Today
Is it wrong to hate someone simply because they are happy?
Of course it is. The bitchy voice inside my head tells me how disgusting it is that I could think such thoughts.
You'll pay for that. You deserve to pay for that. They are happy because they are a good person; you are not.
I try to be a good person. I promise I do. I try to talk to people who are alone and I try not to think anything bad of people, because I've always believed that you can't judge someone unless you know their life story. You shouldn't even open your mouth to say something anything less than kind to someone you don't know. One time a boy moved to my school, and he was a little odd. I talked to him because he was in one of my classes and he didn't know anyone. I found out that his Mom had just died, and he'd moved here for a fresh start. A few days later, some stupid girls who think they are the most amazing people in the world just because they had good looks started laughing at him, mocking him. He pretended not to care but I know for a fact that no matter who you are, if you are going through pain then you are vulnerable to even the slightest thing upsetting you and ruining your week.
I hate girls like that.
I wanted to scream at them and tell them that they don't know his life so they have no right to act cocky just because they have given themselves the social status of popular. If popular is what you are, that doesn't mean you can be mean. If you are fucking popular, then use it for something good. Be nice to people. Encourage your dickhead friends to be nice to people. Or just let people be. It's not hard.
"You look like you're planning a murder," Jace laughs, falling down on the grass beside me. His blue eyes glitter from the sun and I feel a warmth inside of me.
"I'm just thinking."
"That's dangerous."
I look back at the group of girls and boys I was staring at. They all laugh and throw food at each other; a couple are hugging and smiling. It makes me sad.
"What's on your mind?"
"Everything."
Jace tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and I close my eyes, breathing in the warm air and the peaceful sound of the birds and students talking. "You not hungry?"
"Kinda, but I just want to sit here alone." Don't get me wrong, I love food. I'm obsessed, even, but I'd rather give it up on days like these where I just want to be alone with my thoughts instead of going inside to get food and seeing my friends and brothers, because I wouldn't get back out.
"Is that your nice way of telling me to fuck off?"
"If I wanted you to fuck off then I'd straight up tell you to fuck off."
"That's true," he laughs and I almost catch myself smiling from the sight of his smiley face. Pathetic. You still have feelings for a boy who broke your heart. A boy who proved that he does not share the same feelings you do.
"Just leave if you want," I turn my head away from his direction.
"Woah, what's with you suddenly going cold on me?"
"I'm just tired."
"You're always fucking tired."
"Is it a crime to be tired?"
He rolls his eyes, reaching into his bag. "You're a brat when you're hungry." He pulls out a chocolate bar, breaking off some and handing it to me.
"You just became my favourite person," I grin, taking the chocolate and guzzling it down.
"Don't pretend I wasn't already."
What he just said affects me more than it should, and my smile momentarily falls while I slowly chew the rest of the chocolate.
"I can't wait to leave this place."
"At least you're graduating soon and never have to come back here. You lucky fuck."
"Except then I'm going to college," he sighs, leaning back against the tree. "At least I'll meet a shit ton of college girls."
"Well, it's not like you'd except to find high school girls in college."
"You know what? I'll really miss this place. The sound of the birds and your sweet sarcasm. I will definitely miss that."
"You really will." I scoot around to face him, taking more chocolate from him. "You'll just be sitting in class and you'll go fucking crazy because you don't have the therapy that is my voice."
"As soon as I start missing your annoyance, I will be sure to text you."
"You do that." The thing i've been trying to avoid happening happens as my hand reaches into my bag without thinking about what i'm doing and I pull out my clear water bottle containing lemonade and vodka. As soon as the burning contents are poured down my throat, I already feel my whole body relax.
"I don't get it." Jace voices his unneeded observations. "If you drink 'cause of the stress of school or life in general, why not just smoke? It works great."
"I don't really drink 'cause of stress. I just... I like myself a lot more when i'm drinking. It's easier to socialise and feel happier. When i'm sober i'm so... bored."
"Zac Efron got addicted to alcohol because it made social events easier, then just made everyday life easier. You're seriously heading down a road of addiction."
"I didn't know you were a secret mega fan of Zac Efron."
"Please, it's hard not to notice when a celebrity has become an alcoholic."
"You can't really say that i'm heading down a road of addiction when you are already addicted to smoking."
"I don't let it control me though."
"Alcohol doesn't control me."
"You crave it all the time and think you're better with it."
"I could stop drinking if I wanted to. I just don't want to."
"Prove it and stop drinking for a month then."
I laugh, "I'm not stupid." Putting the bottle back in my bag – too distracted by him being an annoying prick to think about alcohol – I get up and walk inside the school building.
+++
"Who's the girl?" I ask Ray as he separates from the girl he was walking with and I catch up to him.
"Someone I can't stand."
"So, she's a nice, normal human being, right?"
"Same thing."
I nod, opening the backseat door of Santiago's car. Ray gets into the passenger seat and we all wait for Val.
"I need doughnuts."
"Get a car and drive yourself to S&S," Santi says with an annoying smile.
Ugh, Sand and Shakes. My favourite place in the world.
"I'd need my license first, which I can't get because none of you will give me lessons."
"Good thing I can drive," Val shows off, getting in beside me. "Santiago, let me borrow your c-"
"No."
"How am I supposed to afford a car now that Mom cut our allowances down to like nothing?"
"Get a job," Ray says.
"That's not an option."
"Work at Sand 'n' Shakes with Montana," I gasp. "You could get employee discount!"
"No way. That's fuckin' embarrassing."
"Since when do you care what people think?"
"I mean it will be embarrassing when Montana finds out. She'll take the piss out of me even though she works there."
My phone buzzes and I take it from my jacket pocket, not listening to whatever Ray said that made Val rant.
Wesley Found a cool house party to go to tonight. U in?
Me Yeah :)
Wesley Pick u up at 8 ;)
I don't know what it is about Wesley that gives me butterflies in my stomach. He's like every guy friend I have. Party animal; hot and sexy, except he's Max's best friend. Why is it always my brothers best friend?
Maybe it's just the fact that I see him so much and we've formed a close bond, and I've seen him naked too many times to only see him as anything like a brother.
As soon as we're home, I go get dressed into black shorts and a black net top with my black bra underneath. People make a big deal out of showing too much skin, but I don't see what's wrong with it. I like it when guys stare at me and think i'm hot. Is that so bad?
While i'm applying makeup, my door opens and Alex is revealed standing in my doorway. "Don't expect me to pick you up tonight."
"Whyyyy?"
"I'm drinking, so don't call me."
"Where you going?" Jace says from behind him and comes in, sitting on my bed.
"Out."
"Alone?"
"Obviously not."
"With Wesley, no doubt." Alex rolls his eyes. "Is Max going?"
"He has other plans."
"I wouldn't mind going to a party," Jace pretends to think.
"We already are, idiot," Alex shakes his head.
Jace picks up a pillow from my bed and throws it at him. "Thanks for reminding me never to ask you to be my wingman."
"Would you morons get out?" I stand up, picking up a bottle of red nail polish.
"Nope," Jace smiles. I give him a fake smile back, then untwist the nail polish lid behind my back. Before he can stop me I'm jumping on my bed and making a big red streak down his face with the polish. "Yasmin!"
I laugh, trying to put it on him again but he grabs my arm to stop me. Alex leaves while we battle over the nail polish.
"Yasmin!" Carlos yells from downstairs. "Wes is here!"
I jump off my bed, going to the mirror to check how I look and quickly applying lip gloss. Jace watches closely and I see in the mirror that his eyes are focussed directly on my breasts that are popping out of my bra.
"Why do you hang out with that guy? He seems dodgy."
"He's Max and I's friend. He's not dodgy."
"Seems dodgy."
"K. Whatever." I slip my feet into my white sneakers. I can dress up and all that but i'm not the high heels type of girl.
"Maybe i'll stop by the house you're at later."
"Why would you do that?"
"Staying in one place is boring," he shrugs.
I walk to my door, slipping my phone into my shorts pocket. "Well, good luck on trying not to catch an STD."
"Don't worry, I'm secure." He whips out a condom from his pocket, smiling proudly. "Good luck on not getting pregnant."
"Birth control is a thing." I turn off the light at the same time Jace's smile disappears and start walking down the hall.
"When did you get on birth control? Why didn't I know?"
I burst out laughing, not bothering to turn around. "Why would I tell you?"
"Because we're besties?"
At the bottom of the stairs I find Wesley – looking his usual sexy self – talking to Carlos. "Hey," I say in a weird nervous tone. What's wrong with me? I sound like a virgin on her first date. Not that there's anything wrong with that – that's just not me at all.
"Try not to blush too much," Ray says from the table and I shoot him a glare.
"Ready to go?" Wesley asks, his eyes trailing down my body. It's then that I feel nervous and only just start wondering if we're going to this party alone.
"Yeah... Is Brooke or Kyle coming?"
"They're busy. You comin'?" He turns around and walks to the door and I panic. Clearing my throat to get Ray's attention, I give him a please come look. He just shakes his head so I do it again but more intense until he puts his phone down, sighing.
"Give me a ride, Wes?" He says, standing up.
"Sure, man," Wesley opens the door and I whisper a thank you to Ray.
"You look hot," Wes tells me after he's had a drink.
Ray groans from beside us, taking another shot.
"Thanks. You look really... good."
He laughs. "Why are you so nervous?"
"I'm not." I hit his shoulder and take a shot from Ray's hand just before he puts it to his lips, and I take it myself.
A while later, Ray is drunk enough to have forgotten his priorities to me and he is walking away over to a girl. I'm a little fucked myself, my body swaying.
"So what's with you being scared to be alone with me?"
I chuckle, grabbing his shoulder to support myself. "Whenever I'm alone with guys I like, it doesn't end well." My mind goes to Jace and my heart immediately sinks.
"Guys you like?"
"Did I say that?"
"Yeah, you did." He puts his arms around me, his hands travelling to my butt and playing around.
"I don't want anything to change, like I don't like, like... like I don't like that. Things will get awkward."
"We don't have to do anything." He moves in closer, our lips close to touching and I can't find it in me to move away.
"Just kiss?"
"Just kiss."
Our lips finally meet and everything is so hazy right now that I keep forgetting we're kissing while we are. I love that feeling though. The feeling of being so drunk you're so unaware of what's going on.
I push my body against his, focussing more on feeling his bulge than our kiss. That's me – it's about sex, not the romance. Who has time for the romantic stuff?
Wesley's hands explore my body, grabbing my boobs and then putting his hands under my net top. We've both forgotten that we're standing in the middle of someone's kitchen, but it's fine. People do this all the time. His hand moves between my legs, rubbing me through my shorts and I can only slightly feel the pleasure if I focus my drunken mind.
Wes is pulled away from me and I snap my eyes open, seeing Ray's blurry figure pushing him back, shouting stuff. I step forward, trying to process what to say or do, but my mind is blank and words don't come out.
Ray's yelling beside me hurts me ears, so I cover them and start walking out of the kitchen, searching for the front door. Fresh air will help me sober up, for sure.
"Hey, sexy!"
I put my hands on the guys shoulders, having not fully processed who it is yet. "Oh geez, i'm in a bad way, man."
He laughs and I recognise it, knowing straight away it's Jace. "You always drink more than you can handle."
"You came."
"I did."
"Why?"
"Stayin' in one place is boring, I told you."
"Can you take me and Ray home?"
"I can't drive – I'm drunk."
"No you're not. You're fine."
"Not as drunk as you. I'll find someone here to take you."
"Okay." I'm ready to stand and wait for him but he takes my arm and pulls me along with him as he talks to people, until finally i'm outside throwing up on the sidewalk with Ray holding my hair back.
+++
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT? dun dun dunnnnnnnnn.
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