. Holding her shoulders tightly, he pulled her towards him and hugged her close.
"I think we should call Poppy," he said and for an instant she heard the panic in his voice. It sent shivers down her spine, made her fear increase ten fold.
She backed away from him.
"Don't you dare get wimpy on me," she snarled at him, and he blinked in surprise. "I need you Snape, don't you make me even more scared!"
He registered immediately what she was saying and nodded, his eyes hardened, and she saw only love in their black depths.
She sighed and sat back on the bed Poppy had prepared for her.
Snape sat on the chair beside her and took a deep silent breath.
In all his life he had never felt more inept, never felt more helpless than he did now.
"I can't believe that wizards with all their abilities and skills can only use bloody gas and air like Muggles," she wailed as she lifted the mask that was attached to the bottle of gas.
"The potions or spells could..." he wisely shut up when he saw her glare at him.
"I know what the potion and spells can do," she hissed. "I was merely saying how stupid it is!" Her fingers clenched the sheets and she clamped the mask over her face, dragging in the gas that helped to blur the rolls of pain that overcame her.
He had never felt so glad to see Poppy as she came round the curtain with the Midwifery witch in tow.
"Hello, Megan," came the calm and soft voice of Helena. "How are the contractions going?"
"Painfully," she admitted.
"It won't be much longer now, and you'll have a lovely baby girl to hold," she said reassuringly, and Meg smiled serenely up at the woman, in complete trust of the young woman who was going to help her. The gas and air was beginning to kick in, and Meg felt strangely light-headed.
Helena came up beside her with something that looked suspiciously like a syringe.
"What do you think you're doing with that?" demanded Snape.
"It's a pain reliever, and it will help speed the birth along. It needs to go directly into your blood stream and this way is the quickest," she answered, talking to Meg.
"I really..." Snape began doubtfully
Meg glared at him as she let Helena inject her arm.
"I really need you to shut up," she hissed, totally missing the medi-witch sending Snape a 'don't listen to her' look.
"And if you think you are ever getting your hands on me again, you can think again," she snarled at him.
"Would it help if Severus rubbed your back?" asked Poppy as she came in with a bowl of water.
Meg nodded violently, and Snape immediately slid his hand under her back and began to rub the small of her back.
She gave a moan of relief and tried to smile at him.
"I do love you..." she muttered.
He leaned over her and kissed her temple.
"I love you too."
"But I meant it when I said you are never touching me again."
~
Senga was sitting eating her lunch when a beaming Professor Flitwick came trotting up to her.
"Senga, my dear, would you follow me please?"
Senga stood up immediately, her eyes going to the two empty places at the staff table. She wondered....
Flitwick waited until they were outside the doors before turning to her and beaming at her again.
"Your uncle has asked to see you. Your aunt has had the baby."
Senga blinked in delight and then grew serious again.
"Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"
"Both are well... now off you go. Quick as you can!" He watched as she all but ran down the corridors to the infirmary.
He rubbed his tiny hands together and headed back to the staff table, itching to tell all the staff that Severus was now a father: a prospect that both filled him with horror and delight.
~
Meg couldn't drag her eyes from the tiny infant lying in her arms. The little girl's cheek resting onher chest, the tiny mouth open slightly and the even smaller eyes shut.
"Isn't she beautiful?" cooed Poppy, peering over the side of the bed. She looked up at where Snape was sitting; his hands clenched together, his eyes glued to the tiny baby in Meg's arms.
"How about a quick hold, Severus, and then I really must clean the little darling up. Helena has run a bath for you, Meg. Maybe you, Severus, can help Meg while we get baby cleaned, weighed, and dressed more comfortably."
Meg looked up from her tiny daughter and across at Snape.
His face had taken a strange rigid expression, his lips thin straight lines, and his eyebrows drawn together quite fiercely.
"Severus?" Meg held her breath slightly, unsure he would want to take the tiny creature still covered in the blood and mucus from birth.
"She's asleep," he grunted. "I wouldn't want to wake her." He stood up and pulled the chair away from the bed, his eyes still on the sleeping baby.
Meg blinked but remained quiet. She surely hadn't hoped for miracles.
"But Severus..."
Meg shook her head at where Helena had blinked in surprise at the dark man.
"No... I would really appreciate that bath." She relinquished her hold on the baby to Poppy, who was hovering, itching to get her hands on the small baby again.
Delight lit her features as she bustled off, cooing softly to the child.
"How do you feel?" came Snape's dark voice in her ear.
Meg looked up at him and grimaced.
"As if I just got run over by a freight train," she admitted.
"Can you walk?" he asked, a quick glance showed him the two witches were both cooing over the baby now.
"Yes, of course," Meg nodded and moved to slide out of the bed. She wasn't ready for the pain in her stomach or the intense feeling of exhaustion that washed over her and then remained, making her feel very light-headed.
Snape took one look at her deathly pale face and caught her to steady her.
"Don't rush; you lost a lot of blood."
"I feel it," she whispered shakily.
"Poppy will give you an Iron Replacement Potion after your bath," he said softly and very gently helped her to stand.
"I had no idea...." Meg leaned heavily on him. "I don't feel so bad at all..." she grinned up at him.
He looked down at her and frowned.
"You still have the effects of the Muggle drug in your blood, not to mention the gas and air, and I would imagine your adrenaline is still on a high. I would not be at all surprised if you don't feel this 'good' in a few hours."
"Well thank you Mister Encouragement," she said dryly.
"Just warning you," he said quietly and helped her into the soapy, warm bath.
Meg gasped as the water turned red instantly.
"What...."
"You did loose a lot of blood, Megan," he said quietly and, with his wand, cleaned the water only to see it redden again. He did this twice more until she was sat in clean warm water.
Meg sighed and closed her eyes.
Snape sat on the edge of the bath and ran a hand over his face.
He'd seen worse sights, seen people suffering far more pain than Meg had. But nothing had affected him quite as much as seeing Meg in pain.
She had not made a noise during the entire birthing, except for the occasional grunt of exertion. But he thought he could have borne it better if she'd screamed. He had been warned by Poppy several weeks ago that she might scream; she had said that some women used the screaming as a way of venting the pain. She had also said that she might well hurt him considerably if she was holding his hand during the birth. But Meg hadn't held his hand, hadn't screamed. She had gripped the sides of the bed for support and had clamped her mouth shut.
She had done it all by herself. He had thought at first that she wasn't even aware he was there, but when he took his hand away from her back, she had looked up at him, red in the face, and cursed him fluently, telling him that if he removed his hand again, she'd remove it for him permanently.
Any other time he'd have smirked at her, and returned some sharp reply, but he was unable to say a thing; watching the whole thing unfold in front of him had knocked him sideways.
He had seen their daughter as she had come out, heard her take her first hearty scream. But he had been removed from it. He had looked at the tiny baby in Meg's arms and it hadn't seemed real, as if he was were watching a play that he was taking part in.
He hadn't realised how hard on Meg it was going to be, and a small part of him would never forgive himself for being the cause of that pain. Unwillingly and unknowingly maybe, but all the same he had caused her pain.
That baby would be their first and last.
~
"Oh she's adorable."
That was Minerva.
"She has your eyes, Severus!"
That was Albus.
"Let's hope she doesn't have his temperament!"
That was Black. Black? Who let him in?
Snape's head jerked up from where he had been sitting beside Meg's bed, his eyes half closed: fatigue had caught up with him too.
"What's he doing here?" Snape snarled. "I didn't think they allowed animals in here!"
"Severus!" Meg's voice caught his attention, and he looked round at her.
She was looking exhausted, her face whiter than the sheets she was lying against.
He looked around and saw the baby being held by Minerva as a group of the teachers all grouped around the bed.
He looked back at Meg's anxious face, her eyes were huge and he clearly saw tears forming in them. He stood up and crossed to the group.
"My wife is exhausted. You may all return, well nearly all..." he shot Black a venomous glance, "in a few days when she has had time to adjust."
Minerva nodded and placed the baby back in her crib. Snape folded his arms, glaring at them.
Albus smiled and nodded his head. "Severus is quite right. We are too much too soon."
They backed away calling goodbye and well dones to Meg, who managed to keep smiling until the last teacher went through the curtain and then the tears fell.
"I'm sorry," she wailed as he swooped down on her and gathered her to him.
"I'm sorry, I fell asleep," he muttered. "I have no idea what Poppy was thinking allowing that many people in here so soon."
"Excuse me...." A very tentative voice came from the curtains.
Snape looked up and saw Senga sticking her head around. "Can I come in yet?"
Snape opened his mouth to say no, but Meg spoke up first.
"Yes, Senga, of course, come in. Excuse me, I'm feeling really, really tired," she sighed and sank back against the sheets, taking one of Snape's hands in hers.
"Try and sleep," Snape said softly and gently stroked the hand he held. In seconds Meg's eyes were closed, and she was fast asleep.
"She's so small," whispered Senga from the side of the crib
"Quite!" Her uncle let go of Meg's hand and came to stand beside Senga as they both peered at the sleeping baby.
"What are you going to call her?"
"We have no name yet."
"How about... Avalon," she said and reached out one finger. She hovered over the baby, unsure whether to touch her.
"She's a child, not an Island," Snape snorted softly. "I imagine we'll pick something sooner or later."
"What colour are her eyes?"
"I haven't seen them myself yet, but your aunt assures me they are black."
"She's a Snape alright then," Senga said and was unaware of the slight bitter tone in her voice.
"They may not stay that colour; according to Poppy they can change in the next couple of months."
"They might be that odd colour like Aunt Meg's," Senga mused.
"Or like her brothers."
"Where is Uncle Jack?"
"I have no idea. Professor Hooch has owled him, so I have no doubt he'll be arriving soon." Snape did nothing to hide the dryness from his voice.
"I like him... he's...." Senga frowned, "I don't know... laid back, I suppose."
"Hum...." Snape raised one eyebrow.
The baby shifted slightly and opened her mouth in a big yawn.
"What does she feel like?" asked Senga. Ever since she had laid eyes on the small baby, an urge to pick her up had started to grow, until now her hands almost itched to hold her.
"Pardon?" He frowned at Senga and saw the look of sheer wonder in her eyes.
"Sit down." He pointed to the chair he had just stood up from.
He watched her obey and then he looked down at the baby in the crib: Now to get her from the crib to Senga...
He rolled up his shirt sleeves and peered down at her. How did he hold her without crushing her, or worse, making her cry which would wake Meg up? Obviously he couldn't pick her up by her neck like mother cats did with their kittens. Or could he? No, that was ludicrous.
Okay then... he frowned darkly at the sleeping child, his hands hovering over her.
He muttered under his breath and stood back. He retrieved his wand from his pocket and levitated the baby straight from the crib and over to Senga.
"How do I hold her?" asked Senga, the baby hovering in mid air, completely oblivious to its condition. Senga was holding out her hands as if she were about to catch a ball.
"Um, keep your arms straight and I'll..." He lowered the baby gently till it was lying across her hands.
"Ohhhh!" Senga wasn't ready for the feeling of holding a newborn baby and tears sprung to her eyes as she instinctively cradled the child close to her, its cheek close to hers.
"She's so warm! And soft," she cooed in delight and looked up at her uncle. "So what am I to her?"
"Cousin," he replied and sighed. At least that had gone well, Meg was asleep, the baby was still asleep and safe in Senga's arms, and not crying on the floor as he'd imagined it would be if he'd tried to pick it up and dropped it. Which was, of course ridiculous, he handled volatile potions on a daily basis and never dropped one! But then volatile potions didn't possess arms and legs that tended to waver dangerously if said child was awakened.
He looked down at his niece, who was staring transfixed at the baby. He turned and went to look for another chair.
~
"You look absolutely awful, sis!" Jack swooped down and kissed Meg's cheek before plopping onto the chair.
"Thanks," Meg drawled dryly and then grinned at him. She looked down at the sleeping child in her arms and then back at Jack.
"Want to hold your niece then, Jack?"
"Of course," he insisted and stood up to take the baby carefully but competently.
"Where did you get the know-how of holding babies?" asked Meg in surprise as she watched him gently cradle the child, not at all disturbing her.
"I stayed with a commune for a couple of months a couple of years before I came back. There was no end to the number of little tykes running around. My friend there had just had a baby boy... you get used to it." He shrugged. "Sleepy little thing, isn't she?"
"She only seems to wake up at night and when she wants feeding, which won't be long now."
"Nocturnal? Like her father," he snorted. "Where is he anyway?"
"Trying to sort out his schedule with Remus. She's a bit early, it's caused problems."
"None that can't be fixed I'm sure," he said and sat down as the baby began to disturb in his arms. She woke up and gave an almighty yawn before bawling loudly.
"Great Scot! Who's lungs did she inherit?" he laughed and handed the baby back to Meg, who settled it to her breast discreetly, where it began to suckle happily.
"Yours I think," she replied and yawned.
"How are you feeling? I mean really feeling?"
"Shattered, happy, sore." She shrugged slightly. "I didn't get much sleep last night, none at all actually. I couldn't help but just watch her; she's perfect."
Jack smiled softly and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.
"Just like her mother then," he said softly.
"They would have loved her, wouldn't they?" she said and felt a sharp pain as she thought of her parents.
"Devotedly. They would have been besotted, and I know they would have been very, very proud of you!"
"I hope so." She closed her eyes as fatigue washed over her again.
"Do you want me to get Poppy. You've gone very white, kid!" He leaned forward again in concern.
"I'm okay. I get really tired still."
"Well, it was only yesterday!"
"Yeah, and it was definitely the hardest thing I have ever done," she sighed heavily. "I never thought that just sitting up would make me feel so washed out."
"Time for your Iron Potion," came the dark, slow voice of Snape from the curtain that still concealed her bed from the rest of the ward. The following day she would be moved to a smaller room off the main ward area.
"Severus!" Jack stood up and nodded at him. "Congratulations, she's beautiful."
"Thank you." Snape took his words with the grace that Jack gave them and inclined his head to him.
"I've got to go and see Hillary before I leave.... oh I nearly forgot!" He reached into the inside pocket of the black bomber jacket he was wearing and drew out a pink bear with a white tummy and big cheeks.
"If you squeeze its cheeks it plays a tune and they light up. Suppose to help her sleep or something." He held the bear out to Snape as Meg's hands were full.
Snape took it with one eyebrow raised.
"Didn't have it in black, old man," Jack grinned at him and swept out of the room, whistling softly.
"Insolent idiot," Snape said, but there was no malice in his voice.
Meg smiled at him and watched as he sat down and deposited the bear on the bedside table with one last highly doubtful look.
"Has everyone been in?" he sneered as he took in the huge amount of gifts, toys, flowers and cards that were arranged on the table, the bear just about squeezing on.
"I think so. Even a few teachers I don't think I've ever seen before... someone called Rondle?"
"Runders," he corrected. "He's assisting Vector for the year."
"Oh." The baby finished feeding and she lifted her to her shoulder and gently rubbed her back.
"Severus, we are seriously going to have to think of a name. Albus is insisting on Candice Rainbow, and says if we don't hurry up and choose, he'll do it himself."
"Stands to obtain a fortune if we call it that; besides, I refuse to call my child anything that vaguely resembles a sweet."
"Her, she's a her, Severus, not an it," Meg sighed slightly.
He frowned at her but remained silent.
"How about Ruby?" Meg mused, deciding now was not the time to nag him about his attitude. She just didn't have the stamina that kind of argument would involve.
"Naming her after a stone? Ruby is... it, she, doesn't look like a Ruby. I have yet to see her eyes, until I have seen her eyes, I refuse to name her."
"Well holding her might help!" Meg snapped, tired with him being so difficult.
"You're winding her."
"You could do it," Meg pointed out quietly.
"I have to teach second years in ten minutes. I refuse to let them see me with sick all down my robes."
"A quick cleaning spell would work," she persisted, watching him avoid her eyes.
"Maybe so," he said vaguely. "Did I tell you that Senga knows Longbottom is leaving now? She took it badly, I'm afraid."
His ruse to change the subject worked.
"Oh did she? What did she say?"
"Nothing really. She has pushed it to the back of her mind which means when she comes back here next year and he's not around, it will hit harder."
"Poor thing. Is she coming here after class?"
"Yes, she's seems to have developed quite the soft spot for the child."
"She's good with her." Meg smiled and brought the baby forward until she could look down into her closed eyes.
"She's asleep again. Here, you can hold her now," Meg said brightly.
"I would not like to wake her," he said quickly
"You wouldn't. And she won't be sick either," she continued a hint of exasperation colouring her voice.
"Nevertheless," he said briskly and stood up. "I have to go and prepare the classroom. I will see you after classes." He leaned over and kissed her forehead before leaving the curtained off area with a swish of his robes.
"Damn the man," hissed Meg.
Meg was still mentally fuming when Senga poked her head around the curtain.
"Senga!" Meg brightened considerably.
"Hello!" Senga came in and sat beside the bed, her eyes automatically went to the baby curled up on Meg's chest.
Meg smiled and moved, holding out the baby to Senga.
"Still no name?" grinned Senga, taking the baby and settling it on her shoulder as if she'd been doing it all her life.
"No, your uncle can be somewhat trying; every name I mention he sneers at or just does that face of his."
"Yes." Senga nodded knowingly. "I suggested Avalon but was told she isn't an Island."
Meg sat up slightly and winced as a ripple of pain went through her.
"Do you want Madam Pomfrey?" Senga asked in concern.
"No, no it's fine honestly, still a bit sore." She smiled at Senga. "I like the name Honor, but he snorted and replied that we could always give her Justice as a middle name as well."
Senga giggled and stroked the baby's soft, downy head gently. The small amount of hair she had was jet black, just like her fathers.
"How about Alice?" Senga suggested.
"Nice. I like Lucy. My mother was called Lucinda, but my father always called her Lucy." She smiled in memory.
"Lucy. That's okay." Senga sat back slightly as the baby nuzzled into her neck and gave a soft whimpering noise.
"Have you heard from Hannah?" asked Meg.
"Yes, she's coming back in the summer holidays to see her gran. I was going to ask you later, but I wondered if she could stay with us for a bit when she comes over."
"Well, it's fine by me and I know your uncle won't object. But you have to check with her parents first."
"Oh they don't mind...." Senga realised that she had let it slip that Hannah had already asked. "She asked them first... it would have been pointless asking you if they said no anyway."
"Of course," Meg grinned. "How's she settling in anyway?"
"Alright, she sounds happy." Senga frowned slightly.
"And how are you?"
"Okay," Senga blinked rapidly. "I'm going to miss helping in the greenhouses next year though."
"Oh yes, Neville..." Meg frowned "But I'm sure Professor Sprout would still want you to continue to help."
"Do you think so?" she asked doubtfully.
"I'm sure so. She told me the other week how much help you've been. They've accomplished a lot this year with your help."
"Mr Longbottom said I could carry on helping. It'll just seem strange..." she faded off and Meg felt sorry for the girl.
"I'm sorry, Senga," she said softly.
"What for?" Senga looked up at her, puzzlement on her face.
"You've had it so hard this past year, and I haven't been much help to you!"
Senga looked away and concentrated on the tiny hand that was curled into a fist on her shoulder.
"I don't need any help."
"Well, maybe not help, but I haven't really been around to talk to you much lately. I'm sorry."
"No problem," Senga murmured, and Meg could hear Hannah's influence on Senga's speech.
"I don't want you to think I've pushed you aside for her." Meg's eyes went to her daughter.
"I don't," said Senga, surprised at Meg's words.
"Just because we have her now, doesn't mean that we care any less for you. In fact, nothing would ever change how we feel for you."
Senga looked at her aunt and blinked.
"She's your daughter, of course you love her more," Senga stated baldly. "Or at least I would think you would."
"Not more, differently," Meg amended. "She's tiny, small, but I'd do anything to protect either of you."
Senga's face cleared of emotion and became as blank as she could make it.
"You don't believe it do you? You don't believe that both your uncle and I love you."
"I'm just..." she stopped as the baby in her arms began to shift restlessly, her tiny head trying very hard to lift from her shoulder. "I'm disturbing her," Senga finished.
"No, she can hear you; she's trying to see your face. That or she's hungry, again!" Meg grinned.
She held her arms out for the baby, and Senga handed her over carefully.
"I'd better go actually, I have a load of homework to go through."
"Okay, but remember I meant what I said. We do love you Senga."
Senga slipped out of the curtain, a small smile on her face.
Meg settled the baby to her and sighed as she thought about Senga.
~
Snape let out a silent sigh as he stood outside the door that led to the small anteroom off the infirmary. He would have come back an hour ago but he had managed to take as long as possible cleaning and preparing his classroom for the next day.
And then Albus had dropped his 'surprise' on him.
Albus, interfering old fool; but he knew it was actually standard policy. He had just forgotten.
He had a week's Paternity leave starting from today. He had a lot of work still in setting the exams that would begin at the end of May, and it was only three weeks away. And now one of those weeks would be taken up with... he felt a twinge of guilt. Ordinarily he would jump at the chance to spend a week with Megan and not have to think about school, but that was before.
The baby was now two days old and the feeling of complete ineptness had escalated. He didn't know what to do with a baby; he didn't know anything about them. He'd spent some time reading through the books that Megan had, but nothing had prepared him for the actual birth. If he closed his eyes he could still see the amount of pain she'd been in... the blood she'd lost...
He shook his head to rid himself of the images and opened the door.
The curtains around her bed were pulled back and her bed was empty. The cot beside the bed was also empty.
Concern shot through him: every time he'd come up before, there they'd been. Usually the baby curled in her arms as she stared down at it in contentment. But now, there was no sign of either of them. He looked around the small room; everything else was still there, all the gifts they'd been given.
Frowning darkly, he swept back into the main area and walked towards Poppy's office.
Poppy's office was empty too, and there was no sign of the Midwifery Witch either. All her equipment had been removed and the small area Poppy had cleared for her was once more Poppy's coffee area.
Concern changed to fear.
What if something had gone wrong?
He snorted they would have come and fetched him straight away. But what if they hadn't had the time to get him....
He turned to where the bathrooms were and went in there, knowing that if that was empty too, then something had definitely happened.
His mother had died shortly after childbirth, and while he would never say anything to Megan, it had been there at the back of his mind.
His swung the door open with a bang and made Poppy jump.
"What's up?" she asked in her sharp voice, expecting to see a student.
"Severus!" Meg was half sitting on the edge of the bath where Poppy had laid a smaller baby bath over the top. Meg had the baby cradled in her arms in the warm soapy water.
Relief washed through him as he took in the scene.
"I wondered where you were," he said, concern making his voice sharp.
Meg's smile faltered and then became falsely bright.
"Poppy has been showing me how to bathe her; she loves the water, Severus."
"Wonderful," he grated. "I'll be in your anteroom."
He turned and went out, banging the door shut behind him.
He knew he'd been hard, too hard, and completely unfeeling. He knew he'd hurt Megan with his attitude. He knew he was a bastard. Nothing changed there then.
Meg winced as the door crashed closed and blinking, looked at Poppy.
"I shouldn't worry too much dear," Poppy said gently, her eyes and face filled with concern.
"I'm not," Meg said brightly and promptly burst into tears. She lifted the baby from the bath and wrapped her in a warmed towel.
"I mean I'm not worried at all," she sobbed loudly. "I knew he didn't want her, didn't want any children. I should have realised that this would happen... but..."
"Give him time, my dear, he just needs time."
"How long? Twenty years? Just in time to send her down the aisle with a 'oh, by the way, I do love you.' Might just be a tad too late then, Poppy," she sobbed, her voice rising.
Poppy watched with concern, while inwardly cursing Snape with every hex she knew.
"I don't think he'll ever be different...." she wailed.
"Well..." Poppy disposed of the water and watched with a mixture of pride and concern as Meg carefully dressed the baby.
"I've known Severus a long time, more years than I care to admit to. If there was someone who I thought, and indeed the entire teaching staff thought, would never fall in love and get married, it was Severus." She set the bath on its edge inside the bigger bath and looked back up at Meg. "He has changed before, he can change again."
Meg set the baby on her shoulder and nodded, wiping her eyes with her other hand.
"I suppose I should go and see him."
Poppy nodded and watched Meg leave the bathroom sadly.
Meg came into the anteroom slowly, unsure if he'd be there. But he was; he was stood by the window, staring down at the grounds below them.
"Severus..." Meg winced as pain shot through her stomach area.
He turned, hearing the edge of pain in her voice.
"Should you be carrying her so soon?" he demanded and marched up to her.
"It's okay... but maybe." She held out the baby wrapped in a shawl and almost thrust her into his arms.
His arms came up, and she let go to totter to the bed before gently lowering herself down.
Severus stood in the middle of the room, the baby in both hands at arm's length.
"What...."
"Sit down, it's easier. She doesn't weigh much, but it's surprising how quickly she gets heavy; then again that could just be me." Meg watched as he blinked at the sleeping baby in his hands, his face a mask of complete and utter surprise.
He walked forward till he could sit on the chair by the bed, the baby still at arm's length.
Meg sighed and hoisted herself up on the bed, tears threatening to fall again.
"I'll have her..." She looked back and was surprised to see that he'd brought the baby closer to him. He still held her in his hands like a book, but he was peering into her face.
"When will she wake up?" he asked quietly.
"When she's hungry probably; at the moment it seems to be every two hours."
He blinked and stared at the baby. Meg smiled softly and laid her head back on the pillows. At least he was holding her now.
Snape didn't think he'd ever, ever felt anything like it. He couldn't recall a moment when he'd even held a child, let alone a baby. He had never seen much of Draco when he'd been a baby, and of course he'd never seen Senga at all before she came here. But this... was indescribable.
The baby was as light as a feather, even though he knew it was a healthy eight pounds four ounces. He brought the baby closer to him and looked with intent at the tiny screwed up eyes, the slightly puckered mouth and the even smaller button nose.
One hand had escaped the wrap of the shawl and was poking out of the side of the white wool. The fingers were long and pink with the tiniest nails he'd ever seen. He couldn't help but compare his thumb nails to hers. The baby gave a tiny mewl and her mouth opened, but her eyes remained closed. Her tongue came out as her mouth made opening and shutting motions.
"What is she doing?" he asked Meg without taking his eyes from the tiny pink tongue that seemed to be searching for something.
He got no response from Meg, and he risked a quick glance to see that she was fast asleep. The baby mewled again and he blinked quickly, trying to think what to do. He knew Meg was exhausted, and he didn't want to disturb her.
"Quiet," he said in his soft but dark voice.
The baby mewled again and the tongue became more frantic.
"You'll wake up Mega...I mean your mother..." He shook his head and closed his eyes. How ridiculous could he get? Talking to her like that, as if she could understand.
The baby shifted in his arms and the sudden fear that he would drop her made him bring the baby in even closer to him, till she was close to his chest. He moved her in his arms until he was more comfortable and could look down into her face.
Slowly and falteringly the baby opened her eyes, and he saw them for the first time. He peered down at her, a dark frown between his eyes, his mouth formed into a slight grimace.
"Your eyes are not black, are they?" he said quietly. "They're a very dark blue; like navy." He frowned and brought his face closer till his hair slipped forward and brushed against her face.
She mewled and brought her mouth round towards it, trying to get it into her mouth.
"You can't eat my hair," he snorted and pulled back up slightly.
The baby turned and he was once again caught by the way her eyes moved restlessly, never quite focussing on anything.
"You have your mother's appetite I hear," he drawled. "I believe if she could, she too would eat every two hours. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion she does." He settled back into the chair comfortably, realising that when he spoke the baby tried very hard to focus on where his voice came from.
"What shall we call you?" he mused. "I don't suppose your mother would stand for calling you 'bug.' Although, I think it rather fits. You have the look of a disgruntled Mandrake Root when it's first pulled. However, I'm sure she won't stand for it at all...."
He leaned forward again, and her eyes finally caught his. She didn't blink as she lay there staring up into his midnight black eyes.
Snape felt as if every last drop of breath had left his body and he would never breathe again.
This was his daughter. Formed from his blood and the love he had for the woman lying in the bed beside him. His daughter.
He stared down at her, their eyes locked as he saw his entire future and his past come together. Everything became clear, crystal clear. Nothing else mattered. This was what everything had led to. This was his future. Here in this room, the woman he loved to distraction and the baby in his arms that he now knew he would love forever.
"Clarity," he said out loud. "You are my Clarity."
~
"Clarity?" squeaked Hillary. "That's not a name, it's a situation."
"It's her name," Snape repeated from his seat beside Meg, who was discreetly feeding the baby.
"Clarity Snape?" Hillary continued. "But Meg... tell him..."
"Her name is Clarity Anna Snape," Snape all but barked.
Meg looked sharply at him; Anna had been her mother's middle name.
"Anna?" her eyes filled with tears, and she looked over at where Jack was sitting at the window, reading a magazine. He looked up briefly and shrugged at her.
"I like it. She would have loved it," he said simply and went back to his magazine
She looked back at Snape and smiled softly.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
He leaned forward so that his mouth was next to her ear.
"You are welcome," he breathed. "I would do anything for you... both."
__________________
A/N:
Wow! You made it to the end and you're still breathing and conscious? Thank you!
I really hope you enjoyed it and I hope I haven't put anyone off child birth.
I actually found this rather hard to write, as I didn't want to put too many details in... yuch! But I hate the sort of things when it's all over and done with and the woman has a great figure and can do the leap frog minutes after giving birth.
It just doesn't work that way, unfortunately.
So Meg will be hobbling around and still looking like she's swallowed a watermellon for a few weeks yet. Having said all that, holding your baby for the first time is just... out of this world and is a very life-defining moment. Everything does kinda click into place (Well it did for me).
It's no bed of roses though! Sleepless nights, trying to function on four hours sleep a night when you still feel like Hell is no laughing matter. Abby is now 2 ½ and I'm still waiting for a complete night's sleep! But she's worth it!
I hope you liked the baby's name as well....
Anyway now you've all sworn to remain childless ;-)
Thank you to everyone who reads this! Thanks to everyone who leaves those reviews that just make my day!
Well.... there's not a lot left for me to waffle about except that I hope that you all keep well and happy.
Look after yourselves! (Goodness! I sound like Jerry Springer!)