Loving You Is Forbidden (Third Book of "Fire and Ice" series)

CH. 17: Another step into your world - Another step into my heart

Dear All,

Here is a NEW chapter!

I'm sorry because I had planned to update last week, but I had problems with my neck, as it was a bit blocked, and I couldn't much sit in front of my laptop.

It also took longer than expected to write this chapter and I believe you will understand the reasons after having it read. I really hope you will enjoy it because, dear All, this is an intense and very demanding chapter. I will not anticipate anything, aside to be ready: it's very long.

I will be looking forward to reading your comments! THANK YOU very much for your votes, messages, comments and incredible support! Magic hugs to all of you :-)

I want to DEDICATE this chapter to ALL OF YOU, readers and fans of Anatoly & Oleg, because this chapter really belongs to everyone.

The picture is the one of a Japanese dragon tattoo and you will understand the reason at the end of the chapter, also you should search what it symbolises. You will understand what Anatoly means. As for the song, I believe that "November Rain" from Guns N' Roses is perfect. It moves many emotions in me and I think it can do the same with you.

P.S. I am sorry if there are some mistakes, but I do not edit it in any professional way and so mistakes do slip my attention. You know that all of my stories are NOT edited. I shall work on that when I'll be able.

And now, I will let you enjoy the new chapter!

"If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave", by Emily Bronte in "Wuthering Heights"

OLEG POV:

I waited for Anatoly to come back from the school party, because a restless sensation never abandoned me for the entire evening. I had begun to rationally consider all the accidents happened to him and around him in school, arriving to the conclusion that the responsible was not Sergey Lebedev and that it was not someone outside the school having an accomplice, as I first suspected. The perpetrator of such petty episodes, but now rather dangerous incidents, was someone not far from Anatoly, someone that somehow did not simply observed him from afar.

At first, those episodes were a clear manifestation of an immature personality, someone rather pitiable, but that also displayed a disturbing interest in unsettling Anatoly. But then they multiplied: spraying on his locker, breaking parts of his motorbike, writing insolent words about him on the walls of the bathroom, and more. It felt as if someone wanted to torment Anatoly about his past mistakes, always making sure to remind him of his past actions. It had already surpassed my patience and it had to come to end soon. The incident happened during the preparations for the Halloween party, together with other small episodes, confirmed it definitely. Now the main point was to discover the person and the reasons behind such actions.

The person had better be a young student, for I would never allow myself to lay hands on such subject; for their safety, the person had better be someone I could not directly deal with, or else I might consider going over the admitted limits. The idea that some vermin toyed with Anatoly's feelings and also safety was enough to ignite a very dangerous sense of protection toward him. Very dangerous for the simple reason that, anyone trying to hurt Anatoly would unleash the repressed and controlled ire slowly burning and growing in me. Each little and pitiable episode incensed it, and each little and pitiable episode made me want to find the responsible, in order to enjoy a pleasant talk.

As I said, for the safety of this lowlife, the person better be a young, spoilt student.

I waited in the kitchen, while I read an article about geo-politics and savoured a cup of tea. I turned the page, but I stopped, as the sound of faltering steps took my entire attention. My feet pushed me standing in no time and in a matter of few steps, I had reached and opened the main door of the residence. My eyes stared at the figure of Anatoly, difficulty held by his friend and classmate Adrian Taylor; the young man gave me a worried look and his face was completely pale. However, I wasted no time and immediately took Anatoly in my arms.

He was breathing heavily, not able to properly stand on his feet and he was shivering. I could not describe what passed through me in that moment seeing Anatoly in that condition.

A past memory flashed in my mind, a night where I had followed him, under the order of Mr. Denisov to keep an eye on his son. He had tried some drug that made him feel in a similar way and it was sheer luck I had found him alone on that bench. However, at the time he was able to somehow stand on his own feet and I made sure to take care of him as a duty toward Mr. Denisov. Even though seeing him in that state moved emotions in me that I should have not felt then, I had not felt the same consuming and cold anger that wrapped my body at the present time.

That vermin had done something that put him in a very treacherous position and that piece of filth better pray to be someone I could not deal with directly, using my own hands.

"What happened?" I demanded to Anatoly's friend and before answering me, he swallowed down.

"I am not sure, but I think someone put something in his drink. I am sorry...Anatoly asked me to take him home," he explained and I had to give him credit for being able to not look away from me.

Anatoly tried to say something, but it was not possible to understand his words, for they came out as if broken and too slow to make any sense. I had to take a deep breath to command and restore an apparent calm.

"Do not talk, Anatoly," I ordered more curtly than I intended and he grunted out something that made no sense. They had drugged him indeed and this had step over a line that they should have not stepped. Again. They wanted to remind Anatoly of his past again. I had to repress with all my will what came over me.

"You can go, thank you for having helped him," I quickly instructed Anatoly's class mate and after that I went to move, but he talked more.

"I can stay and help; I am sorry that it happened to him...someone in school has something against him and I feel bad I cannot help him," he told me, appearing visibly upset. I simply nodded at him in the meaning to thank him for his consideration, but I would be the one taking care of Anatoly.

"No, no need. I will take care of him and then, I will take care of what happened," I promised and with that, I closed the door behind me and carried Anatoly to my room.

As we reached my quarters, he immediately felt sick on the floor; it was good that he let it out, so that intoxicating substance could leave his system fast. He fell on his knees and palms, letting out what was inside him on the floor of the room, breathing heavily and deeply; he said something that with all chances meant that the walls were spinning around him, making him feel sicker than before. An effect of what they gave him. I took another breath, levelling what threatened to overcome me. Not the time for personal emotions, Oleg Azarov; Anatoly's safety came first.

As the first wave of sickness subsided, I moved him to the bathroom, to refresh his face and neck, clean his mouth, removing those clothes that clearly made him feel uncomfortable and constrained. He threw up there and I never let him alone for a moment, saved a few seconds when I called a friend working in the private military clinic where they cured Anatoly months ago; a friend that would never refuse a favour to me or to Mr. Denisov, and he indeed provided with useful advices and directions in the matter of making this punk feel better. He also remained at immediate disposition if the situation called for it, but I had already faced a similar episode once already with Anatoly, and another time when in the Army, when a young private made the mistake to assume something he should have not while under my supervision and command. The moment that solider felt better, he cursed himself for having tried something so foolish, for I punished and reprimanded him severely.

I gave Anatoly what would help him to feel better by getting rid of what was in his system; he had to drink a lot, because he risked dehydration with the vomiting. It was not very simple to stay beside him and watch him being that sick; not that I minded seeing him throwing up, for a simple reason that I would mind nothing from Anatoly, but it was hard to see him that sick and having risked potential great danger by the hands of some lowlife that was going to pay the moment I would discover their identity.

Anatoly slowly stopped feeling sick and he obviously was completely tired and worn out; it took long time and I always kept at his side. His brother had come to see what had happened, since he heard him being sick when he passed by to go upstairs. Dmitri however understood that the best decision was to go to his room and not hover around, knowing Anatoly did not appreciate people worrying over him. I could tell his throat hurt and also his entire body. I helped him in every way I could and when he felt slightly better, I walked him to the bed and let him rest there for a few hours, once more keeping at his side would he need anything.

When he woke up, it was already dawn time and he looked rather pale; he was sweating slightly as a normal reaction after the night he had spent being sick. His breathing had levelled down and I could tell that he seemed better.

We kept on my bed for some time, making small conversation because I did not want to tire him, even if he insisted that talking made him feel better. As usual, his stubbornness proved to be quite the challenge, because I had to impose my orders in terms of drinking more water and resting quietly in bed. What happened last night could not be treated as mere sickness and that was the reason I had called that friend and asked to make a quick test on him, to make completely sure Anatoly was well.

ANATOLY POV:

"Do not worry, Anatoly. I am here with you and I will personally see in this matter."

Those words somehow felt like a reassuring balm, as if I had been given to drink fresh water in the middle of an arid and dusty desert. His lips had touched my forehead and that was something that made me more conscious of my actions, of his actions...of how I felt. However, I did feel terribly and drugs never had such a toll on me. Only that time...Oleg pulled me straighter and secured his arm around my waist, while he grabbed my arm with his other hand and made it rest around his neck. Thank every possible God up there in the sky for not having made him take me in his arms like some pathetic little kid. But I had no freaking energy to talk.

"Oleg," I tried to say, but I wasn't sure how it came out.

"Do not talk, Anatoly," he answered with hard voice and I understood immediately he was beyond mad.

"Sorry," I slurred out.

"I said, do not talk. I am taking you to my room and I will take care of you."

I wanted to talk, but my mouth was too dry, my head too confused and I felt like I had to throw up big time. My head fell on his shoulder and we reached his room on time for me to vomit on his floor. Fuck: I hated this. I felt terrible for that and I didn't want him to see me in this fucked-up way, but...at the same time, he was the only one I would let see me in this pathetic state. I threw up a second time and I tried to murmur an apology, but he simply kept beside me, holding me from falling down on my own dirt and slowly removing my coat. He massaged my back for a few seconds and that soothed me very much, spreading a sensation of warmth and peace in my limbs.

"I'm sorry...Oleg..."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Anatoly. Can you stand?" Oleg very gently and very carefully pulled me up on my feet and guided me to his bathroom. "Let me take care of this." I didn't have any force to counter debate and I let him do as he told me.

Fresh water lightly splashed my face and rinsed my lips, for then drinking it and spitting it out. I felt more waves of sickness and Oleg understood it immediately, because in no time I was in front of the toilet, throwing up almost my own guts. He kept there, beside me, silent, one hand on my forehead, the other one on my back.

Nobody ever saw me in this state. I never wanted anybody seeing me in this state, but it was clear how everything belonged to a completely different level when it came to this man.

I felt bad...very fucking bad...my head spun so much that it made me sick and my mouth was so dry that I thought it had turned into dust. The room and the damn walls kept turning around me and it felt as if there was some stupid, loud noise all around. It was so damn annoying and it was...I hated to feel like this. I hated to feel fear.

Fuck...it felt like that time when I tried that shit, only...this time it struck me more strongly and this sensation was beginning to scare me...I was almost scared and I would be pretty much shitless scared, if it weren't for him being here beside me. I tried to take a few deep breaths, concentrating on his presence, on his touch, on his voice that clearly sounded set on some belligerent note, even if tried to be kept normal.

I think I alternated moments of lucidity with moment of confusion, because I could not remember everything that happened and I couldn't understand what was happening around me. Only one thing was there without faltering: Oleg.

He made me drink water and then he told me to take some pill or whatever that was; I really couldn't tell what the hell it was, but it made puke out my soul almost. I threw up so much that my throat hurt as fuck, my jaws protested even when I swallowed down and my voice sounded terribly hoarse. Even the muscles in my stomach and my rib cage hurt. I had never thrown up that much in my entire life and it left me completely empty and tired. I believe that after having drunk a lot of water, as he didn't let go until I drank some of it, I fell asleep on his bed. It wasn't a real, deep sleep, because I faintly heard him moving around and talking to somehow on the phone, then, I wasn't sure if it was part of a dream or not, but the voice of my brother reached my ears from far, far away.

Yet, my eyes slowly closed completely and my mind seemed to be quieter, no more sounds irritating my nerves or being too loud. I might have fallen asleep for real, because when I woke up, there was a very faint and cold light coming in the room from the window. Fuck: had I been sick for the entire freaking night? Argh...I wished to catch that fucktard that had that very funny idea of spiking my drink...I would enjoy a very lovely chit-chat with the moron.

A hand gently ran in my hair and slowly my eyes opened up, feeling everything in me very heavy and very tired. I was thirsty...fuck...I was really thirsty. Oleg's dark eyes immediately looked at me and his face appeared very tense and set in a severe expression; his hand lightly touched my forehead and I let out a breath of relief, because I felt much better than before. The room didn't turn around me anymore; the walls were exactly where they damn were supposed to be, the floor didn't threaten to smash my face anymore and my throat, even if it hurt as freak, it felt not that dusty and dry as before. A shiver though travelled my entire body and I felt cold, my skin sweaty.

"How do you feel, Anatoly?" The way his voice sounded gripped my guts painfully. The way his eyes studied my face, deepened into my eyes, searched into me, and the way his hand kept resting on my forehead...it all left me breathless and absolutely unable to speak. He stared at me more and then spoke again. "How do you feel?"

"Better," I only managed to utter, because the intensity of his stare completely overpowered me. He let out what I believe it was a relieved sigh and the hardness on his face somehow smoothed of a very small degree. "I feel somehow better, no spinning, no loud sounds, no vomit, but.."

"You better not talk much," he said shortly. "You did throw up considerably, but it was the best way to get it out of your system."

"The hell was that?" I managed to ask with a very raspy and low voice.

"It was something that stimulated your vomit and that should have stimulated your body to expel whatever was in your system and guts," he explained with a voice that sounded too calm and too controlled even for him.

He sat beside me, studying me with unreadable and very hard eyes, his hand smoothing my hair. I noticed how my clothes were different, as now I wore a loose pair of shorts and a tee shirt that did not belong to me.

"You changed my clothes?"

"Yes. What you had was not comfortable for you and the shirt got dirty." At those words, my eyes darted away, feeling burning embarrassment taking hold of my body. His callous fingers moved on the side of my face and carefully made me look back at him. "Anatoly, I do not care that you felt sick on my floor. I have already cleaned it. It is you, do you understand? The only thing I did care about was to help you and make you feel better." We simply gazed at each other and then another shiver travelled my body. "You are cold, correct?" I nodded at his question. "You have a bit of fever, but do not worry. It is a normal reaction after what your body ingested." My eyes widened at how his voice sounded: the imposed calm and apparent control had vanished completely, leaving space to a barely contained angry growl. I had never heard him sound like that...no, once only. When he had asked me the name of that piece of shit. I swallowed down and he did not miss it. "Forgive me, Anatoly."

"What?" I rasped out, trying to push myself in sitting position.

"Do not move Anatoly, you need to rest and you need to drink more water," he said, regaining his usual composed voice.

"Forgive me for what? For having taken care of my sorry ass? For being worried about me?"

He gave me a tired smile and his knuckles rested on the side of my face, while his thumb slowly caressed the line of my jaw. My eyes closed at his touch and my previous, momentary anger cooled away, leaving me in need to feel closer to this man; I rested my forehead on his shoulder and he kept caressing me in that very soothing and reassuring way.

"Sorry for what, Oleg?" I asked once more.

"I always expose my emotions too much when it comes to you. I impose them on you in some occasions and that it is not correct," he explained with calm voice and I let out a quick chuckle. "What is it?" He asked, now moving his fingers in my sweaty hair.

"I like to see your emotions. They make me see that also you are a rather normal human being. I like to feel them...don't hide them from me, please," I said, feeling almost like a lost kid. He said nothing for long seconds, but then he carefully pushed me back and set his intense and dark eyes on me.

"Understood, Anatoly," Oleg only replied to me and I smiled. "Now rest more and drink more water, do you understand me, Anatoly?" I simply nodded and drank the small bottle of water he handed me. "Your brother came to see you last night, because he heard you being sick when he came back home." Shit...I didn't want other people to see me in that way. "He was worried, Anatoly. He was very worried, but I explained that he could go to his room and I think he understood what I meant. Dmitri knows you more than you imagine."

"Yeah, I guess he does." I kept quiet and went back on lying down, because I hated to admit it, but I felt as if a damn huge truck had hit me at full speed. "I'm tired," I exhaled out as my body went back on the pillow.

"That is normal. Rest here for longer and later, if you will have appetite, I shall prepare something you can eat."

It was almost embarrassing at how at ease I felt around this man and at the fact I let him take care of me this much; but it made me feel so good that I selfishly decided to indulge in such moment for another bit.

"Thank you, Oleg," I murmured, taking hold of his hand. It was a childish act and I knew it, but feeling his rough fingers wrapped around mine gave me an impossible to describe sensation. To think at first I had tried to let go of him...God...I didn't want to even think about that or about what I had risked to lose. Actually, who I had risked to lose. "Thank you," I repeated once more, meaning many things in that word.

"There is no need to thank me," he replied quietly, not letting go of my hand.

I probably slept for a few more hours, because when I opened my eyes a second time, the light was brighter in the room. There was no way I could spend more time in bed and, realising Oleg was not there, I went to search for him. He was in the kitchen, explaining to Dima that now I was feeling better. My brother cursed out loud, in his usual way, and he tried to think who might be behind this lovely attempt to drug me, but there was no way he would ever get a decent clue. He couldn't almost remember the names of my classmates.

"Hey," I simply said, while I stepped in the kitchen.

"Tolya! You are up, sleepy princess. How do you feel? Wow, you do look like crap," he joked as he gave me one of his bright and wide grins.

"I'm better, thanks," I answered in quick words, moving my stare on Oleg, who stood for a moment quiet and silent, and then walked toward me, touching my forehead with his hand. I swallowed down at his sudden reaction and my eyes darted to my brother, now staring at me with an expression of someone that didn't know what to say or to think. I could tell he was going through some major shock, and so was I.

"You do not have fever," Oleg said, after having checked on my forehead. "However, you should not be up already. You need more rest."

"I'm deadly bored," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "I can't just sleep all day long or simply be in bed: I'll go mental."

Dima burst out laughing and we both turned to look at him. He was having a fit between laughter and some bullshit he was trying to say, but it wasn't possible to understand a single freaking word out of his moronic nonsense. What there was to laugh this much? My twin was hopeless sometimes.

"Oh crap, I'm sorry for being an idiot and laughing, but you going mental? Tolya you already are a huge nut case." I snorted something at him, but he chuckled more, now walking to me. "I'm happy you're better, bro. When you find out who the hell did that to you, let me know...I'd like to whisper him a couple of nice words, and I'm sure Sasha would like that, too." He waggled his brows and I punched his arm.

"You told Sasha and the other guys?" My twin stared back at me with a duh-expression and I face-palmed. "They'll freaking worry like some mother hens."

"The Taylor siblings did call this morning," Oleg said with an apparent neutral voice, but I had not missed his amused and sadistic smirk. He was having fun at my expenses. I groaned out more and he let out a chuckle, surprising my brother that never heard Oleg behaving in such normal way. "You need to understand that your friends worry about you. It is very good, Anatoly."

"Yeah, I didn't mean it in a bad way, Tolya. But Sasha sent me a message asking if you wanted to watch our training, because your phone was off or something like that, and I told him what happened, so yeah...my bad," he said ruffling his hair and trying to give me a casually moronic smile. I let it go and shook my head, starting to feel hungry. "I guess our parents will freak out even more."

"What?" I snarled out loud, feeling my throat still very much in pain. I swallowed down a bit and threw a murdering glare at my brother. "You didn't tell them this, right?"

"No, no...don't worry, don't go berserk on me, Tolya."

"But we should tell them. It happened under my responsibility and supervision, and aside this, they should be informed," Oleg explained in his usual authoritarian tone and I groaned out even more.

"Why? No, they don't need to know this, it will only trigger back bad memories and..." the glare that Oleg spared me shut my mouth.

"I do not like to hide anything from Mr. and Mrs. Denisov." Those words meant much more than my brother could possibly understand and I only could stand there looking at that man, knowing he was right, knowing I couldn't postpone talking to them more than this. I understood only then how much it might have cost to Oleg. I nodded and went to sit, feeling suddenly very hungry.

"Alright, I give up." I ran a hand in my hair and realised that I hadn't showered after what happened last night. "Can I eat something? I'll take a shower after."

"Go to take a shower, Anatoly. I will prepare something to eat." I went to say that it was not necessary, because I could manage to take care of myself. But once more his commanding stare shut me up. Dima looked at us and his brain had already gone out of work. He scratched his chin as if thinking about something and then shrugged.

"Err, I will go to training or else the captain might consider kicking me out," he joked and I shook my head at his lame attempt of giving us some private space. Although, he made me chuckle and I followed him.

"Yeah, you better get your ass there. I still wonder why they haven't kicked you out, yet."

"Because I'm the best out there." Dima grinned widely and patted my shoulder.

"I thought that the Mighty Sasha was the best out there," I teased him, knowing it actually was true. My friend was almost scary when on the ice, because he was fierce as some untamed beast, freaking strong and he possessed so much charisma and authority over the other players that he seemed to crash them all.

"Well, fine...I'm the second best badass there," he said, mimicking to show me his flexed bicep. I slapped his neck and told him to move his ass.

"Get your ass there already and say hi to the guys. Later I'll send a message to Sasha."

I turned to look at Oleg, who had silently followed that small exchange with a smile that I could not interpret. Argh...unreadable bastard. Unreadable, hot bastard...my eyes indulged on his figure a moment longer than needed, because he gave me that infamous smirk that each time fuelled my blood and temper. I wasn't sure I could hold back longer than this...and I wasn't sure he could do the same. Today he wore a shirt with jeans, as I believe that "less proper" clothes (he would call them in such way for sure) were something he felt comfortable to wear only when around me. I felt like smiling, but somehow I managed to hide it.

"I'll go shower then and yeah, I'd eat something."

Oleg did not say a word in response, he only let his eyes study me a bit longer and then he inclined his head. Right, my brother was right there beside me.

When I walked back to the kitchen, feeling hundred times better and cleaner after a shower, Dima had already left and in a way it was good. It wasn't that I minded my brother around or anything; it made me secretly happy how he worried about me and that he felt like kicking the ass of the dumbass that spiked my drink. The idea actually very much pissed me off, because what would have happened if somebody else tried my drink? What if Viola drank it instead of me? The thought made me sick and I tried to push it away. This fucktard was going very much overboard and it was starting to be dangerous, because it indirectly touched and endangered my friends. I hated to bring people in my own mess.

I took a deep breath before going to crash something there at hand, because that sure wasn't a reaction that would solve anything. Oleg turned around, probably hearing me, and his eyes looked at me as if asking me what was wrong.

"What is it?" He asked. "Are you not feeling well?"

"No, I'm good, thanks." I walked where he stood and I hugged him, playing in my mind what he did to help me last night and knowing that I also wanted to start being closer to him.

My arms wrapped around his broad and muscular back, letting my fingers sink in the muscles of his massive back. Oleg wasn't only huge and Hulk-like ripped, feeling very solid and unbreakable; Oleg was a solid and unfaltering man, someone that would never let go of you or never fail you once beside you. My arms tightened around him and his arms also went around me, in a way that never happened before. Both of his arms secured around my back and we stayed like this, without speaking any single word for some time.

"I'm OK. I was only thinking that what happened last night might have endangered one of my friends," I explained trying to repress the sudden anger boiling in me, remembering what happened with Viola that afternoon. "I mind it. I don't care if they take it against me, but I don't want this fucktard to involve people around me. It fucking pisses me off." I let out a frustrated groan and his arms wrapped around me tighter, pressing me against his chest.

His smell right then calmed me down, strangely enough. His muscles seemed to contract and pulse, as if he was considering something and I knew he was set on finding the idiot that drugged my drink. I swallowed down at the idea, as the way his eyes burned last night with cold and murdering rage flashed in my mind. I had already witnessed of what this man was capable of and I sure wouldn't be in the shoes of that jerk; although, I wouldn't be in their shoes if I were to find them, because my patience had already exploded.

"We need to talk about that, Anatoly. Also, we need to talk about that other issue concerning the gang."

"Can we talk about that later? I'm tired of this and I need a break from my shit today."

Oleg kept completely silent for a couple of minutes and I wondered what was going on in his mind, but then he spoke with measured and controlled voice.

"Very good. I will not press you for these matters today. We will discuss it another day, but we have to discuss it and you know that. These episodes have reached a limit that I cannot tolerate. The vermin playing around with you better pray to be a student, because Anatoly: if I discover the identity and the piece of trash is not a student, there will be direct consequences coming from me. I swear it," he said with final and threatening tone.

I only gulped at his voice and at how his arms wrapped around me even tighter than before, as if wanting to underline the meaning of those words with his actions. I decided to say nothing in response, because whatever I would say would sound out of place. I nodded only and he loosened the grip on me.

I asked myself what type of man Oleg would be: it unravelled in front of my eyes that Oleg was a very protective and freaking caring person, but without displaying that annoying possessiveness, something that I never liked in a man. He didn't need to be jealous like I was, nor he needed to be openly territorial. Oleg was an unyielding and anchor-like presence that would really do anything in his power to protect and take care of the brat I was. I pressed my face on his collarbone and inhaled his smell. Fuck...I loved it.

"What are you thinking about, Anatoly?"

"What kind of man you are. You are not jealous, but you are very protective. It pisses me off in a way, but I can't deny it also makes me feel damn good," I admitted not caring about how I sounded. He chuckled quietly and gently pushed me back to stare at my eyes.

"Correct: I do not have a jealous nature, but it is also true that I tend to be very protective of the persons that mean very much to me, in a way or another." My breath almost halted at the intensity of his black eyes, at how they searched into me, at how his hand slowly reached the side of my face. "I believe I made clear that you Anatoly mean very much to me, in a way that nobody ever meant to me before. I apologize if my being protective might feel overwhelming, but it cannot be helped."

I was about to explode for how his words and eyes made me feel. The entire room felt too small, suffocating. He knocked out my breath with what he said and left me there unable to properly talk or think. Shit...Oleg was...Fuck, I loved him. I fucking loved him more than I could explain or even imagine. My hands slipped on his hair and my fingers grabbed it with all of what I felt in that moment, while my eyes never let go of his. I pulled his forehead on mine, because I needed to calm down.

"I...I think you already understood that it's the same for me, even if I'm not very good at admitting such things." He smiled softly and only nodded. "Oleg, I meant what I said that night: for me you can't be replaced, so don't you ever do anything like that anymore."

"I cannot promise it, Anatoly."

"What?" I growled out and he sighed deeply.

"Anatoly, I would rather take a bullet straight in my head than letting you face any sort of danger or bad situation. I will do my best to solve whatever is pending at the moment, to shield you, but if another episode like that night will happen, I will act in the same exact way."

"No, I don't want that. I don't need to be shielded," I growled out more, now grabbing his shirt and feeling my blood boiling in my veins. "Don't you do anything like that anymore, you hear me?"

"Anatoly, you do not understand..."

"You don't fucking understand. I would take a damn bullet for you. I want to become a man you can rely on, do you understand me now?" I was half snarling and half yelling, because my temper had of course exploded at the memories of that night, suddenly flashing in front of my eyes, suddenly making me blind in fear at the idea of involving him in whatever that madman had unsettled with me.

Oleg said nothing and simply stood there staring at me with a face that held no open emotions or open thoughts. Then something crossed his eyes and they closed for a moment, while he took a long, possibly calming breath. Had I worn his patience off? That could have been with me and my sweet temper, and I felt an idiot for that. I knew I could and would rely on him, since I had learnt in the hard way how destructive it was to keep things for myself, but...I froze on the spot as his eyes re-opened and his hand rested on my neck, for then sliding on the side of my face, letting his thumb caress my lips and shutting my mouth completely.

"I do understand how you feel, Anatoly, and I respect it. But you need to understand me and how I am; it is something I cannot change and it is something I do not want to change. I will always be beside you, Anatoly. Always," he promised me with a tone of voice that held an absolute note, firmness and certainty that struck me like a lightening from a clear, cloudless sky. He had said always and he meant it entirely. However, he pulled me closer and his thumb kept on my lips, just as his intense, dark wells observed them. I swallowed down and in my mind reigned total chaos. Then he spoke and I swear, my heart almost slashed my throat open and whatever coursing in my veins almost suffocated me. "And Anatoly, you need to be careful whenever you voice your feelings at me, because you have a very dangerous way of threatening my already thin control."

His eyes, now burning of dark light, kept staring my mouth and fuck, it was lust what I saw on his face right then.

Powerful and almost scary, predatory lust.

My blood boiled and almost roared in response to that and I damn knew Oleg felt the exact same.

"I need to speak to your parents and I believe you agree now with me." I nodded, because I couldn't utter a single sound. "I can see that you do not understand something, though: you do not understand the fact that you already give me more than I deserve."

"What?" Again. Oleg again thought little of himself and I hated that with all myself. Why he didn't see the incredible man he was? "What the fuck are you talking about? More than you deserve? You give me more than I deserve." At my words his face grew hard at once and the touch on my lips became firmer. "I did things that I don't want to forget about, because it'd be very freaking selfish and convenient, wouldn't it? But I will not forget them. I want to fucking make up for them. I will get even some day," I groaned at him, challenging his penetrating stare.

"Anatoly, almost everybody does mistakes. What really matters is what we decide to do after those mistakes."

"I know and that's why I said that." He smiled at me.

"You already are paying the debts with your conscience."

There was something in the back of those words, as if personal experience made him comprehend my feelings in their wholeness. He had mentioned having done some terrible mistakes or actions many times and many times I tried to guess what that might be. Now, I wanted to know.

"Tell me what happened to you, Oleg," I demanded with now unfaltering and calmer voice. "Tell me because I want to know everything about you."

"Anatoly..." I stopped him.

"Please tell me what happened to you, I want to know. I want to understand why you always think that you deserve so fucking little, why you don't see what kind of incredible man you are."

OLEG POV:

"Tell me what happened to you, Oleg," Anatoly demanded with confident and unwavering eyes, with voice now sounding calmer and more controlled. "Tell me because I want to know everything about you."

"Anatoly..." I tried to say, because it was something that I was not sure would leave things in the same way as they were. But he interrupted me suddenly by placing his hands linked together on my neck.

"Please tell me what happened to you, I want to know. I want to understand why you always think that you deserve so fucking little, why you don't see what kind of incredible man you are."

The moment I looked into those eyes, I knew I would never be able to deny him anything. I fell silent a moment, as my mind recollected all the unpleasant and old memories that I always kept buried away and very deep inside. My hands moved on his and gently untangled his hands from my neck, putting them down. I was not sure what Anatoly would think of me after hearing my story and what I did years ago, but it was also true that he had to know. I took a step of distance between us and he looked confused, but when the first words were spoken, his eyes widened considerably and his breath caught in his throat.

"I almost killed my father with my own hands, Anatoly."

The words slowly and painfully drowned in his brain and after having processed them, his face grew tense and I went to take another step back, to give him space, but once more Anatoly completely surprised me and reacted in a way I had not anticipated. His hand snatched my wrist with what was sudden and barely controlled anger and I did not understand why he felt in such way.

"Don't you dare to pull back from me, Oleg," he muttered between his teeth, covering the distance between us and setting his now burning eyes on me. "What the hell has he done to you?"

His question completely shocked me and it showed on my face, because Anatoly quickly smiled and tangled his fingers with mine.

"Did you think that I would start to freaking run away or doubt you? You talk about trust, yet you are the first that needs to trust me more. I'm not some flimsy, pathetic thing ready to run away at the first harshness. Well, not anymore."

I said nothing to that. Once more, I realised my inacceptable limits when it came to Anatoly and his inner strength. He had grown stronger in the past months and more confident, leaving many fears that taunted in the past years behind him. He kept growing and that I knew. I was not a person to rely on others by nature, but if one day I would ever have to, Anatoly would be that person.

"What happened, Oleg? What did he do to you or what..." I stopped him, because even though my father was an alcoholic that did raise hell in our family and that could not bear his duties as soldier and the consequences for serving our Motherland, what I did could never be justified.

"Let us sit a moment and I will explain you everything." He nodded and we sat on two chairs facing each other at the table of the kitchen, Anatoly observing me intently with his silver-blue eyes never adverting from my face.

So I began the telling of my story and so I gave my entire trust in the hands of this punk. Oddly as it might sound, it felt good and it felt entirely right.

"My father served in the Soviet-Afghan war as Sergeant and he had been sent to the front line for several actions. That war had not been easy for the entire country, especially considering the historical and political facts that followed." I shook my head. "No war is easy or anything that should happen. I can confirm it to you by direct experience." He swallowed down at my words and kept silent, simply observing me and letting me talk. "Do no misunderstand me, though: I had always served my country with great pride and I was proud to be part of such an elite group. However, that war left many consequences and my father could not bear the weight of what happened in there. He started to drink heavily already when on the front line, and when he came back, his habit worsened day after day. My family lived in a very simple and small village in Siberia, far from the main cities and my family was not wealthy; we actually were rather poor and that was one reason I chose to study and serve in the Army soon. I wanted to support my family."

Anatoly kept quiet and many buried memories surfaced in my mind, dancing in front of my eyes. It was in the past, yes.

"I told you what happened to my mother," I explained quickly and he nodded, almost afraid to interrupt me. "It happened when I was a young boy unable to do anything useful, so after that I decided to always help my grandmother around the house. My brother soon left the house to work in the closest city and married at the age of twenty. At the time I was twelve only. We survived with my father's pension for having served in the Army and little more that did not help. He was drunk almost every day and some days, he would wake up in a very violent and unstable mood."

Anatoly clenched his fists and his breathing became rugged and erratic. He had already understood me.

"Did he...?" I nodded at his unfinished question and avoided to deepen the details, because it was not something pleasant for him to hear. He closed his eyes a moment and then, when he re-opened them, he looked very angry.

"Anatoly, are you good?"

"No," he admitted. "Sorry, but it's hard to listen to the fact that he fucking beat you...I...fuck...I..." He shivered in what probably was deep anger and I placed my hand on his.

"It was in the past, Anatoly, and in a way I did the only thing I could do at that time: I tried to shield my younger sister and my grandmother, even if I was a rather useless young boy."

"What happened? What did he do?"

"After my grandmother passed away, my sister had been diagnosed the same as her and we had not enough money to try different therapies. My brother had his family and however, I never wanted to rely on him. I do not have a good relation with my brother, because in my eyes, he had abandoned his family, even though now I can understand he simply followed his own path." Anatoly shook his head at my words, but I continued to explain him. "I asked to be sent to different missions, because it rewarded me with more money."

My hand tightened in a fist then as I recalled what happened: the mine that exploded close to me, my eye almost gone, my ear damaged and then what my father had dared to do. I had buried and repressed everything so deep in my past that now it felt as if a deep cut had been opened once more.

"It is when you got this?" His fingers caressed the scar on my eye and on my face.

"Yes, something went wrong and we found ourselves in a situation that should not have happened. A mine was not far from me and it was triggered. It almost took my eye away and it damaged my ear considerably. As I told you, we did not have much money; therefore I could not do much more than the necessary surgery. But it did not go well." I paused, because it was never easy for me to recall the moment I had realised I could not serve my country any more. Anatoly understood me at first, but stayed silent. "I could not perform my duties as soldier with such wound and my eye almost saw nothing. I worked in the office for a while, then as trainer, but it was not the same, and then I went home for a few days, to see my sister and make sure she was relatively well. My brother often visited and sometimes took her with him and his wife, as I had begged him to do. I could not tolerate the fact that she lived alone with that man."

I sighed at the memory and shook my head.

"However, she sometimes spent time at home. She wanted to help our father. One night, after my coming back home after the failed surgery, we were eating dinner and my father, as usual, was rather drunk and in a very irritable mood. Something happened, my sister made a comment and my father sized her arm. The way she flinched at that triggered something in me and I grabbed his arm intimidating him to let go. I had never been sure, because she never told me anything, but there was pure fear on her pale and very consumed face. He pulled back and began to insult me for being a failure and he probably was right, since it was hard for me to cope with my new life. He was probably right in saying that I had no other talents or skills aside serving as soldier. After over ten years spent in the Army, it was very hard for me to blend into a civilian life. However, my sister made the mistake to defend me, as I knew she was very attached to me."

My eyes closed a moment as it all played in front of them like it was happening all over again. But the burning rage I felt that time had vanished with the years. The impulsiveness of the ire that once possessed me never took hold of me after that; what I felt whenever something happened to Anatoly was a different and new type of rage. It was cold, it was barely controlled and it was set to kill if I had to, set to kill not because blinded by impulsive emotion, but set to kill as firm and aware, taken decision.

"What happened?" Anatoly asked now looking at me with an expression that was a fusion of many contrasting emotions. It was not easy to explain him what kind of man I had been, but as soon as I started to talk, it felt good to bare myself at him. It felt that it was right for him to know me deeply and entirely, even the dark and muddy sides.

"He hit her with such violence that she was thrown on the floor and immediately kicked her and went to hit her more, but I stopped him and I almost killed him. It did not take much to almost kill him, believe me." Anatoly grabbed my forearm and let out a long, very upset groan. "It was known that my father was a violent alcoholic and that he beat his family and the Captain in the unity where I served knew people, because I spent three days in prison only and those days were meant to cool me down and they were never reported anywhere. The Captain told me it was his way to repay his debt with me, since I had saved his life once. He was a man that I had always highly respected, because he served his role with honour and integrity. I deserved to pay, but I must admit that I never felt sorry for having almost killed that man, a man that I deeply resented. Still now there is nothing for me to feel about that." Yet, it had been wrong to act in such way in front of my young sister and unleash my fury on someone that could not defend himself. "For long time I felt as if I had sunk as his same level and that I could not forgive to myself. Anatoly, I deserved to pay for what I did."

"What the fuck are you talking about? You sinking to that level? It's bullshit! It's huge and gigantic bullshit and we both know it. You had a normal reaction and that man had put you all through hell. No wonder you reacted in that way. I would have done the same," Anatoly said with agitated and heated voice, now piercing my eyes with his, as if wanting to nail those words in my mind and heart.

"Anatoly, what I did was wrong. I should not have reacted in such way and after that, my sister somehow avoided me. I think she became somehow afraid of me and I asked my brother to take care of her. He also stopped talking to me after what I did and I did not want to tell him everything that happened. It would have felt as if excusing myself." Anatoly shook his head and I could see he kept silent only out of respect for me, but the anger, the resentment, the shock and the impossibility to believe everything was there written in his eyes.

"Your sister was scared of you?" His voice trembled as he asked. His voice wavered because he was upset and it honestly surprised me.

"Yes and I understood her. She had never seen me in such state. I can understand why she then felt scared of me. It was a normal reaction, Anatoly."

"What the fuc...ughh..." He groaned something out completely frustrated and suddenly stood on his feet, for a moment pacing around the kitchen in evident tension and irritation. "Sorry, I just,God, I can't believe at my ears. I...no wonder you treated me in such way before, no wonder you gave me a taste of my own fucking medicine."

"I simply did not want you to do any mistake that you would regret for your entire life. I know that I had been rather harsh with you, but at the time you had to open your eyes."

"I know. I knew it even then." He sat back and ran his hands nervously in his hair. "Damn, you sure had...Tell me what happened after, please." I let my hand first rest on the back of his neck and then I let it slowly caress his hair. Anatoly needed to relax and so did I. It was not easy to review that once more.

"After that I tried to work in the Army in the office, but it did not work. I had physical conditions due to my eye that prevented me even from being a trainer. My eye kept seeing less and less, and after what happened with my father, I did not feel like I deserved to serve in the Army any more. I left for Novosibirsk and I searched for an occupation there, wanting to sustain the expenses for my sister's therapy and wanting to move on. However, it was hard to cope to that new life, as I could not accept the reality that I could not serve as soldier. It was very pathetic and often the words my father said that night surfaced in my mind: I had been a failure and it seemed like I proved it by not being able to immediately adapt to a new system."

I closed my mouth and silently looked at Anatoly, trying to guess in which way he would react at what I had done there. He kept his eyes firm on mine, waiting for me to say everything. It was evident on his face that many emotions clashed and thundered inside of him, as it was clear that he wanted to say something but tried to keep silent for many reasons.

"An infection developed in my injured eye and I could almost see nothing from it; the infection at first was subsided by antibiotics, but it grew stronger and there was not much I could do, or that I could afford to pay. Anatoly, I sank to an incredible low level as I started to drink, to understand whether it really helped in losing yourself in another life. I had touched the bottom with that and I will always regret it. I will always regret that more than anything else I had done before. It meant that I had failed in who and what I was." Anatoly swallowed down and his eyes widened at those words. The man he thought I was obviously was a man that did not deserve all I received in my life thanks to the Denisov family. I had been pathetically and unbelievably weak. I let out a dry and humourless laugh. "Yes, I did drink a few times and at first it really made me forget, but then it all came back worse and harsher than before and one day I hallucinated I believe, because I saw the reflection of my father in the bottle and that completely disgusted and horrified me. I resented that man and I had almost become like him. I never touched a drop of alcohol after that."

Anatoly stared at the table for a long moment and then he shook my head, also laughing in a rather humourless way.

"You honestly thought that hearing this would make me think less of you?" His hand grabbed my shirt and he pulled us close, our foreheads touching. "You honestly fucking thought this?"

"I simply think that now you can see the man I really am," I answered in a levelled voice.

At my words, he laughed out sounding upset, almost maniacal, throwing his head back a moment. But then he focused his stare on me and it was hard for me to comprehend how he could offer me those emotions and trust.

"I told you already, Oleg: I don't give a fuck about bullshit like being stainless or not being a saint or whatever the hell. I don't care, I honestly don't care. I just...I just can't believe you went through all of this. I just can't believe you survived it in such way and that now you are...fuck Oleg, for me you are even more than before. You are even better, stronger than the man I thought you were." His words hit a hidden string I did not know it belonged to my body and emotions. His words deeply struck my mind and heart. "I'm sorry you went through all of this, I don't know what to say and I don't want to say much because it would be completely useless and out of place. It'd be just empty and stupid words. Thanks for telling me. I'm sorry if I forced you to talk about this, but I wanted to know. But you really need to get this in your impassive and thick skull: you are you, Oleg, and nothing else matters."

I let those words slowly being absorbed by my mind, indulging a moment longer in what they moved in me, in how they resonated in my entire body. I gave him a sincere and open smile. Indeed, Anatoly and I were very similar and our different features possibly made us understand each other on a deeper level. It did sound not rational, but it appeared that rationality did not apply when it came to him.

"I am glad I told you everything, Anatoly," I said holding his eyes and he understood I was entirely sincere. "I am glad that you know about my past."

"Same for me," he said quickly, hiding a shy smile. "Mum and dad told us that they met you in Novosibirsk and that you saved their life. What happened with them? They never really told us all the details."

I smiled at that particular memory. Mr. and Mrs. Denisov were the persons that gave me a chance for a new life.

"Yes, I met your parents in that city. Mr. Denisov was there to visit some friends, but I believe they lost the way and they found themselves in an area of the city that was not very safe. They looked wealthy and three lowlifes approached them with a knife and a gun, wanting to steal. Your father is not a man to be intimidated and as I was not far and realised what was happening, I could see he had placed himself between his wife and the three pieces of trash. I immediately intervened, because it was something that I could not tolerate. Even if I was the shadow of who I used to be, it took little to get rid of those three rats and," I pushed the sleeve of the shirt up, revealing a thick scar. It felt as if a symbol of my profound gratitude. "This I got by shielding Mrs. Denisov. Your parents, Anatoly, gave me an incredible chance and I will always be grateful for what they did for me. Mr. Denisov called an ambulance for me, because he understood something was not good with me. Your parents paid the surgery and treatments that saved my eye. They took me here with all of you and gave me a new life. I mean it when I say that it is an honour to work for and serve your father. It really is. The longer I worked for your father, the deeper I understood what kind of exceptional man he is. I respect your father not out of gratitude; I respect your father for the man he is."

He nodded at my words, having understood their meaning; then he kept silent for a long moment, processing all I had told him. I did not expect him to react how he did and it completely wrong-footed me. I had underestimated Anatoly and what he told me before was right: I had to trust him completely. He had proved it before and after having told him everything, I felt different in a better way. It felt as if I had exposed a very private and delicate part of me, but at the same time, it felt as if peace had finally reached my life. He had completely invaded my life and of that I was deeply glad; of that I was immensely grateful. Baring my soul and inner self to Anatoly increased the attachment and love I felt for him, creating a new and profound connection between us, as if a new and stronger bond had been forged by revealing my dark past.

I had to speak to Mr. and Mrs. Denisov whenever they would give me the chance, because it was clear Anatoly and I had reached a point where things had to be properly settled. I reached for him and he did the same, as our hands touched and connected. He gave me a timid smile and then rested his head on the table, still looking at me.

"Thank you for telling me about you, Oleg," he murmured with quiet voice. "I'm happy that my parents took you here with us." His last words struck another new string and I only nodded. There was nothing of appropriate to say in response to his very precious words, thus I simply inclined my head.

"You must be tired," I told him, because he looked rather drained and pale. He shook his head of course, but I knew he must have been tired. We did not talk about something easy to process, especially after what happened to him last night. I was sure he would soon ask me more questions and I would answer them without hesitation. For now, I believed we needed a break. "I will make something for you."

"I can help," he grunted, rolling his eyes as he pushed himself standing on his feet. "I feel fine."

"Just rest for today and simply keep me company as I prepare something to eat."

He debated whether retort back with some sarcastic comment, but I gave him a rather hard glare that meant to not contradict me. His eyes stubbornly glowered back at me, but then he let out a low groan.

"Fine, not that I have much to say in the matter, right?" I simply smirked my answer and he muttered at me his usual and favourite words. "Annoying bastard."

However, as I turned to go prepare something, he surprised me by hugging me from behind, resting his face on my back.

"Spasiba, Oleg."

"Nieh zha shto, Anatoly."

In the afternoon his friends from school called him, the girl named Viola sounding very worried over the phone and expressing it in a rather loud way. A smile tugged my lips, because I had seen some pictures from last night and I could image the colourful personality of that girl. However, she looked like a good-hearted and very sincere person, and the way she behaved with Anatoly proved it. Anatoly told me how she believed in fairies and then asked me why I had smiled at that: my grandmother believed in "the little people", as she used to call the magic creatures that inhabited children stories. She did not believe in them in the same the girl did, but she always admonished my sister and me to not displease them. That was why in some occasions we left a glass of milk outside the door. I looked at Anatoly and I was certain that my grandmother would have liked him very much.

His other friends quickly visited him, for then leaving very soon. I gave them privacy, but Anatoly asked me to join them. I thanked him, yet still gave them privacy and a moment to talk alone. He understood me and once his friends left, we decided to simply watch a film in the living room I knew was for daily, family use. Anatoly selected an American war film that I had watched some years ago, "Apocalypse Now". It was a rather hard movie in a way, but I always enjoyed it and it was not a surprise to discover that the same applied for Anatoly. We sat on the long couch and he lay long beside me, resting his head on my leg; occasionally he asked me questions about my experience as soldier and Lieutenant or asked me to explain him some details of the film related to that.

Once more that peaceful feeling wrapped around me and I relished into it. My eyes turned to Anatoly and I decided it was time to ask my friend Marlon to help in this school matter; as a private detective, he could access to sources better than I could and I had to discover who was the person that had dared endangering Anatoly's life and balance.

ANATOLY POV:

To say it has been a freaking long day and exhausting day was the statement of the year. It wasn't for what happened to me, but because of what Oleg had told me about his past, about his mistakes that for long time did not want to share with me. And no wonder he didn't want to talk about that...because it must have been hell to go through all of that once more. I was sorry in a way that I pushed him to talk, like some annoying brat, but I wanted to know.

Never my mind could have imagined such things happened to him and by being around him, I could have only guessed that somehow he had a hard life before being welcomed in our family. But I had never thought he lived through such hell and what mostly amazed me, was the fact that Oleg never complained about that. Oleg clearly thought he had received a lot from life, with being able to serve as Spetsnaz, having had a person like his grandmother when he was a child, meeting my parents and working for my father. It also surprised me that instead of bending him, all the shit that happened forged him in a stronger, unbreakable man that held firm principles.

Indeed Oleg was probably the only person that could understand me completely, just like I could understand him. We both had our share of shit, but he experienced something so wrecked and wrong for so many years...I felt like a stupid, spoilt brat if compared to him. Hearing about his past made me love him even more; it made me respect him and admire him even more than I already did.

The mere thought of him considering himself a failure for not being immediately able to cope with a different system of life, considering how proud he was of serving in the Army, putting his life at risk each time he went for a mission, threatened my temper to reach very high temperatures. When he told me that he thought he had sunk to his father's level, damn, I had to count to a million to avoid exploding. That was purely fucked-up and a gigantic non-sense.

I felt like ripping everything in pieces as he kept talking with his neutral and emotionless voice, revealing a shred of emotions only very rarely, for anyway repressing it immediately. Of course he had buried everything in the freaking past, because who would want to dwell on such shit? I couldn't believe his brother and sister did not talk to him, that she was scared of him, after having protect her for such long time...it made no sense for me. My mouth kept shut only out of respect for him, because in my mind all sort of insults and curses were thundering very loud and viciously. However, it was his family and I had never met them. I had no right whatsoever of insulting or judging them. Exception made for that piece of shit that was supposed to be his father.

I couldn't believe at what he told me, at what he must have endured for many years.

I had never been really scared of Oleg, not even when he gave me the treatment I needed and deserved. He intimidated me, in the sense that his presence made me feel like I had to respect him and do as he said, but he never really frightened me. After having heard about his past, it was damn clear why he behaved in such way with me. I honestly understood why he did it and I silently thanked every God up there for having stuck Oleg to me then.

But what mostly pissed me off and made me feel like screaming till my throat and lungs bled, was the fact that he honestly thought of himself as lesser man for what he did. The more he told, the more I thought Oleg was even better and stronger than I already thought. What the hell was wrong in his mind? Shit, Oleg was an incredible man that deserved unbreakable respect and everything damn good thing life could offer; no wonder my father took him with us. It didn't surprise me at all. I happy he decided to tell me everything. I couldn't really bring myself to admit it aloud, for I only thanked him, but he had understood how I felt. My eyes indulged on him and he felt them, because he shifted his dark gaze on me with a silent question.

When the movie ended, I decided that we needed a break out of the house and for once, he agreed with me. Of course he didn't let me drive my babe, even if I felt better. I asked him to go eat something out, as some fresh air was what my mind and body required. We went by his car and fuck, really this man enjoyed speed. Once we reached a quiet and comfortable pub, he had made sure to explain that I needed light and healthy food and the waiter pretty much paled down at the tone of his voice and with all chances, made sure nothing went wrong with the cooking, afraid this man here would hunt him down. I just snorted slightly annoyed at how he fussed about me, but let it go. He was right in saying I needed light food, especially after having spent my night facing a toilet.

"I'm fine, I was just thinking about what you told me," I explained him, as I went to cut a piece of steak and of boiled potatoes.

"I can imagine it is not immediate to process everything," he only said and I shook my head. "What is it, Anatoly?"

"It's not about that, but about your sister and brother...I just don't understand them, but they are your family and I do not want to say anything about them."

He had told me that she died a few years ago, right before he left Russia. She had a rare form of cancer that left her no hope whatsoever. His father died four years ago out of drinking, as with all chances his liver just gave in. I couldn't care less about that sick motherfucker. It was clear Oleg resented and possibly hated that man and I understood him completely. He might have regretted doing what he did, but I knew that I would have reacted in the same way if I were in the same position. I also knew that, exactly like Oleg, I wouldn't feel half sorry about that. The idea of that rat hitting him when he was only a kid, argh! My hand ruffled my hair and he eyed me raising one brow.

"What is it?"

"I thought about your father," I hissed that word out from my teeth, almost spitting it out coated in venom. "I cannot believe what he did to you and sorry, I just hate the idea of somehow hurting you." His eyes assessed me in his usual composed way for a moment and then his hand cupped the back of my neck.

"Thank you, Anatoly." I shook my head at those words. "However, all is in the past. I hated that man, but now I feel nothing."

I held his gaze and then concentrated on my food. What could I say of smart or appropriate in that moment? Nothing much, as he had read into me everything passing by my mind. I didn't need to voice my thoughts out. Oleg was aware that more questions pressed in my minds, but for the moment I managed to keep them quiet. I had pushed him enough for today and considering what happened last night...yeah, no doubts we both had enough for a one day. But him telling me such things made me feel as if I held a rather special place in him and after what he had told me in the kitchen, before exposing his past...Oleg and I somehow always felt the same overwhelming emotions, we understood each other.

Of course he had also felt the desire almost suffocating my body and mind, sensing that I wanted to feel physically closer to him. It wasn't mere and empty sexual need; it was something way different. I wanted to feel more connected to him, on an emotional and physical level. He felt the same and that had been damn clear and out when we spoke in the kitchen. Fuck, the way he touched my lips, I swallowed down as my blood slowly simmered in my veins at the thought, as I felt growing hard, as my breath became shallow. I wanted him and he wanted me in the same way.

"Anatoly?" He asked studying my eyes and in one quick look he had grasped everything. I looked away and his words fuelled me even more. "I feel the same, Anatoly." My eyes turned back and met his: I could feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and the room starting to compress around us. People around us disappeared, as his eyes held an intensity that only made me want for more, pulling deeper into his inner world. My hand moved on his forearm and I was choking in my desire, drowning in his desire. "Anatoly, do not shred my control thinner than this. I mean it."

I pulled back and still felt my blood boiling in my veins, thundering in my head. I still felt starving to feel this man, still impossibly hard and excited.

I was not sure I did not want to see how more it was possible to shred his control.

Fuck. Tearing up his control and restraints: the mere idea shot wild and adrenaline-filled excitement in my entire body.

"I'll try to behave," I said with strained voice, but I wasn't sure I would really strive hard in that. He searched in my eyes and it was obvious he had read into me quite easily and a smirk that did nothing to help formed on his lips. Of course the bastard enjoyed in seeing me in this pathetic state, but at least I could silently gloat at the thought that it wasn't easy one bit for him, too.

We quietly finished dinner, simply talking about different things than before; I showed more pictures from last night, as Viola and Adrian had sent them to me. V wrote me a message saying that the jerk she obviously liked had enquired about me. Either she had drunk a bit of that shit with me, or he had drunk that shit and it went straight to his brain. Or...I massaged my forehead while I considered the third and pretty much evident option: Sergey liked Viola to a point that his asshole self was starting to crumble. Had she been right about him? Was it really that he was a gigantic coward that had no idea how to actually behave in his real, true self? The idea didn't seem too weird, all considered and Oleg gave me a questioning look as I chuckled out quietly.

"I think that asshole of Sergey likes Viola and I mean, really likes her. I warned him, even though I'm sure Adrian is keeping his eyes very open about that, but don't know, he told me that he's an asshole, but not that much of an asshole, and it's starting to make sense to me after last night."

"It is very evident in a picture that you showed me." I lifted both my brows in a mute question and he explained. "The one she took in his company against that Halloween photo-set. He shows a forced annoyed face, but the way his arms curved around her and the way his body accommodated to her figure say something different. I have heard from Mr. Denisov that Mr. Lebedev's son seems to finally start to mature. A person with the qualities and behaviour of your friend can do miracles in some cases. His father disciplines him with hard rules and strictness, which is correct for how he behaved, but I believe your friend somehow disciplines him with unexpected kindness and the enthusiasm of a very sincere heart. There is not one method only that works for everything. Yet, I would have preferred to discipline him directly," he said as an eerie, intimidating light crossed his eyes for a brief moment. "But it was out of my hands and however, the right goes to his parents. It appears to me that Mr. Lebedev is doing a rather impeccable job."

I swallowed down, as it became obvious that Oleg hadn't yet digested what happened with that idiot and how he definitely minded to not having been the one to directly deal with him. He must have been a hell of a soldier and Lieutenant when he was in the Army.

"You were strict as Lieutenant, correct?"

"I made sure that whoever was under my command and supervision followed the rules and behaved honourably and rightly. Whoever decided to break such rules faced direct consequences coming from me and believe me, only a few had dared such, mightily regretting it." I felt my mouth dry at the raw power emanating from this man, at how his mere presence was enough to command absolute respect, because I had no freaking doubts about the fact that he was highly respected.

"Yeah, I can imagine that," I commented, mostly to myself, and once more our eyes locked together, letting that charged silence fill the space surrounding us. I managed to tear my gaze away, because it was all too clear how eager I was.

Oleg drove us back home and for a moment I debated whether to leave him alone or not, but he read into me, my stupid doubts lamely on display on my face, and obviously let me deal with that in his usual way.

"If you want something Anatoly, just say it to me."

"You know what I want to ask," I grunted and he simply kept staring at me with that dark smirk that excited and irritated me at the same time. He waited for me to openly ask. Bastard. "Can we stay together tonight? Or do you prefer to be alone?"

Oleg turned around giving me his back and for a moment my temper flared, but I should have known better than immediately get annoyed. He talked to me as he went to walk the stairs down to his room, halting a moment to set his piercing stare on me.

"I prefer to spend time with you tonight, rather than alone." My feet took me to him without much need to connect my brain. "Would you mind if I train for some time? After what happened last night, I feel the need for it."

I shook my head and decided that I would try to read while he trained, if that was going to be remotely possible for me.

It turned out that it was not very easy for me to concentrate on the book while that beast of a man trained right in front of my eyes, first massacring the punching bag in a rather hard but damn hot boxing session, and then lifting weights. My eyes couldn't peel away from his tattooed and sweat covered muscles straining and shifting when he trained and moved around; I had questions about those tattoos, but for now I couldn't care less about that. Oleg was powerful, almost merciless whenever he hit the bag, threatening to tear it open at each punch or hook, whenever he lifted the barbell carrying so much weight that I wondered how that was possible, seeing his muscles vibrating in the motion of it, contracting and expanding.

I couldn't tear my eyes away even if I wanted to and I sure didn't want to. He felt my blatant and rather pathetic staring, but he kept training as if it didn't affect him. However, at one point he stopped, going to take a shower but first, he stopped right in front of me half-naked. I tried not to gawk even more, but he braced his hands on the pillow I lay on. His smell mixed with fresh sweat was about to drive me insane and the fact his eyes assessed mine silently didn't help one freaking bit.

Fuck.

I wanted him.

"Anatoly, you did not make it very easy for me," he said with apparent calm voice, even though it held a very raw and dark note.

"What do you mean?" I asked staring right back at him, not wanting to feel overwhelmed by his commanding presence; by the way he held my look.

"The same suffocating desire and burning excitement you feel, the same need to be physical closer and more connected, Anatoly, I feel it, too. The way you stared at me before made it rather challenging to continue on training; I had to remind myself of my position and role, of the fact I must speak with Mr. and Mrs. Denisov whenever they will grant me their time." His voice had grown rawer, deeper and fuck me, it triggered something into me that was about to step over that line that we had tried so hard to not cross. "Anatoly," he said with firm tone, but my hand instinctively reached for his hair, now slightly sweaty and I took a deep breath trying to calm down. Hopelessly, of course. "Anatoly," he said once more, pulling back, but I stopped him.

"Don't pull back, Oleg."

"I must speak with your parents, Anatoly, and so do you. It would feel wrong for me to act behind their backs and I want them to know how I feel about you. Do you understand me?"

"I do understand you completely and I know it's the right thing, since I also realised I wanted to talk to them, because I don't want to hide anything from them anymore." We stared at each other longer, in complete, pulsing silence. The smell of his skin hit me once more and I swallowed down, my skin itched to feel his, inching closer to him. "But it doesn't change the fact that right now I want to touch you. I don't want to do more than that, I just want to touch you."

Oleg for a moment said nothing, remaining motionless still hovering above me, with his arms on each side of my head. But I noticed then how his hands grabbed the pillow, as if wanting to crush it and awareness hit me: he was trying to restrain and control himself. I pushed myself up and touched his forehead with mine, deeply inhaling his smell, daring then my nose slowly draw the length of his neck...fuuuck...I heard him repressing a very low and feral growl and I was rock-hard in no time, my blood suddenly pulsing in some crazed frenzy, completely obliterating any shred of rationality. One of my hands remained on his hair and the other went on his bicep and my nails dug into his pulsing and hard flesh. Oleg pulled back a moment only to stare at me and what I saw on his eyes kicked the breath out of me.

He kept there, as if assessing me as he elaborated whatever was going on in his mind, trying to find his usual composure and calm, but something must have triggered in him, because in an instant I found myself completely flat on the bed and him completely lingering over me, blocking both of my wrists in a strong and unyielding grip. Fuck. Blood rushed crazier in me and I was breathing heavier, wanting nothing more than touch him. I tried to tug my hands free, but without success.

"Anatoly," he said with such strained voice that everything in my body tightened at the sound of it. He pressed closer and I growled out feeling that Oleg, exactly like me, was damn hard. "Anatoly I told you many times not to toy or threaten my very thin control. I cannot bring myself to go further and you are making it very difficult. You are making it almost impossible." There was a not-subtle tone of warning in his words, but in that moment it only excited me even more.

"I only want to be closer to you, to touch you. I know that," I dropped completely and utterly silence as my body for a moment froze under him and then completely melted.

I think my mind almost broke in infinite fragments of insanity and different emotions as Oleg pinned me there with the same look of this afternoon and again, his let his fingers touch my lips, slowly, painfully slowly and with careful gentleness. He leaned closer to me enough to share the same breath and my heart by now was thundering so fast in my chest that it echoed in my throat, in my mind. Something reverberated in my entire body and a shiver that had nothing to do with cold travelled my spine. His face pulled back of an inch, but his thumb didn't leave my lips.

"I had never kissed anybody, not in this way," he told me and at those words, my free hand cupped the side of his face. This man always managed to leave me completely wordless. "I never wanted to connect with anybody in this deep way, because a kiss always seemed to me too personal, too private, a very intimate gesture that would bare your heart and body starker than mere sex."

For a moment, I felt as if almost invisible and brief fear took hold of my heart, after hearing those words, but...

"You still feel the same?" I had to ask it and I had to know, even if he had confirmed it to me already many times. Oleg softly smiled at my request and, for a couple of seconds he only let his finger caress my lower lip.

"No and I am sure you already know it. I never wanted it before and I never needed to feel such closeness, but believe me: it all completely turned and changed here with you."

My mind went blank because there wasn't anything I could say to his words. I slowly comprehended the complex nature of Oleg, even though I was sure he had more than what I discovered. I slowly came to finally understand that he was very gentle. The bastard might be very rough, annoyingly impassive and emotionless, harsh and inflexibly severe at times, yeah...it could be all of this and much more. He could completely blow my mind and heart away by telling me such things, by revealing me very private sides of him.

He had never kissed, never shared something so intimate and precious with anyone. Yeah, I somehow understood him then; even if I had kissed before, I knew it pretty much meant nothing to me. I never craved for such apparently simple and child-like gesture, but his words hit me completely and I understood their sense.

"It looks like you understand what I mean," he said, now looking at me in a way that made my blood hiss.

OLEG POV:

"I had never kissed anybody, not in this way," I admitted to him, as I never wanted to share such precious gesture with anybody. Not until now and the way he had ravenously run my body with his eyes made my strings snap. His hand rested on the side of my face and his touch was warm. I indulged into it for a moment, cherishing it. He looked rather surprised at my words, so I explained more. "I never wanted to connect with anybody in this deep way, because a kiss always seemed to me too personal, too private, a very intimate gesture that would bare your heart and body starker than mere sex."

Something travelled his silvery blue eyes, crossing his face and I knew at once it was hidden fear that I might still not want to, but then he seemed to remember our former discussions.

"You still feel the same?" He however asked, obviously needing further confirmation and reassurance. I think that soon enough we might be able to reach a point where all the insecurities would be left behind. I stared at me silently, touching his warm and soft lips with my fingers. I had never reached or cared for such proximity and right then it was intoxicating me. It invited me to reach for much more.

"No and I am sure you already know it. I never wanted it before and I never needed to feel such closeness, but believe me: it all completely turned and changed here with you," I told him with apparent levelled but firm voice, to make him understand I meant every word.

Anatoly remained quiet, his eyes roaming my face as he thought about what I just said. He moved his gaze on my lips and he swallowed down, seeing that he was taking deeper breaths. His eyes snapped back at me and it was clear in them he had grasped the sense of my words.

"It looks like you understand what I mean," I said, assessing his face, still touching his lips.

What Anatoly felt reverberated inside of me and I could not look away from his face; I could not bring myself from stopping caressing his lips that allured me closer, wanting to connect on a deeper level, trying to imagine how it would feel to share a kiss with this punk here. He tried to close the little distance between us, but I pulled away, as the way his eyes kept staring me threatened to tear my control. It was already slipping far-off from me, slowly ripping apart, and I could feel that my desire was about to overwhelm me completely, trying to engulf my rational side.

Anatoly kept his eyes on mine and they were so filled with such devastating and intense emotions that I felt myself leaning closer to him, in need of tasting those lips, in need of more closeness.

My lips gave his a very slow, controlled and somehow soft peck, while my entire body relished and savoured that intimate and very personal touch. As we shared one breath and our lips connected, as our eyes lost into one another's, searching in our inner selves, I knew that Anatoly was and always was going to be the only person I could and would share such delicate and special intimacy. I was also aware that this had shattered my control and restrained, and I was not entirely sure for how long I could keep my devouring and demanding desire on a leash.

I felt his breath on my mouth, his eyes wide and lost in mine; I had no idea that a tender kiss could make me feel so alive, so close to him. It drove and lured me for more and I obliged to such instinct, not able to stop, even if that would have been the most rational and correct action to take, but his lips felt very warm and so I pressed mine harder, savouring his reaction as his hands took rather rough hold of my hair and of my skin. I moved on him following his little shifts, accommodating his body, and when he responded to my kiss, something snapped inside of me. The tentative, slow and rather tender kiss grew in want and intensity, as we both felt our restrains being break by this sudden and unexpected closeness.

His body arched into me as we deepened our touch and the moment his tongue tangled with mine, a feral and very primal need coursed in my veins, forming a low growl of pure craving, our desire fusing together and driving us to cross whatever line we tried not to for long time.

I desired and needed more of Anatoly. I desired to have him entirely and only for me, to feel his touch on me, to deepen my tongue in his warm mouth, to have everything of him. Anatoly suddenly made to push me on my back and I did not resist, because feeling him leaning on my pulsing muscles, his erection throbbing against me only fuelled me even more, sending me harder than I already was. I could not contain the raw groan that echoed in him and I could not restrain from taking strong and rather ravenous hold of his ass, pulling him closer to me, wanting to make him feel how he drove my entire body wild with desire. He growled when he realized how hard I was.

This punk here was driving me over the verge of my limits, drowning my body and my mind in blind and untamed excitement, dangerously pulling my strings more and more.

We deepened the kiss and we lost ourselves into it, fusing our mouths and breaths, feeling his now feverish and sweat skin on mine, seizing his hair in my fingers. I desired more and the same was for Anatoly, as he demanded for more with his lips, hands, tongue. We were about to lose the last drop of necessary restrain and as my blood sang in answer to the intensity of our kiss and my body commanded for more, much more, I opened my eyes and painfully broke away from his lips.

I could not allow it to go further. It would have not been fair and correct, and in fact I had already stepped over a limit that I should have not. But, as we shared another soft smile and touch of lips, I understood that after having bared ourselves to one another as we did, this was a further bond, both physical and mental, that we both needed. I was really glad that Anatoly had wanted to invade and completely outturn my life.

ANATOLY POV:

I leaned closer to him, wanting to touch those lips, but he pulled away. We shared another silent and electrified stare and my heart thundered faster, along with my blood, as Oleg slowly slipped closer. His lips softly and slowly touched mine and it felt as if my entire body had been slowly and gently caressed by him; his eyes kept locked on mine, studying my face, my reactions.

His lips caressed mine another time, still softly, but more decisively, making me feel them more...savouring them more on my mouth that until then dared not to do anything. But as his lips felt more assertive on mine, my hand moved on his hair and the other snaked around his powerful back, suddenly left free as Oleg braced one hand beside my head and the other tangled in my hair, my lips responded to the kiss and I think everything in me burned and then melted. They felt hard and very warm, pulsing against mine, somehow rough as everything in Oleg was somehow rough, but gentle.

My eyes closed lost in that kiss, in the way our lips moved on each other, how they nibbled and teased each other, slowly feeling one another, slowly driving me insane, slowly incensing my desire and love for Oleg.

I grabbed his hair harder and felt him respond to it with a harder touch on my lips, as our kissed deepened and we both wanted more. I bit his lower and hard lip out of very slow burning pleasure, and we wanted more. His fingers knotted in my hair with more assertion and his other hand went to grab mine, intertwining our fingers together. Our tongues touched and grazed and a guttural groan left my throat, reverberating in his mouth. Oleg tightened the grip on my fingers and as our tongues began to tangle together, and as our lips connected harder, as our kissed deepened more and more, our breathings becoming heavier and erratic, as the intensity of our kiss threatened to drive us crazy, Oleg growled in my mouth, seizing my tongue and mouth for a searing and mind-shredding kiss.

We almost fucking lost it as I was completely flat under him, grinding on him and feeling his hardness, Oleg strengthening the hold on my hair and now seizing my wrist with his other hand, pressing harder on me. The slow and first very gentle kiss little by little became more intense, wanting for more, deepening, exposing our souls and emotions completely. From the way he drove me out of mind and from the way he almost possessed my mouth, I couldn't believe he had never kissed, yet it was there and I loved it very much. It drove me insane even more, if that was still possible.

Suddenly I pushed him back and the overwhelming pleasure was so wild in me that I found the strength to shove him on his back, going over him, straddling him, as my hands now took hold of his wrists. Oleg groaned out as we became hungrier for each other, wanting to taste more of each other. Fuck. That had been the most exciting sound I heard and it fuelled me more. I felt his muscles strain and contract at my touch, feeling them fucking strong and pulsing against me. He felt so damn powerful and hard; damn, only kissing this man was about to shutter my mind into madness. I pushed my tongue deeper in his mouth, dying at the taste of it, growling at the pleasure now uncontrollably riding my body. I deepened the kiss, but Oleg tore free from my hands and the lust filled look he shot me as we broke our kiss for an instant made me shudder in wanting more.

He got rid of my tee shirt in a rather feral and quick move, letting me no time to react as his hand locked in my hair once more pulling my lips on his. Our tongues danced, tangled and untangled, deepening in some wild and crazed frenzy, as our skins touched, feeling his burning and slick with sweat, just like mine. My fingers dug in his short hair and in his arm, wanting to feel his muscles, wanting to touch more of him...roaming his shoulder, his side, feeling him shift under my feverish touch...our mouths connected more and the intensity of our kiss grew more feral, completely primal, his touch grew ravenous...I felt him shudder under me in what was blind excitement and pure lust, and then his hands seized my ass in such a way that I groaned in his mouth, biting his tongue, as he pulled me up, letting our hard members stroke.

He pushed himself up, in a sitting position, and then tore away from my mouth, breathing heavily and looking at me with such raw and commanding intensity that my muscles knotted at that. His eyes closed a moment and I could see his tattooed chest rising and lowering in deep and long breaths. Then his hands cupped my face and our foreheads touched, very softly, very gently. Oleg was trying to regain back his control and so was I, because yeah, first I wanted to settle things. He was right.

Shit, I hadn't expected to lose it this much, but with him...argh, Oleg indeed could easily turn me insane and I held the same power on him. Then it hit me. We had kissed.

I couldn't believe that we had just kissed; I couldn't believe that it had been Oleg to first touching my lips, but he really did.

"Anatoly," he breathed on my lips with strained voice that tried to find its usual composure. "Anatoly, this was the reason I told you not to test my restraints because I know how I feel with you."

"I feel the same," I admitted, hearing my voice sounding very raw and low. "I only wanted to touch you, but I freaking lost it as I felt your lips and," he stopped me.

"Anatoly, I am trying to regain the necessary calm, so do not trigger me again," he told me with hard voice as his eyes held mine. I nodded and then gave his lips a very soft and tender kiss. He smiled at that and responded to my touch, his lips still tugged into a very kind and warm smile. I loved that smile on him. "Thank you, Anatoly," he said, brushing his lips on mine, his nose on my nose. Oleg understood that with that gesture I had tried to calm us down.

His hands slipped around my naked back and lazily let his fingers trace lines on my muscles, as if it somehow relaxed him. It sure made me like closing my eyes and savouring that delicate contact, and my head went to rest on the space between his shoulder and neck. We stayed like this for some time, him caressing my naked back, me drawing imaginary lines on his, blindly following the lines of his tattoos. Our breathings and hearts levelled down and he pulled back.

"Spasiba, Anatoly," he said and I didn't understand what he meant. "You listened to me and yet, you welcomed me deeper into your heart. You bring me peace, Anatoly." He first smiled and then a very stirring smirk replaced the smile. "Even if you enjoy playing and obviously breaking my control, you still bring peace into me." I didn't know what to say and I had to look away for that old shyness surfaced at his last few words; but then I forced my eyes back at him and tried to say what pressed in my mind and heart...but I still couldn't. Oleg caught my thoughts immediately and only caressed my hair. "I know how you feel because it is how I feel." I nodded at his words and I cursed myself in my mind for being such a useless brat. "I will take a shower."

I chuckled at that, feeling suddenly lighter. He knew that I needed to be distracted by my own thoughts. I would tell him soon, when I would be ready to completely voice out what was in me.

"Yeah, we got somehow carried away," I said moving away from him.

"Indeed," he replied as he got on his feet and went to strip completely before stepping into the bathroom. I groaned out and he looked at me. "What?"

"I barely managed to calm down, and you doing that in front of me doesn't help one freaking bit," I admitted and I couldn't care less if I sounded desperate or whatever the hell. This man naked in front of me would drive me berserk. He thought about that a moment and once more that sadistic, dark smirk rose on his face. "Just go to freaking shower already," I grunted out.

Oleg chuckled and mercifully kept the few pieces of clothes he had on until he reached his bathroom. I steamed out by reading, but after having followed the broad and powerful figure of Oleg walking to the bathroom, showing his inked and burly back, my eyes fell on the tattoo on my forearm and I knew that I did not want to delete it. I wanted to actually completely cover it with another one and I already knew which one it had to be, as if a symbol of what had happened before and what had entirely and radically changed it then.

Author's chit-chat:

I believe you now all understand why Oleg and Anatoly had to wait before sharing a kiss. It could not be done any earlier than this. For them it has a deeper and different meaning than it had for Travis and Alexi, or Jasper and Dima, even Shane and Emmett. It has a very specific meaning for them.

Did you imagine it would happen in this way?

It was difficult to write the past part of the chapter, especially under OLEG POV, because he's a challenging character. He does not open up to emotions in the same way Anatoly does and so it took some time.

What do you think of Oleg's past? How do you feel about that? Have you imagined something similar?

Now, I might not be able to post next week because I will be away for a few days, but I will try my best :-)

Let me know what you think of this chapter! Once more, thank you for your support!

Lots of love, magic, hugs and Meows,

-TheWitchAndTheCat-